For my son’s wedding, my inlaws made an arangement for my FIL to have a caregiver with him. MIL was there also but she could not manage FIL alone so the caregiver was a perfect solution.
Sadly a year later, he was not able to attend at all as he was in a rehab facility at that time. We looked into having him come to the ceremony so he’d only be gone for a few hours, but medicare did not allow that (if he’d left for any reason , even for just an hour, he would have to reapply for admission to the facility. There was a lot of red tape involved, so we did not pursue that option). Instead the caregiver sat with him and he could watch in his iPad (his DIL was at the ceremony videoing it on her iPhone). My daughter and her new husband stopped by at the rehab facility on the way to the reception. It was only for about 5 minutes as that’s all the time they had, but it was a total surprise for him. And it was fun for the residents to see a bride and groom at the facility!
So in this way, we were able to include him. Had he not been nearby, this would not have been an option.
Just saying that at D1’s college graduation, I sat behind an elderly grandma who “had to” be there. You get there early for a seat, it was too warm, she couldn’t hear and spoke loudly , she was thirsty, she needed the bathroom ( which had a very long line,) and of course she couldn’t see much (none of us could, but we could lean around or angle ourselves, as needed.) Her family was very gracious about her needs. But I don’t think she “enjoyed” herself.
We can find other ways to include them. Eg, a family celebration dinner at home. And sometimes, at home, they can actually enjoy more. If it’s the inclusion that matters, nothing wrong with picking an easier way than a complicated, exhausting road trip.
I have been visiting senior living options, looking for a place for my folks and it is remarkable how similar it is to college shopping. (Forgive me i I already said all this. Maybe I said it on Facebook). The admissions people talk about how I should come back and have a meal and I make a point to check out the bulletin boards for activities. All things I do on college visits! They even have meal card swipes at some places. They also have the decorated model “dorm” room, and at two places they gave me baked goods at the end of my tour, just like at one of the colleges I visited.
On a more serious note, it’s tough looking for a place. My mom is very active and vital and looks nothing like the residents I have met on tours. In fact, she is usually the person volunteering to lead a group or play cards etc at a senior place. But my dad has a brain injury which has made him very dependent on her to manage his Type 1 diabetes. So I think they need to move to a place with less housework and more help for dad; where mom can arrange for an on site aide to take him to a meal or meeting while she gets a break. I just don’t think she would be happy giving up her house but I see no alternative. In home aides are good but they do not replace the socialization I believe my dad needs and would get in a senior community, plus the peace of mind of nurses near by, PT on site etc.
As to bringing them to graduations and such, I am avoiding thinking about it for now
@bookreader, a young bride and groom at a rehab facility! What a lovely surprise for everyone! My mom is in independent living at a CCRC, and she gets so tired of being surrounded by old people. She gets out every chance she gets. Having a young couple show up at a place like that on their wedding day would give everyone a huge smile. It seems the older elders no longer have the patience for young children, but young adults are a big hit.
I can picture the bride and groom at the place- so cool!
D’s good friend lived in Florida with her boyfriend. When they got married they chose Texas because that is where her elderly grandmother lived and they knew that she would not be able to travel to the wedding in FL. The grandmother was excited. Well, you can see where this is going, when it came to the wedding (which had less people than they would have had in FL) the grandmother decided that it was too much to travel and she did not go. It was 2 hours away by car and there were offers to drive her at her time line by relatives to and from the wedding if she did not want to stay overnight. She did not go.
OH my. That is a truly sad story. It just grieves me and I’m sure that it grieved many who attended that wedding. I do wonder if there were inklings beforehand that the grandmother was so selfish.
In reading the posts about elderly parents and travel, I remembered a situation that happened with my husband and his mother.
My husband was going to fly to Asia and my MIL wanted to go. She had been raised in Asia for part of her life and was interested in the opportunity to go back.We’d noticed that her health had declined (during her years as a caretaker for her husband, she hadn’t really taken care of herself healthwise) and wondered if she was up for such a grueling amount of travel. I don’t remember if we came up with the idea or if it was her idea, but anyway, she did go to the doctor and asked about flying to Asia. Her doctor let her know that she’d need to travel with oxygen (she doesn’t need oxygen in her daily life, but evidently if you have COPD to the degree that she does, you may need it). This forced her to face the seriousness of her COPD and it also put an end to her idea of travel - and we weren’t the ones who had to tell her no to travel.
So a doctor visit (and making sure that the doctor is asked about a possible travel plan) can be one way to handle this issue.
D’s preschool was adjacent to a retirement home, and the preschoolers would go over for trick-or-treat, Valentine’s Day and one day in the spring. You could just see the folks light up.
There was a Girl Scout troop which adopted Mom’s AL on Halloween and several other holidays. They’d go door to door and give the residents cards they’d made, and usually a little candy.
D’s dance group used to perform at several nursing homes. Talk about an appreciative audience! The director would always tailor the program to the residents’ musical tastes. Lots of show tunes and standards, not so much funk and pop.
Our local HS does a first night play/musical performance for local seniors. First the key clubs hosts a free dinner (I think there’s a free will offering) and then they see the play or musical at the reduced senior citizen price. The senior audience is always the most supportive and it’s a great way for the kids get in what amounts to as a final run before the regular audience.
We took my mom on a flight to attend my son’s college graduation and I know she had no clue what we sacrificed in doing so. I’m glad we did, but I wish it could have been different in many ways. It was a difficult time as our son was splitting up with his college girlfriend and he was also moving. We needed to offer him more support.
If you have siblings, a great gift to them is to volunteer to be the minder for elderly parents at truly special events. I try to take our mom to special events for my brother’s kids and he tries to return the favor. We don’t have as much emotional needs at those times as our sibling does and it is a win-win situation. Of course it’s not always feasible, but it’s nice when it works out.
speaking of musical performances, goskid#1 had a service group that played their instruments at senior homes when in junior high. Seniors loved it, especially when music from their “era” was played. One time, goskid and friend started playing a big band type song. Another Mom and I were slightly mortified when we realized the song…
Duke Ellington’s “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore”
Surfcity, at my parent’s retirement center, there are many mentally and physically vigorous residents. I would look around and I bet you can find one so your mom can find some “peers.”
When D was very young the studio she danced at always presented a mini recital at a local nursing home. The residents loved it. One mom told me she didn’t let her daughter do it because it upset her D to see the seniors. I think it actually upset the mother. It was her loss though. My D enjoyed it.
Later on my uncle lived in a nursing home due to a severe stroke. Whenever we were in the midwest my kids always looked forward to visiting him there. And I know he loved seeing them.
I am with you, FG. Great experience for your daughter. Think it is important to gain comfort and understanding with elders. I did not feel a need to protect our kids from most of the aging issues; we wanted them to be able to offer assistance and cheer as indicated, both to relatives and others. As young adults they have risen to many occasions with their grandparents and are happy to do so.
We are forthright with them about grandparents’ health issues and let them know how we are thinking about decisions. I hope that as they face us/eventual in-laws aging, the perspectives will be useful.
Thinking out loud here…my parents (mid-80s) live 20 minutes from us and own a condo. It is not a building designed for seniors. My father is in poor health and I would be surprised if he lived beyond this year. My mother is in good health, but has extremely poor vision and is very stooped over. She has not driven in years and even walking is getting to be a challenge. I am thinking a lot about what happens after my father passes away. I have a hard time picturing my mother living alone - she is not a very independent person - I will be constantly schlepping back and forth to her condo to take her shopping, to dr appts, etc. They have very few friends left in the bldg as most have moved or died - they do not seem to be making any new friends as those moving in are generally in their 60s or younger. I picture her spending a lot of time alone in her condo after he passes.
So today, after taking her out, I was driving home when I realized there is a 62+ rental community 2 minutes from my home. I drive past it daily, but never paid much attention. Now I think I want to tour it, see what the waiting list is like, etc. It would certainly be easier for me to have her 2 minutes away when the time comes - helping her daily would be much more feasible and I like the idea of having the condo sold and her downsized a bit. I think after the transition, she would have more friends and activities in a 62+ facility. I could easily pick her up and bring her to our house for dinner a few nights, etc. and if she needed a quick bit of help with something, it would be so easy to drive 2 minutes rather than 20.
The major con will be the hassle of convincing her to sell the condo where they have lived for the past 20 years and move - I predict she will be very resistant. I am not going to mention my idea for now - just planning to tour the place. Does this idea make sense? Any considerations I am overlooking?
rockvillemom, I think it’s a good idea to look. And if it ever happens that your mom complains about the hardships of daily living and/or if a situation arises when she or they wish you were moments away rather than 20 minutes, you could mention it, casually.
When my dad and stepmother were in their mid-80s, I took him to see an independent senior living place. He was all for it, was tired of the burdens of home ownership but she didn’t agree and he deferred to her objection. By the time the decision would have been ,my dad’s to make, she was too far gone to qualify for living there and he was overwhelmed at the thought of moving. So we missed our opportunity. You just never know.
I had thought that it they missed a great opportunity to find new friends and develop some kind of social life, but in retrospect, I think that beyond a certain age, it just doesn’t happen. And they were able to stay in their house until he died and afford the luxury of live-in help for my stepmother, who really needed it. For them, I think it was the best situation, but who knows? I think that for most people, there are not too many pluses to the final declining years, no matter where they live.
Thank you. I do think there is a window of opportunity to relocate elderly parents when they are still with it enough to make new friends and get some enjoyment out of their new surroundings. Wait too long, and it becomes so much harder to adjust. I feel like I might be a little selfish with this idea, as it is as much for my convenience, but if I am to be the sole caregiver, maybe that’s ok? I do plan to check the place out this month. Just having some semblence of a plan makes me feel better.
(Forgive me i I already said all this. Maybe I said it on Facebook). The admissions people talk about how I should come back and have a meal and I make a point to check out the bulletin boards for activities. All things I do on college visits! They even have meal card swipes at some places. They also have the decorated model “dorm” room, and at two places they gave me baked goods at the end of my tour, just like at one of the colleges I visited.