I thought video was hysterical!
Sounds like a child’s vision of what an adult is. An adult can go anywhere, do anything(let’s assume within the law) and no one can tell him otherwise, right? No boss? No landlord? No S.O., right? Of course as adults, we know that isn’t true.
That was my vision at his age, and was my son’s vision at his age.
Make it clear to this child he is on the verge of adulthood, and though you can’t order him what to do, YOU are an adult too, and he cannot order you what to do. He can’t tell you where you can go, what you can do, or how to spend(or not) YOUR money. All you do for him now is a gift.
When one asserts his rights to freedom it comes with the burden of being responsible for oneself.
To be fair, my D2 (who didn’t have a wall of silence, although she is known as 'The Cat Behind the Couch" and isn’t the greatest of communicators), definitely would have dodged the questions about the shot freshman year. It took MANY reminders to get her to do stuff on campus like that freshman year. She was talking to me at least once a week, texting, etc. But she wasn’t getting those kinds of chores done. Honestly, in her case she was truly overwhelmed by the academics of her school, and was fighting just to pass her classes. First semester was a squeaker. She didn’t have bandwidth for stuff like that… but it did eventually get done as I got more insistent. As she found her footing academically, it became more likely that I wouldn’t have to ask so many times. This year (junior year), is honestly the first time I am finding that ONE request gets the job done, though.
My son was bad about doing simple chores/errands too. He still isn’t great but I think he’s a little better.
OK, people, hang with me here. OP, think about this for a few hours.
I get that you are hurt. I would be, too. I also get that you’re scared; you don’t know what’s happening at school, and if you were to find out for sure you probably wouldn’t approve. You admit that you hovered too much in HS and that lack of the 24/7 access you were used to ds and grades is an eye-opener.
As I said on the first page of this thread, I would’ve cut off the phone and severely limited the cc until the time he returns a phone call or e-mail and we have a discussion about respect. That said, everything I did would be with an eye toward having a healthy relationship with my ds. Something I often say on here (usually in the Cafe) is a Dr. Phil quote: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to solve the problem?” Don’t let being “right” and prideful keep you from what I’m sure is your main goal – a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with your ds.
So, with that said, what would you think of sending him an e-mail and apologizing? If it were me, it would go something like:
Dear Bud,
I am sorry that we are in such a contentious place. I accept some of the responsibility. I know that I have contacted you too much at a time when you are trying to establish a new normal – balancing schoolwork, extracurriculars and a social life. Truthfully, it never occurred to me that you would go three weeks without contacting us. And we certainly never thought you would run up $400 on your credit card in two weeks time. My biggest regret is that we didn’t talk about this before you left.
Knowing all we do now, I’d like to propose that we talk about it ASAP. Or soon. If you truly think that $XX (whatever limit you set) a week is too little, then let’s talk about it. Maybe we can compromise as I’m sure you realize that $X00 a week isn’t doable for us. Dad and I still would like to come up on parents’ weekend, and we could talk about it then. Or you can Skype with us sooner if you like.
Looking back, I see mistakes that I’ve made, and transitioning to a new relationship with you – a burgeoning adult – will take work on my part. But you play a role, too. What do you think?
Love as always,
Mom
Does that sound nuts to you? I think you accept some responsibility, but it doesn’t let him off the hook and reaffirms that you are NOT OK with him overspending or shutting you out. With my kids, I’ve found that apologizing for my part in whatever the situation allows them to save face and they are more willing to yield. And it sets a good example, modeling for them how to apologize and not just keep digging in. Let me be clear … I am so not OK with how he treated you, but you have acknowledged that you did things – the constant e-mails, etc – that made it worse. This works best if you can be in a really zen place. If he Skypes, and you just start yelling, then it won’t work. Also, make sure you and dh agree on however you are going to move forward. I would make some level of contact by ds a part of the condition of increasing the allowance – not as a purse strings thing but as a if you want to be treated with respect (ie, I will listen to your desire to have a larger allowance) then I deserve respect in return, and for you that currency is contact.
I have a friend IRL who this week texted me about a texting snit she got into with her ds, who last month moved to the other coast for a job. She is really missing him and mad that he hasn’t called and when she calls he says he can’t talk and will call back and then doesn’t. She already was upset about a situation with her dad in hospice, and she felt like she kind of took it out on her ds. I told her, knowing that, what did she think about apologizing, saying she was mad that they hadn’t talked but that she also was worried about her dad and it all bubbled over. Not only did he text right back, but the next night they Skyped for an hour and 43 minutes! Now, he knew he should have been more communicative with his mom, but he was more willing to call when she took some of the responsibility for the snippy texting. She was sooo happy.
So just let this idea sit for a minute and see what you think.
Great message, @Youdon’tsay, and good advice that I actually can put to work in my own dealings with a situation right now. Threads like this are beneficial well beyond the OP’s initial issue.
@collegemom9999, your willingness to consider and be open to the advice you are receiving is commendable. I’m sure your relationship with your son will come out of this stronger and healthier.
Excuse me while I go send my own email. 
^ I like it.
I apologize to my kids and always have. Usually it is when I overreact. I hope it sets an example for them to do the same when necessary. Has worked with S2
I disagree with @youdon’tsay. Op’s son threw a major tantrum and she’s supposed to apologize? He has all the power in the relationship and if she allows him to change the topic of the disagreement (his major lack of respect) to whatever he feels will get him his way, she will never get it back. I don’t believe this is about the past. I think it’s about a kid whose willingness to open his wallet made him feel like BMOC and he doesn’t want to give that up. Nobody in his zone is going to encourage communication with the parents because they know the gravy train will end.
If he were my son, the next time he called I’d make it clear that if the disrespect continued, he wouldn’t be going back in the spring. Especially if he was being disrespectful to my spouse. It makes me angrier when my kids are rude to their dad than when they’re rude to me, and when they’re rude to me they hear about it. I believe in apologizing to our kids when we make a mistake, but I don’t believe OP made one. Her son is the one who blew through several hundred dollars in a week then ducked her calls. He needs to apologize to both parents and start acting like a responsible adult.
Look, if you give him a lump sum for the month–say the very generous sum of $200, which is more than I would give–he has the option of budgeting himself, or blowing through it in a week (or a day). If he blows through it the first month, he will LEARN. Honestly, that is why you need to set this up as a checking account with a DEBIT card. It is really very simple. The debit card is Visa or MC, so that it can be used to make point of sale and online purchases, just like a CC. BUT if he needs to save up for something, by not spending all the $$ you put into the account as his monthly allowance, he can do so.
The debit card situation puts the control in his hands. He knows that $XXX is going to hit his account on a certain date each month. He manages his own money. He could, for example, choose to buy a CASE of gatorade in advance because it was cheaper in the long run. He could choose to not spend all of his money one month in order to save up for something he wants to spend more money on later, or just to have an emergency cushion.
The way you have set it up, your hand is firmly on the reins and there is no natural reward for him in planning and saving. There is no reason for him not to spend up to the limit every week.
There is nothing strange about having a debit card instead of a credit card. I have one. My S has one.
Skimmed through the last few post but in case no one has said this
Collegemom9999, you rock! You are doing great! Really, you have been so great with this situation. Kudos to you.
Btw, I’ll answer the question about the immunization. The answer is no he hasn’t done that. Classic avoidance, something I am very familiar with.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My son and I are very close, due in part to having spent hundreds of hours driving him to practices, games, tournaments, etc. He also is not the best student, so I was more involved than most here on CC with his school work. That said, we did make a concious effort to loosen the reins during senior year to let him prove that he is capable of making good decisions on his own.
He has been at school for about a month now. The promised weekly calls have dropped to every week and a half and the daily texts I have been receiving have dropped from daily (I need to buy xyz) to once a week. His phone settings are such that when I send him a text I can see when he reads it, so at least I do have proof of life even if he does not respond. I try to make sure that not every text I send requires a response. He has a credit card on my account for “neceesities,” his summer work earnings and $100 per month discretionary spendng money from us.
Even though I have had no indication that anything is wrong, I did hop on a plane last weekend to see one of his events, talk to him, and generally lay eyes on him. Although I did not get to spend as much time with him as I would like (two meals and a shopping expedition) I did see enough to conclude that he is doing okay. Although his sport is not going as well as hoped he is still optimistic, likes his roommate, is making friends outside of the team, feels confident in his classes and generally has things under control. It was in some ways harder to leave him now than it was when we dropped him off at school, but worth it.
My son goes to a school with a dry campus, but from what he says the amount of drinking and other substance use that goes on is significant. He also spends a lot of time with older (and foreign) students who are used to drinking at will. I have no illusion that he is not drinking, but I don’t think it is out of control. He has admitted that he is the only underage kid he knows that does not have a fake id.
I think you need to see your son, whether it is parents’ weekend or some other time. You may be able to judge from seeing him whether it is normal rebellion or a more serious issue. Seeing you may also help rekindle to some extent the rapport you had. At a mnimum it will be easier to establish ground rules in person versus through texts.
Good luck.
Glad to read that the cutting off of the unlimited funds at least got a reaction out of him.
I still think you should go to one of his meets or competitions. Your being in the audience doesn’t change his independence or his establishing himself at school. Of the 20 kids on my daughter’s team last year, about half the parents attend the games. Several live 1-2 hours away, but others live many states away and travel to as many possible. One mother attended almost every game, including the away (several states away) games. I went for spring break and saw 3 games but watched the other home games on a web feed and about half the away games that way too. Sometimes going to a tech school pays off as they have a pretty good webcam system!
http://m.livescience.com/36951-hpv-vaccine-series-miss-dose.html
If he’s late getting the 3rd HPV shot it should still be effective once he receives it. Can you make an appointment now for the day after Thanksgiving when he is home? Then that could be one less thing for you to worry about (i.e email him about) now.
OP I think you have had a good sounding board with CC and this thread. I do understand how you are hurt with how cold your son has been, ready to cut you off except his tie with $$. That just shows immaturity on how he is handling things. What does your DD think? His athletic program will make sure on his shots. As another poster said, if he comes home at all, that can be taken care of. Maybe your son was wanting to communicate that he is wanting a fuller life, so he is not necessarily striving or expecting A’s. Sounds like time will heal some of the ‘wounds’. Just keep trying to do everything to keep open communication. Maybe at some point your son will realize you are in his corner; he directs his life and you are on the sidelines cheering him on. Our 21 YO dau has this realization but there have been moments still.
I have to say the complaining about the $ reduction reminded me of when I was around 8 years old and complaining about my 8:00 bedtime. My parents told me if I kept complaining they’d change it to 7:30. I stopped complaining and appreciated my 8:00 bedtime immediately.
This kid needs a brief “lots of kids get no spending money at all when they go away to college” speech, I think. He’s got to learn how the real world works at some point.
He is going to hate your CC friends. 
But wait, her cc friends kept her from sending the the harsh email. He should be thanking her cc friends… only he doesn’t know it!
Yeah, he might think we’re bad, but he has no idea how bad it could have gone! :))
I just want to chime in as another mom who has been helped by this thread. We had some of the same issues, though not nearly as severe as the OP (less communication from DS than ideal in my mind, and a bit of heavy spending - of his own money, and not for booze, but needing a small bailout one time; in our case, it was actually food, clothes, and iTunes/games), but not the attitude (thank goodness). But anyway, all the advice and “reality checking” on this thread has been SO helpful.
A friend went to her freshman’s parent orientation, and a speaker talked about spending and giving your kid a credit card “for emergencies.” She told the parents to tell their kids, “If you eat it, drink it or wear it, it’s not an emergency.”