@Waiting2exhale She was going to help pay for my tuition if I went into Davis, Berkeley, or LA but not if I go anywhere else. I said that I’ll get more scholarships and find my own way of getting the money. She won’t even pay for states even though it is cheaper.
@memphinx: Please go in and speak to your school counselor. Try and leave a message tonight.
You shouldn’t go through this without feeling you have someone there, in the room with you, who is listening and responding to all that you are going through. We are listening, and we are all floored and made upset by this, but you need someone with you.
A school counselor can help you to look into resources which can help you meet the educational costs you are going to incur. Additionally, a counselor can help you to understand what obligation your mother may legally have to help you, and what steps you can take to establish yourself as self-supporting, which should significantly change the funding you would be able to receive.
Oh, boy. That is a different story.
Um… the self supporting route is not really likely to happen. (This student does not seem to meet any of the criteria to not have to provide parental info for FAFSA, for example).
OP, here’s a plan. Your mom might calm down. (I mean, does she want you at home, not going to college? I actually doubt that). And this is recent news and she is really upset. Don’t be confrontational. Tell her calmly that you are disappointed, too. I’d suggest in this case that you go through the motions of a Davis appeal. Talk to your GC one off, and see if they can help soften your mom on your other choices. But do not miss the date to deposit at one of your other schools - come up with the money yourself if you have to.
Also, do you have any relatives or family friends who can talk to her? Clue them in ahead of time, and ask for help getting your mom to recognize that you can do well from the schools you got into. And also maybe they can help her see that it isn’t all about her that you will be going to SoCal for college.
Your best bet is that she’ll come around after a few weeks. Don’t antagonize her or argue. Engage other adults to help you.
Realistically, you are very unlikely to find outside scholarships that will fund college now.
Perhaps start making plans to find a job (or perhaps an apprenticeship in a skilled trade like machinist; talk to your high school counselor about what may be available). If military service interests you, and your are among the 29% who is eligible, start looking into that. Start looking for a place to live on your own. Make sure that your mother knows what you are doing. Once you turn 24, are married, or a military veteran, you can attend college as an independent-for-financial-aid-purposes student.
It is possible that she will decide that any of these routes will look like more of a “failure” on her part than letting you attend UCSC, UCI, or a CSU. If not, you will need to have an escape plan for when you are disowned.
Sorry to hear about your situation. It certainly seems that she is the one with the issue of you going to UCI. It’s an excellent university with a fantastic CS program. And great weather, much better than Davis! I am a Davis alum (and I live 10 mins from UCI) , but I don’t understand your mom’s insistence that you go there. If you prefer to go to UCI rather than Davis (and jump through the petition hoops), you need to tell her. It’s really not that far away. 6.5- 7 hr drive or 1 hr flight, and the airport is only 5 mins from campus. Good luck and congratulations!
For what it’s worth, US News has Irvine ranked #7 in Public Universities. Davis is ranked 10th.
Uh. Not nationally. Regionally?
Nationally UCI is 33 and Davis is 38. I have a feeling it is more safety and proximity or peer comparison. Good luck OP with your mom. She should come around. Maybe enlist the help of her friend?
I will try my best to appeal for UC Berkeley because it’s my dream school. I really love every aspect of it compared to Davis. My mom thinks I’m disobeying her and I never listen to her just because I wouldn’t write the appeal for UC Davis. It’s probably been a hundred times that I told her that UC Davis isn’t one of my top 3 choices, so if I get rejected, then it’s fine. I feel like appealing to a random school that I don’t really want to go to will be a total waste of my time. I will go talk to my GC and try to get someone else to help out, but for now, she is just going to be the same.
I’m so sorry that you are in this position. Unfortunately, the parent holds all the power in this situation because of the financial control she has. Your top priority at this point needs to be finding a way to get a college education and you need your parent on board to do that. I know it feels wrong, but you can’t be stubborn like her right now. Do the appeals that she is asking. As everyone here has said, they won’t work anyway, but at least you will have tried. Maybe that will placate her.
If you need to, tell her you have given it thought and will do all you can to get into the school she thinks best. Then ask her what she thinks you should do if it doesn’t work. Try letting her feel that she is steering the process. Ask for her advice. Make her feel important. Tell her how much you want a college education and that you just don’t know what to do. Let her feel like you are her “little girl” again for a bit. It might be galling to have to do this, but she may come around.
Make sure you at least place a deposit somewhere before the due date. You don’t want to have to go through this again next year if you can help it.
Good luck.
Can you print out some statistics about the school, like average test scores, job placement rates, starting salaries, famous alumni, etc to show her? Maybe it’ll help to see something like “95% of our business majors are employed in six months!” or “75% of students get an internship!” or whatever. I’m making those numbers up but that might convince her it’s a good school. Do you know anyone (either older friends or adults you know) that went/go there?
If you end up in a financial bind, there are several Bay Area (I’m guessing that’s where you are, based on the UCI geographical comment) community colleges that are EXCELLENT and have notably high transfer rates to UCB. For example: Foothill College, which has a very good Honors Institute.
I do want to say: it is obvious from your writing that you are going to succeed, not just in school but in life. You are intelligent, grounded, optimistic, articulate, and more. If Cal is your goal and parental financial assistance just disappeared, don’t hesitate to join an honors program at a California Community College. Find a faculty mentor and a great transfer guidance counselor. If possible, rent a room in a house that lets you get away from your mother’s unhealthy influence. You are just the kind of person who will make it all work.
You are being shortsighted. It is her money. Do both appeals. (Honestly - neither is going to work - swallow your comments and do it). Think of it as earning your tuition support from her to cooperate on this. Follow @gallentjill ‘s advice on this. Keep pushing, and you could end up with no money from her and no support filling out FA forms in the future. Then you really won’t be going to college anyplace.
Your mom is a ROCK STAR!!! How do I know this? Look at her product: YOU! I live near UCI, and I can tell you that people come from all over the nation to attend. It is NOT low tier. Do the appeals as others above suggested as tuition support. Be PROUD and confident to attend UCI. A stone’s throw from some of the most beautiful beaches in the world in a very safe community. Orange County has a high number of company startups, especially in the sciences. UCI is one of the reasons they choose us. The only negative that I would say is that housing is expensive here, and housing is an issue at UCI. Watch carefully for your opportunities to sign up early for housing, even if you are still in the appeals process. There are traditional dorms, etc. on campus, and the University has some apartments off campus as well. With your maturity and attitude, you will do well there!
OK, so I didn’t read the posts about her saying that she wouldn’t pay if you didn’t go to the colleges of her choice. I take back my rock star comment: she must have many strengths to help you develop to where you are now, but right now, she is struggling. Who does she listen to? Is there a teacher or counselor that would talk to her? A aunt or grandparent? A mentor? I remember when my Mom drew an indefensible line in the sand about something: I thought about it, and suggested that she speak to a friend who I know would help her straighten out. Who could help you with this?
I agree, your mom is being unreasonable but, that’s a right most of us (parents) reserve to use periodically. It is really too bad because UCI and UCSC have outstanding CS programs. You should file the appeals - i mean, it could work but, those decisoins are out of your control and - for now at least, they told you no and you need to come up with a plan for next Aug/Sep. Tell her transferring into UCBs CS program just ain’t gonna happen. They took 63 transfers last year, about 6% admit rate - LA is a little better at 8% … still a longshot for even the most qualified applicants.
show here the proof here…
https://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/infocenter/transfers-major
If she wont pay, you are kinda stuck , it is too late to start scrambling for scholarships so, you local CC is probably the best option.
Hopefully she comes around before housing deposits are due…
I’ve spoken to my mom and also some other mutual adults. My mom still refuses to believe anything else is good besides Davis. Her colleagues’ children have all gone to UC Davis so she wants me to go there too. I’ve decided there really is no way for me to do anything because I am in a financial bind at the moment. I’ve decided to write my appeal for UC Davis alongside my original plan for UC Berkeley. I told her that I needed to pick a college just in case the appeals don’t work, so I told her I would pick UC Irvine. She immediately snapped at me and said to wait for the appeals because she thinks that the colleges would see that I had already picked another college so they wouldn’t even bother reading my appeals.
@memphinx Look up "narcissism"and see if it describes your mother. She only cares about how your college reflects on her. As much as she says “she won’t help you” , she won’t want you not to go to college or to go to CC as that would make her look worse.
You could ask her of the colleges you did get into, which one she likes better as you other choice is CC. Say you want to enroll in one, just in case the appeal doesn’t come through (which it won’t).
This is all ridiculous, but right now she is paying so you have to play the game a bit.
I honestly would write up an “appeal” to both, show it to her, and just pretend to send it.
@memphinx Are you saying that your mom won’t let you put down a deposit anywhere until she hears back about the appeals process? Does this put you in danger of missing the deadline to matriculate? If so, this is a very dire situation. I would try again to get an outsider to help – maybe your school principle-- to at least convince her to allow you to register somewhere.
@memphinx However, you should consider the possibility that she will effectively disown you for failing to get into UCD, and ask your counselor about work / apprenticeship / etc. possibilities so that you can move out and live on your own until age 24, in case she stays true to what she says and refuses to help you with any college besides UCD.