So again I get KP duty. I got a very nice tasting watermelon and MIL was all ready to tell H he knows how to pick them. She was very disappointed that I was the one to make that purchase…
DD, baby and I have 3 days with MIL/FIL without the others here. Will see how it goes…
Thanks for the advice, everyone. I need it!
JustaMom - My mother complained about AL when we moved her there but eventually adjusted. Have you moved your MIL there already or did you just bring her there to see the facility? With my mom, I took her to visit 2 ALs and then she got to choose which one she moved to. It was a way of giving her some power, although she would’ve complained about either one. Going home was the only solution that would’ve been absolutely satisfactory and nobody coud convince her at the beginning that she couldn’t handle going home.
@ManhattanBoro - you make an excellent point. I do believe that her complaining is coming from a place of sadness - her body is not cooperating, she’s never truly recovered from the loss of FIL in 2009, she feels like she cannot adapt to new technology. I think trying to initiate a talk like you suggest would be a good idea - I’m sure H would not be able but perhaps I can try. My fear is that we will spend vast amounts of time trying to do the little, practical things to satisfy her (ie, like @oldmom4896 suggests, a lamp…extension cords…additional storage…etc, etc, etc.) when it’s not EVER going to do the trick. In the meantime she’s waiting for the world to reach in and make everything better, and not taking any ownership of her own happiness/contentedness.
@shellfell, she was not able to “choose” in person. She was 500 miles away and a “visiting” trip was out of the question. The new AL is in a town she is familiar with, and a few parents of H’s contemporaries are there…so she was totally on board with going ahead with that choice. In theory, anyway. Of course, while she was in SNC, this new AL near us…was “the other place” that I referred to in my OP. So - she expected Nirvana.
I’m feeling for H, who was the most optimistic of all, that she could find some contentment here. He’s an engineer - a problem solver - and this just can’t be solved.
I know, I know, it’s only been a couple days. Definitely some adjusting to do. In the meantime I just want to find a way for H and I to not take all the burden of her happiness.
Thanks for the advice, and the listening/understanding “ears”.
@JustaMom5465 welcome to our group. I’m fortunate that my parents, though no longer cognitively reliable, are glass half full people. But, complaints about “them” (usually a nebulous entity but sometimes at CCRC) became more frequent from my dad as his executive function declined. He blamed others to make sense of a world in which he understood less and less and lacked control. There was really nothing we could do for him other than listen (admittedly difficult) and try to order things for him as much as I could. Mom, always the one to be happy to let go of responsibility, was always fine.
But, if MIL is cognitively better off than my dad, it might help to make a list of complaints and see which ones (such as the lamp!) could be managed. It is a new place and if we moved to a new place, we would just make the necessary purchases and changes to make the space more livable. Our elders lack that ability and since they are used to doing it themselves, usually don’t know how to ask others for help.
Welcome and hugs @JustaMom5465.
We used estate sales for my mother while in AL and FIL after deceased. The first one also sold the house and car. Very valuable help. Referral was through our attorney and realtor. POA and executor were used for the sales which were obtained before.
We had all mail forwarded and paid most bills on line.
It was impossible to clean it out with them present, really impossible. We did this after AL and NH. We lived 1000 miles from FIL we drove there, packed up boxes of papers and anything that was of value to us ( jewelry , paintings) and drove home. At home it is easier to go through papers. My parents were 2000 mi away. I took a few pictures and had a desk shipped that my father made. My brother who lived 400 mi away took boxes of papers. We were both POAs and then I was the executor.
Bottom line, get POA if you can, and know where the Will is.
Hi, @JustaMom5465
I, too, am sorry you have to be here and that your mil complains so much. The denial is frustrating, and the complaining is draining! I agree with others about masking another emotion. I think it’s often fear. The unknown is scary to most of us, and the unknown coupled with lack of independence has to be even more so. But, when you do and do and do and NOTHING satisfies them, it is downright maddening. Our seniors face loss every day - loss of friends to death, loss of control over their bodies, loss of their cognitive function, loss of independence. I do try to see things from their point of view, and it’s hard having never experienced it.
Such kind and understanding words from my cc friends. Never did I imagine, when joining this forum in 2007, that I’d he getting valuable advice on THIS topic!
Well, today was one for the records. One of our loved ones was convince he was going to fly to the mainland and was sitting and waiting literally for hours in the front of his SR living center with spouse for someone to pick them up and take them to the airport. He wasn’t clear on exactly who was going, but he was sure he was supposed to go. Eventually, he said he was going to CA and then he said maybe he had to make the reservations and he might go today or tomorrow. Fortunately, he has made no move to purchase any tickets yet.
I told him we were going to the doctor. He was surprised and said he just saw the doctor (he did a few days ago). I told him it was to get better medications so he can breathe better, so he was willing and we went. We are still waiting to hear from the pharmacy that the order is filled so we can pick it up. I had to spend some time chatting with the doctor so he would prescribe the correct medication and method of delivery. It took a surprising amount of time and effort to get it right.
@himom -
At least he was just sitting and waiting. I remember about a dozen years ago, H and I were out to dinner with friends when the husband got a call that his dad was missing from his ALF in Florida (we are in NY). As he was calling around to his sister, who lives down there, and other people in the area, his wife (who’s a psychiatrist) got a call from the Port Authority police. Somehow, the dad, who was barely ambulatory, manged to make his way to JFK Airport. The wife’s number was listed prominently in the man’s wallet on the theory that since she’s a doctor, the police will call her. He’s been dead for about 7 years now and we still haven’t figured out how he managed to make his “midnight ride.”
Well, I’m glad no harm came of the confusion suffered by these folks. I guess the dad must have been quite convincing that he needed to get to airport and had the resources to make it happen, even in his less ambulatory state. Must have surprised that family!
Usually folks waiting for someone to pick them up don’t have the cognitive capacity to make arrangements so I’m amazed at the story about the dad making it to JFK. My mom is frequently waiting for her parents and sometimes the bus to pick her up. We will sometimes sit and wait with her. She often has her coat on and purse with her. Eventually, we usually convince her that they are planning to pick her up “tomorrow” or the bus doesn’t come till “tomorrow morning.”
This is a podcast about a senior center in Germany that put a fake bus stop in front of it for residents who thought they wanted to go somewhere:
A Bus to Nowhere
https://www.wnycstudios.org/story/121385-bus-nowhere/
Sleep issues:
Talk to me people, what works for the seniors. I’ve been posting about my mother having a really rough recovery from 6 weeks at my sister’s house, which is really sad, because my sister has a great set up with a separate little guest house, I’ve been waiting 8 years for sis to take a turn, now she’s retired and it looks like maybe it’s not going to work for Mum to travel 
She’s been back home about 6 weeks now, but had some setbacks. Finally she is starting to get better; however, she has begun getting up at night. The first time, she thought she had moved to an AL home and was trying to find the staff. We talked through that, got her back to knowing where she is and no more waking for a few days. YAY! Problem solved. Then I was out of town for a couple of nights, she got up multiple times and also the night I got back she was up repeatedly. Then she slept through a couple of nights. YAY! Problem solved. Now, she has awakened at least once the last three nights, one night she came into our room to look for us twice early in the morning (light out, but too early to be up) and that’ll scare a year off your life to wake up to someone in your room! Another night she was up in her bathroom and I made her go back to bed; this morning I apparently slept through her telephoning me at 6AM and at 7 found her at the front wanting to “see who’s here”
She is exceptionally sensitive to meds so I’ve been trying Tylenol PM, but that is not keeping her asleep. Could the Benadryl make her weird? (weirder?)
She has never wandered, never been up before this, so I see that it is manifest under some internal stress. We will work to remove the stressors, but I need to find a way so she cannot wander at night, there are too many steps at my home for her to be safe and they cannot be baby gated sufficiently. I need to find a way to keep her sleeping at night.
I know all about sundowning, but I’m not quite ready to assume this is a new normal, this might be threatening to be the new normal, but suppressable with stress reduction.
Whenever there is a change in behavior, the easiest thing to check is for a UTI, this may not be relevant here as many seniors will “flip” their awake/sleep times. We found with my aunt that melatonin and a little warm milk would help, this did not help my mother however. Is she on any new medication that she takes in the AM that may cause her to be sleepy, but then awake at night? We switched some of my mother’s meds to nighttime and added risperdal.
An anecdote about elders traveling- Last spring, I was waiting for a flight that was delayed. The incoming plane had mechanical issues and was switched to a smaller aircraft. As a result the airline foolishly bumped all passengers seated in “A” seats. This separated family, friends, etc. The announcement of names of those bumped were asked to line up at the counter. An elderly lady was behind me and started talking. She was VERY confused. I asked if she was traveling alone, first she told me her husband was with her and then said he was meeting her at the airport. I went to the gate agent and expressed my concern about her and asked if someone would take her out of the line, (at this point people were shouting at the agents), and speak with her in a quiet spot. The gate agent came to me later and said that she had been reported missing from her family’s home, her husband was deceased and she was not supposed to be traveling! They thanked me for my concern, got me on a flight leaving in 2 hours, upgraded me to first class and put a $150 credit in my credit bank.
She started on Aricept in March, (MMI =26/30, just the beginnings of cognitive decline had been seen, small amount of brain shrinkage on the MRI) there is some mention of weird dreams so I switched Aricept to morning instead of night. Googling any med and side effects is a jackpot of conflicting info. I don’t see why Aricept would cause sleep issues the past two weeks when there was no issue from early March to mid-May.
I can check on the UTI.
Did i previously link an article about elders not sleeping well/having disturbances, when they don’t get enough light (sunlight?) During the day?
Then there are brand new reports (new to me) that melatonin is triggered when light goes down in the evening, how important it is to have a darkened room, no sounds. SOSconcern may know more about these. And, watch too much daytime napping or how late in the day. But i suspect some if this is a natural change in rhythms.
For those of us younger, also hormones that trigger things like needing the bathroom.
Thank goodness you noticed and helped that confused wandering woman, @ECmotherx2! The world can be a busy, noisy, and very confusing place, especially for folks navigating unfamiliar turf alone with cognitive deficits. My relative said something yesterday when we were at the MD’s office—getting old isn’t fun.
Can someone educate me on the repercussions of “very, very low” vitamin D levels? I usually ask the doctor’s office for specific numbers but I was a little shaken at the time. Mom’s kidney specialist called right after Mom had informed me that all she was living for were her visits to Dad and that if she knew a few years ago how she would be now, she would have killed herself when she had the means.
BTW, her doctor is planning to send her for an IV of vitamin D. As for the natural stuff, her diabetic retinopathy makes her so sensitive to light that we have to keep shades drawn – I feel like a mole and I’m sure it’s contributing to my depressive state – and she hates to go outside. I do what I can to get her out of the house, but it’s not often.