@TheGreyKing I am so sorry for your loss. That must have been heartbreaking to watch.
@TheGreyKing, I am so sorry. May the memory of your father before that terrible end be a blessing.
@TheGreyKing I’m so very sorry! I pray the good memories will eclipse the painful ones.
So sorry @TheGreyKing, I hope you will find comfort in you lifetime of memories.
Condolences, @TheGreyKing. Wishing you comfort.
So very sorry, @TheGreyKing
@TheGreyKing, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope your lifetime of good memories gives you comfort in these difficult days.
Thanks to all for your kind words. My best wishes go with you and your loved ones as well.
Condolences @TheGreyKing
@TheGreyKing , sending condolences. This is a hard journey all along.
Your words brought back memories of watching my mother gasp her last for three days. I miss her more now because at the time there was grief mixed with relief that she was finally free. Now I can just miss her.
Oh @TheGreyKing I’m so sorry. You must be exhausted. No words, really. Thank you for seeing this through and for sharing it with us.
@TheGreyKing I am sorry for your loss. Dealing with a parent who becomes agitated is exhausting and I am going through that right now so I can’t imagine the other burdens on you too.
Does anyone sometimes feel like they are collapsing under the weight/stress of caring for elders? Last night, after the 5th phone call of the day from my dad (which entails trying to talk him down that no, mom isn’t in jail, yes, meals are being provided for him, yes he has a bed, yes, I’m convinced mom is not being held hostage) over and over and over, I just lost it.
I started punching the sofa pillow and yelling at it, so much so that my H came running and thought I was being murdered or something. I just could not stand the relentless calls from dad, while dealing with mom’s stroke recovery and grieving the cognitive loss that mom suffered. I had a good cry, a really good cry, and was able to settle down but I think it kind of scared H a little.
Today we agreed that I would tell the ALF and caregiver agency that I may let more and more calls go to voicemail. They can’t calm him like I can, but at least they are being paid to sit with him and they don’t have the emotional layer that I have of missing my “old” dad.
I also may need to look for a support group or something. I am normally the type of person who never appears flustered and takes everything in stride and I guess I have been holding on to this stress for too long. I always thought I was a pretty strong person and I am disappointed that I let things get to me so much.
Assuming I have company in this and I am not the only one flipping out every so often~
It is exhausting to deal with a parent who is confused but one who is agitated must be MUCH more tiring. I’m so sorry, @surfcity. It tires me when my folks call repeatedly to confirm whether or not we are doing x or y and what date and time that will be. 5 minutes later, another call, rinse & repeat. It’s really sad and tiring. Having a parent who has weird delusions that their spouse is being held hostage or worse must be really draining. I’m so sorry for all who are dealing with these crises. They ARE totally draining–for the person calling and the loved one who is trying to calm the agitation.
@surfcity you are NOT alone. you are NOT weak (OMG!!! Stupid not Strength is not asking for help that you need!
)
I can’t even…
This is a heavy heavy heavy load and you should look for support, ask for help, tell the ALF to pick up some slack. What will your parents do when YOU stroke out or drop from a heart attack? Had your blood pressure checked lately?
I hope you find some help, and you are OK with getting more support. We are hear to listen and witness, which, when I was in the trenches actually helped a lot.
I’m flipping out often and I’m probably not fun to be around. I feel so exhausted and drained by my mom’s situation. I keep wondering how I’ll ever be happy again. I still have other responsibilities and relationships that I’m finding so hard to attend to. I have a brand new granddaughter! My mother doesn’t have dementia or memory issues. Her issues are all physical and most revolve around her lack of motivation. She has lost fifty pounds in a year. Today I had a very tough conversation with a hospice coordinator and and my mom. Hospice will start caring for her next week. I have no real idea what this means. It could go on for a month or a year. My mom is always telling me that she wants to die, but I think the realty was tough for her today. It’s heartbreaking.
I feel for all of you.
Big hugs to you @surfcity!
Good for you for setting boundaries with the ALF. It IS their job to help calm your dad and as you pointed out, they can do that without the emotional burden. You need to be strong and not answer the phone. Turn it off for parts of the day if you have to.
Getting support whether through a group or one on one counseling is smart. It was a life saver for me.
You can’t take care of others without taking care of yourself first. Your mental well being is as important as the physical.
More hugs!
@surfcity Oh gosh you are SO not alone. I’ve mulled over finding a support group for the past two years. I’m usually fine, but having my mom live here, being responsible for her 24/7, no breaks or help from siblings, dealing with complete incontinence, repetitive questions thousands of times a day, frailty and worry over walking and falls, forcing down liquids, pills, food, etc.
Embarrassingly, it’s the changing and clean up that sends me into a melt down. I know nurses, aides, etc. deal with this all the time- but I very strongly did not want to ever do this. When a person has no idea if they’ve gone, are going, are about to go, all while in the middle of being changed, the messes are epic. It’s so hard to maintain patience with all that happens in a day.
More hospice orgs are starting dementia family caregiver support groups. The new program locally is once/month, knowing caregiviers don’t often have time for more than that. Like this thread, there can be comfort in meeting others undergoing the same.
I admire your efforts. Not everyone can do what you do. And it’s ok not to be a superwoman/man. Yes, I would let calls go to voicemail. Or have times when you just turn the phone off. Or let an aide do more hours, if that can be afforded. The strain is monumental. Meanwhile, you have jobs, spouses, kids, you community- and yourself.
And you need breaks to protect your own mental health, ensure your own constitution is well enough to endure our own aging and frailties.
I’m sorry to say that not eating is a sign of the extreme decline.
To thegreyking: my condolences, also.
@psychmomma I honestly don’t know how you do all that. You are wonderful. You do need a break from somewhere. I hope you can get that. I can imagine that the hardest part is the changing and the clean up. My mother is so embarrassed with all that, and I am too. Such a loss of dignity. You’re right, the messes are bad… odors, the stains.
@TheGreyking So sorry for your loss
To everyone else, hang in there.
@surfcity the weight/stress of taking care of elders is so difficult couple it with kids and the rest of your life days can seem near impossible. Support group may make things better and delaying the calls. Hope the AL helps calm him
@psychmomma the 24/7 is so rough. The path you have is not an easy one at all. The no breaks and the decline of a loved one with no help is devastating. So many of us can relate. Finding a support group may help as you will hear in you are not alone in all of it