Collegemom9999, are you a little angry at your son because he grew up and left you without your really consenting to it? I plan to be very angry about that. God help my husband!
But hey, congratulations on getting your kids to college and on the path to good lives. Every kid has bumps and you will figure it out with your son. But you love him and are open to his best interests, that makes you a pretty great mom.
OP, when we dropped off S last month for freshman year there was a panel for parents. One of the most helpful things the panelists said was, let your student take the initiative in deciding how and when to communicate.
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Are most of us shocked that teenagers don’t use their phones for phone calls? I know I am. My S also does not like to text. His texting vocab is “K” for okay, “Y” for yes, and “N” for no. So I ask him for a couple of "K"s a week, and (so far) he has given me that.
He agrees to skype on Sundays and he does the calling but so far (three times?) it has been inconsistent about the length and depth of conversation – my guess is that when roommates are around he doesn’t like to talk.
I think you have gotten some very poignant words from PreciousBabyKing’s mom. We have to learn a new way of being connected now, and let our kids know that we are okay – and that we can live without them. Can you imagine how guilty a kid feels knowing that what they want the most, namely to grow up and become their own person, will make their parent/s suffer terrible pain and the loss of purpose in life?
Setting boundaries, being “real” with money and lettign them fail…I am feeling it with you, and I bet many of us are.
Hang in there!
Folks I am off to dinner. Thank you all for your advice.
I will try to stop emailing him every day, and it was a few emails a day.
I won’t send my angry two page letter ( email ) to him.
And I will send him a short brief email detailing his new very limited allowance courtesy of CC >:D<
That’s exactly why he has the phone. When he needs something he will call you.
I am going to go as far as to say that he might be relieved to have less money. He’s a smart boy, he knows he’s being taken advantage of. It’s easy to complain and say your parents cut you off than say no.
I am going to assume that he is ok and is being a brat. Personally I’d leave him alone on parents weekend. He will figure it out when everyone else has parents there and he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t, that’s on him, not you.
You and your H take that money that you were going to spend on parents weekend and do something for yourself. I’d be tempted have a very expensive meal (maybe at a place he likes) and send him a picture of you having fun. Or buy myself something I’ve always wanted with the money saved.
I am in shock that PreciousBabyKing is a senior. Where does the time go? 
Deb, I would love to know who I could complain to about this because I definitely don’t approve. The order I placed was for a four year old and I got a moose with a deep voice and giant feet instead!
But collegemom9999, if you come back tomorrow, I’m sure we could all have your new life planned out within a couple of hours, then when your son does call you can say " I’m sorry, do I know you?" !!!
“I will try to stop emailing him every day, and it was a few emails a day.”
one Email a week is more than enough for a new male freshman.
I would just ask him to answer the phone once a week at a time when he is ready to talk- probably when he is out of hearing range from his new friends.
Good luck.
I am going to go as far as to say that he might be relieved to have less money. He's a smart boy, he knows he's being taken advantage of. It's easy to complain and say your parents cut you off than say no.
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Yes, it is “easier” to blame the parents when the gravy train ends. However, if he thinks that the only reason these “older students” are giving him the time of day, then he may be angry…but let him be angry.
I am going to assume that he is ok and is being a brat. Personally I'd leave him alone on parents weekend. He will figure it out when everyone else has parents there and he doesn't. And if he doesn't, that's on him, not you.
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I just realized why he probably doesn’t want you at Parents Weekend. His new friends aren’t frosh. THEIR parents won’t be coming. He doesn’t want to look like a frosh to them…and he doesn’t want to miss out on whatever they’re doing that weekend.
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I am in shock that PreciousBabyKing is a senior. Where does the time go?
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I, too, am shocked that PBK is a senior. Time flies!
The time to “pay for the As” has passed. You are paying for the education. At this point, the education is a gift. Your obligation ended with high school graduation. He needs to want to succeed. You supported him until now so he may falter or may not even ever really get it-but its his life to try to get.
I do think you have reason for concern-whether it is just having that “Come to Jesus” conversation where you define expectations (age appropriate-but respectful of the opportunity you are gifting him)-or whether he is not handling the new found freedom in a safe or healthy way. More kids crash and burn than ever before-likely thanks to how we have overparented them (I include myself in this-our daughter is in her 6th year of undergrad). I do think it may require a face to face check in if there is not support on hand at the school (which for the most part there is not if the student doesnt think he has a problem or a willingness to reach out). You know your son best. Some of his behaviors are more than typical and you need to know if he is needs some support getting his footing. Good luck.
I don’t think iTunes and Uber expenses should be in addition to whatever you set for a budget. He has to learn to take responsibility for his wants. We talk often about “wants” versus “needs” in our family. Our kids understand that “wants” are theirs to fund. iTunes for sure is a luxury and not a need.
Another thought which you might want to visit on the front end-how will you handle it if your kid fails a course? We have set a policy-we pay for it once. If you fail or don’t manage to get the credit for it because you didn’t bother to execute the credits transfer to your school (DD1, ahem), you pay for the do-over.
Back from dinner and a walk. Thank you again everyone.
“I just realized why he probably doesn’t want you at Parents Weekend. His new friends aren’t frosh. THEIR parents won’t be coming. He doesn’t want to look like a frosh to them…and he doesn’t want to miss out on whatever they’re doing that weekend.”
We didn’t have Parent weekend when I went to school ( 1980).
But, I thought it was for every year of college… It’s just freshman?
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"This is coming from a male (not a parent) and hopefully it provides some different insight.
"Second, I think you are acting more like an ex-girlfriend trying to get back together than a parent. You are communicating WAY too much. Once a week is MORE than enough communication. Keep the communication simple and sweet and questions don’t need to pertain to school. Something like: “Hi Son, I hope you are doing well and enjoying college. Dad and I saw this movie this week and really enjoyed it. Have you had time to see any movies or enjoy any events recently? If you ever need anything or just need some advice, Dad and I are always here for you. All the best to you, Mom”.
Third: Have you always been a stay at home Mom? Did you ever work and/or did you go to college? My advice is find something to do NOW. Find a part time job, find a new hobby, volunteer, etc. I know it sounds blunt, but it seems you are very bored and you are trying to keep the same relationship you had in high school with your soon the same as in college."
Wow… first thanks for writing. Yeah… I do /did feel like an ex-girlfriend ( a dumb one who isn’t catching on) stalker.
And oh… my… son would love a breezy text like this -
“Hi Son, I hope you are doing well and enjoying college. Dad and I saw this movie this week and really enjoyed it. Have you had time to see any movies or enjoy any events recently? If you ever need anything or just need some advice, Dad and I are always here for you. All the best to you, Mom”.
I actually wrote daily letters like this when he was at camp ( never received a response back),
but it was ok because I was going to see him again at the end of the summer.
I have been a stay at home mom for over 20 years… I did work prior and did go to college.
Yes, I need to get a life. You said it nicer…
Yes, I believed we would have the same close relationship with my son, as I do with my daughter.
( although I was closer to my son in high school than my daughter…
so the relationship with my daughter did not change much).
Thanks, good wake up call.
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“Come to Jesus” conversation where you define expectations (age appropriate-but respectful of the opportunity you are gifting him)-or whether he is not handling the new found freedom in a safe or healthy way. More kids crash and burn than ever before-likely thanks to how we have overparented them (I include myself in this-our daughter is in her 6th year of undergrad)."
This is tricky… and I am not sure how to have this conversation. I am hoping that the diminished allowance will bring him back to talk after a few weeks when he doesn’t have much money. You know, the hungry dog returns and might be a bit more malleable. That’s what I am hoping.
Yes, I over parented, hovered, and tried to help too much.
The flip side of the coin is that when I was in high school, I worked a 25 hour job and my grades were decent, but not amazing. When I got to college, and paid my own way, I was much more appreciative of my own education than the kids who were there to party and many failed out. But, I often wondered if I had more time in high school to study, would I have been at a better college. So, I now on the other side of the coin.
I appreciate you telling your story. My question in regards to your situation, could it have been rectified her freshman year, or did she just have to mature?
Consider lowering the allowance this year, and making him responsible for his own spending money next year. My kids have this arrangement (they also pay for their books) and believe me – would NEVER blow $400 in a week – I am not sure they spend that in a semester.
We also have a deal to call home once a week on the weekend. And an ASAP response is expected to a text reading “Sign of life needed”. I’d cut off phone service if they can’t generally follow those guidelines.
I don’t email or text often – once ir twice a week. If I need a response, I say so.
“But, I thought it was for every year of college… It’s just freshman?”
YES
fter that, the next “acceptable” time for you to step foot on campus is graduation.
that does not mean you cant “be in town” sometime and offer to take him to lunch [ off campus].
after the novelty of college food wears off, he will love to have food that he likes and doesnt have to pay for!
I’ll pm you. You are not alone!
“Yes, I believed we would have the same close relationship with my son”
it will happen. they DO come back.
This wonderful essay will hopefully give you something to look forward to as you and your DS navigate your changing relationship.
it was written by Lara Adair almost 20 years ago [! ]
it helped me be hopeful about the future, and her post turned out to be accurate, much to my delight.
just takes longer than we parents would like…
so you’ll see-given that this was written almost 2 decades ago, things haven’t changed that much…
When Children Turn Into Cats
I JUST REALIZED THAT while children are dogs, loyal and affectionate, teenagers are cats.
It’s so easy to be the owner of a dog. You feed it, train it, boss it around and it puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It follows you around, chews the dust covers off the Great Literature series if you stay too long at the party and bounds inside with enthusiasm when you call it in from the yard.
Then, one day around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor.
Instead of dogging your footsteps, it disappears. You won’t see it again until it gets hungry, when it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you’re serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.
It sometimes conks out right after breakfast. It might steel itself to the communication necessary to get the back door opened or the car keys handed to it, but even that amount of dependence is disagreeable to it now.
Stunned, more than a little hurt, you have two choices. The first – and the one chosen by many parents – is that you can continue to behave like a dog owner. After all, your heart still swells when you look at your dog, you still want its company, and naturally when you tell it to stop digging up the rose bushes, you still expect it to obey you, pronto.
IT PAYS NO attention now, of course, being a cat. So you toss it onto the back porch, telling it it can stay there and think about things, mister, and it glares at you, not deigning to reply. It wants you to recognize that it has a new nature now, and it must feel independent or it will die.
You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so anti-social, so distant, so sort of depressed. It won’t go on family outings.
Since you’re the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, naturally you assume that whatever is wrong with it is something you did, or left undone. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.
Only now, you’re dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces exactly the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.
Your second choice is to do the necessary reading, and learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. If you must issue commands, find out what it wants to do, and command it to do it.
BUT REMEMBER THAT a cat needs affection, too, and your help. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.
Realize that all dog owners go through this, and few find it easy. My glance used to travel from my cat Mike looking regal and aloof on the fence to a foolish German shepherd on the sidewalk across the street, jumping for joy simply because he was getting to go outside. Now I miss the little boy who insisted I watch “Full House” with him, and who has now sealed him into a bedroom with a stereo and TV. The little girl who wrote me mash notes and is now peeling rubber in the driveway.
The only consolation is that if you do it right, let them go, be cool as a cat yourself, one day they will walk into the kitchen and give you a big kiss and say, you’ve been on your feet all day, let me get those dishes for you – and you’ll realize they’re dogs again.
http://www.sfgate.com/entertainment/article/ADAIR-LARA-When-Children-Turn-Into-Cats-2988639.php
Maybe this was discussed elsewhere, but was he buying textbooks last week? That would explain close to $400 in some majors. Most freshman (esp those not spending their own money) are not yet savvy on the ways to save money on books. Maybe their is a reasonable explanation for a lot of those expenditures. If you could just get him to talk to you (and that is still a problem), you could find out.
Another thought – he could be shell shocked by the academics, and doesn’t want to tell you that. No idea where he is, but for example, a kid starting at UChicago could be hit very hard by the difference between HS and a really rigorous college. He might be feeling like a fraud or like he doesn’t belong… and doesn’t want to tell you.
Is he close to his sister? Has he talked to her?
Regarding the $210 per week, many colleges have a cost of attendance / student budget that lists an amount for personal or miscellaneous expenses. Dividing that by the 9 or 10 month academic year often gives a number close to $210 per month, not $210 per week.
It does look from this thread like he was under the close supervision of a helicopter parent, so he may not have had many chances to make his own decisions (and suffer the consequences of any bad decisions). So going to college as a resident student includes a sudden shift to making most of his own decisions; it is not surprising for someone in that situation to make some bad ones through inexperience. Of course, bad decisions and their consequences could be a lot worse now than in high school, when a parent was more likely to be around to keep a bad decision from having consequences that result in permanent damage, as opposed to the consequences teaching a lesson.
Parents Weekend…yes, typically frosh parents go (if they can afford the expense…and it is often expensive). After that, most do not come. Parents Weekend often involves airfare, hotels (at higher than normal rates), and various activities, football games, etc.
You mention that you’re only a couple hours away…so maybe you wouldn’t incur many of those costs…but certainly those who live much further would.
Are there any other parents who communicate with their college student via email? The chance of my kids responding to an email is close to zero. They mainly text, and sometimes call, but never email.
Mine rarely respond to email and they aren’t even great with texting these days-they keep sending me Snapchats. I HATE Snapchat and I tell them…but they tech their way and tell me repeatedly “NO ONE uses email anymore, Mom”!.
It is an aside from the topic, but maybe it is my age. I can’t even figure out what a Snapchat picture is before it is gone. 
I have to keep reminding them to set it for 10 seconds because I am old!