<p>I’m so sorry for your loss, Dharma.</p>
<p>I too am sorry for your loss. My mother died a few days before Thanksgiving so I understand what you are feeling. I have found that I have waves of sadness that pass over me at unexpected times. It is especially difficult so close to the holidays. Take care of yourself.</p>
<p>Eyemom- Once a month visit that far away- seriously is plenty. As our parents age they seem to do full circle and become more childlike and more self centered. When my father died my mother was 85- she told my brother to quit his job (he has a good job about 8 hours from her) and come live with her and take care of her. Oh, and forget his wife of 10 years- she is not invited. </p>
<p>I sometimes thought when I flew to visit every few months- wouldn’t that be great if I had a winter car accident driving 2 hours to see her from the airport? I am not going to do that anymore. I chose to live here and she chose to live there. I am very attentive to her needs and medically stay on top of things- I talk with her once a week and visit when I can every few months but not in the snow/ice. I find it easier if I have the next trip planned and the dates picked out.</p>
<p>I think that working in medicine makes one realize that I could just as easily be sick with a terminal illness, debilitated from an accident, and loose a family member. Just because I am taking care of my mother does not make me immune from bad things happening to me. I also need to live my life and take care of my self and my family while I still can.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for you loss Dharma.
How fortunate that you mother did not linger from a diffcult illness. She had family with her near the end and that is a tremendous blessing. </p>
<p>Eyemom - 4 1/2 hours away is a long distance. It’s not a ‘just run on over on a whim’ kind of distance. It’s just too far for that. If you parents insist in living that far from you, then they can’t expect you to be over to help out all that often. It’s simply not reasonable. </p>
<p>My brother, the one who I had the big fight with a few weeks back texted me what “my” plan was to go through mom’s stuff for her move. I wanted to say some unkind things. Instead I said, I don’t know, ask the other sister. It’s hard to untangle the resentment I have, with siblings, with choices my mom made, and to make decisions to be a better daughter. I chose to move away at a young age, for reasons that sometime are very apparent to me even now. </p>
<p>I’m so sorry, dharma. It’s hard to get one’s mind around how quickly an elder’s health can deteriorate from robust good health to suddenly being gone. I wish you and your family peace.</p>
<p>Dharma, sending you peace and comfort. You were a good daughter to your mom.</p>
<p>^^^^Yes, Dharma, you were.</p>
<p>Condolences also to you, Knitkneelionmom.</p>
<p>Hugs</p>
<p>Sounds like moving away was a good decision for you, @eyemamom </p>
<p>When DH and I got married (right after graduating from college) we moved 4 1/2 hours away from our families. It was the best decision for us - no question about it. After having children (and the only grandchildren on both sides at that time), we decided that we could move back after being away for about 12 years. We had learned how to stand on our own two feet by that time (and not get sucked into our parents demands) so the move worked fine for us and our kids grew up knowing their grandparents. But moving away for a time was essential for us. </p>
<p>Namaste - dharma…</p>
<p>Sorry to read about your troubles, eyemamom. Oh, my goodness.</p>
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<p>Yes, I understand.</p>
<p>Thanks to the many of you who offered condolences. </p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your loss Dharma. May the day of her service be one filled with love. Hugs for all of us that have lost a love one now that we’re in the throes of the holidays. As I was putting up the ornaments on my Christmas tree I started feeling melancholy as I looked at the dog house ornament with our old dogs picture in it, and then I put up the fruitcake ornament that reminded me of my Dad. My Dad loved fruitcake. Then there were all the little children ornaments… Funny how tears can be both happy and sad.</p>
<p>eyemamom, You posed an interesting question regarding how we feel towards keeping a parent “entertained”. I live two hours away, as does my sister. My parents were a team but my father was the driver. He was the one that made the plans and looked forward to the days events, whether it was the senior center or a doctors appointment. After he passed my Mom didn’t quite know what to do with her time. I think she felt she deserved a break, and she did. But, my Dad was the one that called people and planned things. Now her days seem to revolve around small shopping outings, watching the birds, feeding some stray cats and playing on her ipad. I don’t have a clue as to how to get her more active from a distance. She says she’s lonely but isn’t interested in making the effort to change anything. It’s a conundrum. </p>
<p>Peace Dharma especially today with the lovely service you have helped fulfill. It sounds like you had great closure with a pleasant visit and your mom making some connection, and also D1 there too. D1 certainly understands a lot of the family dynamics and understands your efforts with the care of your mother. Glad you have been able to appreciate the artistic gifts your mother had and seeing the positive side of her life.</p>
<p>I caught a glimmer of my mom on the last phone conversation 6 days before she died (dementia; I live 750 miles away). Like you Dharma, that connection felt good.</p>
<p>Sending hugs to all others having the extra family dynamics and issues going on.</p>
<p>Hugs to you Dharma and family, and thank you for updating all of us. May she rest in peace knowing that you were a good daughter.</p>
<p>Dharma, sending my thoughts, prayers and a hug. I’m glad that your sister had a good visit with both of you. You worked so hard to give her the best options this past year, that must offer you great comfort and peace.</p>
<p>Dear Dharma, thank you for pausing in what must be a tumultuous time to let us know about your mother’s passing. You have been so generous, and unguarded, in sharing this journey. I know I’m not the only one who has learned, resonated, sympathized–and felt grateful to be part of this supportive community. I echo what’s been posted by so many already; you were a good daughter in difficult circumstances. Please keep coming back to share what the next weeks and months bring.</p>
<p>I’ve come back to tell you about the service, which was remarkable, and the reception that followed at my house.
I think I told you that the priest is new to the parish, young, and from India. While we were seated she shook hands with each of the five of us and talked personally to each girl, asked their names etc. He opened with a prayer and invited me to speak. Always in control, my mother had written her own eulogy, sadly (at least it seemed to me), it was dominated by what was uppermost in her life, her career as an artist. I think the first two sentences were “A was an artist all her life and was an art teacher. She was also a wife, a mother and a grandmother.”</p>
<p>But before I read her eulogy I spoke myself and was so pleased that I hadn’t lost my ability to talk extemporaneously because I haven’t taught in so long. Later everyone told me I did a great job. The service was deeply, seriously, Roman Catholic. After opening prayers, DD1 read the reading from the Old Testament and she read slowly, which was good, and DD2 read Psalm 23. I had made all three girls practice but I hadn’t heard them practice. I was in awe of how well DD3 read the psalm, slowly, with inflection, emphasizing important words; pausing at just the right turn of words. It was exceptional. I had no idea that at age 12 she could stand before a (small) crowd and read so confidently. DD2 read the beautiful third reading, a letter from St. Paul.</p>
<p>I was blown away by the priest’s earnest insistence that Adele was now in heaven with her loved ones, his certainty, and his earnestness in having everyone attending believe. His delivery was so intensely heartfelt, you just had to believe him. We had a full Mass.</p>
<p>At the cemetery I asked Fr. T to say a prayer for my son, who is buried very near his grandfather and now grandmother, of course, and Fr. T said a long beautiful prayer and sprinkled the site with holy water. And then he read the burial service for my mother.</p>
<p>As I told you, I had covered every surface of the living room and dining room–except for the seats of course–with photos of my parents and my mother’s artwork. Everyone was in awe. Our deli made delicious small sandwiches and everyone had liquid refreshments. As he always does with old people, my husband addressed my mother’s 86 year old cousin and asked to to talk about her memories of Adele, so that was a good move and a necessary reflection and tribute. Otherwise, it was a party, and my four close girlfriends hung out together in the living room and we couldn’t talk enough. They were the last to leave, around 6.</p>
<p>We had a light/comic moment when I secretly went to my mother’s young (male) friend S and my strong cousin J and sent them to my husband’s office to take the broken, humongous, industrial printer that had been sitting on the floor for three years because my husband can’t lift it.He innocently accepted it as a free gift from a friend, and it was nothing but trouble, broken and useless from the start. I told the men to put it in the back of my van–I slipped outside and opened the back of the van. My husband caught them in the act and said no you don’t !but I insisted and DH gave in easily. I will take it to the dump this morning, and I know the manager who sits in the office will lift it out for me.</p>
<p>So today begins a new life.</p>