@surfcity another hand raised, you’re not alone! And my mother has nowhere near the difficulties many elders (and their families) mentioned on this thread are facing. Tears, outbursts of temper, morosely lying in bed instead of getting up in the morning . . . Have had two appointments with therapist and looking forward to more. She says many if not most of the people who see her do so to handle caring for elderly parents / family.
@TheGreyKing I am so sorry for your loss. Remember the good things
@psychmomma I completely understand the struggle with doing personal care. I admire that you are continuing to care for your mom alone. I couldn’t do it. 
@TheGreyKing I’m sorry your father’s final days were so difficult. Like yours, my father was delusional and flailing. It was so hard to witness, and such a helpless feeling. In my father’s case, the hospice nurse was an angel. She was very calm and kept reassuring us that “this is the hardest part for the families.” It was awful.
You said something about wanting to get past those images so you can remember the good times. You will. Give yourself time. Everyone is different I know, but I’m only now starting to mostly picture my father when he was healthy, and he died in October. I’ve found that I’m continuing to heal as the months go by. I’m also finding myself forgiving him for the ways in which he wasn’t the dad I needed him to be.
Again, my condolences on your very recent loss.
Thank you all for your kind words, and I wish all of you the best with your families.
Thank you everyone for your support and for making me not feel alone when I had a bit of a meltdown over the stress of caregiving and watching parents decline. It is really helpful to know others are experiencing the same emotions.
It is so hard to practice “One day at a time” and “It is what it is” but that is what I am trying to do. Hope you all have more good days than bad . . .
@TheGreyKing - I am so very sorry for your loss. I truly cannot imagine having to witness that. My heart aches for you. I do hope happy images and memories will soon emerge for you.
@surfcity, @psychmomma and all the rest of you who are dealing with these tremendous challenges, I am in awe of your love and devotion to your parents. I agree with others that self-care is so important both for mental and physical health.
When my father-in-law passed unexpectedly in August, one of my dear friends said that all we can hope for is a long life, and a quick death. As hard as his passing has been on my mother-in-law, I am thankful (that truly seems like the wrong word choice) that he never really lived in a deliberated state. My mother-in-law is about to turn 80 and is in marvelous shape right now. I continue to read this thread in hopes that I can gain greater understanding and knowledge should we face similar situations with her some day.
My own parents both died when I was 24, and I will never know these experiences on such a personal level as you. I have many, MANY friends dealing with these issues, and I truly want to be as supportive to them as I can. This thread helps me to see the struggles with which they are contending. Thank you for sharing your experiences in this forum.
Ah, @Hoggirl, true words your friend spoke. My Dad was terminal for nearly 4 years, but only on hospice for a few days. It was just right. My poor Momma has now lived much longer than she wanted, her loss of mental capacity is so very sad and she would not want this. I do not want this, someday, to happen to me, but I’ve no idea what she could do about it ;(
My father died in January 2004, one month after having a massive stroke. He was 84. The final month of his life was difficult for us all but before that, although he was not in great health, he could still take some enjoyment from life and was not in great pain or disability. We felt fortunate that he did not suffer more or longer after the stroke.
@TheGreyKing I’m sorry for your loss. I hear you about the ER visits due to behavioral issues. I moved my dad after the first ER visit as I saw no end to sending him to the ER, waiting half the night, and going back, eventually to be sent again. The care home has been wonderful with redirecting.
@surfcity raising my hand. I am in 2 support groups.
@ams5796 It is hard to watch you mom waste away. My mom is below 90 pounds as well.
We were going to place her in hospice for failure to thrive, but seems to have rebounded a bit. She is eating some but some aides are, IMO, pushing her too much to eat. My mom, who never raise her voice, even yelled at them to leave her alone at breakfast. I have explicitly said encourage is fine, but don’t push. But I know there is a fine line.The hospice nurse came by, I saw she wasn’t going to be a good fit (cognizant of stories here) and I refused. We did call another hospice.
My mom was bedridden in home hospice for seven months, after refusing an amputation to treat a wound that wasn’t healing. She was a long term—almost 50 years—type 1 diabetic and all the side effects kind of snowballed in her final years, as she and we always knew they would. I also hated doing the incontinence care…I was so embarrassed that it bothered me as I had had several friends who were saint like about it, but I just hated it. I think home hospice was a nice, if protracted, end for her–she was tended constantly by my adoring dad, she had lots of visitors, folks bringing gifts and food, musicians, etc. etc. She never seemed unhappy or stressed, and in spite of all her ailments, she was never in any kind of pain. She was just basically tired and weak and slowly (VERY slowly) drifting away. But it was quite hard on everyone else, especially my dad and in some ways my daughter. The Medicare home hospice benefit provides very little help with day to day care…I think a nurse came twice a week, and we had a social worker who battled with the insurance company for us, but that was about it. The rest was on us, and mainly on my dad. It was exhausting. I had another friend whose mother was also lingering in a similar way…we used to read the obituaries and marvel at all the folks who “died peacefully in their sleep” as our mothers seemed immortal. In the end, of course, that’s exactly how it went.
Ack! “Debilitated,” not “deliberated.” 8-|
@TheGreyKing and @calla1, I’m sorry for your loss.
I appreciate that you were willing to share your traumatizing end-of-life experience. So often you hear reports of family sitting bedside as a loved one passes peacefully. I wish all could be so fortunate. I lost my father, also in Oct, from advanced dementia. I was not totally prepared for what I witnessed as we sat by his bed on his final day: raspy breathing, involuntary muscle arm and leg movements, face becoming more drawn with each passing minute, … The final gasp could not come soon enough.
I recently came across this beautifully written children’s picture book on the subject of death: Cry, Heart, But Never Break by Glenn Ringtved. Poignant; not just for children. I hope that it might console others as it has me.
Wishing everyone here the endurance, strength, and constitution to deal with the diverse challenges of caring for ailing parents.
Thank you to all who have shared their stories and/or provided some much support and helpful advice for others. Somehow hearing about others in the same boat makes you feel not-so-alone in the struggle. Another vote for support groups if you can find one that fits into your busy schedule.
Working in skilled care, we work with the families and residents on their issues and try to have the residents have as much quality of life as they can.
89 YO MIL was unable to get to bed Wednesday evening; weak. 90 YO FIL can’t help her due to his physical limitations, so had ambulance take her to ER and close by son drove in to settle it all out. Weak heart, probably some Congestive Heart Failure, maybe UTI, etc. Nearby son is pharmacist so he is very good at sorting it out.
H is slowly accepting the parental decline. It seems his mother will be the first to go.
@GTalum It is hard to watch her waste away. That must be slightly encouraging to see that your mom is rebounding. The drip, drip, drip of watching her die is excruciating. The unknown timing of how this is going to go is troubling as well. She tells my brother and me at least once each day that she wishes she were dead. She tells everyone who visits (including her grandchildren) that she wants to die. I keep asking her why she feels the need to say that all the time. Hospice just started today. I don’t have high hopes since everyone we have dealt with has not delivered on their promises. We’ll keep working on it to make her as comfortable as we can. My brother is coming up from Florida in a few days so that will help.
I’m wishing you all a peaceful weekend.
@ams5796 I am so sorry you are going through this with your mother. I am sure it is excruciating, but perhaps she would be comforting if you acknowledge her desire to die, just by saying that you hear her and you understand (even if you don’t), and she wouldn’t feel the need to keep repeating it. On the other hand, maybe that’s what you do. And maybe it wouldn’t help.Again, so sorry. Hope your brother’s visit helps.
Thank you @oldmom4896. I do tell her that I get it because truly I do. Her life really is bad. She lies in a bed all day in Depends with absolutely no mobility and no dignity. I want to listen to her and comfort her the best that I can. Some days I’m better at it than other days. I have more trouble listening to her tell everyone she sees all day long that she wants to die. I also come to the concept of death with more mixed feelings than most since I am a stage 4 rectal cancer survivor and I’ve been working very hard to live. It will great to have my brother here this week. I am very lucky that I have such terrific sibling support. We keep bragging to each other about what a great team we are.
@ams5796 Surprisingly, I’m not encouraged by the rebound. My mother never wanted to live as a demented woman, and I do not want her life prolonged unnecessarily. I feel like the staff is focused on just getting her to eat as opposed to focusing on what she would like for her comfort, which is not necessarily eating. Offering her something she might like is comfort care. Pushing her to finish her food that she is clearly not interested in is not.
@GTalum I understand. Prolonging the misery that our parents are going through is the last thing we all want. We just want them to be comfortable. I wish you the very best.