Just took a 48 hour jaunt to do some long planned projects with DD, my DH stayed with my mother and it was rough. DH is not great at just going with the flow, he gets stressed and finds it difficult, I am ok with him learning from these experiences but my local DD affirmed that Gma had “zero marbles present today” and was talking to people who were not there and generally not making sense. In a great part that is do to her fretting about me being gone, she frets and worries and that makes her less able to deal with life, it eats away at her energy so she is less functional,
She is also obsessing about nursing homes- she has talked about the ones we visited (we did not) and talked about the brochures we collected (we did not) and looked for the staff when she thought she’d moved into one (she has not) and mentioned that DH & I are splitting up (we are not) and asked about her 87 year old neighbor dying in a car crash (she did not) and talked again about having to move to a nursing home (which we have not talked about.) A few weeks ago when she was being ridiculous about me doing something out of the house (I work from home so I am around way more than normal people) I told her she has three choices: nursing home with 24/7 staff; board and care with 24/7 staff or my house with 95% people present, sometimes not me. We followed up and agreed it would work and she could remind herself that she made this choice and she could embrace the choice and not freak out when I am out of her sight. Seems like that conversation from weeks ago is preying on her mind and leading her down all sorts of bad thought paths whilst she is under stress and not functioning well. I am not ready to make any decisions based on a new normal as she is still recovering from a multi week visit to my sister and I don’t want to make substantive changes until I am sure what normal will be in 2018.
A couple of things I learned caring for the in laws, when she is not making sense, I don’t try to argue with her, I don’t try to correct her, even when she is blaming us for things. It does not matter, she is not making sense so why bother stressing her by trying to correct her. Sometimes when she is doing extremely poorly, her proprioception is lost, she cannot be expected to direct her body to do what makes sense, cannot scooch over in bed, cannot sit properly in the chair, and I need to remember not to be surprised, not to expect her to be normal.
I think old people’s overall life function equilibrium is so very fragile, any little thing can take them into troubled waters and cause long lasting issues.
@somemom how is your mother’s nutrition? I ask because it made a huge difference with my father. 4 years ago, my brother discovered that my mother had put my father in the position of covering for her, as she settled into dementia (I live closest - 2 hours by car). With her memory failing, and him taking a sudden turn for the worse medically, we were forced to put them in an assisted living facility. She wanted stay near her home, but staying in her home with 24 hour care was not (and still is not) a possibility, due to her desire to hide her decline from us, and the resulting decisions she made. He apparently had fallen, and hit his head on a curb (at least that’s what he seemed to remember at one point when he was lucid), which precipitated his decline. She eventually took him to the hospital, and I was called because they were concerned about sending her home alone when he was admitted, so I went and made sure she was safe at home, before I returned home until he was discharged - at home I had a teen newly diagnosed with a serious mental illness. When my father was discharged, I discovered that not only was my mother choosing to eat poor quality food (cup of noodles for many meals, because it was the only thing with enough salt for her to taste, and other microwavable foods), but she didn’t think to prepare anything for him, so he was eating very little. I started the process to get meals on wheels and a daily visiting nurse, but it became clear even that wasn’t going to work due to the condition of their house. Then she took him to the ER again, but left before he was evaluated (but not before he was given an IV port - they left with that still in his arm). That resulted in the hospital calling for a welfare check and an ambulance ride back to the ER. It also resulted in the insistence by the state that they could no longer live in their house, it was not safe for them. Discharge was directly to an assisted living facility, but he still didn’t improve until he landed in a nursing home for 3 months, where they plied him with protein shakes until he regained some weight - it made a huge difference. He went from being unable to walk, sit up straight, or even feed himself, back almost to his old self. It gave us another 2 good years - he’s still alive now, but declining rapidly both physically and mentally.
I do hope your mother recovers fully from her trip. Living with the delusional thinking is rough - I see it in my father when I visit, and live with it on an almost daily basis with my daughter (who struggles without me present, as your mother does with you). You are doing well - no, don’t try to argue with her, because you’re not going to change her mind. Instead, work with her - if she firmly believes you visited a nursing home, “remind” her that you did so to reaffirm the decision to age in place, that it was to allow HER to have all options available to her. You might find that she is concerned about a nursing home because she wonders if that might have been the better choice. My SIL recently had to place her 98 year old mother in a nursing home for rehab, just before her own 2-week trip out of the country. She expected to have a discussion when she got back about transitioning her back home, but instead found her mother loves the nursing home, and wants to stay with her new friends. So much for feeling guilty about leaving her there during the trip!
While with WI family, found out about incident with MIL/FIL. FIL was falling and MIL tried to help; they both ended up on the floor. MIL not strong enough to hold FIL up, let alone get him off the floor. Easiest for MIL to crawl to the bed (phone at bedside) and call the helpful neighbor Ray. Ray was able to get FIL up and get things settled (Ray’s W is also a nurse). FIL has a medical alert (I think they both do but MIL resists). IDK if FIL just decided his W’s plan was better than pushing his alert button.
BIL and his W drive about 5 hours (each way) every 3 weeks to spend a weekend making sure they can do what they can do. They have lined up all kind of services that MIL/FIL then cancel, both free and low cost. They do get meals on wheels 5 days a week and have some services (like cousin who comes in two or three days - helps with groceries, local MD appts, etc), and do have housecleaning services come in, especially deep cleaning services.
In some ways we have to accept the way they want to live until it becomes where they have to have something different. DD/new baby and I will be with them for over a week - since I have been their DIL for over 39 years I have seen how they are as a couple and how they are as individuals; along with the decline, although we live 850 miles away. When my H is with us, I let him take over with them, which he does just like his brother that lives close.
We try to give them QOL while trying to maintain what they want.
H and I are 30 years younger than his parents (mine are deceased). We hope to age gracefully, but do have greater resources for managing our health and lifestyle.
I work in skilled care and rehab as a RN, so I see residents and families dealing with the various issues described.
One needs a lot of inner strength to deal with aging - both the aged, and their families who engage in assisting.
My frustration is with the lack of regard for others/selfishness/foolishness with the choices that many elderly make. I guess much of it stems from denial. In some ways it reminds me more of adolescence than of toddlerhood in that there is this mindset of “nothing bad is every going to happen to me.” And the hiding/concealment of incidents?? It’s like a teen trying not to get into trouble.
Obviously, I have no idea what it likes to be in my 80s. One of my mantras is, “You’re never useless if you can serve as a bad example.” I currently see many bad examples of elderly behavior on this thread and elsewhere. I hope I can be more cooperative if and when I get to that age.
Hoggirl, ME too. I hope to be cooperative, but I doubt I will, LOL My mom always said she’d be cooperative having cared for her Mom through end-of-life Alzheimers. But when it got down to it, no cooperation and complete denial of needing help cost her $1000’s in stolen property and late fees and scams. BUT, the one thing she did that stuck and helped us SO much was that when she made her trust (and making the trust was an unbelievable aid) she fought with her attorney to allow my brother and I to be the ones to declare her incompetent… no need for two Dr.s to agree or anything like that.
It took a year longer than I wanted to convince my brother, but once that was done, it was so easy to get the trust recertified in our names (co-trustees) and take care of her business for the 5 long years she lasted after that.
DH and I have a trust, but I didn’t get the incompetence clause in that I wanted, which would have been similar to Mom’s . But my advance directive includes pretty strong POA for perceived incompetence. I know I’ll think I am fine for a long time based on family history.
The only one who gave up control was my Dad and HE is STILL more competent and takes care of business better than I do. humph.
Father-in-law had his neurosurgery consult today. They will do the shunt procedure three days after ds’s graduation. The neurosurgeon had availability to do it sooner, but would not clear fil to travel that far so close to the procedure, so fil opted to put it off until after commencement. I think he is foolish for delaying it and extending the time he has the risk of a fall, but it is his decision. Thank goodness I have rented a golf cart to get them around on campus. It is still going to be a long, hard day. And fil will still be his complaining, critical, curmudgeonly self.
I have a question for the group. My mother is 79 and my father is 81. Dad is doing great - still lecturing all over the world, believe it or not. Mom is fading, though, She has gotten very forgetful. She takes care of their finances, and frequently forgets to pay bills. Their tax accountant told my sister that the last two years have been a disaster because Mom was so disorganized (and she was NEVER like that before). She was evaluated and passed the memory tests, to our surprise. But it’s obvious she’s not doing well.
They are already on the waiting list for a beautiful facility in Austin. Quite a few of my dad’s professor friends already live there. My folks go there to exercise and eat meals sometime. So at least that part of their situation is set.
They have a large house that is full of STUFF. Dolls, books, yarn, gifts from foreign colleagues, etc., etc. My sister and I know we have to get going to start clearing everything out, but it’s a daunting task. She lives near my parents, but she is the one who lost a son a couple of years ago and is still struggling, so I feel like I need to help out as much as possible. I plan on going down at Thanksgiving to dig in on the house. But we’re thinking the ball should be rolling before I get there. Someone told us about aging life care experts. I have a link to the people available in Austin to give you an idea:
@MaineLonghorn the CCRC where my late MIL had contracted to live had a home reorg service as part of their contract. They were designers who also helped with downsizing. Maybe your parents’ facility has some recommendations. If your parents have a local attorney, I’d also ask that office for ideas.
As for the hands-on you and your sister will be doing, @swimcatsmom mentioned a YouTube video on the “Bag A Week” thread where the person says “people overestimate what they can do in the short term and underestimate what they can do in the long term.” I sent that quote to DH and he found it comforting and encouraging. He’s trying to do this from 500 miles away. You’re thousands of miles away and have to make any contributions in gulps rather than sips, but if your sister is able to get involved, then shorter more frequent sessions might be easier for her.
@MaineLonghorn I think it might be easier to wait until your parents have moved? This is really difficult to do when your parents are still living in the house. My parents in early dementia would insist on looking through the stuff I wanted to give away and never look through it but not let me give it away. Really frustrating. I also found it took away from some positive interaction I could have had with them while they were still cognitively aware. I would focus on the office space and try to get that organized. Is your dad not willing to take over the finances? If not, you or your sister will need a durable POA and be on their bank account. Is your dad aware of her cognitive decline?
With my in laws, they moved out of their home of 50 years, under duress, much stress and arguing. He was very frustrated not to control everything. As soon as he was out we had an estate sale, we had pulled out the furniture & personal items they needed and estate saled the rest. No need really for all the other times we pushed to get rid of this or that the estate sale people took, I think, 25% of the total with a minimum of $2000-2500 guaranteed to them.
The sorted it all, the priced it all, then when it was over they arranged for a guy to come take the rest, he gave me, I think $200 for it all, with the agreement that I get rid of the couches (did CL over the next two days) otherwise he would take it all, but give me $0 as the couches get dumped at his facility.
So, no need for any sorting on our part other than personal items. I did check all drawers etc for any hidden valuables, did not find any.
BIL/SIL & DH/I were there for about 2-3 months between the move out, the estate sale, and the renovations for rent/sale of the house.
The most difficult aspect of the estate sale was figuring out how to answer questions about pricing honestly and yet not reveal (and there by argue we were doing a bad job) that jewelry, crystal and furs are worthless.
I second the idea of setting up online billing. I have done this for my MIL and I have access to the accounts. I have set up some of her bills as recurring debits, e.g., the property taxes, phone and cable bills and electric bill. I pay her homeowners insurance a couple of months at a time, depending on how much money she has available. I have her durable medical equipment on monthly debit. Other bills, like the oil for heating and the exterminator (her house is prone to ants), I pay as they come in. Since I wrestled control away from my SIL, I have actually been able to pay MIL’s taxes from her money and not mine and I have been able to reimburse myself for her groceries as I buy them. Before I was able to do this, I had advanced close to $4K to cover expenses of my MIL. I hope to get her in good enough order that I can start to pay myself back, which both MIL and H support. I transfer money from her SS payment to her checking account on the 3rd so her bills are paid. This has given everyone involved, except for SIL and the Home Shopping Network, peace of mind and happiness.
At one point, we thought about selling MIL’s home and started trying to clear it out. She is bed bound but every time someone tried to take something out to throw it away, she would call them in to her bedroom and demand that it be saved. Finally, we just started going out the back door where she couldn’t see! At this point, for tax and Medicaid purposes, we are not selling the house, so we have stopped trying to empty it.
I was never able to successfully get anything moved out of my mom’s house until she moved out of it- and believe me, we tried. She was a hoarder and even when I had help from siblings, she would undo the progress by retrieving things from the subdivion’s dumpster after we left.
Another visit, another crisis averted—just spent many hours visiting my folks. Dad was very tired and wanting to sleep pretty much all the time. He was also breathing very loudly and rapidly. I checked his oxygen and heart rate—the oxygen level was down to 91%, which is quite low (normal is 95-100% at sea level). Heart rate was low 80s.
We called the md paging service and dad’s internist called back. I told him dad’s symptoms and asked him to order dad two quick-acting medications he could take with the nebulizer my relative left dad. We picked up the Rx and used the machine to give dad the meds. He said no difference but we noticed that he perked up and his breathing was less labored and he wanted to go to dinner.
After dinner, his breathing was noisy and fast again, with his oxygen level up to 92%, so paged his internist again for advice. Was told to give him more inhaled medication and oral steroids that night and for the next 2 days.
I likely will bring him in to see the doctor on Tuesday. He was feeling better and even felt good enough to go to church today. His saturation rate is now 94%. It’s scary how delicate his condition is despite his denials.
We are at MIL/FIL’s now. I only go in the kitchen when MIL is not in there. This morning she puttered in the kitchen doing a few breakfast dishes…She likes her domain and wants to turn the clock back to when she was more able to do things.
For dinner last night, she wanted to put the ham in the oven while my H was out. She would not be able to lift the ham out of the refrigerator. She didn’t ask for my help - probably because she has been less than charitable to me/very grouchy, and too proud. I kept telling her to wait until H returned (he works very well in the kitchen with his mom). H was late, so I brought a pan to her (most of day is spent in recliner, usually sleeping) and asked if the ham should go in it, so I got the ham in the oven. When H returned, he did almost all of dinner preparation while his mom rested (she trusted that H was doing things the way she likes…). I had the dinner table set, I got all the groceries and wine we needed for dinner, and I did all the dishes afterward, although SIL was in the kitchen with me so we talked and I showed him the ropes/told him about grandma/grandpa’s routines…
Fortunately DD and baby will be with me the weekend at my sister’s in IA. A nice respite!
One good thing was that we were teaching DD/SIL how to play ‘dirty clubs/Euchre’ last night. FIL/MIL were pretty pleasant.
Any suggestions for keeping all residents safe and healthy when the non-incompetent care recipient feels cold all the time (to the point of wanting to turn on the heat on a 90-degree day) and the care provider feels hot when it’s 90 degrees outside?
Well… Time for me to join the club on this thread, I guess :-S
MIL had lived in her home, 850 miles from us and 300 miles from BIL, the nearest relative, until a series of events hurried a move to IL near BIL. That was about 14 months ago. This past March, she ended up in rehab/snc after a fall in IL and hyperparathyroid surgery. It’s obvious to H and his 2 brothers that she could not return to IL. Her mobility is severely limited door to arthritis and Parkinson’s. Similar to posts above she’s in denial, insisting she could take care of managing 24 hour care for herself in IL. Finally we all convinced her that a move to AL near our house (she lived in this area for 40 years prior to retiring in the south). So in effect this is a return home for her.
Anyhow we found a great place for her and brought her there yesterday. Sigh. Nothing is right, according to her. Everyone is stupid. The staff is too friendly. The hallways are to long. The bagel wasn’t toasted. There isn’t a ceiling light. On and on and on. She’s never happy where she is…ever. the"other place" is always better. And the"other place"? It’s wherever she isn’t.
Everything that has to be done is a huge chore. Heard an hour of complaining today since there were THREE stay forms that needed her signature.
H and I will need find a way to set clear boundaries, and in the meantime learn that we can’t make her happy no matter how hard we try. That’s a difficult realization since everything we’ve done, is done because we want her to be happy.
Thanks for letting me vent. I’m sure I’ll be doing so often…
When my dad was in rehab after a broken hip, he complained that he couldn’t see well enough to read. I brought him an IKEA floor lamp. It seemed like a very small thing but it really helped.
Of course it could very well be that you’ll never hear anything positive from MIL. But just a thought.
I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your MIL’s transition to a place that sounds beneficial for all.
At times when we are not comfortable with one emotion, we layer another emotion over it. Often, the uncomfortable or primary emotion can be sadness or loss. To cope it might be easier to express a secondary emotion, like irritation or anger.
If you think her complaints are an expression of loss, and you or your husband are comfortable talking with her about how she feels about the changes, like the sadness she probably wishes she didn’t have, perhaps that way you can circumvent the complaints.
but my local DD affirmed that Gma had “zero marbles present today” and was talking to people who were not there and generally not making sense. In a great part that is do to her fretting about me being gone, she frets and worries and that makes her less able to deal with life, it eats away at her energy so she is less functional,