Need Sincere Advice for Post-FR Year Meltdown

Parents Forum
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<p>Sorry for the long lag in response time; my symptoms have been difficult to cope with lately.</p>

<p>To Marite - Thank you for your post. DS and family have pretty much been in counseling it seems like since the beginning of time. We have home-based counseling up to 3-5 hours per week. Counselor maintains no depression present; I'm not so sure. To me, DS seems just overwhelmed by life. He loves his new job (hope the employer feels the same way about him) and is very proud of himself. He emphasizes that the people are really nice and that he feels appreciated. To me, that confirms that feeling good about himself living life successfully is a big issue for him. As I'll discuss later on, I think he spends an enormous amount of energy acting at being normal...and does absolutely believe that life comes a lot easier to his peers than to him...pity. I think that he also feels stigmatized to a degree because the way he lives his life is different. One thing he could control better but deliberately chooses not to is his procrastination and laziness. It makes it a lot more difficult to appear normal if he doesn't put in the extra time he needs on virtually everything. And, I've found that young people and his ex-fraternity are so unforgiving of differences (to the point of violating federal law). </p>

<p>As to rules at home, I've withheld some privileges and have begun talks with him about behavior (but I don't hold out much hope...he's either at work, in his "cave", or asleep).</p>

<p>I think that inside he's in a lot of pain because he is certainly smart enough to see that his life isn't playing out like many of his peers.</p>

<p>Thanks, again.</p>

<p>To Violadad - Thanks for your words; they are sensible. Definitely know that it's not a substance abuse problem. Yay. As to meds, he says he wants to take them, but never does...that issue at home, of course, was easier...but that's not the real world in which you must depend on yourself. As to applying consequences...always a problem, because I'm told that his maladies and his personality really blunt the force of any consequences. That was apparent very early on with him. His interface, at least with mom and dad, and I'm sure beyond that, is very muted. Consistency is difficult because you can't reach him with speech ever. I always had to laugh when my acquaintances quite naively told me to just sit him down and talk with him...as if I hadn't done that...duh. Just didn't/doesn't work. But, will keep trying. Reasoning just doesn't work with him. I've always wondered what the problem was...none of the many evals we had done on him or the counselors that have worked with him/us ever seemed to put a finger on it. Quite frustrating and depressing.</p>

<p>*<em>More later...my meds are making me tired and spacey...appreciate your patience with me. :O) *</em></p>

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<p>Sage, please don't feel that you have to respond to each poster who has given you advice here. That is very sweet of you, but maybe too emotionally draining for you? Save your energy.</p>

<p>Please focus on your health and your family and keep us posted on the situation.</p>

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<p>Sage, my heart goes out to you and your family.</p>

<p>Is there any possibility you S is using/abusing drugs or alcohol? If he is on medication for his ADD - taking even small amounts of other drugs can cause significant personality and behavioral changes.</p>

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<p>If he is able to get through a semester at college, and hold down a job with decent working relationships, there is so much to be happy about! These are great accomplishments. On a site like this one it is so easy to feel overwhelmed by so many seemingly perfect kids. To get through college, to hold down a job, to have had a girlfirend even for a short while - these are achievements that elude many people. Perhaps some peers are doing better than him, but many are doing worse. There is much to celebrate, and much to be hopeful about. He will figure out a way, perhaps with help, to have positive family relationships and to process the ups and down of life. :-)</p>

<p>Here is a thopught that is a controversial thing to add (please believe that I do have tremendous empathy for you and do not in any way discount your particular struggle). I know a woman who suddenly lost her only teenage son to an accident. This beautiful boy...it happened years ago, and while I don't know them very well, it is still a haunting memory. I simply cannot wrap my head around how she handled her pain, how she continued on with life without her son. Whenever life feels especially impossible, whenever my children are putting me at wits end, I try to remember that they are still here, thank God. There are still options, there are still chances. While they are alive, while there are still options, a parent's blessings are countless! I hope that helps.</p>