Need Sincere Advice for Post-FR Year Meltdown

Parents Forum
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<p>I am coming to the end of my sophomore year at college, and I can tell you that last summer I was probably not a lot of fun for my family. I did not behave exactly in the way your son has been behaving, because I do think that some of that is very wrong and had I done those things, I truly would not have life to be writing this now, but I also was not always as patient and polite as I should have been.</p>

<p>I found it very hard to come back after living away from home. I had become used to doing the things I wanted to do, when I wanted to do them, living my own life as an adult. Anything at all that my mother did was an irritation to me: Why was she telling me to do things? Couldn't she see that I had been successful in my life and could make my own decisions, that I was not a little child anymore? Why must I tell her when I will be back at night? I don't do this with anyone at school. Why must I tell her if I will not be home for a meal? If I miss it, I will make something else, as I do at school. Why must I spend time with my sister? She is not a cool person like my friends at school, she doesn't know any of the things my friends at school know, what could I possibly find to say to her? {{tli83}} My life at home, that I had always enjoyed before, now seemed to be second best, smaller, less interesting, less challenging, simply less fun than my fabulous school life. I spent the whole of the summer just working and waiting to go back to my better life. I ended up going back to school two weeks early, to work in the lab, and I was SO glad to go.</p>

<p>This summer, I will go back home again, and I hope it will be better. I won't go for as long this time, and I hope I will be able to feel more as if it is a break, not some huge imposition. My mother and I have talked about how things must be. She told me on the telephone, which I think was easier, how angry and hurt she was by how I was last summer, how I seemed so judgemental of the life she has worked so hard to make for me and my sister, and how worried she has been that I have become a different, lesser person while I have been away. Although I never meant any of those things, I would never wish to hurt her, and I don't think I have changed as a person in that way, I do understand more that my attitude made an already difficult situation for her a whole lot worse. I can't honestly say I am going to be the happiest person to be home this summer, I like my life at school very much, but I hope I will try much harder to appreciate the different things that I have at home, and the short time I have them.</p>

<p>Your son is obviously having problems in different parts of his life, and so his situation is very different to mine. I would never swear at my mother, or call her names, or not offer her any money I could, and I don't consider myself to have any disability or depression, but I found it very hard to come back home for the summer, and really, I don't know anyone who didn't that first time. </p>

<p>I think that you need to talk to him about the things that you are finding unacceptable. I don't think it will be easy, you must expect that he will be defensive, angry and hurt. Noone likes to hear that they are not found to be such a good person as they imagine, especially if they feel themselves to be in a bad situation through no fault of their own. This summer may not be great for you, it may not be the pleasant summer you have imagined for yourself and your son. I think you need to see this summer as a time for learning on both your parts. No matter what your son's disability is, you cannot expect him to return to his old life and be the child he once was, but at the same time he cannot expect to return to his family and live the life he lives as a somewhat independent person elsewhere, there are other people to think of. You should use this summer to figure out what the compromise is, what you can both live with and what you can't, so next vacation, next summer, everything is in place.</p>

<p>I'm sorry this is such a long post, and I haven't commented on the other parts of your post. I would say that his unwillingness to come home maybe suggests he is more happy at school than the impression you have of him. Everyone has tough times at school, and those are the times when some people will want to speak to their mom, when things are going well it may be that he is simply too busy or too involved to be telling you everything, so you are getting a distorted view of how his life really is. Good luck, I hope you will work this out.</p>

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<p>^^^Nice! Thanks.</p>

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<p>Wow -- Vladivar's post is amazing. And perfect.</p>

<p>In light of that I have gone back to the original post and I now have some advice to offer. :)</p>

<p>Here are the questions asked in the OP and my answers:</p>

<p>Can anyone enlighten me about the cause, and even give me tips how my husband and I should deal with this and how we should act ourselves? He's always angry...do we stop talking with him?Ignore him? Yes -- speak courteously but avoid trying to engage him or start a conversation -- let him initiate contact unless there is a specific need for communication over practical matters. </p>

<p>* Cook for him?* Prepare meals as usual at a set time -- if he doesn't show up then put the leftovers in the frig but don't cook anything else, or prepare food at other times. </p>

<p>Go on our planned vacation with him? Ask him if he wants to come or if he would prefer staying at home on his own. If every conversation is an argument, ask him in writing -- but you can tell him that you realize now that he might not enjoy spending time with you any more, and so you wanted to let him know that its o.k. with you if he does not come. </p>

<p>He says he does not plan to give us any of his earned money, but his earning it will hurt our financial aid and make us end up paying more. I paid my kids tuition and room costs, but did not give extra spending money or help out with other expenses (books, incidentals, food other than the prepaid meal plan, etc.). I assumed their earnings would pay for those things. I think that you will find that unless your son is earning an extraordinary amount of money at his summer job, that the difference in financial aid is not that great -- I think he would have to earn more than $3000 before it starts to make a dent in the aid. So my suggestion is just that you tell your son that you will not be giving him an allowance or extra money next year, and things like books will need to come out of his earnings. </p>

<p>We already gave him two credit cards (he had always been very responsible), but now is charging to them (not terribly excessively, but still unnecessarily). We pay for the car, the gas, etc. Now would be a good time for your son to have his own credit or debit card, that he pays on his own. That way, he can figure out what is "necessary" to charge and what isn't. Since he is employed, he should be able to pay the gas for the car.</p>

<p>How can we salvage this situation. We always tried to be fair and nice to him, but now he's uncaring, inconsiderate, and disrespectful to us. Vladivar's post gave me the insight that you are still treating your son like a child, when he is ready to be treated like an adult. I would suggest that you approach him in a way that acknowledges this as <em>your</em> mistake -- "Son, I realize that I've been treating you like you are still a little kid, and that you are an adult now -- so here are some changes we are going to make" -- and then lay out all the stuff that puts more responsibility on him.</p>

<p>As to chores like dog walking -- obviously they got done while he was away, so go back to "away" mode and don't assume that he is ready to step right back into his old role. Maybe he needs new and different household responsibilities -- but you and he aren't ready to figure out what those are yet. </p>

<p>And look on the bright side: you have listed all the things that he has done wrong and which seem to be unappreciative, but one thing he DID do was to act immediately when you learned of a job opportunity, and he IS working and earning. (My own son spent the entire summer after freshman year asleep on the living room couch -- he was totally disinterested in any of my suggestions for looking for work -- and only made a halfhearted effort to look for jobs on his own.)</p>

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<p>Some great posts on here. I hope I'm not repeating, but here are a few things that came to mind:</p>

<p>Has your husband tried to take the lead on this, asking your S what's going on, then telling him that calling either parent names is not ok, generally stepping up and being the more active parent at this point? Your S had a devastating relationship with a young woman who dumped him in what sounds like a painful and public way. You may be a stand-in for this woman. Yeah, you're his mom, but you're also a female, and when men are hurt they sometimes generalize to blame all women. (sorry to generalize, guys.) Also, your husband and son might share their feelings around your illness in a way your son is not able to do with you.</p>

<p>Your illness must be frightening to him, as I'm sure it is for you. He has been the focus of concern and attention, and the part of him that is still a child may not be ready to suddenly grow up and reverse roles, expressing concern and attention for your new needs. </p>

<p>I'm sorry for what seems like a very painful situation. Maybe you should go on vacation with your husband and without your S. Sounds as if you deserve it. And, being "uninvited" might make your S sit back and realize that he's been more than lousy company. Or, it might even come as a relief that he can head back to his school life sooner. As others have pointed out, this might just not be the summer to all spend together, since the summer after the first year is a difficult readjustment even without all the extentuating circumstances.</p>

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<p>Sage,
I went back and re-read your post, andwhat jumps out at me is that this is a young man with a lot of hurdles to surmount who was placed in a very difficult situation. Not only were the academics extremely tough for him, so were the social aspects, as well as living on his own without the support and assurance you have provided all these years.</p>

<p>I'm wondering if this is the right college setting for him -- that perhaps a school that is more accommodating to his learning needs, and perhaps one to which he can commute (or attend closer to home) might be more workable. It just sounds like the entire package was too much to handle at this point in his life, and it has left him angry, defensive, confused and unsure about where he goes from here.</p>

<p>A neutral third party may be able to help unstring some of the issues. I'm not sure I'd send my kiddo back to school in this scenario until he and I were condifent that there was a plan for success and supports in place. He sounds terribly, terribly vulnerable.</p>

<p>Many hugs to you -- he DOES need you, but in different ways now.</p>

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<p>My sons were very much like Valdiver--we had to get re-acclimated after they had been doing whatever whenever back at school. My husband and I had to learn to respect their new found independence, and they needed to respect the house rules. I don't like playing "Dude where's my car" at 2 am. There was an adjustment period, and that was without the other difficulties you mentioned.</p>

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<p>Sage-</p>

<p>I can hear how painful this situation is and send lots of hugs to you.
It must be very difficult for you to sort out the 'reasons' behind your son's behaviors.
My 20 year old to be senior has no disability issues but plenty of the 'young man trying to grow up' issues. That's why I'm posting at 3 am!
He went out to movies with friends and when I woke I find he's not home yet. Of course, when he's at school, I wouldn't know nor worry.
It's difficult to adjust to the new ever changing dynamics.
So, we will have a discussion tomorrow about house rules (again).</p>

<p>Our D (age 17) has significant cognitive disabilities and we are learning how to help her become more independent from us while keeping our sanity.</p>

<p>You've gotten some good advice here, I think.
Please get some professional help to sort this out. It's too important to hope that your son will be able to navigate it himself.
Best wishes for your family.</p>

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<p>I seriously would worry about the amount of social presure he is under at school. The girlfriend thing - brutal but it happens. The frat thing? A socially shy young adult with slow processing, ADD, and executive function challenges has enough on his plate without the Greek system on top of it. I just hope he is at a school where differences are celebrated (not a rah-rah, cookie cutter place where he might not feel at all comfortable - if that is the case then get him out of there). </p>

<p>I also sometimes think that as far as parenting goes, it isn't a smooth ride all the time. Perhaps with an only child there is extra pressure to keep things as close to perfect as possible, but I think it is extremely normal for him to be pushing you away (and to be processing stress from your illnes, his transition to college, a heartbreak, a social rejection, etc.). </p>

<p>I am not sure if it is fair of you to put an expectation on him that he can't be an ornery pain-in-the-neck for a while. You would give yourself a break if you lowered your expectations and took a long term view. I would also get out of his way. I would just stay away from him when he is being disrespectful because you are under no obligation to engage in those situations. </p>

<p>The frat story...I have never heard of that happening. He must have been humiliated (on top of being cheated on and dumped).</p>

<p>You can do constructive things to set boundaries at your home. I would stop waking him up for one, but be more nonchalant about his stage. I would also make sure he is safe emotionally, psychologically, physically, and socially by encouraging him to figure out what he needs to do to take care of hiimself. Perhaps a counselor can help with that.</p>

<p>This whole thing really does need to be about him. Unfortunately, we never stop being Moms, and we never get the luxury of fixating on our own feelings (and taking things personally). This is what is best for your health as well. It always needs to be about the son or daughter. My belief is that never changes no matter how old they get or how sick we get. We always have to be the mom and worry only about them. He will come around and worry about you, but it will be on his own developmental schedule.</p>

<p>I would think he needs the spending money from his job just to have any semblance of a life at home and at school.</p>

<p>I do have much empathy for you. I am sure you are a great mom. This too shall pass. I am so sorry about your health troubles. You have a lot to deal with.</p>

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<p>When my daughter went off to NY for college last fall, she announced she was never coming back. By October she had decided that she was definitely coming back to the SF bay area for the summer, but that she was going to live in her own apartment rather than at home. I said, "fine, but you pay for it." </p>

<p>Well, it ended up that she IS in her own apartment -- or at least an apartment shared with other young people rather than parents. She worked her tail off during spring semester to raise the money for a rental deposit; she arranged a local internship and then also applied for and got a grant from her college to cover her costs for the summer; she flew home on a Saturday and moved into her apartment the following Tuesday.</p>

<p>I think the most gut-wrenching painful time of all was when I drove my car home after dropping her off at the apartment -- my nest felt a LOT emptier seeing her in her own place a mere 16 miles away from my home, than it ever did when she was living in a dorm on the opposite coast, or even when she was living in the home of strangers on the opposite side of the world during her high school exchange. I think it was the realization that she was not going to be coming back again, and that her idea of "home" would always be some other place.</p>

<p>But I am posting here because this certainly has eliminated the conflict over hours or car use or house rules or expectations that could come up otherwise. Not that we ever had much -- with only two of us in the house, we had long since fallen into a pattern of pretty much moving in our own worlds -- but the point is, the best way a college student can achieve independence is by finding a different place to live over the summer. (Usually, that doesn't make economic sense -- in our case it does, because of various factors related to the cost of commuting to her job.)</p>

<p>I do think that what Sage is describing is mostly the growing pains of trying to forge a different relationship. Obviously the son is not doing a very good job of managing that without hurting his mom's feelings tremendously... but then again, he's 19 and from the initial description, still has a way to go toward developing strong social skills. </p>

<p>Anyway- I was prompted to post this because I smiled when I read the posts about cars and sons still gone at 2 am..... here it is 1:30am for me, my car is safe in the garage, but my daughter is definitely not home and not coming home, but "might" see me on Sunday, "no promises" - because she has competing invitations. Not sure which is the easier thing to deal with emotionally....</p>

<p>T</p>

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<p>calmom-</p>

<p>I was one of the parents wondering about son and car still not back home at 3 am......a mere few hours ago here in NJ.
I did manage to catch a bit more (worried) sleep and now up and off to work....those hospitals are always open, even at 6am on a Sat morn.</p>

<p>BUT, son will be here when I return (maybe still asleep!) at 2pm.
I'd probably miss him more if he were those 16 miles away in his own apt.
Sigh...</p>

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<p>what are reasonable rules for these kids when they come home? I feel like when my D is home, I am responsible for her safety but when she is away at college, I can ignore it.....the truth is that there is always a worry in the back of my mind....i hope she is ok, i hope that she is responsible and i hope that God or someone is watching over her.</p>

<p>I am too old to stay up until 2 a.m. but i did ask that she come and let me know that she is home.....make sure the house is totally locked up and no one else inside with out me knowing. </p>

<p>I really think that we should be able to have normal hours of sleep in a house and not college sleep hours.....we have to work and live here....</p>

<p>I don't mind doing laundry as a perk of having her home....cleaning up a little after her but....i do'nt want my house trashed like the dorm room was.</p>

<p>What rules do you all think are reasonable for students home for the summer???</p>

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<p>I don't think he hates you at all. I do think that he is very depressed and hates himself. This is very symptomatic of learning disabled kids. He MUST get to counseling. </p>

<p>I tend to agree with a prior posts that the kid needs some tough love. You need to strongly suggest therapy and offer to provide it. If he reject it, let him fail. </p>

<p>You may have to give him space. Family counseling might be the best course of action. </p>

<p>Read over the prior posts who suggest "tough love." I think that they are on the right track.</p>

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<p>I've only now begun to read and think about your many wonderful posts. I hope you'll all bear with me as I sort through them and comment.</p>

<p>To Treetopleaf - Thank you for your words of encouragement. Our DS has been in counseling with a highly regarded LCSW for about 1.5 years, two other LCSWs (a team) for about one year prior to that, and a Ph.D. for about two+ years prior to that. The most current worker didn't think depression was an issue, although now at my suggestion she is considering "situational depression". I can get a rapid referral through her, which I intend to pursue...although DS might not go along with it.</p>

<p>Mombot - Your post made me smile...yes I am "too" nice. My cultural background feeds that, I'm sure. Yes, our fears about the impact of his disabilities and the fact that it was always so difficult to decide whether his deficits were disability-based or laziness-based really took way too long to figure out. Hubs and I are in the process of disengaging. Current counselor wanted us to be very hands on this year, because DS was having so much anxiety over going to college, that the counselor didn't want us to go from a very supportive role to no role at all during the transitional year. When I look at all the things we do for him that he really should be doing for himself, my husband and I have a great deal of difficulty determining whether he is a manipulator or whether he has such severe deficits that he perpetually looks like a deer in the headlights. Thanks for your insight...all valuable...all true. Sometimes it is just that difficult to determine what is disability and what is manipulation.</p>

<p><strong>More comments to follow soon</strong></p>

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<p>
[quote]
What rules do you all think are reasonable for students home for the summer???

[/quote]
They do their own laundry and cleanup after themselves! If out late, call or text message. The rest is common courtesy among adults - treat each other like you would like to be treated.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
What rules do you all think are reasonable for students home for the summer???

[/quote]
</p>

<p>The same rules as before they went to college, except no curfew. Still expected to clean, do laundry, pitch in and help, be a part of the family and not a guest. I always let H and kids know when I am stepping out, even if it is to go get milk, so hey, just be courteous....</p>

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<p>More comments on your posts....</p>

<p>To Wasoncemellowmom - Yes, disabilities make it more difficult to find "the reality" of the situation. My husband and I always seem to feel that our positions on and responses to the issues are off-the-mark...too lenient or too harsh. While this kiddo can be very harsh, I sense so much sorrow, tenderness, and vulnerability in him. Truly, deep inside, he is a wonderful young man, who will make a terrific husband and father...though I imagine that there are those of you who at this point must be wondering what I'm smoking to say this. But, believe me, it's really true.</p>

<p>We have begun to withhold privileges to take some of the wind out of his sails, but oddly (perhaps because of his ADD, etc.) his reactions always have seemed dulled and blunted...so you never know what effect if any these measures are having. Run of the mill stuff just doesn't work with this kid. I remember one of my acquaintances saying that I would just have to have a sit down talk with our son about the problems we'd been encountering...nah, ya think??!! Stuff like that does NOT work at all, ever. In all the years we've had him, I recall at most two, no longer than 30 second real talks I've ever been able to enjoy with him. He's just that kind of kid. To me, quite sad...because good communication is very important.</p>

<p>GAdad - Interesting take on the problem and how we should handle it. We've always been quite fearful of drowning him in life, when in reality by protecting him and only very gradually exposing him to challenges we really did to some degree or other prevent him from developing the coping mechanisms. Very good point. Now, the question we would face is how to challenge more without drowning him. Related to this issue is the issue of accountability. We've always been more lenient with him out of real pity for his situation. I'm sure this hasn't helped realize that his future and the consequences of his behavior are in his hands. Your comment and this issue go hand-in-hand, and I promise we will address both together ASAP. Thanks!</p>

<p><strong>More comments on posts soon</strong></p>

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<p>
[quote]
What rules do you all think are reasonable for students home for the summer???

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Once the kid's lived away from home, we abandon the idea of rules and privileges, and have the start-of-the-summer talk about consideration. This involves a recognition they've lived on their own, but that this is our house and so we want to be clear about what we can live with under our own roof. We developed two basic policies for our kids: </p>

<p>If I'm making dinner for the family, I will tell you what I'm making and what time it will be ready. You tell me whether or not you expect to be home for dinner. If plans change, that's ok. It's not ok to not let me know if plans change, because that's basic consideration between adults.</p>

<p>I don't need to know where you're going or what time you're coming back, but I will ask whether you expect to be sleeping at home that night. If so, I will leave a light on in the hall for you to turn off when you come in. That way, if I wake up at 4 am, I don't have to get out of bed to check if you made it back. If your plans change and you are not coming home, leave a message on our answering machine saying where you are. If we come down in the morning, and you are not there, and there is no message, we will call the police. You may be an adult, but we're still Mom and Dad. :)</p>

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<p>Sage, my son is dyslexic and probably also ADD, though not formally diagnosed -- but he definitely had those sorts of behaviors and it probably is part of the reason that he had some issues in college that led to his taking a 3-year hiatus and transferring. I think it is very easy to fall into a trap of attributing everything to the "disability" and continuing to accommodate the kid, and it is difficult when the the kid has an uncommunicative style. </p>

<p>However, I think to work from the assumption that the kid is <em>normal</em> - with a readiness to provide support if the kid runs into trouble -- than to assume that the kid always needs support. I hope this makes some sense: when my son told me he was not returning to college, he spent a lot of time horizontal on the living room couch. It was summer, and I told him that as of Sept. 1 (when his college resumed), he was not welcome to stay in the house unless he was either in school or employed. (Obviously he wasn't going to be living anywhere else unemployed either, but I let him figure that part out).</p>

<p>Anyway, he got a full time job, continued to live at home for a few more months, then moved out in November. He worked for a few years, now is back in school. He and I get along great! -- We talk regularly on the phone, and when he spends time at home he is much more polite and accommodating than when he was younger. </p>

<p>I think that if your son is able to hold down a full time job he is capable of far more than you may think. So my suggestion is that you treat your son as <em>your son</em> and not as <em>your ADHD son</em>. Yes, be sensitive if he has a problem -- but don't let ADHD color all your perceptions and dealings.</p>

<p>One more question: does your son take medication for his ADHD? Stimulant medications can cause people to feel irritable and out of sorts, especially as the meds wear off -- if your son is taking his meds before he goes to work and then tapering off when he is home, you may be dealing with the affects of the meds.</p>

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<p>My older son is 21 and he has been diagnosed with ADD, depression, anxiety, Bipolar II. All of these diagnoses have been made in the past three years. He takes daily medication and is under the care of a psychiatrist. He has had extensive counseling in the past but at the moment is not seeing anyone for talk therapy because he has just moved about 150 miles away to live with friends. (Hopefully he will find a new therapist nearby). </p>

<p>He and his Dad do not communicate due to a couple bad verbal arguments that happened a couple years ago before my son was put on mood stabilizers. My son has since tried a couple times to reconnect with his Dad but it has not really worked out (My husband suffers from untreated depression too and has been unwilling to forgive our son). Bottom line, I have had to be practically a single parent to my son as we have struggled through terrible times while trying to come to grips with a firm diagnosis and good therapy approaches. Anyone who knows me and about our situation will tell you I have done everything I could possibly do to help this kid. I have connected him with psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers/therapists etc. I have arranged extensive testing to be done for him. I have gone through periods of enabling him (putting his meds out for him every day, reminding him of appointments, letting him have a car even though he made no real attempt to get a job etc.) When your child is that depressed you want to do anything to help alleviate it. Putting my foot down usually resulted in a rage reaction or worse, talk of suicide. I did have the police come and paper my son into the hospital one time when he lost his temper and went around the house trashing things. You name it, we went through it. I also was dealing with pressure from my husband who wanted me to put our son put out of the house even though he was clearly mentally ill and had nowhere to go. This I could not do. During all of this my son would very often treat me with rudeness and defiance. He never seemed to appreciate all that I had done for him or the toll it was taking on me emotionally. But then he would have periods of great remorse. He would tell his therapist (and later me) that he loved me more than anyone on earth and yet he treated me worse than anyone else. And he hated himself for that. Actually, what it came down to was that he hated himself, full stop. Very often, depressed/bipolar people really have a sense of self loathing and feel they will never succeed at anything and are worthless. My son has often said that this is how he feels about himself. </p>

<p>Finally, after two years at home and with lots of therapy and being more stable on his meds, my son went back to college. It was not an academic success per se but he learned a lot about managing himself and his illness. He is more independent now and it was his idea to go live with friends this past month. He is working temporary jobs for now but looking for a permanent one. He feels college is not the right place for him right now. He wants to feel that he can handle things on his own and wants to figure out what he wants to do with his life. I have missed him and worried about him plenty this past year but I have finally been able to step away from the situation a bit and start to detach from it in a good way.(I see a great therapist myself!) I am always available for advice if my son wants it. He knows I love him. He knows his relationship with his father is complicated by mental illness on each of their sides. He lives with five good friends (all guys) ages 19-22 and they all know his emotional history and accept him as he is. My son does not want to let his friends down so he is working hard to get steady work so he can pay his share of expenses. </p>

<p>I have a younger son who heads off to college in August and then my husband and I will have an empty nest. (At least for now!) I know I will still harbor great worry and stress over my older son. And I know I will miss my younger son dearly. But in a sense I had to try to get my life back because living with a child with these sorts of emotional issues is all consuming. (And remember my dear husband is not always easy to be around as he goes through his depressive cycles. Sometimes I think depression rubs off on me!)</p>

<p>My advice to you is to do all you can to get your son to accept the proper professional help. (There are many things you said about your son that remind me of what has been going on with my older son.) And get good help for yourself. I think there are support groups out there for people who have to deal with emotional illness of a loved one. Remember that your son knows who loves him best and he loves you back even when he is acting extremely unloveable. He probably is very vulnerable and only feels comfortable unburdening on you. But there are boundaries to be set and realistic expectations to have and that's where a professional can step in to help you sort that out. Not easy to do, it has taken 3 years for me and I know I still have a long road ahead. But I wish you all the best. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Jdasmom,
I think you have been very generous to post your specific situation's details. I have to admit that I read something in Sage's post that is similiar to what you are saying about your son. This:</p>

<p>"He would tell his therapist (and later me) that he loved me more than anyone on earth and yet he treated me worse than anyone else. And he hated himself for that. Actually, what it came down to was that he hated himself, full stop. Very often, depressed/bipolar people really have a sense of self loathing and feel they will never succeed at anything and are worthless. My son has often said that this is how he feels about himself."</p>

<p>I just have this sense that Sage's son is exhausted trying to be "normal" and extremely frustrated by his lot in life. It has to seem like it comes sooo easily to others. Even his own mom has a disability and yet she can function. I did have the sense that they have professionals involved and this thread was more about how to handle the sadness Sage feels over the disconnection btwn her and her son. You are speaking to her from experience ... as have several other posters. I have a brother who has exhausted his trust with me.... I will always love him, but I cannot let him drain my resources because my own children need me. If my brother was my son....well, I just can't imagine the unending angst. To me, it seems like you have to be on a high state of alert....all the time.....and I can only guess at what has to give to allocate your own personal resources to be at the ready when your child needs help. My heart goes out to everyone who has this sadness. I remember my own mom wishing for peace of mind....</p>