Hugs to you, eyemamom. We all do the best we can given the circumstances, which, unfortunately, can change faster than we can keep up with.
Shellfell - that sums it up perfectly. It is so difficult - and their needs change so rapidly. And it is tough when they are critical of our best efforts. Very challenging time.
Yes, RVM. Dealing with aging parents makes dealing with the terrible 2’s or surly adolescents seem like a walk in the park. What goes on with our parents (and in-laws) is far less predictable and, usually, more serious.
Hugs to all today. It seems like so much happens during and following holidays and stressful periods.
Hugs all. I am traveling and following along. Don’t like typing on the iPad much but wanted to send my encouragements to all. ER is scary and tough. I see people doing a great job and you AND your siblings, ILs and spouses should be proud of what you accomplish not what got lost in the commotion. It is not easy and I don’t see anyone here that should have real regrets. I have regrets that it turned out this way, but no regrets for what I did to make it the best outcome for ALL concerned, and I hope you all think that too, when you get a chance to reflect and catch your breath.
Massive hugs.
Hugs to everyone. I don’t know how some people juggle it all. All these stories do make me question whether DH and I are saving enough for care/living arrangements for ourselves. I don’t want to burden my kids but even with the $$ there are still myriad decisions that have to be made
Eso, shellfell, LF, and others say it well. This is a uniquely challenging task, and there’s nothing in our earlier lives which prepared us for it. None of us have enough time, energy, money, foresight, or knowledge to do this job perfectly, or anything close to perfectly. We do what we can, we learn as we go. We here are lucky that we have a wonderful group overflowing with information, insight, and support. That’s more than most people in our situation can say. Our parents don’t know how incredibly fortunate they are that we CCers have found each other.
Speaking from my own experience – in the long, long run, all that matters is that you were there for someone you love. Despite the daily problems and frustrations – and they are considerable – I believe that what our parents ultimately feel deep down is the love part. If I had a nickel for every mistake I’ve made in the last 5 years, I’d be a rich woman. I think of all the times I snapped at my dad, or didn’t ask the right questions at a doctor appointment, or was too busy to simply hang out with him. But then I think of his big smile of greeting whenever I visited. I think of something he said to me near the end, which I will never share with anyone. And then I know that all those mistakes fell by the wayside, and that I did the most important thing: I was there.
So we handle the daily problems as best we can. We try to anticipate the disaster we know is lurking around the next corner. We try to keep our impatience in check. In the midst of all that, we try to keep our own equilibrium. We’re not always successful, not by a long shot. But we’re there, in the trenches, showing them that we love them by our efforts and by our presence.
Well said, LasMa.
Like like like, LM.
Thanks everyone for the kind words. My sister is taking emergency family leave, I’ll go back up next week if I need to. I honestly wasn’t sure if she’d make it through the night. My other sister wants to avoid the hospital - odd little fun fact - her son is trying out for a mlb team and leaves in a few days and doesn’t want to get him sick. Today the dr’s are saying the fluid is around the heart and are giving her iv lasix (with a catheter thank goodness) and it should take care of it in 24 - 48 hours. I’m unsure of the rest of everything. When my sister walked in this morning they were taking my mom for an ekg and she asked her where she was 
That made me cry. Hubby tried to tell me that sounded fairly common given her age, her condition and how frantically it all went down with how anxious she’d been about the move. The bright side is her ccrc has a health floor, so when she’s released from the hospital she has a set place to go before going back (hopefully) to her apartment. She looked like a weak little kitten when I was there - couldn’t really even pick up her feet to lay on the couch. Thankfully I bought her a la z boy for christmas that just got delivered that she just has to push a button and I bought her a bed frame that is really low on the ground that has an adjustable head and feat with a remote.
Hugs, eyemamom.
What I am learning right now is that there can be gradual improvement after a large decline. M-i-l is doing well in rehab - both physically and mentally. Huge improvement from last 2 weeks. Still will need assisted living, but we are all feeling much more optimistic. Toured two assisted living facilities today - we all preferred the same one! - and they send a rep to the rehab to evaluate her and make sure assisted living is the right placement. So - hoping her improvements stay constant and she does well with her evaluation Monday.
I have to add - for those who mentioned costs - the assisted living we toured today - both places - for a one bedroom with private bath - ran close to $6000/month. Mind-boggling.
I went out for dinner with my wonderful husband tonight. We talked about retirement, plans, dreams. We’ve been married for 30 years. I mentioned that I want a good retirement, but I also know that of my sisters, I’m the one who has the extra to be able to help mom (and one of my sisters, should she need it). I worry. He is fully in agreement. We are so fortunate, and being able to help if it is needed is a wonderful thing.
It took a great weight off my shoulders.
Mom is doing better in her independent living apartment. She wants to get back to the dining room. Yay. Next step is getting her to the exercise/balance classes. Older D, who is planning on being an OT, will go to the first few classes with her and help with the overall exercise plan.
FIL is thisclose to losing his driving privileges. We are worried.
Quick question – I’m purging my mom’s files, and I ran across the purchase documents for their last house. They sold it in 2010. It includes the purchase agreement, the deed (they paid cash for it in 1989), escrow docs, stuff like that. Do I need to keep any of it, or can I shred it?
And what about property tax records (taxes they paid while they owned the house)?
I would hold onto the paperwork. Isn’t there an exemption you can take one time for the sale of the house for capital gains? At the very least hold onto everything for 7 years.
Eyemamom, I’m so glad you posted yesterday. I was getting worried about your Mom! I was struck by how you really thought of everything from the adjustable bed to the lazyboy chair. You are one good daughter!
Speaking of papers - That’s going to be another nightmare of disposal for my Mom. My father was somewhat of a paper hoarder. After he passed away we managed to throw away one small filing cabinets worth of paper, including hundreds of AAA maps, some 20-40 years old. We’ll move one small filing cabinet to my sisters basement, but it’s going to be a struggle to go through it all.
papers are the worst! But so cool to hold onto some of them. My sister talked to our paternal grandfather before he died and saved lots of our family papers. When she died I took the box and stuffed it away. As part of our purge and clean out caused by purge and clean out of Mom’s house (yeah, paper was important to both Mom and Grandma, when we got down to maternal grandfather’s funeral flower card things we knew we were near the end. He died in 1965) But back to box, we now are going through the box from sister and found a deed to a farm in Kansas ORIGINAL, signed by Chester Author. Anyone know who he was? hint, president. The really cool thing is that deed has the same name as my nephew, so that has a place to go.
But speaking of other papers, what has saved my mind is DH got a scanner, a good one, and he (mostly he) scanned EVERYTHING. then I can still feel I have it and in down time I go in and poke at it and title it and sort them. Eventually I hope to be able to make a file for all the next generation. But a big disk is a lot easier to store and move than a file cabinet. For the cost, scanner has been the best thing ever! Now I don’t worry about some of the “old” tax records or stuff. Holding onto a few deeds is easy when it isn’t surrounded by files and files of crud.
We are also scanning old photos before they degenerate completely.
I had a lot of photos I wanted to scan to preserve, and I found a variety of people willing to do it for me at a very low cost. I am on a local (NYC) Yahoogroup for parents of teens and posted there about the job. Much better to have them on a flash drive than in a box next to the scanner!
Funny not so funny story, D brought a scanner to have at her grandfathers home (94) to scan old photos for herself when visiting. He mostly lived with his second wife (now deceased) and his home was broken into. The only thing that was stolen was the $99 scanner which was pretty much the only thing that came even close to this century.