Parental Advice Needed: Roommates Boyfriend Over Too Much!

<p>These stories make me glad I went to a school with mostly off-campus self-selected housing. One semester in a dorm was enough for me. Houses/apts are a much more civilized way to live.</p>

<p>This gives me a new idea for a "theme" dorm. It's the NO GUESTS dorm. Sign me up!</p>

<p>You just might be onto something. I think there are some no overnight guests dorms around.</p>

<p>I see two issues here:
1) the privacy issue - it's your room and you didn't sign up for a co-ed triple
2) the controlling issue.</p>

<p>Second one first:
<a href="http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20000118%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20000118&lt;/a>
Give that to your roomie when you see her. I've been in that type of situation before - controlling boyfriend, wants to spend all his time over, you end up spending all of your time and energy placating him. I got out of that situation (in part) when I went home and was still stressed and upset - realized that it was him and not school that had me in knots. The biggest non-boyfriend problem I had were family and friends - who blamed me for the time issue. So I heard it from the ex, heard it from my friends. I'm writing this to underscore the importance of not putting pressure or blame on her for the situation. </p>

<p>Also, try to be a friend to her - one of the things that helped me was the (very mild, actually, too mild) suggestions from friends that the relationship wasn't healthy. There's nothing like a little outside perspective to know you aren't crazy. :) Say that you are worried or that you don't think the relationship is healthy for her. Express concern with the situation without blaming her for it.</p>

<p>The fighting/cuddling thing sounds an alarm bell in my head. My ex was either picking fights with me or groping me - or sometimes both. Normal, healthy relationships have friend time. (Note that they also allow time to see your friends, who, IMO, are a hell of a lot more important than the b/f. The friends will be there when the b/f is a jerk.)</p>

<ol>
<li> Room issue. When the guy is alone with you in the room, kick him out. Don't worry about being a witch - just tell him that he isn't welcome. I'm sure he'll whine, cry, and try to say things about how your roomie says that it's fine, but stand your ground - just say that YOU aren't going to tolerate him being in the room when she isn't there. Don't make it about her or him - just make it your rule.<br></li>
</ol>

<p>Talk to your roomie about it - just say that you didn't sign up for a triple. I had a situation like that... and it was rough. I think a lot of it depends on the role that the roommate plays in the situation. If she's the one doing the inviting, then talk to her and tell her to knock it off. If he's pressuring her, you're walking a fine line - you don't want to put her in the middle. If she needs back-up in telling him to buzz off, then offer to be the bad guy. You'll be doing both of you a favour.</p>

<p>haha...lots of advice - all appreciated!</p>

<p>Thomas Aquinas College (CA). Not just no <em>overnight</em> guests, but no guys allowed in the girls' dorm/no girls in the guys' dorm. Not in the building. Ever. Period. There are probably a bunch of religious schools with similar rules, and their students probably get a lot more studying done. Many schools have a "no overnights" rule--mine did, but no one followed it. And no one wants to tattle on their roomie, who is usually a friend in spite of the bf/gf situation. If guys are all over the girls' dorm before midnight, who is going to go around and make sure they are out after midnight? What a joke!</p>

<p>I don't think many parents let their kids have an overnight guest of the opposite sex at home when they're 17/high school seniors. Then kids turn 18, go off to college and not only do we "allow" it--we pay for it? And they are having to live with roommates' guests. . .and we're paying for that, too? Does anyone else think that dorm life (especially coed dorms/bathrooms, overnights, etc.) is unhealthy? How many people CHOOSE to live with unknown/unrelated people in coed group homes/apartments after college? Yuck.</p>

<p>If the bf won't leave, call security. Imagine if you were at your parents' house, or in your own apartment and you came home and there was a strange guy sitting in your bedroom. That would creep you out, wouldn't it? You'd probably call the police. Some people think dorms are just a "free for all," but you have a right to privacy in your own bedroom. Don't be a doormat. But don't overreact. How much are you willing to put up with? If you can't resolve the situation on your own, complain to the housing office--you might get lucky and get a single!</p>

<p>I think you've gotten some good advice. From your tag it looks like you are a student at Cal. You can talk to your RA about your issues, and there is also counseling available at University Health Services where you can talk to someone about relationship issues.</p>

<p>The thing I see as the most important issue is the loss of privacy. You are paying for a room and agreed to share it with a roomate. Not the roomate's BF. When she is out of the room, he should be too. And I think the advice about setting limits about how much time someone spends over is also on the right track. Its time to have another discussion with your roomie about the roomate contract and expectations. It doesn't need a dramatic buildup, just a time for the two of you to sit down and talk things over. The RA and counseling center can help you rehearse what to say so that you can have the talk in a non-confrontational manner, if you think you want some prep ahead of time.</p>

<p>While painful to say because its clear you care about this person and want her to be happy, we can't solve other people's problems. I wouldn't leave literature about abuse "lying around" because this is clearly meant for her and she might see it as insulting, especially since he's going to see it as well since he's always over. I'd say solve the problems that directly affect you, be there as support when/if she needs you, but don't take it on your shoulders to intervene. Actual physical abuse would be different, but hopefully it never comes to that.</p>

<p>mikemac -</p>

<p>Thanks so much. You seemed to hit the nail on the head - it reallly is the privacy issue that needs to be talked about. The issue isn't so offensive that I would ever call security. I don't feel threatened or creeped out by this guy - in fact, we get along as friends quite fine. I also don't really agree with a "no guest of the opposite sex policy", so for me, this really isn't something that offends me morally or religiously. I just want limitations set and that is what I'm going to do. My friendship with my roommate is far too important to take drastic measures, and for the past two days, things have been fairly stress-free and enjoyable. Thanks again for all the advice.</p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

<p>
[quote]
Actual physical abuse would be different, but hopefully it never comes to that.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>But emotional abuse and controlling behaviour is a huge, huge warning sign - abusive types do not start off being controlling. They gradually change their behaviour. IMO, that issue should be dealt with sooner rather than later - because it is NEVER going to get any better.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Thomas Aquinas College (CA). Not just no <em>overnight</em> guests, but no guys allowed in the girls' dorm/no girls in the guys' dorm. Not in the building. Ever. Period. There are probably a bunch of religious schools with similar rules, and their students probably get a lot more studying done. Many schools have a "no overnights" rule--mine did, but no one followed it. And no one wants to tattle on their roomie, who is usually a friend in spite of the bf/gf situation. If guys are all over the girls' dorm before midnight, who is going to go around and make sure they are out after midnight? What a joke!

[/quote]
</p>

<p>But when it was 1am and you were trying to finish a problem set and it was against the rules to go over to the other dorm and ask someone still awake for help, that would be annoying. </p>

<p>I think the issure here is respect, and I don't think you can legislate that.</p>

<p>Not that I'm suggesting it's better, but speaking from experience, non-physical abuse can be a lot harder to deal with. If somebody hits you, you know there's a line crossed right away. This kind of stuff can creep up on you and you "suddenly" find yourself in prison. Those who have helped define this situation as abusive here are probably right. And outside eyes in such a situation are a gift from above!</p>

<p>Aside from not being able to spend any time with her, you deserve a certain measure of privacy....do you share a double room with her (and him, it seems) or is it a suite sort of situation? It would be untenable for me to have a guy there that much ....and it was when I was in college a hundred years ago. I used to leave when he'd come over which I ended up great resenting as it was MY room, too. You're not being bratty or selfish at all. I agree with the other parents that a talk or a switch is desperately needed!</p>

<p>dke -</p>

<p>yes, it is a double room. lately things have been fairly decent - he's not over every 5 seconds of the day, and i haven't had to deal with spending the night in the same room as them (although she is still spending a lot of nights at his place, and they sleep here if i'm going to be spending the night at my bf's frat, etc.). i'm going to see how things go from here. but if he starts coming around too often or sleeping here when i am staying in the room, i'm going to take all this advice and have a serious talk with my roommate.</p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

<p>I just turned on "Dr. Phil" and he's talking with 6 college girls about this very issue, as well as others......how timely!</p>

<p>give me a summary of the show - im off to class, haha...</p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

<p>Thirty-four posts, and they've yet to have a three-some? ;)</p>

<p>bad, mini, bad bad mini ;)</p>

<p>
[quote]
i'm going to see how things go from here. but if he starts coming around too often or sleeping here when i am staying in the room, i'm going to take all this advice and have a serious talk with my roommate.

[/quote]
Actually this might be the better time to talk about things. Its always a bit easier to ask people to keep doing what they're already doing instead of changing their behavior. </p>

<p>It can be a friendly talk where you say you like things the way they are right now (being quite specific about visiting when roomate is gone and total time spent in your shared room so its very clear WHAT behaviors you're discussing) and would like agreement they'll stay that way. Quick and easy, as a friend used to say. And if she asks why you're bringing it up at all, then answer using "I" statements (see for example, <a href="http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/treatment/istate.htm%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/treatment/istate.htm&lt;/a> or <a href="http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap13/chap13g.htm%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap13/chap13g.htm&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p>

<p>If by contrast you wait until the problem happens again then you're asking them to change what they're doing, and asking for change can put people onto the defensive.</p>

<p>exactly. </p>

<p>as far as mini's comment...uhm..ew..just...ew.</p>

<p>haha.</p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

<p>Did anyone ever stop to think that her roommate has found true love and she just wants to spend a lot of time with him. I remember when I met my husband Jim, we wanted to spend every waking minute of the day together. That's because we were in love and recognized the fact that we had found true love and met our soulmates. This was apparent to us. I know a lot of people thought we were crazy kids and disagreed with our behavior, but we are happier than ever. I guess that Jim might sound abusive to some people on paper, but anyone who knows him will tell you he is the nicest guy, the best husband ever, and the love of my life.</p>

<p>Don't equate spending a lot of time together and somewhat controlling behavior to an abusive relationship. That may just mean that they are in love and he really does know what is best for her. Only once a person is 100% in love, can she give full control and trust to another person. You yourself said that he is a nice guy and a good friend to you, what else is wrong with him besides wanting to spend time with his girlfriend and giving her advice on what's best for her?</p>

<p>You should try to re-evaluate the situation here and see if he really is abusive or if you just think that his behavior is SOMETIMES controlling. It is hard for us to evaluate your situation because we do not fully know it. You know him, he is your friend right? Is his behavior REALLY controlling? Is he abusive? Do you see him being abusive towards her if she does not spend time with him? Think about these questions in greater detail.</p>