Hi all - just saw this thread, and approaching my wits end. Sorry for the long intro: First, I’m an only child. Parents divorced when I was 11. Mom, 73, moved 3 hours away with husband #3 about 12 years ago. She went from living in a suburban area with plenty to do, friends, etc. to an area where they are isolated.
Husband #3 is an alcoholic, at the very least I suspect mentally abusive and just overall not a nice person. He came with no savings, no retirement, no pension. My belief, and a close family friend’s as well, is that he has manipulated her to buy not one, but 2 houses, all sorts of toys for him, etc. He lived a lovely life while she worked like a dog. And, she’s allowed it to happen. For a variety of reasons, I haven’t seen my mom since August 2011. She hasn’t seen her only grandchild in that amount of time as well.
She has had several medical emergencies: brain aneurysm in 2010, subdural hematoma in 2010…she’s like a cat with many lives - lol. My involvement with her care during the brain aneurysm/subdural hematoma and sharing the “dirty little secret” of #3’s drinking with medical professionals during her recovery (because I didn’t think she should be released to the house) caused me to be written out of all medical decisions, written out of all care, and beneficiary, etc. #3 was key in that. It was a nasty time. I’m only given access to her doctors if she verbally tells them it’s ok because I’m not on any paperwork/directives. I talk w/ her every day and do love her, but she won’t let me “in”. The main reason for the estrangement is because she always sides with #3.
About a year and a half ago, she drove 75 miles away from her home to another state before she realized she was lost. After an expensive cab ride to the hospital, the doctor diagnosed a UTI. #3 was half in the bag and couldn’t assist. At that time I demanded him to have his name removed from all medical decisions, and mine on seeing I’m the only lucid person in her life. My mother acquiesced, but only “if he was unable to make the decision”. Super dee duper. That’s wonderful…and really useless. #3 is durable POA and beneficiary to all things.
3 fell a couple of weeks ago, getting an unknown amount of stitches in his hand (I never get the full story on anything). It became apparent that I needed to see her. It's an unpleasant house, to say the least. I went up yesterday and met her in a neutral restaurant. At 73, this once beautiful, vibrant, articulate and funny woman looks haggard, disheveled and 85 (and not a good 85...). It's heartbreaking.
The long and short is that yesterday, on my way home (the total opposite way she should have been going home), she was following me. I pulled over, approached her car and asked her where she was going. She said she was following me back to the town we met in (I was heading out of that town). She was completely lost, scared, didn’t know how to get back to her home. It broke my heart…and angered me that no one is addressing the things that I even see over the phone…her friends think “she’s fine”. Everyone has told me my suspicions are naught. My maternal grandmother passed from Alzheimer’s in 1994. I remember it well. I remember the signs and signals well. This, to me, is a huge flag. There were other flags yesterday, but this was the biggest.
I’ve addressed the possible dementia issue before - with her 2 friends and with #3: ie: she cries over things she has no emotional attachment to - news stories, for example, which while sad, wouldn’t cause me to cry, she’s been thinking it’s June for the past several days and there are other things that happen regularly. I’ve also addressed the fact that she may be depressed.
I’ve encouraged them to look to the nearest “metropolis” -using that term loosely - to see if there’s an assisted living facility there. There is. She would move, he wants no part of it. So, they stay. I’m always told that I “want nothing more than to put her in a home”. I can’t think of anyone who wants that for a parent, but whatever. I’ve also encouraged her to leave him…as you can imagine, that will never happen. Let’s remember that I have limited access to her…she has effectively shut me out.
So, this begs the following questions: 1) Is the getting lost/confused a red flag that something greater is going on? 2) How the heck do I proceed when they live so far away and she is obstinate and unwilling to let me help her…and in what I believe is an abusive relationship? 3) I want to be clear that I want no part in handling anything for #3. He has a child with whom he has been estranged for 35 years (shocking). My sole purpose is to give my mom the dignity she rightly deserves.
Thanks for letting me vent…any suggestions are warmly welcomed.
