yes.
you need to stay out of it from now on.
your DS is the one going to college- NOT YOU!
He will be the one studying -NOT YOU!
He will be the one who makes the decisions about whether to pass or fail, go to practice,
or not, study or not, party or not.
Its his future.
Not yours.
learn to trust him.
let him learn to stand on his own 2 feet.
He WILL thank you for your trust in his ability to make smart decisions on his own. - if not now, then soon.
@intparent, I think you go a bit far with this last comment. We have no right to judge financial decisions someone else makes. We can suggest they hire or find better tutors, but to assume there is an unwillingness to pay is judgmental and inappropriate in my opinion.
.
"Mothers are truly the kiss of death, and all his college informal visits junior year, he went himself as I knew if I was there.... no coach would want him."
I really disagree with this. My daughter turned down a school because it didn’t involve the family in the ‘courting’ process. The OV plan was for me to drop her off and pick her up 2 days later, nothing scheduled for the parents. She actually called me at my hotel to ask if I wanted to go on the public tour (and I did) but when it came down to considering the school, I knew nothing about it or the team so couldn’t push for it or against it. At the school she’s at, the parents were all part of the discussions from the beginning. All the OV included the parents (we all stayed at a hotel the coach paid for). The coach has had several get togethers for the parents. She just sent out a phone/email list with every player’s parents on it. We get free tickets to the games (yes, she wants us there!).
The coaches know that the kids need support from their families. There were times last year when I really wanted to contact the coach and let her know what a hard time my daughter was having, but I didn't. I think it is best if you just support your son (as long as you know he's physically safe) but not contact coaches, professors, TA's, RA's. I do contact the school for financial issues but otherwise I just work through her. She has an interest in keeping up her grades as I cannot afford the school if she loses either her athletic or merit scholarships. I'm fine with her getting B's, but she's not so she tries very hard to balance it all.
“All the OV included the parents (we all stayed at a hotel the coach paid for).”
Sorry, if I wasn’t clear. The visits were junior year. They were unofficial thus not OV ( you pay your own way on unofficial ). He worked out with the coach where he would sleep, half the time is wherever as he would be shuffled around if his host had a date, and made his own transportation. In his sport the OV are senior year, but everyone commits earlier.
“There were times last year when I really wanted to contact the coach and let her know what a hard time my daughter was having, but I didn’t.”
I would never contact the coach. I think he has his hands full running a team.
For those reading this thread however, I took a hands off approach with my son traveling as he was a guy.
He was 16 the fall of junior year when he was doing these visits.
I would not have done that with my daughter if she was 16 to go on unofficial visits by herself and spend a weekend in a college dorm room. I only mention that as a heads up to future parents of daughters.
Yes, asking for the RA’s name and phone number is ‘that outrageous.’ Say the RA has 10 rooms he’s in charge of, or 18-20 students. What if every parent called him just once? That’s 20 calls.
This guy is also a student and his job is to make sure the wall are still up at the end of every day, that no one is playing music too loudly, that no one is passed out drunk, that no one is needing medical attention. If you have a concern about a student, you have to call the head of resident services, who will investigate, usually by calling the front desk or the RA when it’s convenient for the RA.
First, I don’t think your son has the worst judgment possible. He is on a D1 athletic team. He has to have some great instincts and judgment to have achieved that. He gets a lot of credit for that.
Second, he may make choices that are different from the choices you make, but maybe they are not always bad choices. Or they may be choices with low-stakes consequences, like having to switch a class. Or spending too much on your credit card the first week. Or blocking you on his phone temporarily. These are low-stakes because they didn’t ruin his health or his future.
Unless I’ve missed something, I have not heard any really “bad judgment” behaviors that have high stakes. This is what I would consider high-stakes bad judgment for a college freshman:
Not going to class at all
Drinking until he passes out every night
Forcing a young woman to have sex with him without her consent
Having consensual sex without a condom
Cursing out the coach
Parents, esp parents of freshmen, do call and ask questions and ask for contacts for emergencies, etc. There is nothing outrageous about collegemom having asked the RAs name or asked how to find available courses. Schools and individuals within schools handle these scenarios differently, separately from the FERPA piece they are all obligated to be constrained by.
We have kids in different schools and the experiences are different. Collegemom has not committed any major parenting offenses and, quite the opposite, has been a dedicated and supportive presence in her child’s life. They are at a predictable crossroads now. Stop judging and let’s just offer constructive suggestions.
^^Okay, maybe I came down too hard on collegemom. But it was within the entire context of what is going on. I might have felt differently if it were an isolated phone call, not with the rest of the context.
“You haven’t said, but I assume he is on a full ride scholarship. If the word among other parents is that the tutoring isn’t great, I wonder why you are unwilling to pay for a private tutor. Class sizes are large at D1 schools – it can be hard to get help. it is something you could do to support him if he wants it and you think the academic advisors and tutors from the athletic department aren’t adequate.”
“I wonder why you are unwilling to pay for a private tutor”
Rather not get into $ with you, but private tutoring is not on the horizon.
If his math class is too hard, he should go back a level as I suggested.
(No shame in building a strong math foundation)
However, if he wants to stick with it, that is his decision.
But, part of that decision is he has to figure out the math himself,
or seek out the TA more.
I see you are a senior member, so I am assuming you are older with college kids.
And I do hear that many parents are now paying for private tutors in college today.
I am trying to be open to everyone’s suggestions here. But, I don’t think I would be doing him any favors as a math tutor is just a crutch, and then he’ll need a math tutor for the next level.
Will he then get to work and say he needs a tutor?
Unless I’ve missed something, I have not heard any really “bad judgment” behaviors that have high stakes. This is what I would consider high-stakes bad judgment for a college freshman:
Not going to class at all
Drinking until he passes out every night
Forcing a young woman to have sex with him without her consent
Having consensual sex without a condom
Cursing out the coach
No… he has done none of the above. I hear you.
I will say I spent about the past 4 years talking about being respectful to women:
a drunk yes from a girl at night can become a regretful yes in the morning,
No can happen anywhere during the evening, and you have to stop immediately
and I added the past year ( after that very confusing, somewhat predatory case with the prep school kid),
that maybe it’s just best now to ask is this ok and not rely on any nonverbal cues.
I do wish I spent more time talking about the drinking.
I’d pay for the tutor. It may not be possible for him to switch math courses now. If a tutor can get him through a course and he doesn’t have to repeat it, it may save you money in the long run.
Very few athletes, even at D1 schools, are on full scholarships. For men, only football and basketball require full scholarships, and in some other sports like hockey they are more common, but for most sports teams are splitting 10-12 scholarships among a team of 20-35 players.
Twoin,
He can switch math classes still. He doesn’t want to.
I understand about the money comment in the long run,
as I hear kids end up having to take some classes over the summer and then you are paying for that.
However, he has three more math classes after this current class for his major.
The math only gets harder and harder…
Is he going to have a math tutor for 4 math courses?
Yes, football and basketball are the revenue sports.
They really earn those dollars…
I am also wondering if the tutor might be a good idea, if your son is interested in a tutor. If he isn’t , that’s that.
You describe sitting with him as he did his schoolwork. You are worried about the academics. As I see it, the tutor may replace your presence, and also give you some peace of mind. If he is in over his head, the tutor should be able to tell him to back up a class. Maybe you can delegate some of the supervising you have been doing (and obviously doing very well!) and make life easier on both you and your son?
Although it is an excellent point he will need to eventually do the work without a tutor’s help, it seems to me it is reasonable to transition to that goal, if he hasn’t been working that way before now. Once you have him through first term and first year, you could reevaluate.
My kids were not college athletes. Is there no academic oversight by the department to insure students like your son stay eligible to play?
Relieved to hear you two are talking again some.
Wait, you waited and prayed and threatened and wanted him to call? And he did, and this was the result?
“But it was just to say hi…
I started off by saying if he was calling to complain about his reduced money, it wasn’t going to work.
He said he was just calling to say hi. I told him I was in a quandary as I understood that while he wanted to be treated as an adult, I really felt he needed guidance. No response to that. So, short conversation. Pleasant.”
Of COURSE it was a short phone call. I would have gotten off the phone very quickly too. And I bet you a dollar that, when he did finally get off the phone, he muttered an obscenity, and said to the phone “And THAT’S why I don’t call more often!!!”
That poor kid.
If someone reacted that way to me finally doing what they wanted, it would be a cold day in hell before I did it again.
@collegemom9999, you need to just stop. Stop calling the school, Stop looking for classes for him, Stop buying and sending his books, study guides, etc.
He needs to figure things out for himself and do for himself. He might have a steeper learning curve then other kids because of all the hand holding you did in high school, but he needs to learn to manage his stuff on his own. Offer advice only if solicited,
When my kid used to call and complain about something my answer was pretty much always the same - “you’ll figure it out.”
^^ This.
Your son is accomplished. He got there because you and your husband supported him but now it’s time to let go ( stand ready to catch him if he really needs it).
As an older, experienced person, you will see problems with some actions but really, they are his mistakes to make. You can step in when the mistakes impact you (e.g. the credit card expenses) but where they only affect him, this is where it becomes hard, you need to stay out and watch.His class schedule is strictly your son’s responsibility. You can counsel him (I think you’re right about changing to a lower class) but in the end, he has to make that mistake. I hope the impact on his GPA is minimal.
I found I learned more from my mistakes, both in classes and life. He can’t lead a mistake-free life. And he will make choices you don’t like.
OP, I have 2 kids. One a college grad, and one a college junior. Both attended/attend small LACs with a lot of individual attention for students, strong teaching skills expected from profs, and free and very good tutoring servuces available. I, on the other hand, attended a large highly ranked D1 research university. So I know first hand that classes are large, TAs do not always have strong English language skills, neither TAs nor profs are usually hired for their teaching prowess (it is all about research), and department- sponsored tutoring is either non-existent or overcrowded. That is honestly one reason my kids are at LACs. It may be that your son should drop back a class, but he will have to pass this math class at some point if it is a major requirement – and it may be very difficult for him without a tutor. Also…, you were willing to give him $200/week in spending money – a far better use of at least half of that would be on a tutor!
One thing that cones acriss is that you are unwilling to cede control. Parents out here get that. I held my breath for pretty much all of D2’s first semester at her academically challenging school. I honestly wasn’t sure she could do it, and was mentally preparing for the fact that she could end up flunking out. She wobbled – big time in a couple of courses, including ones in her major – but made it through. Each semester since then she has gained in GPA and confidence. She is the one that chose that particular college path, and she is the one who has to get it done. You need to give the reins up and let your son do the same.
OP, a few steps forwards and a few steps back in your relationships with your son it sounds like.
Is there a parent organization at the school? Could you join it? I was very surprised to find such a thing existed when my kids went to college. Don’t laugh, but the main goal is to keep the parents away from the kids! The parents can ask each other questions and share concerns and thereby let the kids be.
Like the tutor issue. In one of these parent orgs, there is always a lot of talk about math tutoring and where to find it. Kids come in with varying degrees of preparation in Calculus, end up with good and bad teachers, and many need some help. In the first few weeks of school, there is lots of information about where to find math help, some for pay, some free resources at the school that are surprising.
I do not understand the rationale for not wanting a tutor. If he has started his math sequence at a level that he is not totally prepared for, he needs support. When he completes this course successfully he will have a strong base to handle the next course.
I’ve been following this thread for some time. Refrained from chiming in until now. OP, my comments are as a tenured professor at a Division 1 school. Freshman Year Seminar faculty, and former member of the the Athletic committee.
All Division 1 schools have academic monitoring and academic support. Tutoring is available specifically for There is also tutoring available for all students. Study sessions, study tables are available. Many Division 1 schools have an academic center as part of the athletic facilities. The key component is the student/athlete must ask or show-up. Some are embarrassed to do so. What student-athletes and most students do not realize is that it is our most academically successful students who routinely use these resources.
Office hours: Faculty at most Division 1 schools have office hours. Students rarely use them until the day of or before a test. For this reason , the rest of our office hours are free and clear. It is a great time for a student who may be struggling or not doing as well as they did in high school to gain beneficial advice and “tutoring” on how to enhance their performance in the particular class.
Freshman: One of the things we stress in the first year seminar, is independence and decision making. We know they are going to make mistakes, that’s part of the learning process. We also have programs in place so the most frequent mistakes don’t ruin their academic and athletic lives. Our professional and faculty advisors stress the fact that you cannot bring your mother to the advising session. In addition, FERPA laws ties our hands in many, many, many cases. The athletic department has student sign the waiver to give them access to grades. Also in many universities, all Freshman receive an interim report card, so they know exactly how they are doing and where to go to help. Most do not share these grades with their parent.
Parents of Athlete Association: Join. The other parents will keep you from going over the cliff. They will also let you know if, when, and how to intervene. They give awesome tailgates/before event dinners etc. They will let you know you are not alone.
I share this information to let you know that there are an abundance of resources available to your son. His coaches, professors, etc have made this information available them and in all likelihood have encouraged him to take advantage of the resources. They may not know he is struggling, but they do know college freshman. Freshman year is shocking for students and parents. and especially student-athletes and parents. He is finding his way and so are you. No one let either of you know how difficult it would be.
You are definitely making progress with learning how to navigate this new relationship. It is not always easy to tell when a kid is venting and when they are asking for guidance or help. A private tutor can help if there is some aspect of the math that he just doesn’t get or he missed in HS. It doesn’t necessarily mean he will need one for every math class. It might just be to get over a hump.
There is likely a help or tutoring center that is available to him, especially as a D1 athlete. The best advice may simply be to tell him not to be afraid to ask for help, rather than telling him the class is too hard for him.
As he gets more comfortable and continues to call, you can simply tell him that dad is coming(or both of your are) to see the game on the xx Saturday and would love to say hi afterwards. If son doesn’t want to (or can’t due to team commitments) that is fine, you just want to see a game. Hopefully, he will have seen that other parents come to games and it is not unusual. Hopefully, but the time October rolls around he will be OK with you coming to a game.
Glad the phone call was pleasant. It is really hard for us parents to not turn phone calls with boys who are not chatty into an unending string of questions. Maybe think about things to talk about that he is interested in (local team action, his HS team results without him) or something in the news or even on TV.
Remember, the work he did to become a D1 athlete means he definitely was not lazy or undisciplined. While that may not have translated to the classroom or homework, it means he has the capability of being a hard working student. I think (hope) he will surprise you. Good luck!