Here is a useful article shared by @Mary13 on the book club thread: https://itk.thehill.com/opinion/healthcare/410417-the-cost-of-not-talking-about-death-to-dying-patients
Wishing you all the best with your parent issues.
Just letting you all know that it appears that my mother will recover her abilities to walk, urinate and defecate independently. She now able to control the timing of her functions, though still using a bedpan, and she has been able to take several steps holding onto a walker once the PT staff hoists her into a standing position. I guess she just needed to stay out of the hospital long enough to be able to have a consistent amount of physical therapy! I am so relieved.
@somemom Well said. I know my parents have always told me they don’t want to be a burden on me. Knowing this, helps my feelings of guilt. Has your mom had a psychiatric consult? There might be some help for the anxiety your mom suffers.
@TheGreyKing I am glad for the uptick. Hope it lasts through the holidays and you can enjoy every minute. Good for the PT support!
@somemom, I used to swear that Mom planned her crises so that they would hit when I was most unable to help. Later I realized she didn’t really have the mental capacity to do so, but her anxiety ramped up to accomplish it. You do what you can, you had a plan, sxxt happens is about all one can say. You did a good job.
magic person … I hadn’t heard that term before.
My Mom’s been gone a year, still the messes continue. We got conned by a bad contractor for a roof for an office building Mom owed (it is on the market but NOTHING is moving in her small town). It rained, Damage at $150,000 (half the worth of the building basically). I get discouraged that IT NEVER ENDS. But at least she isn’t there, hurting anymore.
I took my mother to hand therapy today (twice a week) and MD yesterday and tomorrow. Every time I leave she calls me and says she misses me and cries saying she is scared. I really wish I had persisted with the idea of living with her. I am getting tired of driving there every day and worrying about her when I leave. Assisted living = loneliness for some.
She said she would get a two bedroom suite there and get me to live there, today.
On another note, there was poop all over the toilet, the toilet paper roll, and it was smeared all over the top of the sink cabinet. I cleaned it. What are we paying so much money for?
I have asked again and again that someone prompt her to put on pull ups for nighttime. I think she says no and they just walk away.
I told her today that in the spring when my lease is up, we can revisit living together.
@compmom I totally get where you are coming from. Living with her will have its challenges but assisted living is lonely for some indeed. It may be less work and stress to have her with you not to mention cheaper if you are tidying up anyhow, she needs reminders etc.
@TheGreyKing good news! Physical Therapy can really work
@compmom I think it’s clear that your mom’s assisted living situation is not working, and she needs a higher level of care. But, I think the stress of your mom not getting enough care at the AL is too much stress on you. Either a move with you, memory care, or skilled care makes sense. But, have you considered hiring a sitter to be with your mom for part of the day/evening?
@TheGreyKing Fantastic news! Such a relief for your family. Thank you for letting us know.
@GTalum, I think the idea for an evening sitter could help, @compmon could the sitter get her ready for bed and maybe set up clothing or whatever her needs will be for the following day? The current AL does not seem able to meet her increasing needs.
Thanks all. Had a good talk with MD and with my mother today. Getting PT in to strengthen her, we discussed depression and inactivity, her hand is working a little again, and she did agree to pull ups last night. CT scheduled for tummy. I got some friends to visit her today too. Going to support group for ideas tomorrow. Thanks again. We all just keep plodding I guess. AL nurse was really nice today and said something about our tenacity 
Grey King, so glad to read about your mom.
@compmom - reading your post too quickly, saw your plan to get PT in for strengthening exercises and then saw she agreed to pull ups. I was initially impressed with her physical stamina; then chuckled when I realized what pull ups you were more likely to be referencing.
Laughter: I sure needed it while in the midst of eldercare. Hang in there. Hope it all goes well. Tenacity for sure.
I thought that too and was very impressed! Agreement to Pull ups is good either way
On to push ups next!
Any ideas/experiences for what to do when your family member can no longer safely get into your home for holidays? Struggling between not having them miss out and maintaining traditions for my own family. And there is the ever present anger at my sibling who hasnt seen my dad for almost a year and has never had a holiday where he was with him since moving into AL or really ever with either of my parents. But thats just me in toddler “its not fair” mode! ?
Depending on distance, is it possible to add the tradition of visiting elders before or after (for appetizers or dessert) the traditional celebration in your home?
@Aekmom - As my father became less mobile and his memory loss progressed, I found that going to visit him, bringing a piece of pumpkin pie after our Thanksgiving dinner, for example, worked well for all. As his care facility was a half hour away, in hindsight, I see that my sentimentality around having him here for the holidays endured even when it was past the point of being optimal or something he was focused on. It can be a poignant transition, yet at some point be best all around. Travel, a “new” environment and lots of holiday commotion can tire an elder. Sometimes, we’d have family members visit him in smaller groups over a couple of days which also had benefits.
High five on disappointing (re: elder engagement) siblings. Mine missed out on a lot…
I’m concerned about the holidays too. We will all be down for xmas but we’re back and forth about bringing xmas to her in the facility or taking her back to the condo for the full family meal. She hasn’t been back to their condo since we moved her last year and the fear is that “going home” will be too stressful for her and that we’ll struggle getting her back to the facility. I’m personally leaning towards spending xmas morning with her in the facility, bringing in a nice brunch, etc but I don’t know what my dad wants. I’m going down next week and we’ll talk through it in person.
@Aekmom I agree with @travelnut. I continued trying to have my parents over past the time it was optimal. It would leave them confused and out of sorts. I was trying to continue the tradition to meet my own emotional needs. We just came by with pie.
As to sibling engagement, posters here will note my continued frustration at my sister in law, who visits maybe once a year (though doesn’t look like she is coming this year) likes to make assumption about what my parents are, or are not, capable of instead of deferring to my judgement. I try to ignore. But it is hard.
I was just thinking about the holidays too. The last couple of years we brought my Dad to my house. His dementia has definitely progressed, so I have not decided yet what to do. I take him for a ride in the car about once a month but I have not taken him to my house since last Christmas.
On the topic of siblings: I have three, and all four of us have made substantial, while varying, contributions to assisting our mom this year vis-a-vis her knee replacement surgery.
My ex-husband is full-time caregiver for his very disabled 92-year-old parents. He also has three siblings. Two of them have not visited their parents in at least 3 or 4 years.
Thanks everyone…always good to know I am not alone with sibling issues…hard to manage the feelings sometimes as we get stretched in a million directions and they live oblivious blissful existences traveling and thinking only of themselves but the hand will be outstretched when it comes time to execute the will
As to holidays I think it is my own sadness/guilt…memory loss/disengagement is pretty significant but the glimmers make you feel like they will really notice. Plus the AL does big holiday meals that families can join for so we could do that but my kids value our foodie family traditions…struggling with being enough