Also my condolences.
My condolences
So very sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss! Hope the transition is smooth for you.
I have a question for y’all: My mother has been living with us the last 5-10 years since Dad died. She has had a tendency to choose helplessness, to not understand anything electronic (Daddy did that) to not reach out to anyone to connect, etc.
The last few years I am seeing more signs of minor cognitive impairment in terms of figuring out how to do things and especially small term memory. My problem with it is discerning how much is her choosing to be helpless and how much is her getting more forgetful.
DH & I are trying to figure out, how do you decide when the person is not safe home alone, at all. We go out of the house 2-4 hours 1-2 times a week where she is home alone, plus an hour or two a day for exercise. How will I know when I need to hire someone to come in and sit with her if we want to go out for dinner? Or for our exercise?
@somemom, kudos to you and your DH for having your mom live with you. My DH wouldn’t even have Mom in the same town… ANYWAY, you will know. Either she will get into something or start falling down.
Look at her as a reverse child… instead of growing up, she is growing more into infancy. At what point would you have had a babysitter for 4 hrs, for 2 hrs. When the kid was 10, OK for an hour? Then look at her and see if she is 10 or 5 most of the days.
My dad lives with my brother and they still leave him overnight. Dad is still all there mentally, but going more blind. They are conflicted about leaving him, but he doesn’t get into trouble…except falling every so often. They have the same thoughts: is he safe to leave alone…
I’m less concerned about falling, she walks pretty well and if she falls, she will fall whether I am home or not. (Does that sound horridly cold?!) But her vision is really fading & depth perception worsening and she cannot smell gas if she knocks the stove knobs on (perhaps I take the knobs off when I leave)
Yesterday I drank bleach! She was bleaching her coffee cup, she is obsessively fastidious & on top of expiry dates, and poured some bleach in my tea cup. She then watched me pour tea and never said a word and when I drank the bleach and reacted (it was hideous), she had no clue she had put bleach in my cup, too. It was just a rote habit thing. And that was with me home, so who knows what is and isn’t safe alone.
@somemom - Is she now having trouble with things that were previously automatic? Is she only having trouble learning new things, including many that she had no affinity for to begin with? This is tricky; in my opinion, if her judgment is compromised so that she would not (might not) be able to handle household events or tasks she could attempt, including handling an emergency, appropriately, it is time to have someone with her.
I’d focus on trying to translate observations about her decline into data relevant to how safe she is. You can see how she handles a couple of things that concern you while you are there, though I wouldn’t “test” her constantly. In this context, if she is not safe, whether it is “learned helplessness” or dementia isn’t as important as is her safety.
If you are seeing a cognitive decline, of course drs, including primary care and neurologists if indicated, can investigate. The fact that you are asking probably means you are seeing some worrisome things. Trusting your gut makes sense. You have been at this a long time. Also, as she ages, some type of additional help is likely to be necessary and adding it in incrementally often works well. You may also get relevant feedback from a new caretaker. In my experience, novelty or changes in routine often put a spotlight on how hard my father with memory loss was working to keep his head above water. It wasn’t as obvious when I was around, doing the usual anticipating.
All the best. It is important that you and DH have time for other things.
Just saw your reply about the bleach. Think it is time for an aide. Caregivers deserve much respect! She is lucky to have you.
I am wondering if you could have an evaluation by a visiting nurse with OT and speech therapy. Speech therapists can also detect things like you are talking about - I have learned that not initiating something (a crossword puzzle, a bath etc) is common with brain injuries and cognitive decline. A speech therapist pointed that out to me with my dad.
She is very good about hygiene, showers, washes her hair, takes excellent care of her teeth, keeps her doctor & hair appointments on schedule, that’s all good, good for hygiene, but also good that it requires some level of thinking about what she is doing, planning, etc.
I have noticed for the last ten years of paying attention that changes in electronic things, like using the cable company remote at my house & then my DD’s house, same company, similar remote, but buttons in a different place, she’s stymied by the change, until she gets a new routine.
A new microwave, buttons in new places, that took a week. But it’s also not really a huge change.
We both think she would freeze in an emergency, but we think she’s always been that way!
Some of her issues that require my help are not serious issues, if the TV clicker is messed up, she can read, etc., but I wouldn’t want her to cause an emergency in the house!
What would be the desired outcome of the evaluation? If she is in early dementia, I don’t think any drugs really work, so what am I trying to accomplish? (so I can ask the right questions and talk to the right people)
Surfcity, in reference to your post #10066 a few days ago: I live near this too. In fact, my mom is in a AL facility fairly close to this one in the same town. Woke up Friday early morning to hear this on the news reports with only the town name, not the facility name. I was freaking out until I hear the actual facility name a couple minutes later, ready to drag DH out of bed and over there. Feel very sad for all of those people and I got teary looking at the photos of the elderly sitting out in the cold. It affects me much more than it would have before I was taking care of my mom.
Somemom, I constantly ask myself the same questions! I do have somebody here with her from 9-4 weekdays while I am at work, and the same person will come on a weekend day if I need to be gone all day. My mother is okay to be left alone for a few hours; I took the knobs off her electric burners a year or so ago. She also chooses to be helpless, and constantly confuses her television remote with her cordless phone. But does she really? She does fine with both when nobody is here with her; I think it’s a play for more attention. I feel for you, those are hard questions to ask when an elderly woman is choosing helplessness. My mother is also good at lying and manipulating and always has been. She has lived here for the nine years we have lived here, and I am so very tired.
I have friends who helped with their aging relatives. One of them would have to hire someone to come in 2 nights/week so she could sleep through the night (the relative would wake and be restless all night and soil the bed and rip off her undergarments and other excitement). The other would have to have her folks have respite care in a home when she traveled to see her kids in CA. Her brother refused to help AT ALL, even tho the mom gave him a house and two rental houses.
It’s a heavy burden and I admire all who are doing what they can in these challenging situations. Raising kids is MUCH easier than helping with aging parents who get increasingly angry, confused and frustrated. Last night we drove my folks to a potluck. I deboned and cut up two Costco chickens and put it in a disposable container so they could bring it to the party. They were able to get a ride home but refused to tell us who drove them home. (We think they may have caught a ride from the van that transported others living in their SR community to and from the party, but don’t know.
I get confused by a new remote and on the rare occasions I use the mwaves at work, have to stare at the panel to figure them out. No concerns about dementia. In fact, my able kids can have the same issue.
That’s not nearly the problem the bleach is. The remote is about looking for the right keys. The bleach is not being cognizant of dangers.
You can hide the bleach and remove stove knobs. But I’d also look for other signs she’s at risk. Eg, is she showering in cold water or at risk of too hot? And other ways she’s not aware, in the first place.
Yes, drinking bleach is definitely a health and safety risk for YOU and HER and anyone else that may be around. In addition to drinking the bleach, it could be splashed or cause burns or worse. I’d also be on the lookout for other signs that she’s a danger to herself or others.
@somemom I’m not sure there is enough information yet to make a decision. Your mom seems to be doing fairly well. I’m not sure I see early dementia yet. Certainly bleach is a problem, but I suspect this is more of a risk for her than you. I would just keep an eye on it. But, of course I allowed my parents to stay at independent living longer than I should have.
White vinegar is much safer than bleach if she wants a milder, safer cleaning agent.
They may not have remembered and are just trying to cover.
I think they may have caught the shuttle to the SR community with a friend but prefer to mostly have family drive them. They called as soon as they got home so I think they know who drove them. They knew we were waiting for their call.
The bleach was not as big a deal as it sounds, it was a big deal to me at the moment! But it was just her doing a rote cleaning thing, cleaning both our cups & doing it by habit so not thinking at all when she saw me drink. The worst part, I got her the bleach out to use!
Bleach…
My grandmother had alzheimer’s, but was still living at home with my grandfather. My grandparent’s well water was bad, so my father and my uncle were bringing them bottles of water from their own houses. These were unlabelled white plastic bottles. One day when my father stopped by to visit, he was overwhelmed by a horrendous smell. My grandmother had a kettle on the stove, full of bleach, almost hot enough to make tea…
It was not long after that that my grandmother was placed in the county nursing home, my grandparent’s house was sold, and my grandfather moved in with my father.