My super healthy and fit 87 year old MIL fell and broke her hip at DS’s graduation in 2014. She healed wonderfully, but decided way ahead of time not to go to my other DS’s graduation in 2017.
Falls are pretty common in elders, especially in new surroundings and with lots of people and activity. Sorry your MIL fell and glad she chose not to attend younger D’s graduation and gave lots of advanced notice.
@tx5athome - how awful! This is my fear. And were it to happen, they would be 1,800+ miles from home.
@Hoggirl It struck me when you said FIL is not great about dispensing love. It sounds like my dad. Although critical and unaffectionate, I did know his way of showing love was to show up at events. For him, that was a big deal, and perhaps the only way he knew to show others he cared. Ditto for @TatinG. Bringing ugly table across town for your D is the only way he knows to show he cares.
I think many men of their generation were raised in such a way to be emotionally stunted. They were also raised to do what is “right” but not at the expense of empathy. The random gestures such as carrying ugly furniture across town and attending graduations (which my dad insisted on as well) is what they can do. It’s how they can participate in another’s life without connecting emotionally.
Excellent insight @GTalum
Could be. And then there is the Depeession mind set. I am dreading Dad seeing the prix fix menu at graduation dinner. $65. Dad thinks paying more than $20 for dinner is a wasteful extravagance. He will either try to order just soup or not eat. And make the rest of us uncomfortable. Next weekend. We’ll see.
Maybe call ahead to request menus for all without prices, @TatinG.
I hope they have them.
@TatinG - we are planning on picking up the tab the entire weekend so we don’t have to listen to complaining about costs.
Of course, we are too. It’s our D’s graduation, our invitation, we are paying everything. Still I’m afraid we will get criticized for being spendthrifts. Dad’s idea of a good meal out is the old Cracker Barrel.
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Whoa I am exhausted from the weekend. On Saturday I drove my mom to have lunch with old friends and then we visited my uncle in a rehab place.
Yesterday for mothers day I picked up my folks and brought them to my house. We got take out for dinner which is about all I could handle as I had to get all of dad’s meds and get him in and out of car, etc and I didn’t have the energy to plan and cook a meal.
Mom’s hearing aid batteries died prematurely (probably because she keeps recharging them twice a day) and so she could not hear a thing, but answered every question anyway:
ME: “Mom, [daughter] got an A on her final!”
MOM: “[Daughter] wants to learn piano?”
It was like an Abbott and Costello routine - but very trying. She often talks right over other conversations because she isn’t aware they are going on. I can’t really get mad at her for being hard of hearing but it is so draining to be around.
@surfcity, you are a good daughter! Sometimes all you can do is look back and laugh. Hope your kid(s) treated you well for YOUR Mother’s Day!
For mother’s day I just asked for folks to take care of my mom. Somehow, that didn’t quite happen. DH made a meal, but he of course, got behind. I ended up picking her up. Explaining why dad could not come (can what’s his name come with me?). Bringing her gift over and dealing with mom packing. Anyway, it wasn’t quite what I had in mind.
@GTalum, you too are an amazing daughter. Sorry about your Mother’s Day.
I survived our visit to the in-laws’. I did cave and had a glass and a half of wine the last night, but I wasn’t obnoxious. There was much discussion about ds’s upcoming commencement. Too much. At this point, I think we are still in a “wait and see” mode. I believe that fil has quite a bit of “magical thinking” about both the timing and recovery from the shunt procedure. He believes they will do it a couple of days after his consult, he will take two weeks to recuperate, and off he’ll go to commencement. His consult is exactly three weeks before they are scheduled to travel. I feel quite sure that even if they were to get him in that quickly, he would not be cleared to fly that soon. No idea why he thinks that is the timeline. I think it’s just wishful thinking. He says that if he can’t have it done and be healed in time, he will put it off until after he gets back. Both dh and I said he needs to ask about travel. Initially, I think he thought we meant regarding travel if he had the shunt done before graduation, but of course we also meant before the shunt is placed as well, since that seems far more likely. His response was, “Well, the neurologist said I don’t have to have it done if I don’t want to.” One thing he did say (of course while dh and mil were out of the room mucking around with their printer) was that if he does not have it done the risk is falling. I was glad he mentioned the “f” word first. I said, “Fil, that is my concern as well. Falling 2,000 miles from home would be bad. Falling anywhere would be bad, but falling that far away from home would be very bad.” He said if he can’t go he will “send” mother-in-law. When I shared this later with dh,he said she would not go without him. I was pretty sure fil had not communicated that information to mil - that he would “send” her. Sure enough, I confirmed that the next morning over coffee when he was not around. She said very plainly, “I won’t go without him.” So, I kind of tattled on him. I did say to her that the weekend was supposed to be about ds, but if fil got out there and fell it would be about fil. I do think that had some impact. I’m glad he has some awareness of the risk of falling (I learned a friend of his fell this spring and had to have a partial hip replacement), but he seems bound and determined to attend. I think going is far more important to him than it is to mil. I think the whole thing is going to be exhausting for them. Even with a golf cart. During one of the many conversations, mil wondered if getting a wheel chair for the airport might be a good idea. That did not go over well at all. I think it’s stressing her out. They have a three and a half hour layover where there only plane change is required, but their total travel time is a grueling 9 and a half hours. Not to mention the two-hour time change.
We learned that fil climbed up in their attic again just week before last. He put some cumbersome sprinkler cover thing up there. The attic has a horrible, rickety, drop-down ladder. We pulled everything in the attic out and got it accessible in the garage or in the house. There is NO reason for him to go up there now. So, even though he has an awareness of falling, he is taking foolish risks.
I also reiterated to mil the need for them to ask the doctor about taking this long trip and the advisability of traveling. I told her it may be perfectly fine, but he needs to make an informed decision. She said, “If the doctor tells him he shouldn’t’ go, he will just say, ‘Well, that’s your opinion.’” She’s probably right. Sister-in-law is going to the appointment on the 25th. I am hoping she will speak up. Since she is local, and we are not, she will suffer the most long-term if he injures himself. I’m goign to point that out to her.
Originally, he was told that it would be six weeks before they got an appointment. They called someone who knew someone who got them in earlier. He is seeing the head of the neurosurgery department at the medical school/teaching hospital. No idea when he would get on the surgical schedule, but I don’t think asking to delay the procedure after they had someone pull springs to get him in earlier is going to go over very well.
I’m glad to be home.
I suspect going is so important to him because, so far, it’s being treated as a legit plan. It seems your DH hasn’t faced him with the many jeopardies of going.
I’m on your side, HG, please know that. But it seems no one has told this elder, “No.” I know the blowback potential when challenging our elderly relatives. But this guy doesn’t seem to get it on his own.
I’d call the doc office and explain. You may not have authority to learn much, but can inform the doc that Dad wants to go with no (or very little) support and various risks, including exhaustion, fall risks, the long walk across campus, hot weather, a long, unmonitored layover at an unfamiliar airport, with only mil, the potential for getting disoriented, not getting to the right gate, missing the flight, etc.
Funny you should mention the word, “No.” I told dh not long ago that he and his sister needed to learn to tell fil,
“No.” My exact words. He has no cognitive decline at all. He’s just slow and a fall risk. Won’t use a cane. Dh knows my feelings on the issue. I’m not sure what else I can do at this point. You are right - fil absolutely does not get it. I think mil wants to tell him, “No,” as well. Maybe not. There may be plenty of denial to go around. I don’t think dh sees the situation as badly as I do. Maybe it isn’t. I do tend to jump to the worst-case scenario. I don’t like being around him either. I wouldn’t want him there even if he could turn cartwheels. But, objectively, he’s definitely a fall risk. I really am sorry that I got the stupid golf cart now. Though, I think they would still go. They might not try to do both ceremonies without it, but I still think they would go.
Thanks for the support, @lookingforward 
I’m hoping you literally will turn and innocently miss the cue or imploring, walk away, if anyone looks at you to take over during the grad trip. I think it may be necessary, for you.
There may be no overt cog decline, but clearly he doesn’t make safe decisions that work for all parties, respect others’ needs.
Hugs.
@lookingforward Respecting others’ needs has never been anything he has cared about. Ever. Very selfish, self-centered. Not a full-blown narcissist but those tendencies. Not much empathy. Also a bit misogynistic. Great combo, eh? I am going to let dh be in charge.