<p>After a bumpy take-off, it seems that she is beginning to settle in just fine. And I agree with another poster here who mentioned that for some students, orientation and the time before the start of classes is the most difficult time.</p>
<p>I am glad for y,all that things are getting on fine!</p>
<p>I am glad that things seem to be settling down for the OP. There are a couple of lessons from this and the similar threads we will see over the next few weeks. It is a really good idea to send kids to a summer camp of some sort to help them adjust to dorm living. I will never forget my D's first camp experience. We drove most of the day and once we got to camp she would not get out of the car. It took several hours and some really good camp counsellors to get her out of the car and lock the doors behind her. She was 15 and always seemed very confident and independent. Secondly, I think it is really important to learn about the campus culture. At many colleges, parties and drinking are the major forms of entertainment. Trying to find clubs and over activities does not always work well. My D decided early on that she was looking for a nerdy school, where parties and drinking were a minor part of the culture.</p>
<p>edad, I agree that camp experiences help them to know group living. But for some kids no matter how often they are exposed they are never going to like it. We sent all of our kids to various camps--sports, science, leadership, etc. The youngest two never came to like the dorm type living even when they liked the camp activities themselves. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when they hated dorm life ;).</p>
<p>I agree. My D's camp and college summer program experiences convinced her that she really wanted a single room on a "quiet" floor. She is very happy with her own space and the ability to set her own schedules for studying and sleeping. She did need foam earplugs because even the quiet floor had too much noise late at night.</p>
<p>This is just an oberservation - but in our - parents - generation - thoss who went to college and on campus - living in a dorm - with roomies - was the norm - and for most it was not that different from living at home and sharing a bedroom.</p>
<p>Fastforward to now - and many of these kids have never had to share a bedroom at home - and then find themselves having to share their space in a college dorm - it is a big adjustment for sure - and many nowadays are not very accepting of it - really have no real clue on how to do it or how to compromise in the dorm living ranks.</p>
<p>But........ IMHO living in a dorm is a great learning and growth experience - for some they leave the dorm after a year or two - for others it is a dorm existence for the duration. We all have to make adjustments in life and in our living experience - so the dorm experience does help in that respect.</p>
<p>I somewhat feel that what was good for the goose - is also a good experience for the ducklings as well - live and learn - and adjust to real life. I don't mean to be crude or to insult anyone here - but some families really do not have any clue - or even attempt to - support that adjustment - which all young people really do need to learn - sharing their space/their world - for the first time can certainly be a shock to some systems.</p>
<p>We had a similar experience with a roomie - had no clue how to share the living space and made life - and the dorm experience - pretty miserable for others - and the mom didn't help at all - very intrusive in the situation. Dorm mates really do need to attempt to work out what ever it is that is not comfortable - and if that doesn't work - then maybe a chance is appropriate - not that unusual at all to happen. There are a few who do need a single room and definitely benefit from that experience but for most - sharing a living space can be a great learning experience - lots of lessons to be learned.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Once she gets to her classes (she should be in some advanced classes with all those credits!) she should find people like her.
[/quote]
I agree with this and would add (as a serious intravert) ... the outgoing social people and groups are VERY visible and for me, at least, it took a little more looking (and time) to find the other quieter folks. If even 20% of the students are similar to your daughter that is hundreds of kids ... the trick is finding them. In my case after most of the freshman had headed off to bars and/or frat parties there were a few of us left ... I was lucky as a few upperclassman in the dorm wandered the halls and rounded up some of the quieter folks and we headed to movies or played cards or hung around and shot the breeze or whatever. It did take me about a semester to really settle in well at school with a lot of loneliness the first semester ... but by winter break I knew I wanted to stop "visiting" my family and head back to school (e.g., "home").</p>
<p>Count me in with the other posters who have mentioned the value of having kids experience some time away from home before launching them into college. My 15 yo junior son -- young for grade, somewhat introverted, socially on the naive side -- went to a six-week program this summer. </p>
<p>He came home a diffferent person. <em>He</em> realized he could survive the dorm food (he is an extraordinarily picky eater), do his own laundry, make choices consistent with his values, and get himself motivated to get academic work done. (RE: the economics: both my spouse and I attended similar programs for a summer in HS too -- some of these things are FREE). All the participants this summer had private rooms, though -- so he'll still have to climb that hurdle. Now <em>I</em> am much more confident he'll be ready to launch in two years, too.</p>
<p>His first choice college now is 3,000 miles away and reflects a lot of the characteristics of the program he attended this summer. His checklist for what he wants in a college has stunned me with its maturity and the level of self-knowledge it contains. The list of schools he wants hasn't changed much, but WHY he wants them has.</p>
<p>I was an RA in college and know all about the need to recharge away from others. Perhaps the OP's daughter and her roommate can set up times for each to have "private time" in the room without others being around. That gets easier once classes are in session and people have places to go, things to do, and less nervous energy about getting acclimated. There WILL be others who share similar traits and study habits...and those are the folks who become your roommates and closest friends as you continue. </p>
<p>I also remember feeling blindsided by the wide array of personal choices people made at college -- I knew folks did this stuff, but it had never been so in-my-face. A couple of HS friends took me to a wild party the first night on campus -- they didn't party themselves, but their point (as they told me while I was crying in a Krystal's Hamburger joint later over the shock of the entire experience) was to expose me to situations and things they knew I hadn't seeen so I would be prepared. Going off to school forces one to decide "what are MY values? Not my parents, not what is expected of me, but how am I going to live MY life?" And even for the most grounded kids, that is a big jolt of reality.</p>
<p>Glad to hear things are settling down...it just takes time.</p>
<p>At least OP's D. is rooming with a friend. Sometimes it is such a nightmare to be paired with a stranger than is not just different than you are but is totally incompatible.</p>
<p>My son this year was allowed to choose roommate, so is with a friend he met his fresh. year--that helps. Last year his roommate stayed up all night playing video games, while my son had all 8am classes. The roommate of his friend last year refused to bathe or ever wash his linens. My D. had a roommate that partied every night and came in at 3 or 4, turning on lights and stereo--my D. was more willing to cause a ruckus and went to RA and insisted that the girl be moved (after "counseling" between the 2 showed there would be no compromise).</p>
<p>wow...</p>
<p>I'm scared of having to live with some stranger now... with my luck they will be nothnig like me... :(</p>
<p>not meaning to hijack the thread, but um, what if it's still not going well? it's almost been 3 weeks now...how long I do I have to wait to know that it is not for me? I don't want to be transferring for the wrong reasons. What kind of questions should I ask myself to know if it is not the right fit? (when the time comes to actually transfer)</p>
<p>have classes started yet?</p>
<p>try to list to yourself what you do and do not like about the school. put the list away and come back tomorow and see if you think that the reasons point towards leaving of staying</p>
<p>yes, this is the third week of classes. i mean it's going by fast and all, but i actually wanted to enjoy my college experience and i'm not. i hear college is supposed to be the time of my life, and so far, it's not for me. it's very depressing and i just feel homesick all the time no matter what i do. also to see all my friends from hs having a great time at their colleges just makes me wonder...i'm happy for them...but i wish i was having fun too. i feel like a loser for not liking my time at college.</p>
<p>Wanna - ok so why do you want to as of this moment?? What is not going well for you??</p>
<p>wanna,
Most people don't enjoy every minute of college. It's not fun studying for exams and writing papers. The adjustment period of the first couple of months of freshman year is difficult for most people. Some people try to hide their anxiety and feelings of uprootedness by getting high and drunk, which masks their feelings, but almost everyone feels some sense of not belonging, confusion, anxiety as they learn the ropes in a new situation.</p>
<p>By the time such people come home for Christmas, however, they tend to have adjusted well enough to be able to talk about the good things, and the memories of those unsettled first several weeks have faded. By spring break, many have made some real friends, had successes in an EC and classes, and are enjoying their newfound identity and independence as college students. However, don't look around and believe that everyone has a smooth transition. There are bumps in the road and uncertainties and anxieties for virtually everyone.</p>
<p>I notice that some parents here are suggesting that things were easier back in the old day because students were used to sharing bedrooms with siblings, etc. However, I remember lots of people were homesick, and also many --including me -- were irritated with roommates over what now seem like very trivial reasons. It is an adjustment for anyone to share 24/7 a room with a new person and to adjust to life in a new environment.</p>
<p>The main difference between those days and now is that now due to IMing and cell phones, students who go away to college are in much closer contact with their parents, who hear more about the day to day adjustment struggles. When I was in college, most freshmen didn't even have phones in their bedrooms. We shared a hall phone, and long distance costs were high, plus such phone calls lacked privacy. Few would have stood in a hall phone crying about their college adjustment, even though many were struggling with adjusting and may have even softly cried into their pillows at night. They would put on a good face so that others wouldn't know their biz.</p>
<p>Now, however, students are able to communicate with parents more frequently and in more privacy, and some students connect with their parents several times a day to discuss things that in the old days parents would never have learned about or have been involved in solving because by the time the student had gotten a chance to call or write about the problem situation, it would have been resolved.</p>
<p>Dear wanna,
I have this argument with my sons. Both have the idea (from MTV?) that college is all about MTV style 'fun'. I don't share that outlook. I think the undergraduate years are all about the intellectual awakening. Have your fun every once in while if I am paying $160k, thanks.</p>
<p>Surprise. Those two concepts are at odds!</p>
<p>Three weeks is too early to feel the thrill of intellectual expansion--and it is a palpable thrill. You might be well into sophomore year before you realize how your mind has expanded. Not that you will remain so unhappy for that whole time, but making major life transistions generally goes hand in hand with a few blues and insecurities. It's normal. Keep looking for some people who could be new friends. Keep reading. Keep going to events that sound kinda cool.</p>
<p>If it's any consolation, oftentimes, the kids having too too much fun in college do not have those mind expanding experiences which means they do not graduate with the same sense of excitement about the next phase of their lives. It is worth it to stay the non-MTV course....says me. ;)</p>
<p>I know this will disappoint many of you, but my daughter has made the decision to come home. SHe is meeting with her dean tomorrow to sign her withdrawal papers. I know many of you will insist that she should have stuck it out, but she told me that there was nothing that would change her mind and make her love the college life. SHe is content with her decision, and feels she will get a better shot at focusing on her education from her own home. We stand behind her 100%. She has had many offers from colleges right here on Long Island.</p>
<p>We will be getting a full refund of the first semesters tuition, minus the room deposit and and maybe some deductions from the meal plan. If she came to this decision further down the road, the percentage of re-imbursement goes down every week by 20%. So I am proud of her for realizing this.</p>
<p>Thank you once again and god bless you all for all your insights, concern, and warm wishes.</p>
<p>Best of luck to your D and you too, Crissy. My D had a very tough semester last fall and we thought she might come home. She is doing fine now but I know as a mom how painful it is to have your D away from home and suffering. </p>
<p>There may even be some factors that you haven't heard about yet that disturbed her about the dorm and made her so sure she wanted out of there. She sounds like a determined young lady. I hope she can still start college somewhere closer to home this fall.</p>
<p>Hopefully, a semester or two of gap will help her. At least she will learn that there is no going back. The HS days are over. My older D lived at home for 2 years of Suffolk CC and 2 years of SBU. We even suggested that she try the SBU dorms but she found living at home to be a better option.</p>
<p>Well, she has made her decision, and in the grand scheme of things, not the end of the world by any means....if it was the right one, that is great, if it is the wrong one, well, that is okay too. She is lucky that she is able to get into a college now, so she doesn't lose time.</p>
<p>As an aside, and to perhaps help others, and this is not to judge, or anything, but as we have seen on this site kids may on many different forums, not referring to this thread alone:</p>
<p>not be cut out for dorm life
not have picked the right school for them
have too high expextations for what college will be (see wanna's posts)
not really known what they wanted</p>
<p>And those are all okay and understandable</p>
<p>I am just wondering if the kids and parents ask themselves the right questions when starting the process:</p>
<p>what kind of studier am I
do I want a "party school" (lots do-egad)
what are my expectations- are they realistic
will I be able to settle down and work
do I want a smaller school, or a large one
what life experiences have I had to prepare me
am I dong something because everyone else wants me too
or
am I doing it because it is something i really want</p>
<p>crisspyp- maybe later on, when things settle down and D is all set up, maybe you might have some insight to share that might help other families</p>
<p>you have been very gracious through all of this, and I am sure your daughter felt it, even though we on this site can be a coming at you wlth all kinds of opinions, suggestions, and ideas.</p>
<p>Good luck, and take care</p>
<p>Bummer. Maybe the Dean will be able to forestall such a radical decision. Good luck to you, crissy.</p>