<p>Over the last year I have kept busy ,subbing by day ,hospital volunteer at night .I still have periods of extreme sadness and depression .Taking Paxil which seemed to improve ,but not alleviate the sadness .Only take 10 mg. so I guess I could up the dosage .Friends say " Your kid got into Harvard ! You should be so happy ! " I am happy FOR HER . But what about me ? My 4 kids are successful ,but I miss them terribly .I love being a mom more than a wife . I just got back from 2 weeks in Italy ,and it was fantastic . My husband tries to cheer me up ,but I just don't feel better for long .I don't think about suicide alot ,because I want to be a grandma some day ......I probably will call my doctor ( it's Sunday ) and see what he says .It's sort of like when a new mom loses a baby , and people say " Don't worry-you can have another"- it doesn't affect her grief that is the present .My mom attempted suicide once ,so I guess there is an increased risk for me . Any ideas ? my husband went out for some chocolate ice cream ,which helps a little .</p>
<p>Sounds like your best bet is to consult with the professional who already is taking care of you. There’s more going on than we CC parents can provide answers for. Best wishes in handling your problems.</p>
<p>I do think, based on your post, that you need to be evaluated by a good psychiatrist.</p>
<p>I would also recommend getting a dog once the depression issue is addressed properly.</p>
<p>Thinking of you and hoping you feel better. Can you get outside for a little while? Fresh air is nice.</p>
<p>Being around young people is energizing. When you are feeling better, could you help out with a scout troop or some other organization for young people, maybe something your kids were in when they were younger?</p>
<p>Agree, you should be dealing with a professional on this. The whole “empty nest” thing is a big adjustment. Also you may be thinking the depression is all about the kids being off to college, but it may be that there other issues involved as well that are less easy to identify.</p>
<p>when your husband gets back, take a walk on the beach with him (i think you said u live in south orange county?) and commit to seeing a marriage counselor. i’m in southern california-- i know for a fact that the weather’s beautiful outside right now so NO EXCUSES, lol!! </p>
<p>sounds to me like u don’t enjoy being with your man anymore…</p>
<p>Medication combined with therapy should give you better results than medication alone.</p>
<p>Thank you for all the good advice . I am not in Orange County ,but NJ . I will speak to my MD and go from there . Interesting post that this may not be about an empty nest ! Nice to have the ciber-support !</p>
<p>I AM around young people all day ! I do the Pediatric ER at night , and 4-7 year old at the schools .</p>
<p>the empty nest factor may have triggered your real genetic predisposition to depression. Having the kids at home probably helped to masked that predisposition.
I was still “sad” for a couple of years after my 1 and only went off to college- but that too passed. 1 year may also not be enough time for you to adjust ,after the big change from your primary role as being “Mom” for so long. You should see your Dr and not try to cure yourself at this point.</p>
<p>If you add menopause into the mix, it may not just be about the empty nest. I am glad you are seeing a doctor.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you’ve been going through such a tough time. Life transitions can be so hard. I agree strongly about consulting a professional, and not just an MD. You should be seen by a psychiatrist and probably referred to a therapist as well. The right antidepressant medication combined with counseling is likely to be most helpful to you. Please don’t wait. Do it for your kids, and for yourself too. You will be so glad you did!</p>
<p>fauxmom - just so you know that you are not alone…</p>
<p>I will be an empty nester this fall and I am terrified! My H is a workaholic and since he was never around, I had to play both roles with the kids. I think this is one of the reasons that my whole life seemed to revolve around them and their activities. </p>
<p>Do you have a girlfriend or two that you can start doing things with? Even if it is just lunch every so often, I think it would help. I really don’t like facebook, but it is a great way to reconnect with old friends. (I dropped my friends to care for my kids and it was the worst decision I ever made)</p>
<p>We always had large dogs, but I bought a small lap dog when S1 was a high school senior and I recently bought another prior to S2’s departure. I think for many of us, we need to be needed and these littles dogs are certainly dependent upon me.</p>
<p>I am trying to think of an activity to take up. Something that I find enjoyable, will keep me busy and that will remind me (and my H) once again that I am an interesting person.</p>
<p>The Mayo Clinic website says that if you are feeling sad or depressed that for 15 minutes each day you should write “What I feel and why I feel that way” and also 3 things that went well that day and why you think these good things happened" (the best part is that you don’t have to share or even keep these writings - if you chose, you can immediately shred them.</p>
<p>I agree you should talk to your doctor and if they suggest therapy give it a try. Keep taking your vitamins because stress and sadness can play games with your health. </p>
<p>But most of all - good luck. You have done such a wonderful job with your kids and even though they are out of the house, they will always need their mom.</p>
<p>Fauxmaven: I’m sorry that you’re still having a tough time. I agree that you should see a psychiatrist and/or therapist. I also second the suggestion about getting a small dog. We have a lot of empty nesters in my neighborhood, and most of them have dogs. They really offer a lot of companionship and unconditional love. They also love to be babied. We got a maltese when my daughters were teens, and I think it helped me let go of them and allow them their independence. Good luck dealing with this.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you’re so sad FauxMaven. We so often lose ourselves in the day to day routines of our children, especially if you have 4. I’ve had a hard time remembering what I like to do; honestly I haven’t had time anyway, since I went back to work full time 3 years ago and still have a D at home, but I am finding that the stuff I liked to do before kids isn’t necessarily appealing to me anymore. Shock…I’ve changed in 18 years! </p>
<p>I’ll agree that talking to a professional is the best thing you can do right now. And if you don’t click with the first doc, try another. It’s time to work on you! And I think that can be a foreign concept for us moms. We’ve spent so much time doing for others that it feels wasteful and indulgent for us to do stuff for us.</p>
<p>And a pet might be in order. If you’re not a dog person, then there are certain breeds of cats that are very affectionate. When D1 left for school, I contacted a breeder and bought a Ragdoll kitten. As someone who had only ever adopted shelter cats, I had a moral struggle about buying a cat from a breeder, reputable or not. But I wanted one that would give me attention 
He’s been a great distraction and wonderful addition.</p>
<p>Cyber hugs to you, fauxmaven… I’m dreading the possibility that I will feel the same way you do once D goes. The connection with one’s kids is just so vitally important. I’m glad you have a good doctor (shrink/therapist I hope?) And wish you so much good and happiness!</p>
<p>I have found professional help to be key this past year. I have one child who just finished his freshman year of college. He loved it! And I am thrilled for, and proud of, him. </p>
<p>For me, being an at-home mom was my dream job. I never loved the housework and I still cannot get a complicated meal on the table on time but I absolutely loved the day-to-day mothering. It’s like nothing else. Infertility left us with one child we are wildly thankful for yet it’s still hard for me to believe that at age 41 I’m facing the empty nest. I planned on my empty nest coming in my 50s! </p>
<p>People try to help but it’s just a difficult journey. It’s nice being around children but I wanted more of my own, not to care for other people’s kids. I’m slowly figuring it out. I’ve decided it’s going to take time and tears but I will get there with help from family, friends and professionals. And I know you will too.</p>
<p>Here’s a virtual hug, fauxmaven! Some seasons of life seem to be more difficult than others for some reason, and empty nesting can be a tough one. Here’s hoping your doctor, medication if necessary and chocolate ice cream applied as needed will help.</p>
<p>Is your D coming home for summer break?</p>
<p>Another shout out for talk therapy, as old fashioned as it sounds. Meds are good- and you probably need to be a little more proactive with your MD if they’re only taking the edge off- but nothing beats sitting on someone’s couch and having an expert and dispassionate outsider help you clarify what’s bugging you.</p>
<p>I went kicking and screaming (but my MD said he wouldn’t keep prescribing until I brought in a “Doctor’s note” to say I’d tried therapy) and I must say… what a godsend. I held it together for the first session, shook the doctors hand to say thank you, made it as far as the elevator, and then burst into tears which lasted about half an hour. A good, long, self-absorbed, messy bout of hysterical crying in the lobby of the building, then to my car.</p>
<p>By the time I got home I knew I was already making progress. I wasn’t crying because I was sad; I was crying because someone had listened to me, taken notes, was listening carefully without trying to fix me, and was going to wait several weeks before making suggestions on how to feel better. (you probably have several good friends who keep trying to swoop in and make your pain go away. It is nice they care; it is very condescending to think that your problems can be fixed by buying a new outfit or getting a massage or manicure, right?)</p>
<p>Get a referral!!! It really helps! Even the suggested techniques which sounded moronic ended up helping me. (You may discover that your child’s departure has triggered a lot of unresolved grief about other departures- and it is so empowering to figure out that you can grieve years or decades after the event and then move on from it. You won’t miss your kid any less- but you’ll be able to miss your D like a parent misses a child who is gone off to college, not like a death).</p>
<p>Hugs to you. It is hard. Getting better is so worth it. You are so worth it.</p>
<p>OP-- I want to also echo how important a good therapist and potentially an MD are to your well being.</p>
<p>That said, I’m no shrink, but your connections to your children seem very strong and all the extra time has left you unfulfilled. If you can get stability to your emotions and the depression is manageable, have you actually considered being a foster parent? Social services has a constant demand in all locations. </p>
<p>There are so many children who need a home and clearly you have lots of selfless love to provide others. It’s essential first to ensure you are not suicidal as determined by a full psychiatric workup prior to even considering care for others who are emotionally fragile and in need of stability in their lives.</p>
<p>Best to you!</p>