Happy day – MIL signed for her unit at CCRC today. Move-in hopefully around first half of March. Overall she seems relieved and (fingers crossed) pleased. She’s in her own single-family now, something like 3,000 sf, and it takes a lot of attention and energy. She’s still getting her head around downsizing, worrying that if she gives away her stuff does that mean she’s losing her history? I suggested getting herself situated, having everything she still wants to sort through packed and put in a storage unit, and once she’s in her new place I’ll happily bring her a box at a time and help move it on its way.
At the bottom of all this is she’s in great shape financially. Seeing the options her resources give her makes me really motivated to save as much as we can while we can.
Any advice on what to say to parent with dementia when you need to move them to memory care from an AL unit? My dad was on the waiting list and I got the call today that they are moving him on Sat…he has poor short term memory and doesnt process well. He needs more supervision than he has…i have been hiring an aid to be 1:1 until the unit opened up. My best idea so far was to tell him they want him on the first floor for safety reasons (in case of a fire and the new unit is more handicap accessible) as he needs a wheelchair to go anywhere more than 10ft.
Wow @HouseChatte that is quite a bit of space. Fortunately, usually cleaning services is part of the contract at a CCRC. I am waiting for my parent’s condo to sell at their CCRC. They have an ownership model as opposed to a buy-in. Hopefully it will sell soon as we continue to pay monthly fees for amenities. But I agree. My parents having financial resources really helps.
Aekmom, ‘safety’ always worked for my mother with dementia, except when I took the car keys away. In that case it was for safety of others which she did not seem to care much about.
@Aekmom I told them truthfully, that the doctors, social workers, and nurses have determined this is no longer an acceptable living arrangement for them and they needed to move. They could move to memory care or to the personal care home near me. For your dad, I would say something similar such as: "the doctors and nurses have told me staying here is no longer possible and you need a place with more care available.
Thanks everyone…I just feel badly and get stressed when he starts arguing and saying he is fine…he still asks for his car keys when he cant transfer from a chair to his wheelchair independently…I know it is a perseveration but it still cracks me up
My mom is still in rehab after falling over Christmas Eve weekend. She gets assessed on January 16th and a decision is made whether she’s improved enough to go home. She wants to go home; doesn’t want to go into AL.
My brother, doing all the heavy lifting, is weighing how much he’d have to pay to make the first floor of her big house a self-contained efficiency floor (installing basic kitchen, A/C, etc) vs. how much AL will cost plus the unquantifiable peace of mind it would bring. He’s the only one that can make that decision, as he’ll be paying all the bills. I feel for him.
She alternates between weak and querulous and crabby and demanding. No upside, tbh.
She’s furious that he’s stopped her tithing to the TV megachurches. He (rightly) says she doesn’t have the money to send them.
Gatormama, it would take a good bit of time to get accessible arrangements constructed in the house, and I assume she can’t hang out in rehab til it’s ready. Has she looked at any AL facilities?
Sending strength and encouragement to your brother!
My MIL wants her car keys to nearly the very end. She, too, couldn’t transfer on her own. I told FIL to give them to her instead of arguing and let her do whatever she wanted, with no help. She was incapable of getting out of bed, let alone out the door, so she could not get to the car, but fine, let her have the keys. Of course that only works if they could not actually get in the car.
@somemom , so true. My dad and stepmother had all kinds of arguments because she was hyperfocused on having her purse (which of course had nothing remotely useful in it) with her at all times. Once he realized how futile the arguments we’re, it made life so much easier for both of them. We gave her “her” keys to keep in her purse too.
@CountingDown - thank you.
She hasn’t visited any facilities, although the rehab facility is a transition-in-place full-service complex.
Brother has visited a few. Average cost is ~$4k a month in her area.
He figured about $7k to do the work in the house (he’s handy and can whip most of it in shape in a weekend, believe it or not). Much is already in place, in terms of a handicap bathroom, living room, etc., because my mother took care of her dad in his final years, and the downstairs was already configured in many ways because of that.
It just needs the kitchen finished & a new A/C unit. A/C isn’t critical at this time of year in FL. And there’s already a kitchen counter and fridge in the room that’d be the kitchen (she’s been living on microwaved food for years so it’s not like a stove is in her future, just needs a sink, and the plumbing is accessible.)
Then a hospital bed, most likely, one of those catapult recliners that shoots you up when you want to get up, and a full set of hurricane shutters for the sliding door on the bottom level (because she’s paranoid about burglars, even though nothing has ever happened there in 40 years.)
@Aekmom -I was direct when my father was moving from AL to SNF memory care, stating that he would likely need more help over time and that it was built-in to be available there. Also emphasized that it would be easier for him to see friends and participate in activities if he didn’t have to keep track of it himself. He was quite social, but past being able to make plans. The memory care unit did activities for all levels most of the day.
As he was with it enough to notice that some residents were more impaired, we talked about how help was individualized there, as it was in AL. He was also reassured to know that he wouldn’t have to move again as all necessary care could be provided there.
With every elder transition, we emphasized that we were happy to hear how it was going, help answer questions, and troubleshoot. That seemed to counteract the anxiety a bit. Best with all of this. While I had to answer many questions leading up to the move, once he was there, he settled in. One “plus” of memory loss is the focus on the immediate.
@Gatormama- may be good to have your mother preview the lift chair. My father loved his, but by the very frailty that made my mother need hers, made her feel to vulnerable to use it. She felt she was being tipped over. We went to a specialized store to try one out.
Lots to consider with care at home vs. a facility. Good to have siblings working together on it.
@Gatormama – some of the facilities will allow a month trial visit. I think it may be referred to as respite? The fee for the month works out higher than if living there, but no obligation at the end of the month.
I used to write “deceased” on the megachurch tithe letters that came to MIL when H and I lived with her. She recently started up again, so this time we changed her mailing address to our home. My main problem with MIL is that she keeps buying from HSN. However, since her bills now come to our house, I had H, who has POA, call the credit card company and disavow all future bills.
That would be funny. HSN is a blight on society. My MIL ordered years’ worth of powdered protein supplements that were the only thing she “ate” and then she wondered why she had diarrhea all the time. It was hard to reason with her and she is completely mentally competent. My D was finally able to convince her to stop putting them on reorder.
When my BIL got my FIL out of the Bronx and into his apt in NJ after MIL passed away, I went up to help unpack. OMG. Cr*p from every known MLM marketing outfit in the universe. Most of it never opened. FIL had enough cleaning supplies to last til the next millennium (they were never used, believe me!). Because she handled the $$, he was oblivious and never thought to limit her access to credit cards, etc.
My mom also did tons of QVC, HSN and EBay shopping. For folks who are shut-in and bedridden, the TV hosts become friends and it’s a self-comforting thing to buy things they think are useful for the house, would make family members happy, or are reminiscent of happy childhood memories. It was the one useful thing my mom could do. She was 100% bedridden at age 64 – totally in control of her mental faculties.
She also donated to every veterans and Catholic cause that mailed her anyting – again, I think at some level, it was her way of trying to make a little difference and have a little control over things in the world in a situation where she had no control over even basic bodily functions.
Went with my story and his intial reaction was “so they are going to leave the wheelchair downstairs” I was frustrated after the director called and said Sat needed to be the day but when i asked what the timeline was for tomorrow he said oh we could wait till Monday…he drives me crazy…very unreliable and says things out of both sides of his mouth…I emailed my brother and his response did not include any offer of help just a thanks for informing him which was exactly what I expected