He is 90+ and he has had two small strokes, no obvious physical residuals, but he is vastly more erratic emotionally and he does not recall recent things & gets angry that he has not been told & he is just being weird.
Sorry about your mother, Gamom. I hope that your questions can be answered. This is so challenging. When my cousin faced this with his mother, the Docs gave him a specific time frame to expect improvement to occur if it was to happen at all. I don’t know if this is typical.
Somemom- has your fil had a neuro workup recently? Strokes can impact disposition, as can many other things. Sorry for what you are going through with this.
Well, he has had check ups, and his neurologist recently told him to go ahead and renew his driver’s license, so obviously that MD does not see what we see! I do not know the level of exams and tests he has had, though I know he did have an ED visit with an MRI diagnosed stroke a year or so ago and has had more small strokes or TIAs since, at least 1, maybe 2. He does not tell us this stuff unless he is forced to by other locals.
eyemamom - thanks for your insights - particularly with the double move. We just did that with m-i-l this past fall - from Florida condo to Dallas independent living -to hospital and rehab - to Dallas assisted living. An insane 6 months. So, I am thinking about that too. My mother has very poor vision - probably close to legally blind - so I accept the responsibility of being her primary helper after my father passes away. I just want to structure it in a way to be as easy for me as possible.
Thank you all for reassuring me that I am not being selfish. I appreciate it very much.
GA2012 - so sorry to hear about the stroke. My thoughts are with you and your mother for a meaningful, if not complete, recovery.
I never thought finding a senior living arrangement would be so complicated. I just heard for the second time, “wow, you really are in a tough situation,” from a sales person at a CCRC.
Mom is very independent but dad cannot administer his insulin. He cannot qualify for independent living at some places but he is not nearly frail enough or otherwise memory deficient enough to go to assisted living or even personal care. I want their quality of life to improve with a move, not diminish. I don’t think aides in the house are a long term solution at this time. So the original place I looked at seems to be the best bet after talking to several other communities.
Any other online resources you all use to negotiate elder care?
@surfcity - can your medical provider perhaps find an option like an insulin pump so that parents can stay more independent and also stay together as long as possible if one’s health declines more than the other? Can they afford the arrangement you have looked at?
@SOSConcern dad has a mild brain injury which prevents him from being able to calculate his insulin dose. He was on a pump prior to the accident. His docs don’t want to even try to reintroduce a pump like they use for Down syndrome patients with a lockout because he may try to pull it off or create more drama for my mom by insisting he knows how to use it. He is very compliant with the pen.
The irony is that he doesn’t know he has a brain injury. And 95% of the time it’s not evident to him or us. Just when dosing insulin or remembering glucose levels
And yes, as far as finances, I am doing a spreadsheet like I did for college apps. They have an insurance claim pending which should enable them to be able to afford a CCRC and supplemental nurse or aides should they need them.
Good luck @surfcity - sounds like you are doing the right things - using your head and your heart to guide you through this emotional process.
^^ yes I really don’t know how the average family can handle a lot of this. Luckily I am pretty educated in insurance and finance and have a good friend who’s a geriatrics MD. Plus I have a flexible job and can afford to visit places during the day. Plus plus my folks were very frugal and saved a lot to be able to afford to move.
I can’t imagine how people with fewer resources fare.
Agree completely. I had no idea how much a nice assisted living would cost. I nearly fell over with the $6000/month cost for m-i-l. She is 91. Hoping she does not outlive her funds. And this is why no one should count on an inheritance from their parents.
My FIL with non-Alzheimer’s dementia takes Aricept, and it does seem to help his short term memory.
My dad - no obvious dementia, but a lot of anxiety due to serious health problems - affected his mood and interactions with others, took Ativan with good results.
"I can’t imagine how people with fewer resources fare. "
They often end up like us - having a parent move in, unexpectedly. She could afford a few years in some type of facility - but she’s only 78 and healthy as can be, other than dementia/memory issues. I’d hate for her to spend 10-15 years in a facility (based on the longevity in her family).
@psychmomma it can go both ways for dementia/memory issues and seemingly healthy from the neck down. My mom was borderline with needing a pacemaker, but honestly we wanted her body to wear out as her mind did - and she did sign for no extraordinary measures. Went home from hospital approved for hospice on Thursday and died on Monday. Very peaceful. Hope for the best for your mom. My mom was 78, but she was on psych drugs for years which I am sure did have things progress more quickly.
I find the New York Times often has good articles on topics that would be of interest to readers of this thread. And since the topic of elderly and travel has come up:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/12/business/dealing-with-the-dreaded-bereavement-trip.html?_r=0
And this was a good one too:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/12/business/managing-estate-sales-becomes-big-business.html
I hope they find something at the ER, because we are all about to be on FIL’s bad list. Although his memory is getting a little fuzzy.
Last weekend, he mentioned that he sometimes feels the presence of MIL, who died 6 months ago. Maybe he loses something and asks her where it is, and then he finds it. Maybe he feels her hand on his shoulder at night. Ok, after 63 years of marriage that makes sense.
Yesterday morning, he told SIL that MIL was alive and in the house, hiding. He wanted to get her prescriptions filled and contact social security to tell them he was wrong about her death. BIL went over to find FIL in the basement looking for her. He also checked closets and the garage. He spent 3 hours last night sitting in the dark hoping he could hear her move so he could catch her. SIL finally got the doctor on the phone, and was told to get him to the ER. I went to the house this morning, and he was trying to find the number for the crematorium, so he could ask if perhaps she had revived on the way there. We told him that the doctor wanted him to go to the ER for tests, but hinted that it had to do with blood tests that were done earlier this week. He is now at the ER with DH and BIL, and knows why he is there.
I feel bad getting him there under somewhat false pretenses, but this is really scary and sad. I suggested checking for UTI, or a change in medicine. Not sure where this will go. He didn’t seem to remember me having been there last weekend. He remembered that DH had fixed something around the house, but told me about it as though it would be news, not as though I was there when it happened.
He went to the doctor Monday or Tuesday and claimed he got a clean bill of health. This is very confusing.
Oddly, these could be the symptoms of a UTI.
Awww. This is poignant and concerning, MomofJandL. In situations like this, I view finessing someone to the ER as kind and necessary. Regardless of the cause, one hates to picture someone in that anxious state of mind, alone, looking for their beloved.
I hope the family gets some answers that are helpful to all.
I’m also wondering about oxygen levels. MIL got pretty incoherent when she had pneumonia and her oxygen level was low, but was back to normal once it was treated. FIL has some kind of breathing difficulty, maybe COPD. He has used some free samples of an inhaler or something he got from the doctor’s office, but never gotten a prescription filled because his friend told him it’s very expensive. AAARRGGHH! He had to sit down to catch his breath a few times this morning just getting dressed and gathering his things.
I don’t see how he got through his check-up this week, although he does seem to present as sane and rational as long as the conversation stays on familiar subjects.
Momofjandl – I really hope your family gets some helpful information. How distressing for your FIL to be thinking that if only he looked a little harder he could find your MIL. 