need help and advice...daughter wants to come home

Parents Forum
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<p>wow, that was harsh, all I am trying to point out is that when a sudden life change is made, that is made in a kind of dramatic, traumatic way, at least initially, that when that happens, you need to be sure you get why it happened</p>

<p>we have seen posters all over this site who were miserable the first few days who are now doing well</p>

<p>My D once called me from a dance, she was hysterical, crying, she had been at the dance 30 minutes. She wanted to leave. I asked if anything bad had happened, and all she could say was I want to go. So I said, on my way, make sure your friends know you are leaving, and the "guard-ticket taker" person knows I am coming....she was still upset when we got in the car....she settled and we had a long talk about WHY she was so upset...and why she reacted like she did (not that it was wrong), but what she found so bad, and how she handled it, so that next time, she would feel more comfortable in herself, her reactions, and her boundaries, I was very glad she left, she was true to herself, but it would not have been fair to her if we didn't talk about what obviously was a traumatic experience...afterwards, she herself figured out stuff about herself and what she needed to work on and what she found important and she grew, not from the leaving, but from what she learned by doing some introspection- it wasn't just the obnoxious girls that bothered her, it was more, but she couldn't articulate it at the time, so it wasn't that I pushed, but I could see she was still upset</p>

<p>It wasn;t that she shouldn't leave, not at all, but that if something was so wrong, something she had been looking forward to, something she sensed in her gut before she went, but went anyway, because she didn['t trust herself.</p>

<p>The conversation afterwards was wonderful, she learned so much about herself, her "limits", what she valued, etc by thinking about it and having a plan for herself if she find herself in those circumstances again.</p>

<p>My point is and has been, that it is important to move forward, but unless and until we learn what makes us tick, and go beneath surface, such as the dorm was too loud and no privacy, even though that IS college. environment, we will still be stuck in the same place</p>

<p>I am not saying there is anything wrong with this young lady, or with her decision to come home.....I think she was probablly right to come home...for her dorm life was not the right place...</p>

<p>but as I said before, did she really want to go, did she go because she felt she had to, because everyone else was doing it, did she sense in herself before she left that it was not the right decision, or was it a total surprise, and something she thought she wanted and was ready for and that was not the case at all</p>

<p>If any of the above are true, for anybody, we need to learn to trust our guts, our hearts, and make decisions that feel right...she was very lucky to get into another school, for that I am glad, but it took a kind of expensive truamatic experience before she learned to listen to herself, and fortuneately it workd out, but there is something to be said for intuition, and learning to listen to yourself when something doesn't feel right BEFORE you are so invested</p>

<p>I have seen too many times where people didn't know or trust themselves enough, and the ending wasn't so clean and easy</p>

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<p>Crissy,</p>

<p>I'm impressed with your daughter's integrity and morals. Thank you for sharing the rest of the story.</p>

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<p>I know the dance story sounds trite, but as it turned out, my D hadn't really wanted to go, but felt obligated and didn't know how to back out and change her mind...what she learned from a small event, has translated to much bigger, more important life choices, and she learned to listen to herself before a major decision to make...</p>

<p>that is all i was trying to say, this tread should be a lesson to others to trust themselves more before decisions are made that might not be so easily reversed</p>

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<p>Chrissyp... I didn't get a chance to post before I saw yours, but I want to say that I was disturbed at those who started heaping on the criticism not knowing the facts. I assumed that Adelphi either had left an open invitation or else simply is one of the many colleges in the country that has more spaces open than students to fill them... and I also had assumed by your daughter's behavior that something was going on in the dorms that made her very uncomfortable, most probably related to drinking. So it doesn't suprise me at all that she looked around and realized that drunken revelry was not for her. </p>

<p>I think your daughter showed maturity in the way she handled things and decisiveness in the timing -- her prompt withdrawal allowed your family to recoup most costs. If I were in the hospital, I would rather have a nurse who was able to react quickly and decisively to unexpected or changed circumstances, rather than one who would adopt a wait-and-see approach with a patient in apparent distress.... and one who was sober and alert because she hadn't been out partying all night before her shift. So basically I think all the comments about being cut out for nursing, or not, are out of line. On the other hand, I'd wonder about the judgment of future nurses who drink until they pass out .... I mean, if they can't even figure out some basic facts about blood alcohol content and the risks associated with binge drinking, that doesn't say much for their ability to learn the rest of the curriculum.</p>

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<p>CGM--I was talking about everyone, not just you. But if you think it was harsh, think how Chrissy might feel about all the judgments flying around here about her TEENAGE daughter.</p>

<p>Calmom--agree with everything you said.</p>

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<p>Calmom, well said.
Crissy congratulations on your D's decision, and again, the best of luck! Glad the day went well, and that your D got into all of the classes that she needs.</p>

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<p>Calmom - Thanks</p>

<p>citysgirl- Dance School? how old was your daughter??</p>

<p>I had a wonderful day with my daughter, we laughed, we ate, we hustled around Adelphi for 6 hours getting everything in order, she talked, I listened, and supported her once again in her decision. She's happy, we're happy, and that's all that matters. We both learned that we all mistakes, mis-judgements, and most of the time if we're lucky they can be rectified, as in this case.</p>

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<p>well, she shared with us, and we had opinions, we have NO IDEA who this person is, so how can it effect her really?</p>

<p>think about it....</p>

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<p>As far as living at home and studying nursing goes, many students at our local community college are studying to be RNs and living at home (because everyone commutes to the community college!)</p>

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<p>crissy:</p>

<p>I'm so glad that things worked out for your D. If Sacred Heart had two girls needing to be carried out in the first week of classes, and it's supposed to be a dry campus, then it was not the right place to for your D to be. Good luck to her!</p>

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<p>Crissyp: Your wise young daughter went with her gut, and made the difficult decision to make a huge change. When she graduates with her nursing degree in four years, if she is looking for a job in Florida-PM me. </p>

<p>She knew that there was something "wrong" with the lifestyle choices being made all around her. She has good instincts already, and they will serve her well. I only hope my D's will be as intutitive, will listen to their instincts, and will call mom to ask for help. Too many 18 yo's really do go with the flow, succumb to peer pressure, and end up in some sort of trouble. I just can't really understand the number of kids who comsume the amount of alcohol they do these days in high school and in college. And what is even more surprising is the number of kids who don't drink, who don't want to drink, but who are made to feel uncomfortable about thier disinterest. </p>

<p>I lived at home attending an LAC as a freshman. I moved on campus as a sophomore. She might be intereted in doing so. She will have made friends, and by that time would have the opportunity to find a living situation that she would be more comfortable with. She'll have lots of options. All will be better for her than what she left.</p>

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<p>I am so glad that things worked out well for your daughter. Unless I recall things incorrectly, she was on the younger side (not yet 18 when she left for college). I think she was mature beyond her years to recognize that she needed a change. Still, being one of the youngest in a college situation isn't all that easy. It's wonderful that she was able to matriculate at a school closer to home and get all the classes she needs. Whew!!!</p>

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<p>I still think we are missing something here. It's one thing to leave admission open. It's another thing to leave the scholarship on the table. What exactly did Crissy and her daughter communicate to Adelphi when they chose Scared Heart.</p>

<p>Did you say that you have chosen Sacred Heart, but wait could you leave my place and scholarship open just in case? It seems like there was some deception on their part towards Adelphi and thet they were very lucky to go back and retain her spot and scholarship.</p>

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<p>This has been explained over and over. Some schools do follow this procedure. Several posters have said this. It's not a matter of leaving a scholarship "open". They offer more than they know they will get. They don't then assign them to other people if they're turned down. Why is it still a question?</p>

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<p>To the OP- congrats to all of you for resolving the situation in a way that works for everyone involved.</p>

<p>To the Greek Chorus on this thread.... I feel compelled to post some reality for those of you who have lost touch by spending so much time on CC where every 14 year old is determined to become an urban planner and has interned for a local architect, or every 16 year old has known since he was 8 that he was going to be a theoretical physicist and posts on here asking about the best PhD programs:</p>

<p>Most people have no idea what they want to do with their lives at 18 or even at 28.</p>

<p>Most colleges (even the ones which are allegedly dry, even the ones which have a low binge drinking index or no frats) have kids who drink to excess. Some colleges have more than others; some colleges have extreme cases of alchohol poisoning whereas others just have kids passed out in the bathrooms, but there are kids with substance problems at every college in America (including BYU) To deny this fact as you pat yourselves on the back that your kids college is the exception is... denial.</p>

<p>Many nurses do just fine professionally, thank you very much, regardless of how mature they were, or how decisive they were, at age 17. This is a wholly irrelevant factor related to their skills as a nurse. Moreover, the view implied on this thread that nurses work in hospitals with critical care patients is a narrow one at best- nurses work for insurance companies doing case review; nurses work for venture capital funds evaluating patient care models of prospective investments; nurses visit elderly patients at home and assess their mental competence and the cleanliness of their surroundings. How the OP"s daughter's experience would be at all germane to any of these career choices is beyond me.</p>

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<p>Re: post 173:Not all colleges are "full" when classes start. And some will go out of their way to get a very competitive student with good grades, a high rank, and good scores to matriculate. It is not unusual at all for a private college to indicate to a student that they will hold their acceptance open, or to facilitate a transfer to a student that they wanted to have attend to begin with. While this may not be an occurance at an IVY or a public university, there are often ways to make room for one more student. And not all institutions have a set dollar amount for scholarships. With rather large endowments, there is flexibility. Look at those who you can "bargin" with when you really want to go to school A, but school B gave you a better package.</p>

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<p>there was never any deception whatsoever! Her application and admittance was still open and was being held for one year. That is their policy for what I understand. I feel very fortunate that this was the case, because I did not know that money would still be available for students that register late.
Remember, TODAY was the last day for registration for the fall semester.
This was told to be by their financial aid office yesterday when went in to speak to them about the costs. I hope this explains why the money was still available and clears up any confusion you might have about this situation.</p>

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<p>Congrats to crissyp and to her daughter. Sometimes your initial gut reaction is very clear and you just know when to act on it. This appears to be one of those times and good for the d for knowing that. Many of us are so afraid of others' reactions that we delay making a decision for no other reason than what other people will think. I applaud the maturity of the daughter in this particular instance. Have a wonderful year and good luck!</p>

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<p>it wasn't dance school it was HS dance at another school, and it was, what is the best decription, at best it was "skanky"....and nasty...and icky...she was touched, she was "freaked on" against her will, two girls started a fight about a boy, all withing 15 minutes, </p>

<p>She went against her better judgement...she told me after she had a feeling in her stomach because of a couple of comments people made, ie, don't wear a skirt, but brushed them off as she was all caught up in the excitement</p>

<p>She didn;t listen to her instincts, and often, we as women do not trust ourselves, and can make choices that are not so easily fixed, and if we don't learn to do that, much worse things can happen</p>

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<p>I have to confess to mixed feelings here. On the one hand, I'm very happy that things worked out so well for the OP and her daughter--it's very tough being an unhappy kid away from home for the first time and/or the parent of same. On the other, I'm somewhat nonplussed by the number of people who have come here to applaud the daughter for following "her initial gut reaction" and leaving school after a week. The truth is that her initial gut reaction was to go to Sacred Heart, a reaction which, if I remember, was reinforced by three more visits including an overnight. This seems to have been a gut reaction to actually being away from home, and she decided not to stick it out.</p>

<p>As I said, I'm glad it has worked out for her and the OP in the short run. I do wonder though how the decision to immediately reverse what was apparently a very carefully reasoned decision and leave Sacred Heart will impact her later on. This is NOT a comment on her nursing career--I don't think this has anything to do with that at all--it is, instead, a thought about the fact that kids eventually leave home and make life decisions (marriage, job choice, etc.) which are not always sweetness and light. Will this, for example, make her more likely to bail on a relationship at the first sign of problems because of her ability to land on her feet here? I don't know the answer to this, but it's something you have to think about and guard against.</p>

<p>My personal view is that college, for the most part, is far less about what is learned inside the classroom than many applicants and their parents believe, and far more about what is learned outside the classroom, namely, how to grow up, become independant and prepare for the rest of life. Personally, I wish that either the OPs daughter had stuck it out or, if she had to come home, had taken a gap semester or year so that the consequences from making big decisions like this would be brought into focus. However, I realize that's very easy to say about someone else's kid, and I don't know whether I'd have the same reaction as the OP if placed in the same circumstance.</p>