Yes, yes, yes, that’s ok!!! What would they do if you weren’t available? It’s very hard to find the right balance but don’t feel guilty, no, no, no!
Sounds great rockville, can you just walk around or would you have to make an appointment? Average age would be good to know.
I’m going to call and make an appt - I want to see everything and ask a lot of questions. Having just had the experience of a very rushed (one day) search process for AL for m-i-l, I am thrilled to be able to do a search for my mother in a more leisurely fashion. It might be a year away - but it will calm some of my concerns to have a plan in place.
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It took 6 years to get my mom to agree to move. I was afraid we were actually too late when she went to the hospital this past time with so many things wrong. She’s now strong and in her apartment. She’s been fighting it a little. But then she had lunch with my sisters friends mom, she recognizes several people from the community, and now her friends love coming over - one of them came to brunch today.
If she hadn’t improved it still would have been better than being alone with zillions of aides and all of us in a daily tizzy over how to get everything taken care of while watching her have a terrible quality of life.
Now we have all the resources available and she’s living independently without aides because all the aides did was what this facility offered - overseeing meds, cleaning her apartment, weekly laundry and changing sheets, two separate restaurants, and a medical clinic - all in house. Think now - the sole caretaker of an elderly parent is a more than a full time job.
rockville- agree with others. It is great to look pro-actively, gather info that helps rule places in or out, and know answers to anticipated worries or questions from your mother. Selfish? No. I think it is optimal and realistic that the plans work for both the elder and the caregiver. None of us have that crystal ball of how things will unfold or what precisely will be asked of us. We also don’t know what challenges we or our family members might face independent of the elder. My parents appreciated being situated in a place that worked for me; both for my sake and how it maximized what I could actually do to help. Yes, look. Rule in and rule out. You being grounded is a huge gift to your parent.
Yes, it’s absolutely OK. More than OK, in fact. I think “convenience” is the wrong word. As she ages, you’re going to have to become more and more involved in her daily life. You’ll need to be available for her, and realistically, that’s just not going to be as doable if you’re looking at a 40-minute round trip every time. Arrangements HAVE to work for the caregiver as well as the parent. Don’t expect her to understand or agree with that, but know it.
You’ve been around this thread for a while, and you know that caregiving children like us have a big challenge keeping our own lives going on an even keel sometimes. It’s vital to do everything you can to facilitate the even keel. It’s for her benefit too. You’re going to be able to see her more often if she’s right around the corner.
This preemptive strike you’re doing is a great idea. You may want to look at a couple of others in your immediate area as well.
Rockvillemom, you know how the traffic is around here…that 20 minutes can easily turn into 45. I think it’s a great idea, and since you are the one bearing the brunt of this, I think you get to call the shots.
Rockvillemom, certainly planning ahead is a good idea. From what you say, I wonder if a 62 plus community will have enough resources for your mom. I know I looked at one with my folks, both physically very vigorous, and we all decided it wouldn’t have enough resources for care “down the road.” It really is nice to have a place that provides at least one meal a day.
I was thinking that too. After our experience with my m-i-l, I was positive that a CCRC with both IL and AL was the only way to go. But given how close this place is - I am assuming she would have dinner with us. I could actually walk there! So, still going to check it out, if mostly out of curiosity.
My sister could walk to my mom’s apartment. Be very realistic with yourself on if you’ll really want to go see your mom every day and manage her needs alone. What I’ve seen for myself is how much more dependent my mom is on my sister for a lot of social things as well. After living through what we did for the past year and a half with my mom, it really does take a village. The big issue we ran into was a double move. We moved her out of her long time 3 story place in July, she went to the hospital in September and it basically made independent living impossible. I had to force the issue to get her to move to this new facility and we weren’t able to get her in until last month. September - February was a nightmare. Let this story be a cautionary tale. Half measures for the elderly usually can lead to multiple moves which are very disconcerting for the elderly, and very difficult and a pain in the neck for their kids.
Having a parent live closer can really make a huge difference.
My parents were 20 min away and we were able to move them to a home on our street. Thankfully the move took plave before health challenges occurred because once the did, it was so much easier for us to care for them. My dad was at a nearby hosp (in their other home, he would have ended up at a hosp that is further from our home). Also, my dad prefers to call my DH whenever there is a medical problem and when this last happened, he was having a heart attack, My DH realized this and so was able to line up the help my dad needed immediatley. Had my dad lived in his old home, I shudder to think how that might have ended.
My parents were truly reluctant to move. They were living in the big home that I grew up in and the thought of moving/dealing with all their stuff was just overwhelming but they have since thanked us many times for convincing them to move.
My mom had a left brain stroke yesterday, thankfully her cleaning lady found her within we think an hour, she still had on her PJ’s but had some makeup and jewelry on, so we assume she was getting ready for Sunday breakfast out with friends. They didn’t give her the drug that they give immediately following a stroke because they didn’t know the timeline. Two of my siblings are with her and said about 9 hours after, she has begun to have some right side movement and is trying to talk, although it is unintelligible. Can any of you give me from your experience any insight of what is to come? I am the one out of 5 siblings who would be able to go out to take care of her indefinitely take care of her, as I have no husband or obligations where I am. My father passed away 2 years ago so she is alone. Btw, she is 78 and in excellent health…she can run circles around me in a mall, I am the one wanting to sit down for a break!
So sorry to hear, GAmom. But I believe it is too soon to know what healing may occur. We had a family situation where the docs said it can take 3-4-5 days, to see what markers of progress appear. Her otherwise good health is probably a good thing. Best to you.
GA2012Mom, sorry sorry sorry. I don’t have stroke experience so can’t help there, but sending you energy and support. and {{{gamom}}} hugs.
PM me GA2012mom
So sorry, Ga2012mom. The drug they give if caught early is TPA. They are now also experimenting with using coils, like they use with AVM’s (arterial-venous malformations) with some good results, depending on which kind of stroke it is. Coil might work with ischemic, but not hemmorhagic stroke.
GA2012mom - PM me. My dad had a right brain stroke with similar issues re: unknown timeline, so I might be able to help with some information.
GA2102, so sorry to hear this. I hope she bounces back quickly. My MIL had a life changing stroke many years ago and it was months before we knew what her new normal would be.
Hey, everybody, we are seeing the in laws this week and we are going to have a big talk. FIL is losing short term memory, but more difficult, he is acting angry and, well, paranoid. He would still pass a competency exam, but he is mad at everybody all the time and forgets what he has been told, then is mad that we are secretive, etc.
Any ideas as to the best things that can be offered to a senior to help with the erratic behaviors? I am thinking anti-anxiety meds could help. Any other ideas?
@somemom. Is there a medical reason FIL is losing ST memory? I’m familiar with this due to a brain injury but not sure if Alzheimer’s or other conditions, or just age, can create a deficit.
The docs have mentioned trying aricept for dad even though he does not have Alzheimer’s. Are you looking gorgeous something to help the memory or just the associated irritability. There are therapists who can help with strategies for coping too which might reliever underlying anger or fear.
Somemom,
He may not likely pass a competency exam. And if he acts surly and hostile with the examiner, that’s data too. Being competent to handle oneself does also involve being able to interact appropriately with others.