Welcome to this thread. Posters here are kind, empathetic, good listeners and willing to share from our experiences. Would your mom at this point allow you to be listed as a co POA and medical proxy? This could get very ugly with #3. It may be advisable to consult with an elder attorney.
@ECmotherx2 great question. Not sure, to be honest re: the medical proxy and POA. It was a struggle to get the useless medical form that I got last year. Ever since I blew the whistle 7 years ago after her brain aneurysm, by telling her drs. the house wasn’t safe for her to return to because of his drinking, I’m seen as the enemy. I was actually thinking of an elder attorney consult. …
RE: Hearing aids
FIL’s fell out
When he was eating
Caramel corn
He chewed up the hearing aid 8-|
@kjs1992 Yes, consult an attorney. Also line up information on adult protection services in her state or county and perhaps contact them. https://ncea.acl.gov/resources/state.html
So sorry you need to be here.
Have any of you experienced being the magic person? The one and only person in the entire world with whom things are OK? My mother is so fixated on me, it’s rough. I went out of town overnight to see my DD and my poor DH is really struggling with her constantly obsessing over me. The day I left a neighbor stopped by, afterwards, my mother told DH she had hoped it was me coming home, having cancelled my trip. Jeesh! It’s so confining and she is so anxious. I am wondering about trying an anti-anxiety again, we tried it two years ago and Celexa and Fluoxitine both did not go well for her.
@kjs1992 I think an Elder Attorney consult is an excellent idea. In my case, with my Dad, his wife left him and he took a dramatic downward spiral (or maybe he was spiraling for several years but she didn’t care enough to notice). I was at a loss of what to do, and frankly waited too long. But eventually he ended up in the ER for a fall and was admitted and saw a psychiatrist, who recommended he go to an Psych facility that specialized in geriatrics. It was there he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and the social worker was tremendously helpful. He went from the Psych Facility to a Memory Care Assisted Living. I saw an Elder Care attorney. Because my Dad had set up a Trust (with my sister and I as trustees in case of mental incompetence (?)) and a health directive with me as the primary, we were able to take over his finances and his medical care. We still have some hiccups with the finances, so at some point I may need get guardianship.
@somemom Yes! I’m the magic person! I’ve never heard that term before but it’s perfect! My mother doesn’t live with us any more, but she did for a couple of years not too long ago. There was a lot of Resting Poor Me Face going on, waiting for me to make her world happy. No suggestions of self-care or community involvement were acceptable, the implication being that it was up to me to fix it by being around her as much as she felt she needed. I was ready to fly to pieces.
When she wouldn’t consider antidepressant / anti-anxiety medication, I ended up going on some myself.
I’m sorry for the pressure on you. It must feel like you can’t even draw a free breath.
So, while I think I know the answer to this, Law is not my thing…I’m assuming I’d have to look for an elder attorney in her state, no?
Yes, consult an elder attorney in her state.
@kjs1992, even though her doctors can’t talk to you, you can still talk to them. If she mentions an upcoming appointment, let the office know your concerns about her cognitive decline, even send a note with descriptions of specific behaviors. It’s easy to fake competence in a brief medical check-up, the doctor might not look for dementia in so young a patient without warning. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
“Magic Person” is the perfect term. My H was that person with his mom, despite having a sister who catered to her much more than he did.
It is a ton of pressure. I’m nuts about my own sons so I empathize. I try to remind myself that I have to let go. It’s tough.
I still miss MIL so much. 
Glad you’re here @kjs1992 but sorry you’re going through this.
Well the FIL/MIL made the car trip to and from CO from WI with their son (father of the groom). MIL purposely didn’t bring her dentures…she never got them properly fitted, evidently was pretty passive about it all and dentures would need to be ‘start from scratch’ - and the dentist was not very nice when GD brought her in to see about having better fitting dentures. MIL is now 89; FIL turns 90 in Dec - both are not in good health but medically managed pretty well with son being a pharmacist and making sure their medications are filled and taken (both have the pill box routine, and FIL is very good about them taking their meds as scheduled). She could have put the dentures in for wedding pictures but I guess she really doesn’t care. I can’t talk to her on the phone because she can’t hear me; she can hear DH with the lower pitched voice. She tried some hearing aids but either didn’t like them or didn’t like the cost. FIL has nerve damage with one ear from a stroke but has a hearing aid for the other and can hear better.
MIL had cancerous skin taken off her forehead, and then needed more skin taken off and a skin graft. Her thin white/grey hair was with the part on the other side…it would have looked better with some hair over the flesh colored bandage, but they did her hair the way she wanted it.
BIL took the 2 days traveling with his parents (and sick GF) and handed them over to his daughter (who is like a dau to her grandparents) - she had her 4 YO with her and the 1 YO was managed by her H sometimes separately. Even the GD and her H got worn out with them. They had handicapped accessible nice condo facility; they couldn’t get into the golf cart which would take them up the hill to the outdoor wedding site; fortunately they could get in our Highlander and H took a running start on the pavement and got up the short but steep gravel road. BIL and GF were able to enjoy a few days by themselves.
I did sit at the condo a few hours with FIL and BIL’s GF who is end stage pancreatic cancer, 82 lbs. GF did fine on the wedding and reception (rest, anti-nausea med and Morphine do wonders during a shorter time frame).
When MIL/FIL returned to WI they took a long time to recuperate from their trip exhaustion.
As with DD’s wedding last year, BIL could handle two days managing his parents. He did that with DD’s wedding and with his son’s wedding. His GF is going to stay with another brother and his W during an upcoming camping/fishing/canoeing trip with my H, SIL, and DD2. DD1, grand-baby and I will spend some time with my in-laws. Taking a trip into Iowa to see my sister and have a break. In-laws routine is what it is.
H sees the decline with his parents. It is what it is. They continue to be sicker than residents I care for in skilled care (nursing home). However their will to be in their home is having it work, not work well, but they are happy at home.
@kjs1992 Until you have medical backing, not sure how an attorney could plead for a larger, more official role for you. Until that diagnosis, she’s technically free to make her own decisions, whether or not you approve. And if she’s married, he might be seen as the logical POA/care manager, if nothing shows him unable. The fact of you disagreeing with him may not be enough. Nor his drinking if, similarly, that’s not proven in some way.
But see the attorney for help getting your ducks in row. I suspect you need a lot of documentation- her own ability to care for herself, accidents or disorientation, mood shifts, bills or house issues left untended, and more. Best wishes.
@lookingfoward thanks very much - I kind of feared that, as well and have been wrestling with that possibility. Thanks for your input.
@kjs1992, in response to your questions, yes, the confusion could be a sign of Alzheimer’s but also could be something else, such as a tumor or mini strokes; and one thing you could do even from a distance is find out whether there is an equivalent service to this in the state where your mom lives: Elder Adults-at-Risk help lines.
https://www.dhs.wisconsin.gov/aps/ear-agencies.htm. In Wisconsin, every county has a designated agency that takes reports (which can be anonymous) of suspected elder abuse.
I’m a magic person, too. What a perfect name!
My MIL is having a colonoscopy on Friday. I’ve made arrangements to have Mom cared for by D2, then D1, then H so I can drive MIL and stay with her the requisite eight hours after she gets home. Then, a few minutes ago, Mom first offers to go along and “help” and then states flat-out that she wants to go along with me. ARRGGHHH!
@somemom yes, but there are some advantages of neither of my parents recognizing me 
@kjs1992 I agree that I’m not necessarily seeing Alzheimer’s with your mom. With a history of a stroke, it could be vascular dementia or it could be stress related to abuse. I also agree I would consult with an elder law attorney and see what steps need to be done to allow you to best help your mom. As a medical provider, that is often not the best first step. A patient may seem fine and pass mental status tests and many “notes” are good head’s up, but may be viewed as family squabbles.
My brother started with just not remembering things we had talked about, he kept saying his short-term memory was “crap”. Then he and his wife came for a visit; he missed all the exits on the interstate that would have gotten him to my house, and ended up in downtown Memphis (I live outside of Memphis in N. Mississippi). I stayed on the phone with him and got him to my house, then he got lost in my house. My mother wanted her favorite fast food, and he asked me to go with him because he couldn’t remember where it was. That night my SIL made them a map of how to get home from here. The next day they took Mom and went out somewhere; he got lost, and was calling me over and over, getting more aggressive with each call; the problem was, he was calling my house phone and I was at work. His wife finally suggested putting my address in his phone (from the map my SIL had given them), and they got back here.
He managed to bamboozle his doctor into giving him anti-anxiety meds, but started back here (he lived outside of Nashville), decided it was too late to make the trip so he would go home and come the next day. He called me later in tears, he was lost in Nashville. I told him to put his address in his phone, he got home that way.
At that point, I demanded that his daughter go with him to the doctor; they first diagnosed one side of his brain was shrinking, then did the tests and diagnosed Alzheimer’s.
That was a long winded way of saying that getting lost was a major symptom that led to my brother’s diagnosis. There has been no Alzheimer’s in our family, my mother was old and senile with a lot of memory loss and some dementia, but not Alzheimer’s.
And a totem post to say that I was “the magic person” and it truly feels like you are unable to function outside of the sight of the dependent parent. I was lucky in that I had somebody during the day that Mom agreed to, so I was able to run my company. But I was expected to be within her grasp from 4 pm until 9 am every day.