New college parent overly concerned?

Parents Forum
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<p>chopper - at some schools, the Dean of Students is the right office. I would try there. If it is not them, they will know who. You are in the proverbial parent Catch-22 - damned if you do (kid wants you to butt out), damned if you don't (he's got his head in the sand). I would tell Dean of Students your worries, tell him your S does not want you intervening and ask if they don't have a basis for contacting him directly ( a kind of "we check in with students on scholarship xyz to make sure they are on track").</p>

<p>I agree with quiltguru that it would be great to get on the campus and "see for yourself." But that can be a <em>lot</em> easier said than done. You could easily get up there are not find him in his room, not see him in his regular habits and habitat. I'm imagining that Dean of Students office can fish out what's going on better. Now, due or Privacy requirements, they may not be able to share much with you. But I'm hoping they will be that "adult he WILL listen to."</p>

<p>Although he doesn't want to talk about it/listen to you, I agree with the poster (Blossom?) who said you should make it clear where you stand: flunk out/lose the scholarship and we will still love you, but this is the limit of what we will do to support you financially: 4 years college, no free rent if you drop out, etc. etc. If he comes face-to-face with the parameters, that may be the impetus to do what he claims he can, which is turn it around.</p>

<p>I know first-hand how slippery-as-an-eel our boy-children can be re communicating with us when they want to be. So you will have to guess, based on your experience, whether a face-to-face sit down, letter, phone call is the right medium.</p>

<p>Digmedia could well be right, this kid will land on his feet. But the pressure of that scholarship gives him a lot less time. I think you will feel better, or at least be armed with the "come to Jesus" information you need, if you talk with Dean of Students office and find out exactly what will happen to that scholarship under different scenarios and what options he has to "recover" it if he blows this semester. If all they are requiring is a 1.8, they have gone pretty far to help the kids already. If he wants, he can turn that around even for this semester, I'm betting, by humbling himself at prof's knees and making up work, doing extra work and buckling down henceforth. </p>

<p>One note of hope: DH's best college friend barely made it through his first semester of Engineering. Girlfriend in nursing school 6 hours away was the problem. They have now been married... well... too many years for me to admit to, and he the President of two highly successful tech firms.</p>

<p>Hope some of this is helpful. I know you are bleeding right now.</p>

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<p>Chopper, I have had some experience with behavior like that of your son as both my older brother and sister were determined to flunk out of school, for what reason no one could quite figure out, except that they needed the maturity that a few years of working could give them before they could finally finish. I was the fifth kid to go to college and by that time rules had been set in place. C average or total self support ( no moving home to sponge off mom and dad).</p>

<p>I'm not sure that this rule would have changed my older sibling's behavior, but it certainly had the potential of saving my parents a lot of hard-earned money. I agree with this philosophy so much I have adopted it with my own kids. It is not your place to go see anyone at your son's school, it might seem cruel but you have done all you can and the rest is up to him. I taught at a large university for a number of years and can tell you that the message that "actions have consequences" is not one with which many of today's college students are familiar. Unfortunately, that does not make it any less true. You know he can do the work and is choosing not to, for whatever reason. If there is a reason he needs to find a solution. As hard as it may seem, after setting down the rules, you need to let the chips fall where they may or you could be thousands poorer and your son no wiser.</p>

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<p>I cannot begin to tell you all how wonderful it is to hear everyones thoughts, ideas, etc. </p>

<p>A little more background will clarify a few things about my son. First off, he is extremely bright so schoolwork has always come easy to him without a whole lot of effort. I think the workload at his school is daunting and the work is challenging. During high school he began the habit of missing a few assignments or turning things in late. Because his grades (when he asserts himself) are so high, he was still able to pull a 4.2 GPA with the missing/late assignment low grades. He would feel incredibly guilty and pledge to stay on track and get things done on time, but the habit continued. I tried to get him to go to counseling at the time but he adamantly refused so he is unlikely to be willing to go now. He can't verbalize what causes him to be unmotivated. </p>

<p>We warned him that college was a whole new ball of wax and he would not be able to pull his old shenanigans. Obviously he didn't listen and he is reaping the results. I don't think he had a clue what missing one assignment could do to his grades in each class. Yes, it is humanly possible for him to pull some of these grades up, but he just isn't seeing the seriousness of his situation. He must have a 3.0 or lose the scholarship. Right now I think he would be lucky to have a 2.0. He has spoken to one teacher who refused to let him do any extra credit or make-up missed work. He is one point away from an F in that class. </p>

<p>I truly don't think he's doing drugs/alcohol. I know that sounds naive but he's very conservative in that regard. </p>

<p>I do think you all are right that contacting the Dean or President's office to try to get them involved might be beneficial. </p>

<p>As far as what I will do if he blows it completely this semester, I am having trouble coming to grips with what that could mean. I never imagined myself in this situation.</p>

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<p>Denquist,</p>

<p>Yes, I am kinda coming to grips with the fact that I can't fix the situation as much as I want to. He truly is on his own, but don't you think that it might be possible for someone at his school to. . . I guess. . . scare the heck out of him and help him see the light? </p>

<p>I am sure that you are right about the maturity issue. He is young. . . just turned 18 a couple of months ago.</p>

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<p>Chopper-- get a grip. Although I am personally not a believer in calling deans, etc, since if your son doesn't want to do the work, you can intervene all you want, but it won't get him a degree.... I think your state of mind right now is probably more important than whatever intervention you decide on.</p>

<p>Lots of successful people have to take time off from college before they can buckle down. Lots of successful people don't have the maturity or work habits to handle a demanding academic program but manage to rise to the occasion. Lots of successful people have to deal with their own denial before they can tackle the problem at hand. </p>

<p>However-- (take a deep breath) make sure you are part of the solution and not part of the problem. If your son got the message in HS that because he was so smart and things came quickly to him and the rules didn't apply to him, he's going to have to learn that in college it don't work that way. If he played a bit of a game of chicken with you in HS (see? I can skip assignments and still get good grades... you were wrong, mom and dad!) that's a pattern he's still grappling with and is going to have to unlearn.</p>

<p>You can't fix this. Only he can fix this. You are not in this situation, per your last post.... he is. He was accepted because he can do the work, and once he realizes that he needs to change, he will get help, get back on track, and will do the work. However.... you can't fix this for him, and you can't get him motivated. That's his job.</p>

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<p>Chopper Now that you explained the history of his lateness on assignments, despite his wonderful success in hs, it is possible that he has attention deficit disorder. Not completing work, time management problems, late asssignments can be symptoms.There are very bright ppl that live with this disorder, and if it is, this can be dealt with. Advice about seeking medical care and a counselor is a very good idea. It may just be an adjustment, but maybe it is more than that.</p>

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<p>Yes, Blossom, you are right. There is really nothing I can do to make him change. But, I'm still involved because I'm still forking over the tuition bill right now. We have warned him that we will not continue to pay for his education unless he turns his grades around. Admittedly, it will be hard for us to follow through on this threat, but I know it will be necessary for him to learn a hard lesson. It is just killing me right now watching him self destruct.</p>

<p>Northeast Mom, I've never thought about him having ADD. I used to think his problem was depression in high school but he denied that there was anything troubling him. He doesn't have any particular "issues". . . he has an intact family who loves him, has never had problems with drugs/alcohol, always had friends, is popular with girls, etc. so it's hard to find an answer. </p>

<p>When I ask him why he doesn't complete work he just says "I don't know".</p>

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<p>Chopper -- I don't have much to add to the above posts. This does sound like a "fear of failure" problem to me, though. If he doesn't do the work, he can't get a bad grade. The transition of being bright-enough-to-get-by-without-much-work to actually having to perform rings a very personal bell for me! The ability to apply oneself to the work at hand is a learned skill -- one I didn't really learn until my second degree. At its most basic, it requires going to every class/section/lab and actually doing the assignments, as we all know. </p>

<p>My son's school has a position called something like "Dean of First Year Students" -- this can't possibly be that unusual a scenario for them. I'm sure that they have a pretty good idea of how to deal with this. You might look at some of the links to study skills that were provided earlier, or encourage him to do so. I think the focus should be on activities right now -- going to class, reading the text, doing the problems etc -- rather than grades. I also would give him at least this entire year to figure the process out -- one semester is just not enough time.</p>

<p>Finally, this may seem like its out in left field, but I've been doing some reading on the use of pharmaceutical grade fish oil for arthritis, and I've come across information about its use for ADHD, depression and other mood disorders. It seems to act as a serotonin reuptake inhibitor and so is like nature's antidepressant. I know it's bizarre, but you could google the info and see what you find.</p>

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<p>Chopper, I can verbalize what causes him to stay up all night and be unmotivated for studies: wild, mad SEX in a single room. </p>

<p>If he 'loves' his courses, that will probably be enough for him to straighten himself out once he surfaces from this affair of the heart.</p>

<p>Hoepfully he doesn't lose his scholarship--but that is very very common for freshman who don't make the requisite GPA. And many of those scholarships cannot be reinstated. Clever policy that 'expands' the funding pool.</p>

<p>Contact the ASsoc Dean of the engineering school to inquire whether or not he is literally drowning. Without 'slamming' your son or putting questions in the School's mind--ask for a bit of advice on adjusting YOUR level of expectation. I bet they have seent his situation a thousand times.</p>

<p>He'll come round to the academics. It might not be in the shape and manner you imagined, but he will. Try not to worry. Try not to resort to threats.</p>

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<p>Hey, it's worth looking into. . . thanks. </p>

<p>Several people have suggested counseling or a health evaluation which I think is a good idea, but how do you convince a person to go if they don't want to or don't feel they need to?</p>

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<p>OK, I have made the decision to call the school tomorrow and see what they have to say. They may say "leave him alone" or they may have a support system for him. I will let them do as they see fit. I will let everyone know what happens. </p>

<p>OK, I'm inhaling. . . exhaling. Trying to relax and let all the tension out.</p>

<p>Thanks everybody. This too shall pass.</p>

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<p>I can feel the tension through the computer screen. I hope that you feel a lot better after you call them tomorrow!</p>

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<p>Life is not at an end.......take heart. A solution will materialize. Calling the school is the correct action......I hope they are at least a listening ear and at best a help toward the solution. Good Luck.</p>

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<p>Chopper I feel your pain, but you need to be realistic here. By your intervening you are actually encouraging his lack of motavation. He will be thinking "I may not be doing well but my Mom is taking care of it, so I neednt worry". I know thats how I was at his age. You need to step back and let him fall - it is only by falling and having noone jump in to catch him that he will realize that he needs to stand up by himself. And if he is going to fall it is better that it happens sooner than later. If it happens soon he will probably go and do Community college and there are ways to transfer to state school and in the long run end up with a degree. But if you hold him up for 4 or 5 years and then he eventually falls it will probably result in his giving up on school altogether. While you may be able to prop him up this one time, dont kid yourself that you can do this all the way through his graduation.</p>

<p>My advice is to lay it out in writing that there is only x years of tuition available and if he moves back home there will he house rules and rent. If he says he will go and get loans then let him try. Then sit back and just be emotionally supportive. The rules have changed since he left HS. The time for intervening in his school is gone - hes an adult now and you must respect it. For a really bright kid there will always be opportunities so dont worry about it. America is the still the land of opportunity for smart well liked kids liked your son.</p>

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<p>Timcob,</p>

<p>If I called the school, I would definitely ask them to keep my call confidential. I would simply be asking them to provide any support to him that they would normally provide for students who are not performing well academically. Do you still think that would be inappropriate interference? I am torn. </p>

<p>I do realize that I must let him fall if necessary, but I feel that not asking the school for their support would be sort of like watching someone fall from a building and not offering them the net that is close by. If the school has the ability to reach out to him (whether its effective or not) isn't it worth a try?</p>

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<p>Hopefully you will not feel compelled to ask the school to keep your conversation confidential for there is no reason to do so. If you are hoping for action on their part they will be discreet which is not the same thing as confidential. You need to ask about specific outcomes or alternatives......you are NOT simply calling as a plea for intervention. Maybe you should give yourself some support and write out your goals/questions as a que during the call. I mean I know you will feel stressed. </p>

<p>Make a list of your goals
Facts you are uncertain of
Options for you son
Is dropping a class possible
Incomplete?
Many options will exist</p>

<p>Dont confuse yourself before you get started. You are not asking what his GPA is or what assignments are late or what classes he is taking or not taking. You are calling to determine how you can help before the end of the term......ameliorate that consequences. You are expecting bad news and how to arrange for the second term now.......money, registration restrictions, required GPA....does the scholarship immediately drop off? What additional financial aid documents might they need.....the particulars. If you listen carefully they will guide you....it may be hard to listen. You will be stressed.</p>

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<p>Chopper, again, get a grip. Your son is not self-destructing. All over America right now there are college kids attempting suicide, recovering from bulimia or a substance addiction, engaging in a whole range of anti-social behaviors, getting arrested, etc.</p>

<p>I am so sympathetic to your plight.... it rings so true for me given some of the challenges we had with our son.... but it is important for you to retain perspective. One semester of lousy grades at a competitive school in an engineering program is far from self-destructing. In fact, it will likely be the catalyst for a whole lot of maturity and growth for him down the road. He is probably in great company at his own college, not to mention the thousands of kids in engineering schools all over the country facing the same dilemma.</p>

<p>Your attitude can help ease the way here, or help him dig deeper into his denial. If it were me.... I'd send a quick, loving email reminding him that if he loses the scholarship you all won't be able to afford to keep him at the school he loves but that he'll always have a roof over his head at home and that you're sure he'll find a jobback home in no time.</p>

<p>It will then take five minutes at the Financial Aid office for him to learn that he cannot self-finance the entire loan by himself; it will take three minutes for him to get directions to the office of an academic counselor who will look over his program, identify which class he should drop so he can finish the semester while focusing on the classes he's got a shot at passing. The advisor may intervene with a dean to get him out of the too-tough placements as well, while trying to preserve as many credits as possible. They do this for a living and they are good at it. </p>

<p>Your job through all of this???? Grin and grit; this too shall pass. He's a smart kid; he will get past this; his self-confidence is now taking a beating but if he can salvage the semester with reasonable grades and a lighter load, he'll be much more motivated to start using the study skills offices etc. for next semester.</p>

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<p>Chopper I think that you are doing the right thing. I think that you are alerting them to a problem that they may not be aware of. Hazmat has some very good suggestions for making that call.</p>

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<p>"Several people have suggested counseling or a health evaluation which I think is a good idea, but how do you convince a person to go if they don't want to or don't feel they need to?"</p>

<p>First, you ask nicely. Then you make it a condition of continued attendance at the college and insist. I know you said that your son is pretty conservative, but what about the new girlfriend? I'm sure she's an influence. Can you go visit?</p>

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<p>I think Blossom is giving you very good advice. I am assuming that the school has councilors available and that your son knows how to find them. I think its fine to talk to the school, but you are really doing that for you and not your son. You need to do whatever you do to keep yourself sane. You can also point out where the resources are to your son but beyond that I dont think you can make him do it. I would not insist on him getting councelling for continued support or anything heavy handed like that. That could easily backfire and you could jeopardise your relationship with your son - something that is much more important than this issue. Your son knows that he is an adult and is asking you to keep your distance. He is challenging you to treat him like one by being so open and yet asking him to respect his wishes. You should rise to that challenge. If you dont then you are not treating him like an adult. Can you imagine how you would feel if your mother was contacting your employer about your work quality over your objections. You have to respect his wishes.</p>

<p>I have had some of the same issues with my D so I know how hard it is to sit on your hands when you are used to providing all the support. I handle it like an employer sponsorship. My employer will pay for me to do another degree so long as I give them my transcripts. If I get a C average and am progressing academically then they pay, if not then they dont. Its just that simple. They dont threathen me or tell me to go and get counceling. I either make the grade or I dont. I handle my own sponsorship of my daughters education the same way - I am paying 100% with no aid. She messed up a bit in freshman year so I withheld some $ and she went and got a small loan to make up. That experience was great for her in that she fixed it herself and also learned about the amount of money that is at stake. She is much more balanced this year. But If I hadnt held some $ back she would have continued as she was and would be in more trouble now.</p>