I’m not sure you’ll get far with those questions to you FIL. If he’s ornery, he’s going to answer yes or no at will, regardless of his intentions. And maybe get aggravated just for being asked. He doesn’t sound like one to consider and follow suggstions.
I’m uncertain what your DH realizes about his father’s needs. What if there a trip or a dizzy spell or a series of bathroom breaks? Is DH both aware and prepared for how this may take him away from the ceremonies? I didn’t get why he doesn’t want to hire someone to take these responsibilities off his hands. There’s an old saying in pop psych about being codependent- in part it means encouraguing by not setting limits.
But as you are our CC friend, my hope is you will be spared. If you need to, I hope you can walk away, turn away, and not be overwhelmed. In the hubbub f graduation, it’s often easy to step a few paces out of reach, while still keeping an eye on the family.
@Hoggirl I would not send a note to the doctor. What is the doctor going to say? Plenty of those who go to graduation are a falls risk, and FIL’s situation is probably less dire than many. I think the neurosurgeon will only recommend against going if it was felt delaying treatment due to graduation is a problem. Personally, I find notes from notes and letters problematic as I can’t keep the specific concerns of the family members “secret” from the patient. The doctor might likely say, “your DIL wrote a letter concerned about you attending graduation” in order to have a discussion about the event. I suspect this won’t go over well with the in-laws. It works much better if concerns were brought up in person during the visit.
I know the stress of having the in-laws at graduation, especially with FIL’s issues, is looming larger as the date approaches. But, at this point, I think it will make thing worse to stop the madness. Last time I brought the folks to graduation (4 years ago!), I vowed never to bring them on a trip again. And it was stressful for our graduate. But, it is also something that our D, because really an insignificant part of her life, doesn’t remember. I also think worrying about protecting dh is way too much stress for you and probably him. The best gift I think you should do for dh is to clearly let him know your limits, what you can and cannot do for your in-laws, and let dh handle the rest.
@GTalum - I appreciate your sharing your perspective. AND the risk that the doctor could very well out me. I hadn’t thought of that at all. Hopefully it will come up during the course of the appointment and the issue will at least be addressed. I do see falling and breaking a hip (or something!) as a problem to delaying shunt treatment, but he could fall at home in the interim as well. I definitely needed to read what you wrote. I’m sure you are right that I am stressing out my dh. He has already stated that he will “handle’ his parents. I asked a friend what would happen if fil were to fall, and she said, “You’ll call 911 and run after ds to take a bunch of photos of him and check on fil later.” At least the med school and hospital are right on campus! I hate the thought of dh being in the middle and having to choose where his focus is, but if I will let him do it, then I don’t have to focus on fil at all. His attention is going to have to be divided even if nothing bad happens. He has had and will have the same opportunities to observe him as I, and I need to let him say whatever he feels needs to be said, even if that is nothing at all.
But, I’m still going to refrain from drinking this weekend.
I am at a decision point today about whether to take my mother out of the assisted living and rent an apartment with her, or rent a studio for myself and continue to commute to see her. So many difficult things have happened with the AL that I can barely stand going anymore. My mother is depressed.
But I have been caretaking someone for decades now and for my own health (cancer three years ago) need to have some degree of freedom, so we would have to get a house or apartment where I could have a student or couple living with us, something like that.
Going to a support group today. Looking at apartments for both options.
It really may come down to my mother regaining her freedom and me losing mine,or vice-versa.
@lookingforward - I think all the scenarios you describe are possible. Last year it was an unprecedented 102 degrees at graduation! Completely abnormal, but one never knows. So, I am worried about fil getting dehydrated as well. Regarding bathroom breaks, one of the symptoms of NPH can be incontinence, but I have no idea and am certainly not asking if he is experiencing it. The unsteadiness of gait is the observable symptom. He doesn’t seem to have any cognitive impairment.
Hiring someone would only enrage father-in-law. I really think he might cause a scene. I haven’t even asked dh about it as I know he will think it is unnecessary. If fil seems notably worse when we visit than he was three months ago, then perhaps I will toss it out to dh. And, perhaps I am underestimating fil. The main ceremony is both live-streamed and recorded, so anything dh (or fil miss) can be watched later. I will pack snacks and water as there is no time for lunch in between the commencement ceremony and the diploma ceremony.
I also need to remind myself that mil will be there as well, and she is used to dealing with fil. Even though she is 79, she is very able-bodied. Although, she is one of the clumsiest people I know. She has had falls herself. It would be a cruel irony if I have spent all this time worrying about fil and something were to happen with her instead!
I hope in six weeks I will be able to report that all went well!
Reading your journey, @Hoggirl , makes me grateful to my MIL, who chose not to attend her only granddaughter’s graduation 4 years ago. I hope it works out for you. Maybe one way to look at it is that your FIL so loves and cherishes his grandson that he is willing to risk his health to see him graduate. I know that is not how you present him and it probably isn’t him, but maybe the little mental redirect can help you feel less resentful.
@techmom99 - I need some mental redirect and a TRUCKLOAD of grace. There’s lots of baggage and history, so I do struggle seeing things in a positive light. Fil is not very generous with dispensing love, and I use that term loosely, as he isn’t loving by my definition and standards at all. Very conditional, but ds meets his conditions. Thank goodness I am not my sil because her daughter (my niece) doesn’t measure up. So sad. She is a great young woman but not checking the right boxes per him. He didn’t get the “love the kid on the couch” memo at all.
I wish you well, @Hoggirl! Good for you in deciding to let your H own the decision to care for his dad so you can focus on graduating S. Great also that you’ve opted to be alcohol free during the visit so you can stay vigilant and not let any cross words mar the celebration.
I know it’s much easier said than done but try to stop thinking ng of your FIL and focus on you and your graduating S. Do things that will help keep this event special. Have you chosen your outfit and H’s? Made dining reservations, etc. Have you started thinking about helping your S get Hs stuff moved to where he’ll be living next—home or ???
I’d celebrate your great H who has said he will take care of FIL and MIL, leaving you to enjoy the happy event.
@HImom - oh, I won’t be alcohol-free during the graduation weekend - just when we go visit them later this week. I am still working on the wardrobe for the graduation weekend, with shoes being a bit tricky for sure. We do have dinner reservations (though those had to be somewhat tempered because of fil as well - he isn’t going to be happy with anything too out-of-the-ordinary. We are driving ds down to L.A. to store his stuff for the summer while he spends the summer traveling SE Asia with friends before starting his job in mid-September. After getting him to L.A.,dh and I have three nights in Las Vegas planned! Indeed, there is much to celebrate!
Why is it that the very elderly get so stubborn and refuse to take advice? My dad is insisting on putting an ugly coffee table into the car and taking it out to my daughter’s new place. She’s already politely declined the table. He is also refusing to wear a coat and tie to her wedding. I know he will criticize everything about the wedding. He will criticize the restaurant I booked for graduation. (The last restaurant I selected was too loud). I booked an American food place that I hope won’t be too loud. He would refuse to eat any sort of ‘exotic’ food. We once went to a Thai place together and he sat there and watched us eat but refused to order anything.
@TatinG - I feel your pain. One of my friends suggested I borrow some terminology used, I believe, by Dale Carnegie, so I’ll share that with you. Can you ask your dad ahead of the wedding weekend if he could please be free of complaining, criticism, and condemnation during that occasion? If he loves his granddaughter (and I assume he does), he should not want to detract from her joy. I have learned that playing the grandchild happiness card can go much further in gaining cooperation. Why doesn’t he want to wear a jacket and tie? Is it cost or comfort or ?? I know this isn’t very nice, but I have found that generation to be VERY focused on outward appearance and proprietary. Could you maybe use a little “shame” to get him to wear what is appropriate?
The same statement about CCC could be made about the choice of restaurant for graduation. And tell him granddaughter chose it. It’s where she really wanted to go.
Just saying, asking him to be free of xx may be taken as accusing. How about, “DD would like everyone to get along?” Or DD would like the men to wear jackets. (Or, her favorite men.)
Lol, the get along or restaurant things, even the suit, can be repeated. “It makes DD happy.” Those simple statements.
Good luck.
I feel for all. In an ideal world, major life events would be free from such perils. But here we all are…with no easy answers.
Maybe try a paradoxical approach when they cut up. Like “Guilty as charged Dad; we picked this place just to see how miserable we could make you and apparently we outdid ourselves this time. Don’t know what we did to deserve the patience you show us by always coming to places you know you won’t like. Pass the salt, please.” Or “Maybe grand daughter forget to tell you, but we each only get one complaint this weekend. I don’t know about you, but I’m choosing carefully.” If complaints are relentless and severe, try taking them at their word: get their coat, apologize for how bad it has been and say you are feeling too guilty not to take them back to their room when they are so uncomfortable. Maybe the grouch will decide to stay.
Some people live to throw a monkey wrench into a good time. Opting out of the dance or utilizing the elements of surprise and humor can help defuse it. This won’t fix anything, but sometimes the rest of the group can be a bit disarming. Delivered with a pleasant non-chalence, the conversation may move on faster than trying to move the needle by addressing irrelevant areas of discontent.
May the force be with all. How many lucky curmudgeons there are!
Now he is criticizing me for spending too much and doing too much for the wedding. It’s not his money and I am spending much less than average. And he is so insistent on taking that table to my D that he wants to drive 700 miles to do so. He is 92!
I guess I was very selfish but felt much more vested in the graduations and weddings than our parents. I wanted to totally soak up the experience. Our parents were in their 90’s. I never really invited them to graduation (both several plane rides away) and just told them about it. They never asked about going. I have great memories. Mentioning this because it is just another way of handling this situation. One wedding and it was on another continent. Same deal.
I have a friend whose D had her wedding 2 hours away from her grandmother (in her 80’s) instead of several states away, The grandmother, as it came down to the time, refused to go. Even though someone offered to drive her there right before and leave right after to take her home.You just never know when there are more elements in the picture.
@TatinG - tell him it’s none of his business what you spend on the wedding!
Oh, gosh. I thought he was only running the table across town. Tell him, “No.”Have your dd tell him, “No.” Have her tell him she’s going to haul it to Goodwill as soon as he brings it to her. Fil tried to give ds his 20-year old golf clubs. Ds has his own golf clubs. There was no way he could haul them on the plane back to school, not to mention he has no room for them in his dorm and does not want them!!! Fil still has them. I told dh we need to take them if he offers again. He’ll never know what becomes of them.
I have told dh that he and his sister have got to get to the point where they can tell their dad, “No.” The reality is that you have no control over what your dad does whether you tell him “no” or not. It’s terribly frustrating.
Sometimes I want to say to fil, “Do you really want to give me the power to say, I told you so!’”
@rockymtnhigh - you are fortunate. In-laws announced their intention to attend graduation a year and a half ago. If you’re selfish then so am I. I don’t want them there. In-laws have a three-legged flight. Only one plane change though - but it’s at LAX
I am still working on the wardrobe for the graduation weekend, with shoes being a bit tricky for sure. We do have dinner reservations (though those had to be somewhat tempered because of fil as well - he isn’t going to be happy with anything too out-of-the-ordinary. We are driving ds down to L.A. to store his stuff for the summer while he spends the summer traveling SE Asia with friends before starting his job in mid-September. After getting him to L.A.,dh and I have three nights in Las Vegas planned! Indeed, there is much to celebrate!