One advantage of dementia. My parent’s have no recollection of the things we threw out 
@somemom you think things through logically like my DH does. He suggested moving the essentials (bed, dresser, clothes) now and then I can go thru the rest of their stuff at the old place (without them there!) and donate or move to storage.
Similar to GTalum, but my folks don’t have dementia, once they moved they do really forget about most things. The emotional part is looking at the item and having to say, Oh give it away. That is hard. For example, they cannot take their large end tables which are very fancy and do not fit in the new place. Mom realizes that but she then said, “Oh I remember when your dad and I bought them for our first apartment!”
If I move them and they get used to not seeing those pieces every day, it will be easier to donate/sell them in a month or two I think.
@walkinghome, exactly! There is such a huge volume of things, in hindsight there are things I got rid of which I wished I had kept and vice versa. It’s difficult to make so many decisions under such pressure. And, like you, nothing important, just sentimental.
I also, when moving my parents, stepped back and let Sis1 handle the stuff at their house, trying to be inclusive and not take over everything. That was a big mistake because I am the one they kept asking where things were and I had no clue about the stuff at her house, only the stuff at the new place.
I stored things from my mom’s in my garage - so I have been parking outside (which is not bad in AL, would not be pleasant in the north…). I have tried to keep sentimental items. Now I am ready to go through some of it.
One can only do what one can do.
My in-law’s home will stay in the family. One son/DIL had them slowly go through stuff stored in their basement. So when they both pass (which I expect will happen within the next 10 years as they both are 88, and 10 years is older than older relatives have lived), the spoken for things can go to the grandchildren for the most part - which would be china and crystal.
Everything happened so fast with my dad that a lot of his junk from his house and his office ended up in my garage (which drives my husband crazy). I keep hinting to my sister that maybe she could come down and help go through it, but she doesn’t get the hint.
Bff has been doing the ‘parents’ stuff in her garage’ for 15 years. Consider just tackling it.
A bunch of my mom’s things are still in storage in AZ, but it’s like $45/mo, maybe a small truck or even a van load. Neither my bro nor I have any desire to go clear it out, but the low annual cost buys us time.
Unfortunately, for good pieces, we had to do consignment there, where no one wants the style. I try not to dwell on that.
My in-laws house is 100 miles from my parents’ home (both my parents are deceased and the house got sold) so when my brother had the estate sale, I was able to take what could fit in my Highlander to my in-laws and store in their basement until another visit. It was Mother’s Day weekend and the three of us had a lovely time together. Then I could load up the things to take to my garage 800 miles away. The furniture pieces to my in-laws are now in my home - my dad owned a construction company/cabinet shop, and a cherry coffee table and two end tables that were made in the 60’s for their home now are in my family room. Other special pieces went to other family members. I wish I had room for my mom’s sewing table/cabinet, but that will just have to live in my memory (however I have her professional Bernina sewing machine from the 1960’s, and it is a ‘hot rod’ - purrs like an expensive car motor).
Just like doing one’s taxes - I have to be in the mood to go through the stuff, or have some kind of a deadline. I have good life balance now, so am more willing to do that grunt work and also get rid of some stuff.
@SOSConcern yep, you have to be in the mood. We had an extremely difficult 18 months of in laws failing and everything that goes along with that, way too many trips there plus multiple daily calls for months. The last one died 6 months ago, now th.at taxes are done, the house just sold, we are almost done with all the paperwork-even a well-planned estate just takes time- I am just now finally getting back to work on projects at my house that I began summer '15. It feels good to be in that mood again.
@surfcity on those personality tests I am definitely concrete-sequential, so very logical (Spock) so have to be careful not to dismiss others emotions, but then I can still surprise myself with my own emotions. There are several items of MILs that I put into the estate sale and which I wish I had snagged when they did not sell & went to the guy who just picks up the leftovers. I have enough of her doodads, but there were still some I would have kept. Emotions are weird!
@somemom after being a SAHM and dealing as best I can with being in the sandwich generation, I just thought the other day how happy I am, and it is re-found happiness from my happiest time married with kids.Regaining my health; being in a PT sunset career. Feel like all pistons are on ‘go’. Hope this feeling lasts, in part so I can get the grunt work done!
My sister and I are beginning the journey with our parents. My dad has been diagnosed with dementia for the last 7 or so years, and my mom is the main caregiver. She is now 80, and has intermittent health issues of her own. My dad is still somehow the one making the decisions, even though he is increasingly mentally and physically fragile. He also makes my mom’s life miserable if he doesn’t get his way.
Have any of you consulted a third party to try to advocate for a living situation change? What type of professional would I try to find?
Secondly, have any of you had success with a psychotherapist for a dementia patient - or perhaps a therapist for the caregiver? We are currently caught in a situation where my mom is enabling his irrational mind, and I just don’t know how to successfully support or intervene.
That’s a tough one @dfin2013 Both my parents have dementia, (as the same stage seemingly) but it is clearly my father who makes the decisions. If my mother did not have dementia, I’m sure it would still be my father making decisions as she is used to so many years of deferring to him. When my parents moved, my brother and I teamed up during the very early stages of dementia, when both were rational, and said “it’s time and let’s put the plans in place.” Doing it early, was a way we could continue to engage in the rational.
Is your mom in denial? Afraid of making decisions as he always made them? I do think there are senior life coaches that can help with such and maybe helpful for your mom. Sometimes, you can engage their doctor for a family conference. As to psychotherapy for the demented, I have only found that you can redirect the irrationality at the moment.
Something useful to help you and your sister, are Alzheimer’s family support groups. Look for some in your area, we have several and friends who have gone have found them very helpful. They well be able to tell you how to support or intervene.
IMHO I do not think therapy for the person with dementia is useful. However for the caregiver it can be very useful- such as giving them permission to hire some one a few hours a week so they can go out. Also teaching them how to redirect without getting upset or yelling at the person with dementia, and just plain venting not to a family member or friend. This could be a therapist who is a social worker or psychologist or psychiatrist. Usually they go in for the dementia patient but it ends up the conversation is between the caregiver and the therapist and the information goes right over the head of the person with dementia. And that is OK.
@GTalum, I do think my mom is in denial about her abilities for my dad’s full care. She has also deferred to him on decision making for their 57 year marriage, so it’s a definite problem. I am going to talk to her about a support group. She has mentioned attending one before, so perhaps she will be open to it.
We tried unsuccessfully to get them to move early in the disease! It’s frustrating from the point of view that they have two involved daughters, but they are resisting every positive step, and making everything more difficult for all of us.
@rockymtnhigh Thank you! I know that at times my mom forgets to redirect, and tried to reason with him, which just ends up back in that place of making irrational decisions.
Geratric care managers can be a big help throughout the process of navigating elder care and health challenges. They are familiar with the impact and likely course of illness, local resources and facilities, eligibility for state and federal programs related to the elderly, and family dynamics. They are usually licensed clinicians who will speak with elders and family members, do a thorough assessment and make recommendations. They can tackle one task (ie a move to sr. care) or be available in an ongoing way. Additionally, they can help take family members out of the “hot seat” by normalizing the need for changes and allowing the family to carve the way forward with expertise applied. A google search relative to location will help you find them, as may a local senior center, physician or elder attorney.
I used one to weigh in on her objective experience with the elder care facility my parents were considering. It was well worth it to confirm the quality of care before a big move. All the best, @defin2013.
@travelnut Thank you so much for your response! I am googling now
I went to an Alzheimer’s caretaker support group for a while and it was very helpful. It was sponsored by one of the national Alzheimer’s associations.
My MIL just returned home to AL after a month in hospital and subsequent rehab for a broken vertebrae.
We have noticed FIL getting worse dementia-wise (getting up in the middle of the night and wandering the halls, having to go to ‘work’, becoming irrational about things and then not saying exactly what is wrong, and so on), but MIL lives with it every day.
Anyway, she was very upset yesterday because it is far worse to her after being away from it. She had a stroke a few years back, but is pretty much all there mentally.
Not sure what H and his sister will do. She is out of the country through the end of the month on an R and R trip. Lots of decisions to make.
The sad thing is that 3 of her 4 siblings had Alzheimer’s and she thought she’d escaped it.
I sometimes think my mom let go of any mental competency because she wanted no part of making decisions, or for care giving for that matter. @dfin2013 consider the support group for you and your sister. It is usually led by a social worker and is rich in resources. Here’s a link to my local one at a major medical center. You may find some of the resources helpful http://www.dukefamilysupport.org/
I’m glad @zeebamom your H and his sister can work together.
My dad will end up moving back home after a nursing home “accident”. If he survives. We would have a strong malpractice case against the skilled nursing facility, but we were told since he has Medicare, Medicare would want 100% of what they paid for ICU and hospital before the lawyers, then us, would get anything.
Any advice about piecing together home health care, or if we should just use a larger agency that can help us plan, would be appreciated. I plan to take FMLA to be with him for a while, but I can’t do some of what’s needed. (or maybe I could be trained?)
I’m so sorry, @rhandco. If you’re up to it and have the documentation, you may wish to consult an attorney (most have free initial consultations. The Medicare lien may be negotiable and I’m sure any decent attorney would be able to advise you about how strong of a case you have and the likely outcome of any legal action, including any net to your family.
The thing about “piecing together” home care is that YOU or someone in your family will end up being the case manager and handling all the scheduling and re-scheduling, background checks on staff, and making sure that everyone is paid appropriately and has the right paperwork and insurance. With an agency, they will charge overhead but be sure that the paperwork and insurance is done correctly, as well as any overtime and arrange coverage if one (or more) folks can’t make/keep their scheduled shift so you don’t have emergency holes in the schedule.
I have had loved ones that have used each of those–one paid workers directly and the other used an agency. It’s personal preference and what you can afford and find. For sure, it’s more labor intensive for you to piece together directly, but you can customize as to exactly what you want and need.