He rarely went out in high school, he had very little time.
But, yes, he did drink in high school starting senior year.
He never came home drunk, except for one big party.
Even after prom, he came home, semi drunk, but was up early as he had to.
So this behavior isn’t new, just more pronounced and potentially destructive?
It’s not necessary to go out to have a drinking problem. People who have drinking problems are very skilled at hiding it , and may be quite functional despite their drinking.My concern at this point is that the money spent may not have been on others.
^^that’s interesting. Another angle to consider.
OP: Do you keep alcohol in the house? Did he drink your alcohol? Where was he getting the alcohol he drank in HS?
He didn’t have a drinking problem in high school. He went out maybe 4x senior year. So, he drank 4x in a year.
^you are aware of him drinking 4x. There is at least one dad on the board who says how he was positive his daughter didn’t drink at all and he was wrong. I have cousins who were alcoholics from their mid teens and their parents were never aware until much much much later. AA times later.
ETA: I think carolinamom2boys and I are trying to figure out the behavioral changes.
"It’s not necessary to go out to have a drinking problem. People who have drinking problems are very skilled at hiding it "
I was literally with him the entire year… So, not sure how he could have hid it studying at the dining room table.
Yes, he probably drank 4x last year at 4 parties. Only one time he was drunk.
I appreciate the concern, but it is the wrong trail to go down. He didn’t have a drinking problem in high school.
OP: Do you keep alcohol in the house? Did he drink your alcohol? Where was he getting the alcohol he drank in HS?
No, I don’t drink nor do I smoke. Nor does my husband. We don’t keep liquor in our house.
We are also vegetarian…
ETA: I think carolinamom2boys and I are trying to figure out the behavioral changes.
Well, I guess the behavioral change in he is in an environment where he doesn’t have me reminding him to study day and night.
collegemom999: One of my friends kept a bottle in her high school locker.
However, it sounds like you aren’t concerned about the alcohol. You are concerned about grades. Alcohol has the potential to negatively impact grades. Depending on the college, it can get him in trouble. My nephew was caught with alcohol freshman year and was denied several important opportunities at his college because of that one infraction.
OP, so glad you didn’t send that email. Write it out, tear it up. That was a step too far.
What concerned me was you describing a very close mother/son relationship that disappeared “pouf” when he hit campus. A lot of us have the experience of kids “fouling the nest” before they leave and wanting to distance themselves for a while once gone.
I think most of us find it unusual he doesn’t want you and Dad at family weekend.
I am worried about your son. I am trying to help. Perhaps this isn’t helpful, though.
@collegemom9999
Seriously… I don’t understand why you’re waiting for Parents Weekend. You’re not constrained by time or money. You don’t work, and you can afford to give your kid a 200/wk allowance (this really blows my mind).
You live only 2 hours away. Whenever one my kids got into hot water, either spouse or I would fly internationally/drive over 30 hours to their school to read kid the riot act!
What are you waiting for? You’re the parent.
Allh, I can’t repeat myself. Without divulging too much, I can say he doesn’t do drugs and he did not drink in high school except for 4 parties. No denial here.
Collegemom9999, I can totally sympathize. I see much of myself in your posts. My son, known on CC as the PreciousBabyKing, is a senior this year and I am already off the wall. The boy is the entire focus of my life and I will be looking at a nest empty of all three kids in a two month period next year, so I say this to you with empathy and understanding: get a life. You do need to decrease your son’s allowance and set acceptable standards of communication while you are paying for his education, you also need to broaden your own horizons. If your son were respectfully saying that he is fine, happy and successful but too busy to communicate often, you would still be lost and lonely, even though that would be the best case scenario. Remember that what you have worked for all these years is for your son to be an independent, happy and productive adult, but achieving that goal will leave a hole in your life. It’s like succeeding yourself obsolete. You need to fill your time productively in a way that will being you joy. But you and your son have to forge a new relationship as adults who don’t live together anymore. Your life isn’t going to be the one you had as a full-time mom and you should grieve its end, but that’s on you and not on your son. He is not responsible for your happiness. He is responsible for his own happiness, well being and education. I wish you the very best and if I were you, which I will be next year, I would lock myself in my room with his baby book and maudlin music and engage in an orgy of weeping. Then put your shoulders back, give him your new rules, and start planning your new happy.
Your kid is being taken advantage of. They see a naive kid with way too much money and they see free booze. As long as you keep giving it, he will continue to blow it.
Your child is incredibly fortunate but he is in no way entitled to your money. It seems like he’s never really had to make decisions on his own and now that he’s thrown to the wolves, they’re taking advantage of the situation.
I agree with others that this isn’t typical behavior and I’d be concerned. The only students I knew who cut off communications were in trouble or came from abusive situations. It’s not “cool” to be a jerk to your parents in undergrad. That gets left behind in high school.
omg, zoozermom. I think you are going to be okay next year. That made me cry.
It was painful for me when DS [ my one and only child] first went off to college, as I was reading here on CC all about parents of girls who were texting home as they were walking to class, before they went to sleep, etc. That sure did not happen to me.
DS did not want to hear from me nearly as much as I wanted to hear from him.
Silence was HIS way of trying to learn to stand on his own 2 feet by distancing himself from me [ a former certified helicopter parent, lol].
I did not try to impose control on him by requiring him to call me or else the phone would be cut off, bank acct closed, etc, etc. I regard that “MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY” as an all but futile nuclear option that will only cause even more of a rift
. It should not matter who is paying for college. Sending a child to college should not be a quid pro quo proposition that essentially says to the child- "YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY, even if you are 2000 miles away, CAUSE I’M PAYING FOR IT. That kind of attempt at maintaining control does not allow a child to grow up and will just delay and make much worse the inevitable breaking away of a child from his parents.
We compromised on his taking a call from me once a week on Sun eve.
And that worked well all through college and continues to work well now that he is in grad school.
He now does not hesitate to call me when he needs advise or an opinion on something.
“He is not responsible for your happiness. He is responsible for his own happiness, well being and education.”
Yes, and he reminded me all summer that I needed to do something once he left…
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“Your kid is being taken advantage of. They see a naive kid with way too much money and they are free booze. As long as you keep giving it, he will continue to blow it.”
Yes, I now realize he doesn’t need that much money.
When he is away with his school, he can call if he needs more money. That’s why he has the phone, I guess.
Allh, I really hope so because he is ok. I’m the needy one and we both know it! I can’t stand to be away from him and I always say that if I could, I would wrap him in bubble wrap and keep him in my sight at all times, but I love him and want him to have a happy life’ so I have to suck it up. I think the OP is well within her rights to have respectful, appropriate communication and to set rules that will help her son continue safely on the path to independence. But her son isn’t her social or support system anymore. I would bet that her son is using all that cash to buy popularity in one vice or another but is also probably struggling with the separation and independence too. It requires maturity and confidence to say “hey mom I miss you” while adjusting to a new life.