Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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4221

<p>I have a question for the rest of you about house photos. (Sorry, a little off-topic.) In my area, houses are exceedingly expensive, and they are almost always staged for sale-- that is, a staging professional removes all the furniture if it isn’t out already, and replaces it with a little bit of their own decor-y furniture, and they spruce up the front yard. Also, in my area, pictures are taken after the house is staged.</p>

<p>Is that different in other areas? Do people show their houses while they’re still furnished with the original furniture?</p>

4222

<p>Dharma, why ask her? Is there no way for the aide to take her to the market, at that time? Or something? You won’t list it without her permission. Today, you are looking for list price info. What if Mom says no? </p>

<p>Also, sorry, an important question is, if Mom temporarily lands in a NH again, what happens to the AL contract? Let them answer it in their own words. When you say they are not connected to a NH, do you mean physically/adjacent/across the street- or zero relationship at all? </p>

4223

<p>Are you talking to the lawyer again soon? She may be able to answer these questions about AL/NH etc.</p>

4224

<p>DW- you have her permission. Stop giving her opportunities to rescind it. She is going to assisted living and part of that is selling the house. </p>

<p>Be nice to yourself. Carry on! </p>

4225

<p>Each AL can have it’s own rules. It should also be in its contract. I don’t want to confuse anyone at this point, re what MIL found.</p>

<p>A 275k house in greater NYC shouldn’t need staging - you’re not going for maximum potential price and not trying to recoup anything against an underwater mortgage.<br>
All fees, last time I checked, incl commissions for both agents, taxes, etc, should run about 10%, I think. The agent can tell you.</p>

4226

<p>Fang, when my parents’ house sold, the agent just did the staging with their furniture, which was quite presentable. A LOT was cleared out, all personal items obviously, much of the small furniture, and some of the pictures on the wall, which made it look spacious. Potted plants were put to good use filling in holes. But this wasn’t a high-end area. It sold for a little under 300. </p>

4227

<p>This thread has moved quickly and I havent caught up yet. Apologies if this sounds too direct, but do you have difficulty staying focused? Plans seem to jump around all over the place. Conversations get distracted with unessential details and it gets very scattered. Its overwhelming. Stay focused on the most important details. Drop the RM. Its a non issue. No more time wasted on that. Move on.</p>

<p>Take your mom to only 1 more AL and have her pick one. She has already said she is disgruntled with everything and has derogatory things to say about you and your efforts, so dont expect differently. Just stay focused. When she has moved, tell her you can handle the house sale only if she signs POA to you to handle it all. Do NOT run decisions by her (eg real estate agent, price, etc). YOU handle it without her input. </p>

<p>Time is of the essence and you probably dont want to waste $. So staging is likely a waste too. We sold my dads house with his old furniture in it. Got a lot of junk out of there. But did not paint, garden or any of that. Yes they rearranged furniture after thinning stuff out. Thats all the “staging”. I was long distance. Did minimal to sell it (and in the worst market). </p>

<p>Do not get caught on all these tangents. stay focused on the primary important things- (1) get her moved and (2) sell the house.</p>

4228

<p>Thanks for the info, LasMa, jym and LF. My area is atypical, as far as real estate goes.</p>

4229

<p>You can type in almost any address (certainly in NY) and get a sales price estimate.</p>

4230

<p>Some posted above, they just take mom to lunch and while at lunch, others are moving her stuff and mom is then taken to AL/NH or wherever. She needs to go where there is increasing care as her needs increase. Don’t allow her to move into any other setting. There are many that have continuous care from independent to 24/7. </p>

<p>You have to have tough skin and be the parent. NO permissions. Get mom moved and stop thinking if all these tangents like RM and fees of Aides. You can sell after she’s out of the house, which us actually better than if someone is there anyway. </p>

<p>Your eldercare atty should have good recs–call their office–no need to have appt or another visit, just get their recs in realtors, etc. </p>

4231

<p>As for the staging, if someone has all the time in the world to sell, they can afford to spend time and money on staging. I am sure realtors everywhere know how much the price is affected by selling quick or taking time to sell.</p>

<p>My stepmother’s son spent 2 weeks and filled 2 gigantic dumpsters with most of their stuff, had a yard sale, and stripped it to the walls. He sold it to a flipper ASAP. But it did take a while to close. The 2 weeks he was here doing all that were in May, as far as I can recall, and it closed early in August.</p>

<p>If the house is in great shape, clean and tastefully decorated (none of which applied to my stepmother’s house when my dad died), and Dharmawheel and mom are in a hurry, I am sure it can be shown and sold quickly.</p>

4232

<p>No staging happening in my area either Cardinal Fang. </p>

<p>Dharma, I found that if I try to cajole my dad into doing something that he doesn’t particularly want to do, but I want/need him to do, he will push back. It’s his way of letting me know he has some independence and fighting spirit. But, if I limit the choices to just those I want him to do or make choices, he is fine. For example, when they moved to a retirement community near me, they almost chose a place almost an hour away. I told them it was too far and gave them a choice of two which they eventually chose one. In talking about investments, I thought I had to convince my dad that a certain investment strategy was wise. It made him angry and upset. Now, as the reasonable and rational person, I make the financial decisions which saves a lot of drama. </p>

4233

<p>If you have 6 or more months of cash for mom’s needs, this isn’t THAT huge of a rush, Dharma. Just get your mom situated in an appropriate facility and get a good realtor. The realtor WANTS a quick sale for a good price anyway. S/he can tell you what things are worth doing to improve the sales value for what it would cost to do–that is THEIR JOB. Good realtors have a lot of experience in these situations and are happy to do their part to earn their significant commissions.</p>

4234

<p>Sorry to jump head with my replies, but it is so confusing otherwise. Lf asks When you say they are not connected to a NH, do you mean physically/adjacent/across the street- or zero relationship at all?</p>

<p>The answer is zero relationship at all. That is the truth of her three choices. I guess its not so great here in Dutchess NY/Fairfield CT as other places. But a representative at the Dutchess County Agency for the Agency said they can always find a NH bed, and either go directly to her first choice-Somerrs manor–or be put on a waiting list.</p>

<p>LK, yes I can arrange the assessment while she is out with me the lawyer’s on Wednesday.</p>

4235

<p>Fang, I watch too much HGTV, because i actually expected a professional stager to come in. The agent just looked at me like i was crazy lol. The house sold in less than a month, so she was right.</p>

4236

<p>I sometimes go to open houses in my neighborhood, or in other neighborhoods I ride my bike through, just for idle curiousity. Every single house here is staged.</p>

4237

<p>Do you ever get the evil eye? </p>

4238

<p>I go to open houses in my neighborhood, out of curiosity when it fits my schedule, as do other neighbors. The realtors are very friendly and the ones in our neighborhood are NOT staged and often totally unfurnished, in need of paint and yardwork. They sell rapidly though because there is very little inventory in our area.</p>

4239

<p>So, Dharma, if she needs two months in a NH, then what? Did you ask that question of the AL places, to learn how it works with them? Can they offer “nursing level” care if she gets that sick again? I know some here advised to look for AL with some NH relationship, either a wing or owned by the same folks. And to vet first, without Mom.
The idea, from all of us, is to spare you all the extra head spinning. </p>

4240

<p>G Talum posted" Take your mom to only 1 more AL and have her pick one. She has already said she is disgruntled with everything and has derogatory things to say about you and your efforts, so dont expect differently. Just stay focused. When she has moved, tell her you can handle the house sale only if she signs POA to you to handle it all. Do NOT run decisions by her (eg real estate agent, price, etc). YOU handle it without her input.</p>

<p>Time is of the essence and you probably dont want to waste $. So staging is likely a waste too. We sold my dads house with his old furniture in it. Got a lot of junk out of there. But did not paint, garden or any of that. Yes they rearranged furniture after thinning stuff out. Thats all the “staging”. I was long distance. Did minimal to sell it (and in the worst market).</p>

<p>Do not get caught on all these tangents. stay focused on the primary important things- (1) get her moved and (2) sell the house."</p>

<p>Exactly right and good to hear.By the way, my mother keeps the house immaculate and no staging is needed at all. I will follow your advice. And of course as you noticed, I have difficulty getting focused. But at the same time I am fulfilling correctly copious tax documents for the employee, staying atop of payroll and myriad of other details, besides giving my children sufficient love , food, engagement, and attention. My three daughters need me, and though circumstances are far from ideal, I am a great listener, encourager , and supportive ally, besides shepardig them to their myriad play dates and fu things. </p>

<p>It is a strange fact of life and probably extraordinary to most that an adult (me) approaching SS-age eligibility needs so much pep talk and so much feedback regarding this cross-in-the-road in my life, direction and guidance. I won’t post online in public, but if anyone cares to know how competently and extraordinarily I dealt with a life crisis in 1993, and a lesser but formidable crisis in 2008, I will tell you, and you will understand that I am not, as i fear I come across, a complete loser. After 57 years, latent issues with my mother have caused me to seize up when, during much more difficult crises, I held up magnificently. I saved my husband’s life in 1993 and completely rebuilt his self esteem and confidence in the future because of a traumatic event. PM me if you want to know…no big deal. I don’t want to boast, but i don’t want to come across as as an idiot failure.</p>