You’re lucky you have choices surfcity! There are way more colleges than ccrc’s! So much of how much they’ll enjoy it is also based on their attitude.
I’d just start thinking about what’s a must, what’s nice to have. Sometimes the nice to have’s are what puts a place over the edge. Something I like about where my mom lives is how brightly lit and wide the hallways are, with handrails all around. There are even seats in the elevators and outside them.
These facilities can also help you with the various scenarios with your parents.
We thought about different scenarios too. Then the situations change so rapidly that most are just not predictable. My mother who is 92 is very agile but has dementia (I did not predict) so the needs are different than FIL who is not agile but no dementia. I think looking around and keeping your options wide open are a good idea. Getting my mother to move to an assisted living- well she had not choice. FIL on the other hand will be a struggle coming up soon. If they are onboard for a move is very helpful.
I’ve been over at the thread about the guy who was accused of raping his wife who had dementia. I don’t want to rehash the arguments here, but I’m so confused. Ignoring that particular case, I can’t figure out in my mind how demented is too demented for sex. And does it matter if you had a relationship with the potential partner before you became incapacitated?
I am lucky to have choices. It’s a little complicated because my mom is absolutely fine and would be fine in their small house. She loves to garden, loves to cook and be out in the community. It’s only because the steps are becoming too much for dad,and she needs to give him insulin 4 x a day that they need to move. Several places have only kitchenettes. She will have to give up so much that we were not counting on. It’s very very hard for them to picture being in 900 sf with no garden, less privacy etc. I think it would be an easier transition if she were failing or frail.
But I am trying to think long term and obviously she will start declining at some point. Or rather,she’s not going to get MORE able and independent. Moving may actually improve her life over time as I can see the burden of the house and being responsible for dad starting to weigh on her.
My MIL was an avid gardener, both veggies and flowers. She had access to grow both at her CCRC. She has since given up the veggie garden (with included meals: less cooking, less need) but does some work on the flower beds outside her unit.
My grandmother’s IL apt was first floor, with a back door and patio. That made it feel like a home and feel larger. She grew things in pots and they let her take over a few feet of an adjoining garden. Pretty sweet. I loved that place.
Spreadsheets! Well whatever works. Moms small town didn’t have enough places to make a choice differential. Expensive and ok, medium expensive and slightly creepy, cheap and shoot me now .
We got Mom in by basically lying and saying she could go home when her leg healed…she had knee replacement surgery and never went home from it as I spent more time with her and got my brother to finally realize it was past time.( note for the new people who didn’t know the story). I bring it up now because her tune has changed completely, she is making a point to say she is very comfortable there and blah blah blah. I think my bro scared her when he took he to his house for Easter and talked to her a little about moving closer to him. We both live 400 miles away and it would be good to be able to check on her more often.
Regarding the dementia and rape… Well the case under discussion was family against a second husband. But I know it can and does happen. One problem we saw with Mom is that she wanted to please people and couldn’t say NO… That is how handyman really helped himself! And then an old neighbor wanted to take her out, we thought Great! He took her for drives, eat. Then he took her out took long and we began to think he was as demented as she is, but in better denial. So we asked him to just visit her there in the place. And the nurse found them in bed…
When I asked her if it was what she really wanted, she denied it and was pretty upset. And when I had the nurse ask her, she REALLy the strongly said she didn’t want to see him! So we banned him from seeing her, which only lasted a few months because he didn’t winter in her town. But we never would have called it rape because I know she didn’t tell him NO!.. And he just passed away, so now that is one less worry. STDs are rampant in AL places, too, so keep an eye on that.
In the sex & dementia case, the woman had entered her care facility already not knowing how to dress herself, not recognizing what silverware was for, and thinking the toilet bowl was for handwashing. And then, from that not so high level, she had a steep cognitive decline. So her dementia was severe at that point. OTOH, she was glad to see her husband, and physically demonstrative with him. So, I don’t know, I guess it was OK, even though the doctor had said she was below the level of competency for sex.
I had a great long talk over the phone with my mom last night, and she had quite a bit to say about a new male friend, though she denied any romantic intentions. It’s possible the guy is married; she didn’t say. But maybe this issue will become salient for her. She is currently not too badly affected by her dementia.
LF, can your mother really plan and execute this move on her own, or is it just magical thinking? Can you stand by watching her go through with it without trying to help? This sounds frustrating.
@surfcity, you can do the spreadsheets and I’ll enjoy it vicariously. We have some very luxurious retirement homes, some with life care options, around here. SIL was suggesting one to FIL because of the particular denominational affiliation, but hadn’t looked into pricing, so I called a few places and put together a quick analysis. FIL would pile the money in the back yard and burn it before he would spend that much on living expenses, even if he has it to spend. Which no one really knows, because at 85 he’s not yet ready to let his kids look into his finances.
In response to SIL’s repeated suggestions that he consider moving (partly she is concerned for safety, partly for his mental and emotional support after losing MIL) he has dug in firmly that he is not moving. Well, that makes things easier. The only places to consider are the ones that you can move into for AL or memory care, no need to consider a CCRC arrangement. In the meantime I put in my quickie analysis that I sent out to the siblings the projected cost of in home care when it is needed, just to help get them used to the fact that this is not going to be cheap.
H has to take a week off around Memorial Day, which actually may be a blessing, as he can travel to parents and do fix up/handyman things around their home. Another brother and SIL will be visiting at that time, and another brother lives close. So they can have family time together. Telling H to call other brother who lives 5 hours drive away - never know when they can all get together, and it would make his parents very happy. Trying to find great/better airfares. Any recommendations on good airline search sites?
Yes, I’ve gone exclusively to google flights and I check Southwest which doesn’t show up on search engines.
My parents have gardening facilities at their CCRC. One reason my thrifty father considered a CCRC is we added up all the monthly expenses they were already paying. Once that was added up, it became clear that a CCRC was not much more. Being there has allowed them to stay independent for longer than they could trying to live at home. Bills are almost non-existent with just one monthly bill from the CCRC covering all expenses. One big meal a day is perfect as they can maintain some independence by preparing canned soup and salad at home and someone else makes them a nice meal “out.” Their doctor is on the CCRC campus. Their CCRC campus is part of a bigger planned community that they can walk the 1/4 mile to the grocery store, the bank, and their dentist.
Such a place is a blessing for the children and my parents desire not to be a burden to their children is what made the decision to move (my dad’s official diagnosis of Alzheimer’s pulled the trigger). Knowing it wasn’t a financially crazy idea helped.
After watching the movie " bag it" which demonstrated the concerns about plastic lined cans, leaking Bpa, I’ve been avoiding canned foods. http://www.bagitmovie.com/
There is a wealth of information about how prevalent BPa is - 90% of Americans have detectable limits in our blood.
I wonder if elderly people ( like my father in law - advanced alzheimers) consume a dangerous amount of Bpa through their diet of almost daily canned soup. We spent the last two weeks in my in laws home, they are now in asssited living, and all the huge supply of SAMS quantities of foods were also expired- 2008- 2011…ugh.
So, I just found out that my 84-year-old father fell off a step ladder chair today - trying to fix a broken kitchen cabinet hinge. This is his 5th fall in the past few months - some doing ordinary walking - but most doing things he should no longer be doing. He cannot accept that he is unable to do these things. He did not break anything, but is very banged up. They live in a condo and could have waited a few hours for the maintenance man to come up and fix it. I cannot get through to them - he could have broken bones - or even had a fatal head injury. I threatened to take away the step ladder chair! What else can I do?
@rockvillemom I’m not sure what you can do. My late MIL refused to do a lot of things we asked her to, when she became dependent on oxygen, would not move to one floor despite having all her toes amputated. Would insist on carrying her laundry basket down stairs with O2 tubing etc.
At some point we had to say to ourselves, it’s her life. If she is willing to risk serious harm or death, there’s not much we can do to stop it. It’s still a very selfish thing for the aging parent to do, IMHO, but you cannot control everything unfortunately.
My dad is 78, on blood thinners, and still uses serious power saws for woodworking. He also climbs, gets on the floor, under the car, etc. to fix things (despite the knee replacement). He and my mom had a nice little ground floor condo which would be the perfect size for him. He just sold the place. No workshop area for his power tools, etc. At least he now lets someone else drive after dark or on long trips. He says he will never go to an AL facility. He has no real desire to preserve himself to a fine old age.