<p>Chopper-- I think you've been generous with the alternatives. We were not-- told our son (who was a notorious slacker and procrastinator in HS) "if you decide you can't handle the work, don't want to be there, or that your social life is more important than academics that's great. No harm, no foul, no pressure from us. Just an fyi-- your alternative is to move back home and get a a job or enlist in the Air Force, join the Peace Corps, or find something else which gives you a roof over your head. We love you and will always give you emotional support, but we have financial resources for four years of college (and only four years... not four years and a remedial summer, not four years and an extra year since you blew off Freshman year, not two years in one school and then three somewhere else since your D's and F's didn't get you transfer credit.) </p>
<p>That seems to have done the trick. He lives in a great college town (Cambridge MA) which is filled w/kids who have dropped out or been excused from various colleges, who manage to get mom and dad to provide rent for an apartment while they "figure things out". these kids have all the advantages of college and the built-in social life, with none of the studying or academic pressure... they find a job which buys food and beer, and with mom and dad paying rent, they've got a pretty good life with no incentive to get their acts together.</p>
<p>So-- I'd lay off trying to micromanage his academic life. Let him know that if he's ready to move home and fold sweaters at the Gap you're happy to have him. If not, he needs to get himself to the counseling center quickly and come up with a plan to keep his scholarship and get credit for the semester.</p>
<p>Yes, I agree, my son's problem is probably not placement. He has scored in the top 2 percentile nationwide his whole life. He is very capable, but not highly motivated or disciplined which is so strange because we model both of those characteristics to him at home.</p>
<p>As far as the school, there are only a couple of other kids from his high school here (it is a very selective college). I know one boy is doing OK academically. He is about 5 hours from home and he is our first to go off to college with two more younger siblings.</p>
<p>Yes, I would take him back in at home. It would kill me not to but I would expect him to reenroll somewhere else after maybe a semester break to get his act together. I suppose he would have to disclose his failure semester to a new school? </p>
<p>Maybe contacting his advisor is a good idea.</p>
<p>Lives in Cambridge but still in school? I am well aware that many parents buy the apartment for they find that a lesser penalty than having their young adult back at the homestead....with the social life and attitude. Families handle these circumstances differently.</p>
<p>Chopper.......you need to contact someone higher than the advisor also. The advisor has to deal w/ your kid not you.........administrative folks deal w/ the paying parent. You need customer service not the technical guy. Customer service will arrange for the technician, think of it like that.</p>
<p>The Provost or President's Offices have administrative assistants whose job it is to field calls of this type and get you to the proper helping person. Selective schools anticipate and expect calls regarding problems and you can rely on their interest in getting you to the right office of help. If your son is URM or other special interest they will also have resources for you that address particular issues of adjustment. Don't be so fearful now when your actions could result in a positive outcome.......your son is failing not YOU. Standing idly by and being afraid is not a helpful posture. Your personal disappointment and concern are evident to us and will also be evident to the college. I think you should take some comfort that your son has shared this w/ you and that he didn't withold until the news came in the mail....that alone is to me a reason to step up and get a plan.</p>
<p>What kills me is that he is truly a wonderful kid. You'd be hard pressed to find an 18 year old with a sweeter soul. People love him. I think that's what makes this even harder. He's smart and a sweetheart, but he is adamant that we let him "be" to resolve his grades, but I greatly fear that he underestimates what that will take and he's just not going to be able to do it. Maybe a prompt by a school administer would be the fire in his pants that he needs.</p>
<p>My other fear is that he will know if I contact the school. . .I've agreed to stop pestering him about the situation, so it would seem to him as if I am not leaving him alone at all. He just doesn't want to even discuss things anymore because he's afraid of another lecture. I'm guilty of giving him an earful of them lately.</p>
<p>This issue is about your own philosophy and priorities. What does your son accomplish by failing on his own merit? What payoff do you get from intervening? You want to save him and do damage control. If the money you are paying in tuition is more painful than cleaning up the mess later then move now. If making your son happy.......not rocking his boat is important then step away and expect bad news. I don't think one is worse than the other really. Many a student doesn't make it in college......some carry on for years w/ family financial support. I guess I see this as a financial decision. You are paying, therefore you decide. It is unlikely and unreasonable to think that your son can borrow the funds alone to an expensive school. Perhaps he has a college fund in his name or a trust account but you have not mentioned any concern regarding that. Scholarship must not be from an IVY or the need would have to have been demonstrated......</p>
<p>Give up the fantasy that "other" motivations will solve this. Internals are what is needed and so far that isn't in this picture. I know you wish it were different; self change comes from internal motivation and action.</p>
<p>Yes, self motivation is what is needed here. I wish I could give it to him. It is so hard to understand how he can have such a strong desire to stay at the school yet not demonstrate the effort needed to do just that!</p>
<p>No, he's not attending an IVY, but it is a Tier 1 school. We did not apply for financial aid because we doubted that we could demonstrate enough need. His scholarship was strictly Merit based. He does have a college trust fund but it would only take him through about 3 semesters. </p>
<p>I couldn't find a listing for a Provost or similar office. There is a parents hotline number though.</p>
<p>Start there.......this must be a somewhat smaller school. This office will feed you to the appropriate place. Are you prepared to make the journey and perhaps not see you son on the visit? I'd try to schedule a meeting.</p>
<p>Chopper, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your son doing an engineering program? I have heard that at many engineering schools, the first semester is made particularly difficult. So, it could be that if your son can survive the first semester, he will find the going a little easier. Some have speculated here, though, that the first semester at many engineering programs is set up as sort of a filter system to weed out students who aren't fully committed to engineering. Maybe your son just doesn't like engineering?!? If that's the case, switching to a different major next semester might be a possibility for him to pursue now.</p>
<p>Yes, Carolyn he is in engineering but he says he loves it and is convinced it is the right major for him. He actually has one engineering course and had a high "A" in the course until he didn't follow through on a major assignment. He was put in accelerated second year calculus and that class is eating his lunch. Speaking of lunch. . . I have to run to lunch plans. I GENUINELY appreciate everyone's help this morning and will check back with the thread this afternoon. Thanks!</p>
<p>chopper, this sounds like very aberrant behavior for your usually independent high functioning son. Have you been to the college (surprise visit?) to assess him in this situation yourself? Is it possible? Often what is communicated by a child to his parent over the telephone is not as close to reality as the parent thinks that it is. When this happens, it is important to rule out physical or psychological illness or, heaven forbid, drug use in a child who has never used before. I don't wish to alarm you unnecessarily, but before taking drastic measures you might want to make an unscheduled, unexpected visit and look at things with your own eyes.And take him in to the doctor for a physical exam if he has not had one recently.</p>
<p>I would suggest he see a mental health professional - to assess whether he has learning difficulties that never surfaced until now, or is having a problem with motivation, confidence, etc. At some point schools do force your hand by dismissing a student who's performing badly. If that happens, you need to think about what you'll require of him if he returns - must enroll in classes, work 'x' hours per week, whatever. The issue of insurance coverage (mentioned by another poster) varies - you need to check your policy. Some cover dependents until the age of 21 regardless of student status. I agree with quiltguru - you need to look at the whole picture, not discount anything, until you can narrow in on what's really going on with your s. Many students find themselves in this situation, but you need to find out what brought your s. to this in order to help him rectify it. Maybe it's wholey within his ability and maybe he needs help. First you need to get at the cause. Everyone's pulling for you!</p>
<p>Just a note: if he is over 18, he is legally an adult, and the college can not disclose info to you without his written permission. Still, it's worth a call....</p>
<p>I was a straight-A student in HS and went off to a tough school (Ga Tech - Engineering). But it was a season of fraternity rushes, alcohol lushes, and girl crushes. In other words, a great time. My GPA after the first quarter was about a 2.3 or so. I'm sure my parents were horrified, but they did not give me grief of any kind. I eventually balanced out my academic pressures with outside fun and graduated with a 3.0 GPA. This was not great, but did not affect my later life AT ALL.</p>
<p>I've had a WONDERFUL career, attended two graduate schools, and have spent much of my career in academic or research environments.</p>
<p>Agree with marite. You don't know how lucky you are to be hearing all the news. Try not to throw water on it. Try not to internalize the anxiety. (Hard, I know). </p>
<p>Focus on your priorities:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You want her to get a great education, to fall in love witht he subjects she is studying, to nurture the beginning of a life long passion for learning, to find subjects she wants to take to the ninth degree. Even though she is not currently 'performing' well on exams, she may be thrilled by the intellectual challenge of the classroom. Listen for those clues. </p></li>
<li><p>You have raised her to find her own bit of Terra Firma, her own place on earth. In eight short weeks, she seems to have carved out a very exciting spot--full of friends and laughter. Fantastic! What a skill! Who could go wrong in life surrounded by friends and laughter? She would be the envy of many a shy student.</p></li>
<li><p>You want her to manage her time and learn to 'perform'. Those are real life skills too--but YOU cannot teach those things to her now. In fact, is it possible to effectively 'parent' an 18 year old? I say no. Eighteen year olds must bang into walls and fall flat on their faces and take cues from their peers. That's how they learn at this stage. I turned off my listening gear when my clueless parents gave advice and I am sure my sons do too.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I was a slow learner in category #3. I cottoned on to the whole business in second semester sophomore year when I decided I wanted to compete at the top. Now....it took me another semester or two to figure out HOW to compete at the top levels--but I can tell you one thing. I sorted it out without my mom's help. ;)</p>
<p>digmedia, A 2.3 if you are not requiring a scholarship is just fine. In this instance there is work not turned in and poor grades without a reason one can pinpoint. At many schools the average gpa is around a 2.8 (at least one state school listed it as such).</p>