Need Perspective, Senior Son Wasting Summer

Parents Forum
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<p>Is your son typically a last-minute kind of guy? Has he been responsible enough to get his schoolwork done on time in the past? I’m sure you understand that his schedule need not be yours. I kind of like the idea of a lazy summer. The time will come all too soon when it’s no longer an option.</p>

<p>My guess is he’s either showing a little angst about the upcoming year or is trying to let you know in his own way that he’d like to take control of the process. Neither sounds bad. I feel so sorry for families who have a stressful year during their kid’s last year of hs. It’s hard enough as it is. Except for a rational discussion about when he plans to get things done, maybe back off a bit?</p>

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<p>Honestly, I would just let him be. Applying to colleges is a lot of stress, and I wouldn’t get on his case, because he seems to just want to spend his time relaxing, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Now is not the time to be too concerned.</p>

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<p>What’s his aspiration? What kind of schools is he thinking of applying? If he is thinking of applying to top tier schools (because of his high GPA), then he needs to do something about his SATs. Many rising seniors are also writing their essays now. Does he have any idea on what his essay topics will be? Has he started writing down different schools’ deadline for EA/ED/RD, what about scholarship deadlines? If he has a plan on how he is going to tackle all of those tasks, then I would leave him alone. If he doesn’t, then I would be more concerned whether he is going to be ready for college. Some parents may disagree, but I don’t think it’s quite normal to spend that much time on FB and video games. Is FB something new to him? Sometimes they’ll stop being so obsessed after the newness wears out. </p>

<p>If it’s my kid and if I think he is wasting his time, I would sign up SAT or writing(essay) courses for him. If money is an issue, I would require him to do 2-3 hours of SAT practice test a day, limit his computer usage, and make sure he has some household chores if he is not going to work. If he doesn’t comply, I would take his computer away. I treat my kids like grownups when they behave as such.</p>

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<p>Sounds like my son. He is a rising senior, has a learner’s permit but has no interest in driving (doesn’t mind taking the school bus), doesn’t have a job (needs a car to get to one … and we live in 20% unemployment-land), plays in a metal band, doesn’t drink or do drugs, got a 33 on the ACT, is doing his summer reading and blogging for AP English … in other words, he’s not setting the world on fire but he is certainly just fine. He went to pharmacy camp to make sure that’s what he wants to do, found out it is, and is fine with applying to a few early assurance pharmD schools. One is a state school, which we are sure he will get into & we can afford. Life is fine … why stress?!</p>

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<p>Playing video games all day is what would drive me nuts. Does he do anything around the house? Laundry, cleaning, cooking, yard work, help in any way?</p>

<p>He wants to be treated like an adult,but act like a 12 year old. Can’t have it both ways. And destress? He could be going off to war,not heading off to 12th grade.</p>

<p>My daughter tried to get jobs this summer, it was a tough year for teens to apply. I told her she needed to intern. Maybe no money, but she is working 40 hours a week, doing things she couldn’t learn in a class room. </p>

<p>Remember when we were younger? Did we play video games in our rooms all summer? No pretty siure we got out, rode bikes, read books, worked, and weren’t just sitting around “destressing”</p>

<p>How did we do it!! Me thinks we coddle these kids too much. Down time, sure, do nothing for months on end, not so much.</p>

<p>And if he had a lower GPA, would you be less understanding of his doing nothing? Why is that even relevant? As if somehow that mitigates laziness.</p>

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<p>I do remember a lot of de-stress time with friends,way back when, connecting in ways the kids don’t do now, but I also worked part time. Back then, they had more jobs than students, so it was a different playing field. My parents drove me until I was 18 and could afford to put a down payment on a car and pay for gas. We only had 1 car and I couldn’t hog it. We have 2 but 5 people in the family.
I couldn’t ask my child to do 3 hours of SAT work a day unless he/she wanted too, that is okay for someone who is motivated to do it, for someone else, it might backfire. And how do you make a student study, that has to come from them. You can take things away or limit the computer, but at 17, I have to hope studying is done on their own. (fingers stay crossed) My guys know the higher their score, the more merit money they can get, they know our finances, but that pressure is too much with other things and I don’t want it to make them overly anxious. I told them they are more than their scores, they have options no matter what, and just do the best they can within reason…it’s the “within reason” that parents/students quibble over.</p>

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<p>This is normal behavior for many boys and some girls. You give a laundry list of tasks. Why not prioritize and expect progress in ONE area by school – summer reading seems vital.</p>

<p>How about a four hour window with no computer games? See how he’ll fill it.</p>

<p>The only major concern I would have is the SAT score. On that account perhaps your son should take a practice ACT. If he scores better in that format, perhaps he should concentrate on that.</p>

<p>If you have other expectations make them clear. Like many teenaged boys, your son is not particularly motivated. Supply the essential structure and let the rest be.</p>

<p>Social skills are important too, and hanging out with friends can be an important growth experience.</p>

<p>Jobs are very difficult to come by this summer, especially so late in the summer, so that may be a lost lieder this year.</p>

<p>Do you have a garden that needs weeding?</p>

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<p>OP here. Thanks for all the responses. This was just what I was looking for. The advice about DS getting a job really resonates. In this town also, the teen job market is slim to none, but he can try to continue what he does to earn money during the school year–tutoring. His regular clients are taking the summer off, but if he advertises a bit, maybe he can drum up some business. I had thought he would be spending the summer studying for the SAT, volunteering at the senior center (he is there for a few hrs once a week)…and everything else I listed in the OP…so I didn’t push about employment. We’ve been able to talk a little today about my being less involved, and it tentatively went well. It is true that if he doesn’t have the motivation, I can’t manufacture it for him.</p>

<p>It has been puzzling to everyone that his SAT scores were so much lower than his PSAT–they were lower across the board (he did get a 30 on the ACT, which was lower than his teachers expected). I actually had another thread on this, but if anyone has any ideas, they will be appreciated…</p>

<p>There really has been a change in him–he is quieter (BIG change) and seeming pensive and introspective–which is why I was thinking he might be feeling daunted by the future. And Facebook is somewhat new to him, as someone suggested, so the thrill of what he calls the “voyeurism” has yet to wear off. The fact that he is spending time with friends is good–he is seen somewhat as the classic nerd–and I’m glad to see him out of the house and socializing more. Maybe he’s just growing up, separating appropriately, and I need to become used to it!</p>

<p>Sorry for the book. He knows he has to get his Learner’s Permit soon if he is going to get his license in time to drive the golf team around, so maybe he’ll rouse himself to do that. I’m going to step back from active involvement, but my parental antenna is still up. He isn’t an adult quite yet! </p>

<p>Still interested in any points of view if anyone wants to weigh in.</p>

<p>Thanks again.</p>

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<p>You don’t have to step back all the way. He can still do stuff around the house. He is not the boss, yet!!! You can still have expectations. It doesn’t allhave to be about school, but most everyone I know with kids, those kids do something regardless of age, do SOMETHING over the summer. Some paint, some work, some volunteer, some intern, some read, some write, some actually do applications, some work out, some learn to drive, some learn to knit (yes, Iknow boys that knit), some do yard work, some take hilkes, go camping.</p>

<p>When my daughter had three free weeks before senior year (camp counselor job ended), she explored our city- went to the different neighborhoods, museums, learned to sew, worked out, filled her days.</p>

<p>Yes it may be more of a boy thing to basically do nothing but hang out, but I know far more boys who do things than those that do little.</p>

<p>And its amazing how being busy can often LESSON stress and nerves.</p>

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<p>I have to say that when my son saw your post he almost thought I wrote it (but he’s playing a different game). He has a half-time job, but I don’t see that that solves the problem since there’s no much that needs to be done. Like your son, he had been really self-motivated and has worked hard for years, but after APs, SAT Is, SAT IIs he just sort of stopped short. It gets to me because I know the years of good grades and test scores isn’t going to deliver much if he doesn’t get a couple of his extra-curriculars (music, science project) together - at least that’s what the college counselor says. And by default he’s decided not to retake the SATs, which are good but could be better. We did take a college trip to look at some colleges, and he just wasn’t that interested, so that didn’t really work for us. </p>

<p>Anyway, I obviously don’t have much advice, but thanks for the post because it was a good springboard for talking to my son. I sympathize with high school kids who have to work much too hard during the year. I think we’re just seeing burnout.</p>

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<p>“He knows he has to get his Learner’s Permit soon if he is going to get his license in time to drive the golf team around, so maybe he’ll rouse himself to do that.”</p>

<p>This is so important that I suggest that you tell him what day he’s going to be getting his permit, and then transport him there. If I had waited for my sons to rouse themselves to get their learners permits, I’d still be waiting.</p>

<p>My sons were very much like I was when I was young. I was so intimidated by the responsibility of driving that I didn’t learn to drive until I was 24.</p>

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<p>"It gets to me because I know the years of good grades and test scores isn’t going to deliver much if he doesn’t get a couple of his extra-curriculars (music, science project) together - at least that’s what the college counselor says. "</p>

<p>Most colleges don’t factor ECs into admission. At most, ECs might help with merit aid. Most colleges select students overwhelmingly based on students grades, test scores and – for public universities – state of residence.</p>

<p>The few colleges that do factor ECs into admission are top colleges like Harvard, which get such an overabundance of high stat applicants that Harvard can afford to pick and choose from among those to create an active student body that’s diverse in all meanings of the word.</p>

<p>If you have to push your son to do ECs over the summer, he isn’t likely to have the type of strong ECs that stand out at the few schools that use ECs as admissions criteria.</p>

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<p>That’s basically what my son is doing right now - and I’m letting him be.</p>

<p>Of course, he spent the last 3 weeks in June taking a summer class, and he starts Band Camp next Wednesday - and that goes everyday until school starts. He’s basically had July off…but 2 weeks of that were spent visiting family in Pennsylvania and New Orleans. He’s also spent some time narrowing down his college list and working on (well, “thinking” about would be more accurate) his essays. And he’s had regular trumpet lessons throughout the summer, too.</p>

<p>He also JUST got his license last week and he’s 17-1/2 and a rising senior.</p>

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<p>Depending on how old son is, he ma not even be able to drive anyone under 25 anyway. In california, you can’t drive another person not related,under 25, until you have been driving for oine year. Something to ponder.</p>

<p>As well, most kids are doing something,not necessarily academic, but something over the summer.</p>

<p>More kids do something than do nothing. And you have boys, young men, who work, volunteer, do stuff around the house, work out, learn new skills, work at habitat for humanity, all kinds of things that actually reduce stress, and allow for getting refreshed. Often doing nothing doesn’t really get rid of the stressers. More often, going outside yourself, helping others, exploring, etc is more beneficial.</p>

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<p>"He knows he has to get his Learner’s Permit soon if he is going to get his license in time to drive the golf team around, so maybe he’ll rouse himself to do that. "</p>

<p>Because of the distractions of having other young people in the car, many states only let new drivers have passengers who are over 21 in their car for several months. The exceptions are if they are transporting family members. I didn’t let my son drive around any of his friends until he had had his permanent license for 6 months. I didn’t let him ride with friends until they had had their permanent license for 6 months.</p>

<p>There has been much evidence that not doing this raises the chance of the new drivers’ being in accidents.</p>

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<p>Wedodn’t call things we did in the summer EC’s. They were fun and enriching things to do. Not everything needs to be nore should be for applications. Doing things, like volunteering, exploring museums, taking pictures,just males a person more well rounded, more interesting, more exciting, more curious. You do things because they add something to your life and hopefully to other’s lives. Walking an elderly neighbors dog just because can make you feel good. Checking out the local science museum is just fun. Attending a lecture at the local library expands the mind.</p>

<p>Seems we need to remember they are kids, but they are also budding adults who should explore themselves and their worlds beyond the application. </p>

<p>I took my daughter to a lecture, she didn’t want to go,went begrudedly, but once there,had a great time. Does that lecture show up as an EC, no, but did my daughter learn something new? yes. </p>

<p>So, my suggestion would be encourage your son to do stuff, just to do stuff, take out school, college, applications, etc, out of the equation. When you do that, your kids will surprise you. Want them to study for the SAT, get them some great books. If you want them to get organized, offer to teach them how to paing their room. </p>

<p>ECs are not what matters, just do things,and they may evolve to being a great EC, they may just be great things to do, which is just fine.</p>

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<p>ilvoetoquilt, children under 18 in CT can’t have anyone in their car that isn’t a parent or driving for 4 years or more for 6 months or longer. Some break the rules, but if you get caught, it’s not worth it. Not like when we got ours, everyone piled in and went for a joy ride…you never hear that term now. : )</p>

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<p>“I took my daughter to a lecture, she didn’t want to go,went begrudedly, but once there,had a great time. Does that lecture show up as an EC, no, but did my daughter learn something new? yes.”</p>

<p>I agree. There are MANY things that we have done over the summer that have benefited our sons - altho they may not realize it just now. Do these show up on the college applications? No - but they are still worthwhile experiences.</p>

<ul>
<li>We took them to see Phantom of the Opera the other night. They didn’t like the “opera” part, but they understood the storyline and appreciated the sets, quality of singing, the orchestra, and the special effects.</li>
<li>We went to a Drum Corps show. It was a late night - but they insisted on staying to hear the Blue Devils horn line play to the crowd at the end of the competition. (Note - DH was going to stay anyway…so they didn’t really have a choice!!!)</li>
<li>While in New Orleans, both boys spent time with DH at Audubon Park, either playing golf or running the track. They also helped their grandmother take care of their invalid grandfather, and they learned to really appreciate the brief smile and sparkling eyes when someone who is old and frail recognizes you - but can’t speak to you.</li>
<li>In Pennsylvania, they attended a family reunion - meeting cousins (a few times removed) that they didn’t even know existed. They realized that just because people are related doesn’t mean that they have anything in common…but you still need to learn how to get along and be part of a bigger “family”. They also learned that dancing with your Grandma and letting EVERY SINGLE MEMBER of the family take pictures is a good thing to do…even if it embarrassesthe hell out of you!</li>
</ul>

<p>These are all experiences that shape a person - but not necessarily things you can put on a resume.</p>

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<p>“There are MANY things that we have done over the summer that have benefited our sons - altho they may not realize it just now. Do these show up on the college applications? No - but they are still worthwhile experiences.”</p>

<p>Grcxx3, you are so right. Its real life w/the family. Not everything’s scripted for college apps. </p>

<p>My kids have been sleeping in lately because they can. I do expect them to be up by 9:00 A.M. (I know if I can catch just one more hour of sleep during the weekend, I do!) </p>

<p>What works for me is writing “to do” lists so I’m not nagging them all day. There are still chores to do at home. </p>

<p>While on a trip to the east coast last month, S actually chose to bring and read 2 books for fun. I was glad that I didn’t “suggest” that he bring a book. He’s also into drum corp (would like to try out next yr. - his friend is in the Blue Devils.)</p>

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<p>I’m so glad I started this discussion. </p>

<p>That’s just the thing, he really would be happier with a little focus and outside stimulation.</p>

<p>This is a boy who in the recent past “tells me everything” but who is entirely running his own show as far as school and grades are concerned–I am completely uninvolved with that end, except to admire. And yes, he IS a last minute type of person. But it is very disconcerting now to have this wall up between us concerning everything to do with college and anything connected to the future. He has until fairly recently been a home-type of person, and I’ve been relieved to see him out more with friends as I was saying before, and I can’t help but wonder if he really thinks college will be “too much” for him. </p>

<p>I’m hoping with the lack of nagging now that he will open up and let me understand what is going on, if he knows himself. </p>

<p>As a parent, just when you feel on top of the world, you’re about to feel totally clueless. This is not the not the first time I’ve felt this way!</p>

<p>The Nat’l Merit semifinalist application will arrive soon, and I have no idea what will happen then…</p>