Need some comfort as I help my son through this.....

Parents Forum
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<p>cbrooks, it is so good that you are seeing a therapist. And posting here. It will help you vent your frustrations/anxieties/guilt/anger away from your son. Those emotions can only cause more stress to him, and to you. </p>

<p>I also agree with twoboysima that my first reaction when reading your OP was that you were very fortunate. There are so many stories we’ve all seen about now adult college-age children floundering, whether because of drugs/alcohol/depressions/LDs, and parents are powerless to help because they are adults and may resist / not see the need for help.</p>

<p>You are very fortunate that your son is doing so well, accepting and benefiting from therapy, holding down a job he enjoys and where they appreciate him. He sounds like a terrific son and you a great mom. I’m sure you’ll both come through this just fine, although it may now be hard to imagine the outcome.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>I have a friend who had a very similar situation. She realized that her son would be an immature sponge if he stayed at home while dealing with his issues. </p>

<p>So, she did a Modified Boot. She contacted relative in another state. Could son rent a room at her house? Yes. So Mother delivered son to the distant state and paid one month’s rent. Up to son to deal from there. </p>

<p>It has worked out well. Son got a job and is making enough to cover rent and his share of groceries. He is getting to experience another city. He is learning to navigate the real world. He will probably go back to college at some point. </p>

<p>Most young men don’t want to be seen as useless – but it is so very easy to fall into lazy “I’m on vacation” patterns if they return to their childhood home. Then, on top of the relaxation patterns, you get a load of “attitude” as the young man is defiant to cover his own agony. </p>

<p>I think my friend was very pragmatic – and loving. She didn’t let her son slide into inaction on the growing up path. It wasn’t the path that she had visualized (she had saved for years for his college) – but it was a path that sure beat hanging around at home making everyone miserable daily.</p>

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<p>To the OP: Please try to look at the positives in this situation. Your son has a full time job that he enjoys! That is absolutely wonderful.</p>

<p>I also have a son, who at age 20, stopped attending college and decided on the last day of registration for classes at the local public U. to turn around, go back to the place where he had worked for the last month of summer, and ask for his job back … full time.</p>

<p>It was the absolute best decision he could ever have made.</p>

<p>He loved his job, was promoted to the lever where he was managing dozens of others… had a whole slew of interesting assignments with increasing levels of responsibility. Three years later he finally went back to school, did extremely well academically, and his work experience was probably a factor that got him an extremely prestigious and fully funded internship his summer year. When he graduated 2 years ago he found work immediately, again doing stuff he loves.</p>

<p>But I have a hard time identifying with your post. I understand why you would be distressed over the psychological problems (depression) and drug use … who wouldn’t be… but I don’t understand why you would be upset about his working rather than going to school. He has told you he plans to go back to college later… so what’s the problem? </p>

<p>I think the thing that irked me the most during my son’s 3 year hiatus while he was working and not yet back in school was well-meaning relatives who kept telling me that I had to “make” my son go back to school, and intimated that his life would be ruined if he didn’t have his degree at age 22. </p>

<p>Well it wasn’t. What I ended up with was a far more mature and happy young man, with a clear idea of what he wanted to do in life. While he was working, many of his former classmates graduated on schedule with no clue at all what their next step would be. </p>

<p>Please try to sort out the bad stuff from the good, and don’t grieve the good. I don’t know your son, but depression can certainly be brought on or aggravated by a bad situation, and there are a lot of kids who are unhappy at college because they never really wanted to be there in the first place – or they found a very different environment and experience at college than they had expected.</p>

<p>Please support your son now. I do think – or at least hope – that my own son was helped by the knowledge that all the time when he was out of school and working, his mom was bursting with pride over ever little promotion or accomplishment at his job. And I never lost faith that he would return to college when he was ready. But I wouldn’t have wanted him back in college before that point – I don’t really see the value of a degree in X. when the person decides later on that they want to do Y, and I figured that whenever my son did return to college he would have a more mature outlook and a much better idea of what he wanted to study and why.</p>

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<p>^ great attitude and excellent post.</p>

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<p>Calmom, great post. My youngest is not going to college with her peers this year, and I love the glowing look on her face when she comes back from her restaurant job after feeling competent in handling the labor Day crowd. She’s fooling around with her art a little, seeing friends, figuring out who she is. She’s certainly confused and troubled, but her hard work and courage inspire me every day. OP, your son sounds very similar.</p>

<p>A couple of comments: I am surprised that your son’s therapist talks with you, especially that frequently. Isn’t your son over 18? Did he sign a release for this? Your son may like this, but it means you are doing some of the therapy work for him, and also that the therapist does not belong to him, so to speak. I think a person that age needs someone all to himself, who is safe in that regard. It may bring you comfort and give you more of a feeling of control, and, again, your son may be okay with it, but I would honestly question any therapist who communicates with the parent so frequently.</p>

<p>This especially when you have a therapist (good idea for parents) and family sessions.</p>

<p>I do also want to caution you about meds. One of our kids tried an antidepressant, and it may have helped her actually get to college. But there were some side effects, and it is very important for you to know that it can be difficult to get off: some SSRI’s have withdrawals that are not comfortable. If he does eventually need to go off meds, please know that the typical MD suggestion to “cut in half, then go off” can cause a lot of problems for some (not all). If you son is one of the sensitive people, he needs to go up and down in very small increments. Our daughter took a mere 10% of the usual starting dose, and took a couple of months to get off.</p>

<p>Investigating ADD is a great suggestion, if that fits the situation in your eyes or your son’s.</p>

<p>Good luck! And remember, the ideal college experience is like a Hallmark holiday: it really doesn’t exist for most, but the image serves to place unrealistic expectations on everyone and really only causes a lot of trouble! Your son’s apparently unusual path puts him in the majority, actually!</p>

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<p>I’m no expert, but we had our own Welcome to Holland experience when our child was diagnosed with Asperger’s. You mention feeling like all the other mothers are doing things a certain way and it’s awkward to be different or to have to explain. You might want to consider whether your relations with the other mom friends are more supportive or toxic for you at this point in your life. If you find yourself spending time with people who brag about their kids (or praise God because they’re so lucky to have such a perfect life) and at the end of the evening mostly what you feel is drained and sore and miserable, then you need to take care of yourself first. When we were forced to reevaluate life plans with our child, there were some mom friends who just didn’t make the cut. There were others that I was able to deal with a few months down the line when I had worked through my stuff – but you might want to reevaluate those friendships that are making your current job harder, not easier.</p>

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<p>Agree we alot of posts and I am seconding guessing our decision to send DD to her chosen college.She went on orientation over the summer and cried everyday.Developed anxiety attacks over the summer we went for counseling and they put her on meds.Any talk of college she would shut down I was ready to but plan B into action (Local 4 year college as a commuter for this year to late for housing)professional said she had to try it and meds for a couple of months will help,not feeling good about this but will try last session counseler at last section says she will need meds for the whole year to get thru it What the heck! She is there and not happy all she says she is not ready to move away yet.I am walking a fine line terrified that depression will set in etc.Is it all worth it?D felt she needed to go so no regrets on her end but at what price.Now I have to guess when she tells me she 's not ready how much is normal and what is truely what she feels and when to throw in the towel and say come home and work from there.Rather do this before and if depression becomes a problem but how am I suppose to judge this.</p>

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<p>I am so happy that limabeans posted the Holland story!
I reread it every now and again to get myself back on track.</p>

<p>We have a DS, ‘typical’ developmentally and advanced academically, in grad school.
Then we have our younger, DD, who we knew was atypical from age one. Walked late, talked late (although she doesn’t stop talking now!), moderate cognitive impairments, ADD, a bunch of challenges that will last her lifetime.
She’s 21 now, graduated from a special needs high school. She takes the bus to her job 4 days/week in a sheltered workshop, has several good friends and an active social life. She’s a phenomenal dancer and loves community theatre (she has a ticket to Hairspray next week). She hopes to find a spot in a supervised group home in the future, so she will be surrounded by peers instead of boring old mom and dad. She plans to find a job in childcare or retail down the line.</p>

<p>We had 20 years to adjust OUR plans for her and to accept her for who she is. And yes, I still do occasionally mourn that other DD that I don’t have. But this one that I do have is delightful (and challenging) and funny and quirky and cool.</p>

<p>You have a new situation with your son that will take some time to assimilate.
I agree that he is VERY lucky to have him in his corner. With your help, he will find his way. Maybe he’ll eventually end up at his original goal of college, maybe not. He has many choices and seems to be heading in a positive direction. Best of luck.</p>

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<p>cbrooks - your post is an indication of how much our society has changed. At one point in time the young 20 something man who got a full time job working with 30-40 year olds was considered an up and comer - someone who was pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. Very often the young man was mentored by someone in the firm who saw to it that he stayed on the right career path.</p>

<p>Today it is considered out of the ordinary with university considered the best step to take rather than a full time job. In your son’s case I think you have to wait until he is ready for academic life - but remember, it might not be the right path for him. Best to you and your family.</p>

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<p>Mablab, your unfortunate situation makes me thank my lucky stars that my son did not elect to go away to college as we had originally planned. I believe he wanted to remain close to his support system (good parents, doctors, friends, family) in the event that he had a relapse of a depressive episode that happened his junior year in HS. It was pretty bad. Since then he’s been on meds and checks in with the doctor as needed. He is quite happy with his college choice even though 90% of his friends left for faraway destinations. </p>

<p>For awhile when we were thinking he would be one of them I was trying to convince myself that I was happy for him because I never got the opportunity. In all honesty,a big part of me worried about what would happen if a relapse happened. In the end we left it up to him and because he had a solid “plan B” option as a backup he felt no remorse about not choosing to go away. I fully expect he’ll go when he’s good and ready and that will be on his time line, not mine. </p>

<p>Meds can be scary but when you find the right one and if one truly needs them then they can make a huge difference. Do some research and read what options are out there. For whatever reason, the shrinks all like to prescribe SSRIs as a first line of treatment. They don’t work for everyone. They didn’t for me or my son.</p>

<p>Best to you and your daughter. I hope everything works out ok. The fact that she’s talking to you about it is huge.</p>

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<p>When my mom was on her death bed, she told me that she had wonderful kids … “They weren’t always what I had hoped they would be, but they were who they were SUPPOSED to be.” Don’t wait until you are dying to embrace the fact that your son isn’t what you hoped he’d be. Know that who he is … is exactly who he should be. He is a work in progress, and it sounds like the work is good.</p>

<p>For what it’s worth, I do understand the sadness you feel. I think that’s pretty normal. It’s good that you are getting help for yourself to cope.</p>

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<p>This thread has brought up a lot of memories for me, of small things about S1 that were not what I wanted/expected, that I had to come to terms with. For example, on his first day of kindergarden, we walked to school with several neighbor families with children in the same school. Some of them were also starting kindergarden. I’d had beautiful visions of all of us happily walking to school together, taking photos of my son in his new classroom, etc. He had been to two years of Montessori preschool, and I did not think he would have a hard time with this transition. I was wrong. He melted down several times on the way to school, and by the time he got to the classroom he was sobbing and saying that he wouldn’t stay. The teacher, who was wonderful, and who would normally have helped, was overwhelmed dealing with 3 new children who’d showed up at school without having registered, one of whom did not speak English. So I had to leave my son in this state. As I left the school, I was crying, too. After a couple more years of “first day of school” photos featuring S1 frowning, with his arms crossed, he and I agreed that we would do “second day of school” photos instead. </p>

<p>S2 has always entered every new situation eagerly, without a backward glance.</p>

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<p>I don’t know. It might be easier if Asperger’s just meant Holland. But it might still be Italy…or maybe the Italian part of Switzerland. My Aspie will be 20 years old in a few months and I still don’t know what country in which we’re going to land.</p>

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<p>Real tough one. So sorry for everyone involved. </p>

<p>I only have a couple suggestions. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>Don’t beat yourself up. The best of shepherds can’t protect all of his lambs in all situations. </p></li>
<li><p>Continue with realistic level setting. What can your son accomplish this year in his current situation? Seeing him accomplish that is a positive to build on. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

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<p>Your son might benefit from a college like Johnson and Wales. An acquaintance whose son started his own business in high school attended this college. See their website at:</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.jwu.edu/services.aspx?id=18400#fbid=QvduaOrhQ3v[/url]”>http://www.jwu.edu/services.aspx?id=18400#fbid=QvduaOrhQ3v&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Our pioneering education model combines academics with hands-on learning, career development and social responsibility. Here, you’ll learn by doing, not watching, building real-world work experience and leadership skills through all facets of your education.</p>

<p>It is a career oriented program.</p>

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<p>Boy, this is such a great website…I cannot tell you how uplifting all the stories are and to know I am not alone makes me feel so much more comforted. Thank you.</p>

<p>A few comments- re the therapist situation, the therapist who we are using for my son has a very hands on approach, this is how she operates and she made it clear from the start, of course she also prefaced this by saying every case is individual and that she feels my son needs a lot of involvement right now. He is totally open to it and she was calling every day/every other day when things were pretty bad, lately she is just checking in every few days and please understand she is not calling to “tattle” on my son, in fact often to praise him for this or that and to be sure I understand the significance of what he may have done, and to be sure I am letting him know I am proud and supporting him. In other words, she is reteaching me ways to deal with my son because for a few years, we had a very tumultuous relationship and she feels we need to reevaluate the way we communicate. In the short time that we have been doing this, I am already seeing results. So while I appreciate and respect your opinion, this situation (which my son is very on board with and if it wasn’t, it would end immediately) is proving to be very effective for us both.</p>

<p>To the mom who doesn’t understand how or why I am upset/disappointed in this decision…in the most honest way I can say it…I always dreamt of him to have the quintessential college experience, I know he has the brains and is so likable as a person, he was one kid who I thought would flourish. I was devastated when I saw that he did not fit into my “ideal” and is not ready for this now. Yes, maybe because he comes from a family where higher education has a very high value (wrong or right) or because my husband has worked particularly hard since they were young to be sure they got the best education possible and because the next logical step, to us, was college. So in him not following that traditional path, it was very sad for me to see. I am slowly getting into a different head, one where I am recognizing its not a good idea for him now, that he is not ready, pure and simple. I am also applauding and supporting him for what he IS doing right now,holding down a job and making efforts every day to restore the trust that was lost. He is one person and can only do so much at a time and I am feeling proud of him for what he is achieving.</p>

<p>Slowly I am peeling away the layers of shame, guilt, disappointment. And to someone who spoke about toxic relationships and having to feel intimidated by “friends” who look down on what he is doing, you are right it is best those people stay out of our life right now. Fortunatley, they are far and few between and if truth be told, I have been my harshest critic.So we take it one day a time, and I am pretty content with how things are going. Thanks for opening up to me about your experiences…it really was uplifting.</p>

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<p>cbrooks, i was happy to read your update. sounds like you’re getting to a good place. hope the ride is smoother. another cyberhug. and a congratulatory note too. on your son who is doing all he can to be well and productive and honest with you and himself. all the rest will follow. with or without the quintessential college experience (which is far more illusory than we think). and to you too for the healthy, supportive relation you’re building with your son, one that will no doubt survive trips to holland, italy, or wherever life takes you.</p>

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<p>“When my mom was on her death bed, she told me that she had wonderful kids … “They weren’t always what I had hoped they would be, but they were who they were SUPPOSED to be.””- Kelsmom- what a wonderful legacy your mother left you.</p>