Well, I don’t want to ramble on too much, but when I was thinking of my answer and I thought of all the things I got to manage Mom’s life: I had the general POA and advanced care directive (helps for medical), the trust, I did get the full guardian AND conservatorship… and last but not least I got the Social Security Assigned Payee form.
What a lot of hoops. I don’t ever recommend getting the guardianship because of the ongoing legal costs and reporting to the courts (then become public documents for my crazy cousin to find… )anyway I wouldn’t have done guardianship if I could avoid it. and thus don’t recommend it. But we had an evil handyman who had Mom’s full confidence and who was trying to get her to assign him as the POA etc etc . Thank goodness she didn’t get that far in his con, but he got $10000’s of $$ (and my grandfathers guns). Oh well, stop rambling.
Just if you have to plan ahead, plan on jumping through Social Security hoops, too. Although that said, they were easier to deal with than the cable company…
@ManhattanBoro my mom has turned into an avid jigsaw puzzler and he “helps” but gets bored quickly, paces, and gets in trouble. Part of the many issues is his short span (think 15 months old) of attention. The aides work on him “helping” particularly with active tasks such as delivering clothes to rooms and making dinner. Pretty much he follows people around and sits and “talks” while others are preparing meals. The problem is that while there is at least 3:1 care, they can’t keep track of him 24/7. I think they are doing all they can to keep him from destroying stuff. I will work on getting him a palliative care consultant for some extra support for the right combination of meds.
@tx5athome last time I had an issue with the bank and I had a POA but apparently not certified by the registrar (bothered by the lawyer right now but oh well). But, I needed to get into the safe deposit box and dragged my parents with me. My mom was able to sign and I accomplished my task. But while I was doing it, I told them they needed to watch my parents! Anyway, safe deposit boxes are closed out. I found a trusted financial investment firm is invaluable for helping me manage the estate. They figure out what I need and frequently stay in touch.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I did see a elder care attorney last year who advised me to take over the trust and medical. It was not an easy task and took over 6 months. The brokerage firms were especially difficult to work with, and we did get help from a financial investment firm who was able to do what my sister and I could not. He has two IRAs, but the other one was already on automatic distribution, so we don’t have to do anything for that one. This IRA is not that big, and is just the last remaining item that we need to take care of. But since it falls outside the trust, the bank says they need him to do it. Thanks for the info about the POA possibly not working. I won’t go that route. I think I will just drag him to the bank and hope for the best.
Thank you all for the suggestions. I have checked the Medicaid website for my mother’s state, which was my first glimpse of how complicated eligibility determination is.
@rockymtnhigh - yes, “loopback” is what I was trying to describe. I’m definitely not proficient in Medicaid terminology.
Right now I’m trying to thoroughly grasp “medically needy,” which applies when one’s income is too high for Medicaid but not enough to meet medical needs. Apparently the monthly cap on income is not rigid, depending on circumstances.
I came across a website that had a series of questions to see whether one might qualify for Medicaid benefits for assisted care. Unfortunately, I lost the name of the site & can’t retrieve it from the browser’s history.
I’ll keep searching. My guess is eventually I’ll speak directly with someone with expertise with the ins-and-outs of Medicaid.
@tx5athome – I hope at your father’s bank someone there has been working with him regularly. When my brother took our mother to her bank to handle her accounts, the manager was more than happy to help. He’d known her for years.
@GTalum - that’s great your mom can pass the time doing puzzles & I’m impressed how the staff involves your dad in daily activiites
I’ve been racking my brain for manipulatives that might interest your father. You might google child development + manipulatives + preschool.
I wonder if there’s a tablet, the equivalent of a thick, non-breakable ipad, that might hold his interest & attention. Or, for safety reasons, foam objects, like blocks or Nerf products.
This fire happened not too far from me. I thought it was a pretty nice place but now I’m wondering if it was to code - wouldn’t sprinklers have minimized the damage?
My dad was recently on the second floor of his building for some rehab time and I was seriously wondering what he would go in a fire as he cannot do steps. And when I saw all those seniors being rushed out all I could think of was, oh who has the med list? Who knows who has to get a pill when? How will those confused seniors deal with new care givers, new surroundings etc. I really viewed it totally differently now that my folks are in a personal care place.
Thanks @ManhattanBoro for working on ideas. Does anyone else have a parent who can smell a “toy” a mile away? Even at his state, as much as he can’t do, he can detect a “toy” and won’t even look at it.
Yes, very much so and I also couldn’t just agree with my dad when he was confused because eventually he might figure things out and be even more confused that I said the wrong thing was right.
Just had to go back and change the tense of my answer. I checked in here automatically as I’ve done for years but my dad passed away Thursday and I’m still getting used to the fact of that. I don’t need to visit him every evening any more. I don’t need to worry about him every day. When the phone rings it isn’t news of a fall. I’ve been doing this a long time and it feels strange. DIdn’t realize I’d miss the routine and the interaction with his caregivers almost as much as I miss him.
Sorry for you loss @Curiousreader . When I moved my parents this past time, I really missed the dining room and receptionist staff (not the home care staff!). Even though I wish my dad can have peace, I know his passing will be hard. He does not qualify for hospice care yet, but we got him a palliative care consult. Hopefully that will help us select the best medication options for his quality of life and maintain safety in the home.
Wow, you couldn’t agree with what he said. So difficult. Mom was going on yesterday, said it about 10 times, that her parents were coming to pick her up (in their Studebaker). Best I could say is "they may not make it today, maybe tomorrow. Since my parents don’t recognize me, I think it will confuse them less if I call them my their first names. Has anyone tried this? I think it may be less confusing rather than more.
Condolences, @Curiousreader. It is a strange feeling to realize you have done all that is possible for your loved one and the routine is changed. Sorry for your loss.
@curiousreader, so sorry for your loss.
I had the same disconnected feeling about my Mom. I called her every day (almost) for almost 7-8 years (even before she went into AL). I was better about it after we put her in the AL place, but the last few years were just really hard with days she couldn’t really talk or make sense. I used to like to call her before that. But anyway, I felt like I missed a step in my day for at least two months because I’d be reaching for the phone when I had a little time to talk to her… and I didn’t need to. Mostly that has gone away, but I am surprised at the emotion this holiday is bringing. I always really worried about her, felt guilty cause she couldn’t travel and worry worry worry… I am just sad she isn’t here to worry about, although I am glad she isn’t worrying me. You haven’t had any time to process either! hugs and condolences.
Hugs @Curiousreader - so sorry for your loss. And I’m not surprised that you miss the routine of dealing with your dad’s stuff even though it was hard.
My sympathies, @Curiousreader. No matter how prepared we think we are, there is still the hole. The suddenness. The way our lives change.
I spent so much time with my mom the last 18 months of her life and losing that routine, hard as it was in the moment (so much time! So much energy, leaving little for myself), was so difficult. I still have the memo reminder come up on my phone every Monday to “call mom”. It’s my time to remember and keep her close.
So sorry for your loss Curiousreader. My mother is nearing the end, and I know it’ll be a significant change in my routine once she’s gone. My cousin is going through that now since my uncle died 2 months ago. It’s not easy.
