@JustaMom5465 We transitioned my mom into a memory care facility in early February. The first three weeks were very, very rough. She hated it, cried all the time, and begged to be taken home. The facility told us to give her 6 - 8 weeks. By the end of the first month she was doing much better, by the 6 week mark, she was happy, now she’s absolutely thriving. Has gained some much needed wait, participates in all the activities, and most importantly is safe and well cared for. In that interim period, I had to keep reminding myself that she was safe and that was the critical piece. Give it time. Hopefully the adjustment will happen sooner rather than later.
@NerdMom88 Low vitamin D can impact mood, among other things - if your mother is depressed low D could be part of the problem. Good that they’re going to do the IV. May daughter had a very low reading (11) earlier this month, and she’s now taking a megadose (50,000IU) each week for 8 weeks to get it up to where it belongs, the IV treatment should hopefully be faster, but she’ll probably need supplements to maintain it. Hopefully a boost to her Vitamin D will boost your mother’s mood.
@NerdMom88 - I’m sorry. Those must have been very hard words to hear from your mother. My fil keeps his house dark and seems to have a sensitivity to light as well. Although, it’s hard to tell, because he is also cheap. I think even in his younger days he was constantly turning off lights to save money. But, it is no fun to live like a mole. I get gloomy even just being there visiting for a few days.
Called mil yesterday for a brief chat - she was headed out the door to play bridge so we didn’t talk long, but she did say, “I saw something about a June 1 deadline. Do we need to reserve the comfortable seats or are you doing that?” Ummm, there are no comfortable seats - it’s a football stadium (though some are stadium seats - those would be the ones that will be in direct sunlight - see potential light sensitivity above). The June 1 deadline she saw was only for requesting the temporary disability parking pass. “Are those seats first-come, first-serve?” Me: “Yes” Her: “Oh, dear.”
This is the problem - fil is going to think he is going to get special treatment (because his personality expects this - he has ALWAYS viewed himself as the exception to the rule), but he isn’t. The website, the emails they have sent, make it very, VERY clear about the challenges of the day, heat, sun, no shuttles, all seats first-come/first-serve. I have forwarded all this information to them, but I think it’s just overwhelming to them.
@momofsenior1 - THANK YOU! That is our mantra as well. “She is SAFE and everything she needs is right here, whether she realizes it or not.”
Can I ask - for those of you with loved ones in AL - how are meds administered in your facilities? MIL’s has RN’s and LPN’s on duty, but it may (depending on the medication) be a med tech who is actually giving Mom her medications. The med tech has, of course, some level of training, but is not a true NURSE, thus their knowledge level on the medications is limited. MIL (a retired nurse) grills them every time and has ranted and raved to anyone that will listen about how stupid they are, she can’t believe they’re allowed to hand out medications for people to ingest without knowing all about them, they’re not licensed, etc etc etc. Me, I’m sort of trusting the process here because I don’t know better. Thoughts/experiences?
On a positive note, she loves the food at her new home!! And last we saw her, her mood was a little brighter…for now anyway…
Can see the regulations for your state which would spell out what is allowed regarding medications @JustaMom5465.
Dietary services at the skilled care/rehab center I work for do a very good job with their food. They work really hard to meet all the residents’ needs and desires. I always eat lunch or dinner there (depending on the shift I work) and I find the food very good.
At high end senior care facilities, the dining preparations are also often high end. It seems a shame that many seniors just have very limited dining enjoyment due to decreased calorie intake and medical conditions. It seems one works hard to have a great retirement and mind and body fall apart.
D2 is licensed to give out certain meds (she had to test over time and get state approval,) But is not a nurse, not even close. (She’s on the mental health side.) The person should be trained in reactions to look for or what not to combine, but deep questions aren’t their specialty. Even a nurse in a busy place, dispending to many and on a schedule, can’t stop to answer everything.
I agree the food at some places can be quite good, especially when there’s some competition to attract residents. But one major issue with both my GM and mother (independent living) was getting offerings tailored for a diabetic (mom.) Just not available. And even though she was competent, she didn’t know how and what were wise choices.
One of our residents had a W that was a RN. She was fairly feeble (in late 80’s) but occasionally with visit would want to check over the medications her H received.
The head of food services (or a dietician consultant) may be state required as well. I know our facility has a registered dietician in charge.
Wise food choices - a resident can have all the information presented for them, but unless someone over-rides their poor menu choices…
@JustaMom5465 FIL has no medical background, but is own borderline paranoia had him grilling the med people every time and often refusing certain meds. He could not remember what was what and why he took them, but he was still allowed to make those decisions about which meds he wanted which day.
At first in the AL (kind of functioned like a hybrid ambulatory NH) my mother who was 92 at the time with mild to moderate dementia hated it. Then she realized the things were done for her, people were there to talk to, and she started to feel special. She at first yelled at me and it got ugly for a while. The AL told me not to visit for the first 2 weeks and give it time. She thrived eventually on the activities and follow the calendar closely to go to them. Eventually her dementia worsened, but she was very well cared for, comfortable, they did a great job with her ‘home’ room as she called it. I knew that her real house was not safe and not an option anymore.
At my parents AL they go up to the nursing suite for morning and meal time meds. Evening meds are brought to them. There is always an LPN in the suite but often I see a tech actually giving the pills and water to residents. My dad is insulin dependent and so an LPN or RN has to administer that and check his blood sugar just prior, in order to calculate the dose.
I have seen techs administer eye drops and so forth too.
Since my parent’s are at a family care home, the aides do everything, including administering medications. The RN director is frequently supervising and yesterday, I heard her in discussion with one of the aides about a medication discrepancy and procedures discussed and re-evaluated. I feel if family members and individuals can dispense medications to themselves and family members without having a nursing degree, why not others trained to dispense medications? But, my parents don’t care to question anyone about the medications. Perhaps your mom could have an appointment with the RN to discuss the medications and their schedule? But, it sounds to me like she is finding things to bother her. As a fellow nurse, I get it and I’m sure I will be this way in assisted living when I have not control over self-administration. It will bother me that someone else, not as well trained as myself is administering my medications.
I was out of the country for 2 weeks and visited yesterday. It seems the geriatric psychiatrist helped as dad was cheerful and affectionate with everyone. He has bonded with a new resident with moderate, and not as severe as dad, dementia. He babbles at her and she laughs and smiles, he laughs and smiles, and their non-verbal interaction is delightful to see. The resident who always “fusses” at dad, and trying to correct behaviors she doesn’t understand, is very put off by their interactions and trying to continue to fuss at him while they are having a grand old time, is being ignored. Much passive, aggressive grumbling from her. Mom is still oblivious.
I am delighted that they are cared for and H and I could get away for such a long time! It seems also, for both of them, we are just another visitor who comes by. Dad has gotten very social and interacting well with all the family members of other residents who come by.
What a wonderful thing you did for that woman.
My friend’s dad, they guy who went to JFK from Florida, was far more orthopedically challenged at the time that he was mentally, although he was starting to slow. He had traveled quite often for business during his working life so he probably had the muscle memory, so to speak, to do the airline thing. He had an account with a local cab company that billed monthly so he could go to his doctor’s appointments, etc. and that seems to be how he got to the airport. In any event, when my friend got there, his dad did seem surprised to see him. They brought him to their house, he visited for about a week and then my friend flew back down with him. Tighter controls were instituted - the cab company had to confirm his ride with someone at the ALF after that.
The “charge nurse” at the AL facility my mother was in became my enemy almost the first day. I asked where the RN’s were because I had a question, and she informed me there were NO RN’s, she was an LPN and she was in charge. I had asked her to do something for my mother, there was no rush; later I was chatting with my step-daughter and this nurse walked by. Jill and I were talking about our children, but I guess we idly watched the nurse walk past and she thought we were talking about her (Jill was on management staff); she came over to me and assured me that she was going to check on Mom as soon as she finished the chore she was doing. After that, any time we were engaged in conversation, she did everything in her power to minimize everything I said. She blatantly said things that had no grain of truth in them; I had to hold myself back from getting really ugly. Luckily, most of the nurses on the memory care unit that Mom was in were delightful creatures. Of course, it had to happen that the exception to that was on duty the morning she was nearly dead when her caregiver got there. There was some pushback when I demanded she go to ER.
I do think that if things hadn’t spiraled downward for my mother, she would have adjusted to the place, it had a lot of good qualities and the aides loved her.
I don’t know many of the staff at the SR living place where my folks are in an independent unit. The residents are given the choice to participate or not and basically can have meals in the cafeteria and maids wash bedding and do light cleaning once/week. They also check on residents if no one sees them all day, but otherwise residents are pretty independent until they are re-routed to assisted living.
Just wanting to say that I’m glad we spared my loved ones who are having varied health challenges from attending my nephew’s HS grad ceremony. It would have required them to walk long distances and be there for hours, way past their normal bed time.
Instead, since there was a live broadcast and my sister (mom of grad) shared the link, I visited the folks and shared it with my relative on my phone, so we even watched nephew accept his diploma on stage and hug one of the deans or school president via the video.
Meanwhile the other loved one was comfortably taking his Rx and watching sports on TV.
Rather than duplicate a post from elsewhere on CC, there was a very good post which I received from a friend via facebook - it is on the retirement thread.
Helpful checklist on us, the sandwich generation moving into being senior citizens, and perhaps ‘advice’ for our senior parents/elderly relatives/friends.
Interesting observation, my mother cannot find her mouth with a spoon with her eyes closed, but can with her eyes open. What does that signify?
Does she have alzheimer or dementia? There can be cerebellum degeneration causing neurological symptoms. Or, it can mean very little!
She has the beginnings of cognitive decline 26/30 on MMI, when she stresses herself she is worse, other times fine, so just starting down that path at 92.
Having trouble with my mother’s assisted living after two and a half years of good relationship (I even taught Tai Chi there). Things have soured over their reaction to a couple of falls which they claim (and may have been but we are not sure) were related to alcohol.
My mother has a "cocktail hour’ that is quite rigid, followed by dinner and bed. But she has dementia and can of course no longer drink the same amount she has always had. It is also possible that she forgot she had two and had a third. Her jigger, used to measure gin, is about twice the size she thought it was, a fact that she refused to accept despite my measuring it in front of her.
So apparently the state asked why this resident had falls in a certain period of the day. AL then forced us to send her to detox in a geriatric psych. facility where she had kidney failure for 5 days, untreated by the facility despite blood tests (issue was caused by a cardiologist med change). The geriatric psych. unit put her on gabapentin which made her dementia much worse (as did the move to the unit of course) and Lexapro.
I got her discharged to a medical hospital, calling in the morning and using the firmest voice I could muster. Her kidney issues/severe dehydration were treated finally and she went back to AL in 4 days, now off the psych meds. She didn’t remember the AL at that point and seemed very confused. It took her some time to recover, or stabilize I should say, after two moves.
Once back at AL , fully “detoxed,” she went to lunch where her friends were served wine on Wine Wednesday. She had NO idea why she wasn’t served and was like a kid at a birthday party who doesn’t get cake. That afternoon she marched over to the pub for two one ounce drinks (diluted with water) and has continued to go every day. This amount of alcohol is a small fraction of what she had had her whole life.
The administration had told me that she could NOT have any alcohol in the room, repeatedly. They are always vaguely threatening that she will be moved upstairs or kicked out but don’t admit they ever said that. (I would have refused the detox otherwise since moving was detrimental and there are other ways to reduce alcohol; she certainly did NOT need detox according to the geriatric facility…it was just to save the AL’s butt with the state).
In a meeting with administration with my mother, they now told her that legally she CAN drink in her room, they cannot stop her. This is very different from what they have been telling me and I feel betrayed honestly. They lied to me but my mother was so persistent in her questions that they told her the truth. I asked over and over again but didn’t get the right answer.
So the deal is, the AL sent her to detox and can show on record that they tried to address the situation. After that it is on us, the family. The whole detox things, which was destructive to my mother, was to avoid liability for them due to the state seeing a record of falls. They don’t actually seem to care whether she drinks or not. LIability is now transferred to family. Fine. It’s a business and has protected itself, but they did so in such a manipulative manner that it feels awful. I thought we were working together!
Now, my brothers and I get constant, repetitive requests for gin Anytime I take her out she asks me to take her to the liquor store. I am talking about many times a day. Meanwhile, she is causing big scenes in the pub asking for a third drink (sometimes because she forgot she had two and sometimes because she needs more; one time she claimed to have spilled her drink so she is crafty), or complaining that the drink is all water.
I can sympathize to some extent because going to the pub is a huge change in routine. She used to veg out the way we all like to do, sit in her chair with a drink and watch the news, eat in her room, then bed. She now has to go down at 4, pub until dinner at 5 and is out of her room for more hours than previously. She thinks she misses the routine but perhaps she also missed the extra ounces of gin!
I went to the AL yesterday with hearing aid batteries and found my mother with activities and nursing director outside the pub, shaking with rage. They said, “what do you want?” and she replied “Freedom!” The directors told me other residents in the pub were getting riled up too , in response, complaining about being treated like children. Many residents are sharp and well-educated people.
I tried to talk to the nursing director, who used to be so friendly and with whom I felt are family worked well together, and she acts angry and tells me this issue cannot take any more of her time. She does not want to let me know when there is a scene, she has other things to do that are more important. I can understand that, but it could be said more courteously.
The relationship with the AL has soured completely, 100%. I don’t see the endpoint of this situation in terms of my mother’s demands. I honestly think abstinence would be easier- she forgot about gin while away from the AL!
Moving her will cause confusion. But it may be the next step.
Does anyone know of an AL that is a sober facilty? I called around and they all have pubs and drinking in their rooms.
If there was a way for me to bring her measured drinks every day I would but that is ridiculous. They won’t take a doctor’s order. There is no way to control her amounts, due to dementia and also dependence- other than provide it from the outside, and the pub’s diluted one ounce drinks are going to continue to pose problems. She does not have the cognitive ability to try to limit or eliminate drinking and my many explanations of physiological changes aren’t retained or even understood.
Any advice??? Sorry for the length!!!