Or you could tell her the new place is the vacation.
Is he in Skilled Nursing or Assisted Living? Falls decreased for us when he moved from Assisted Living to Skilled Nursing.
Was in Memory Care…they never held to their own standard of hourly checks but after the hip fracture I moved to skilled nursing…alarms are considered restraints if I remember correctly . The number of falls is concerning me…most recent ones have been at 11 ish. Maybe sundowning? Will chat with PA at facility tomorrow
She refuses vacation ugh. Even with me and my daughter, whom she adores. . I might ask the MD to say it is a rehab. And tell her to go!
I got her to go to driving evaluation two years ago, got her to go to a geriatric psych. unit, and got her to go to the ER many times. I even got her to lunch at another memory care place that then refused the colostomy.
It seems my manipulation skills are at a low ebb.
Maybe I need to find a place on the beach! That would convince her it was a vacation!
Aekmom we were told alarms weren’t allowed but then they put the pad on the bed and chair, both of which alarmed. Would he tolerate being outside the nurses’ station?
Falls are so hard and seem unavoidable.
Does he take meds at bedtime that could be contributing?
States regulate the rules for AL and skilled care (nursing home). Our rehab and skilled care both fall under one state oversight agency which come in yearly, unscheduled, and observes many things until they are satisfied they have seen enough to pass us along with ‘deficiency report’.
Sometimes we cannot give certain medications that they can give in psych (sometimes residents need medical adjustments and go to psych unit until they are on the right medications to keep resident comfortable and as high functioning as possible). They consider some medications ‘medical restraining’. Same with alarms and bed rails on skilled care side (state told us too many injuries banging against bedrail, but we had more falls out of bed as soon as that new rule got put in by someone who works behind a desk) - we have had to do our best under the new rules. However we can have a ankle bracelet/alarm or alarm on a w/c for a wandering risk resident.
Any resident that is a fall risk, we have their bed on the lowest setting to the floor. They also can have a padded floor mat. Some have a sitter between certain hours to help prevent falls. Other things.
Putting my 2 cents in regarding toe amputation under infection/diabetic situation on 84 year old. Try to get all medical input possible, and maybe have a time frame for having it under control or going ahead with amputation. Look at overall health and what is best for patient. I would have no problem/hesitancy for amputation under the right circumstances.
My mother is on hospice, they evaluate to see if she still qualifies after the first 90 days, If I had to bet money, I would bet they don’t renew her. I am using my “free” respite days plus paying for a couple more this next week. DD and I noticed that I am one of those people who takes it and takes it and does a pretty decent job with old person care, but then some dumb personal thing happens and I lose it. I lost it a few days ago, so though I had planned to wait until closer to the end of hospice, I am taking them now and going with DD to visit other family. It’s complicated and not totally restful, two day drive, but should be special time.
I will admit to you all that I hope my mother does not ‘showtime’ for them, I want her to be her worst, neediest self so their notes show we should keep on. Having them schedule a bath aide is wonderful, having them to call when things happen is super, having respite is beyond amazing.
@BerneseMtnMom, our first go-round with agency caregivers for my dad in April/May was a disaster. The women sat around and did nothing. There was a lot of turnover. They didn’t fill out reports as required. The agency didn’t send in necessary paperwork to the long term care insurance company, even!!!
The private patient advocate we retained uses private caregivers. That has gone MUCH better. There are only four main caregivers, and they’ve gotten to know my parents well. They are proactive and LOOK for ways to help around the house. The PPA manages anything that comes up including coordinating issuing paychecks through my parents’ financial person. There’s no way my sister and I could deal with all the issues, at least while Dad needs 24/7 care.
From the posts I read from above, it seems that Assisted Living or Nursing Home have different levels of support. The government sponsored caregivers really is not suitable for memory care.
As I understand, assist living could be free to those Extremely low income seniors(total income less than 9000 or no income at all). Does anyone know whats service like in those facilities?
https://assistedlivingtoday.com/blog/assisted-living-options-low-income-elders/
Incidentally, I’ve heard some elders that started to dispurse their income and assets to the childred sever years before apply for government sponsored assist living, I am now wondering if that is a wise move.
I don’t know if I’m looking for help or just venting. My in-laws live in a very rural area on 100 acres on a steep hill. Neither can take care of much anymore. They live 8 + hours away from us. They have 2 addict granddaughters there and a daughter who won’t do a thing to help. Their stress and anxiety is sky high and they refuse to discuss any plans. We live in the same area as their other daughter, who is very thoughtful and caring, but has 2 very loud rowdy boys.
They came for a visit and on the way to my sister in laws house they were hit by a car. They were released but now in terrible shape. I have them with me now. This is my mother in laws second concussion in 6 months. She can barely move and has major brain fog. She came in and we put her right to bed. They just can’t go home Friday. Father in law is insisting they go home. He made out better than her. He however has his own issues as well. They have a bunch of pets we have to do something about. He’s worried about paying bills. Sigh. There is no way they should be on their own right now. I’m frankly surprised my mother in law wasn’t admitted. The plan for now is to help them rest and heal. They’ll at least be away from stress and we eat healthy. I suppose we will see how she recovers by Friday but I’m thinking if we don’t drive them they can’t get to the airport but I’m not interested in holding them hostage. My sister in law is a doctor and I’ll be taking them daily for physical therapy.
This is a mess. There is no plan, they won’t think of leaving their home and won’t allow help.
I’m so sorry @eyemamom. Sounds like a terrible situation. Wish I had some words of wisdom. Unfortunately you can only do as much as your in-laws will allow if they have their mental faculties.
Yikes!!! So sorry, @eyemamom! Sounds like a very challenging situation. Good luck navigating it as well as you can.
Is your sister-in-law a helpful ally? Good luck with this hard situation.
I told a friend yesterday that I was trying to get my mother to memory care. My friend said “Let me know if I can help in any way.” I replied that she could take the arms and I’ll take the legs.
Seriously, any ideas? I have offered a vacation in Maine so she forgets where she lives (in three days) but no go. Maybe I could sabotage the plumbing and flood the carpet and take her out “while they fix it.” Um. Pretend the memory care is a hotel? (She’ll see the sign.) Take her in the middle of the night while on Lunesta? (I read a history of McLean Hospital and relatives of a wealthy woman built a replica of her little house on the grounds and did actually move her during the night).
I may have to wait until she is out of it from hospital or rehab to do this. But the argument that it is better to make the move while healthy makes a lot of sense.
My brother took my mom out to brunch and then for a walk. While he was out with her, the movers came to take her stuff and set it up at the MC. Once he knew her “apartment” was set up, he brought her to the memory care instead of back home. Won’t lie, it was awful and she was soooo angry with us. The staff though were amazing and she adjusted very well. It just takes some time. Not easy though for anyone!
Is the daughter with the drug addict kids living with the inlaws? Are they (likely) taking advantage of them? Can you contact adult protective services in the area before they go back?
No they don’t live with them. Thank goodness. Today I posed the question about how they planned to get through airport security, to the gate where they have to go down the escalator, get on a bus out to the plane and then up those plane steps. They can barely walk across the floor. I said this morning was like one flew over the cuckoos nest. Lol. They were wandering around in their robes completely addled and confused.
I told my husband and his sister - she’s here now swimming - that I was handing it over to them to figure this out. Hubby suddenly finds a million reasons to leave, though I have to say he did make them pasta salad and chicken salad to keep in the fridge so they can help themselves when they get hungry.
I spoke with the insurance agent this morning and neither could remember their social security numbers.
Sounds reasonable to hand it over to your husband and his sister. Let us know if they stay or make it to the plane. Getting home from the other airport will be a challenge too!
I got my mother to agree to visit the MC. I told her she is so strong physically that it is the perfect time for her to look at places in case she ever has to choose. She likes flattery. (Meanwhile she lost her phone again but doesn’t know what to call it, pats her colostomy bag and says “what’s this” and had a cup of milk on the fridge door that spilled milk that spoiled all over the inside of the fridge. Same old same old every day.
@eyemamom it was a revelation to me that we might do this sort of involuntarily. I mean, I have the legal right with P of A and invoked proxy and MD is on board. But I am also considering honoring whatever competence my mother still has. I can see that I might have to go the route you went if I really want this to happen. And I should probably get my brother more involved so I don’t take all the heat!!
Throught this thread, I’ve asked myself, “What if, somday, that’s me?” What if I insist on x or y- or “refuse” z- and that’s neither right for me nor my kids? And if I’m not in a position to make wise decisions, all or most of the time?
Looking forward- when I was dealing with my mom the last few years I told myself I needed to write a letter to future eyemamom. It’s astounding how neither my nor my husbands parents made any kind of plan whatsoever.
Even now with them they believe they need to stay where they are for the drug addict grandkids who come and steal their stuff and treat them like garbage. I just texted the other sister and told her the parents shouldn’t go home yet, could they take their dogs (who are her addict kids dogs they foisted on them). Her husband doesn’t work. Lest you think the daughter just isn’t capable, she is an MD, just a selfish person. When I told my other sister in law what I did she was like, that is what a normal person would do isn’t it, but trust me, she and her husband won’t do anything to help.
@compmom when I moved my parents from independent living to their present care home, I found honesty was best. I told them they couldn’t stay there anymore. The doctors, nurses, and social workers all agreed that they needed to move out of their apartment to a place they could get more care. On the morning of the move, I took them out while DH coordinated the move. Once things were set up, we took them by the care home. I know you don’t have a coordinated group all agreeing on the right move, but you know the right thing to do and you can tell her that everyone agrees that the current place is no longer an option. The hardest thing was to get rid of the cats.
@eyemamom this is a situation in which leaving the situation to your husband and sister in law is a wise move. But, it seems like you are not getting much support. I find parents are more likely to listen to the children rather than the in-laws and you can be a support, but decisions and convincing parents need to come from the children. Such a difficult situation.