<p>GTalum, your observation that “I don’t need help, I can handle it on my own” really means something else is ringing true here. DH has been hearing that from FIL lately, and keeps finding out otherwise. </p>
<p>Recently FIL has been planning, for about the last 3 weeks, to move MIL from the extended care/rehab center back home. I think they must be keeping her there as long as she her Medigap policy will pay for it. She was supposed to transition to hospice, but that keeps getting put off. I’ve decided as long as someone is helping her take care of her I won’t make any waves. Her full-pay days there must be running out, and I think she really is coming home this weekend, and Hospice starts Monday. We’ll have to check in and make sure that Hospice is providing enough care, or else hire more caregivers. FIL/MIL are still drifting along with whatever someone tells them Medicare will pay for, instead of considering other options.</p>
<p>For situations where the parents are near one sibling, and the other siblings live far away, the “I can take care of it” syndrome can cause problems - the one in town knows that things are falling apart, and the ones out of town keep hearing that all is well. It’s hard to start questioning the competence of someone you were raised never to question.</p>
<p>Montegut, thank you for sharing your advice and experience in the aftermath of your mother’s passing. Your husband had a great idea in getting all the pertinent documents on one page, and I’m going to do the same thing. I’ve also been emailing pdf copies of all documents to myself so I can access them anywhere. </p>
<p>Was the homeowner’s/auto company policy supplement you purchased considered a long term care policy?</p>
<p>Poignant how so many things can be compromised, yet the need to save face and finesse things is still there in some cases.</p>
<p>Montegut- great info all around and so gracious of you to share with us even as you handle the loss of your mother. Thank you. </p>
<p>Keeping copies of all cards, names/contacts of all Drs, lawyers, funeral arrangements, accountants, friends’ addresses, legal docs, etc. is a great idea. I would also suggest noting all medical events, hospitalizations, ER visits, allergies, surgeries, etc. Over time, you may be the best source of a comprehensive medical history and it can become hard to remember what happened when and who followed your parent for every ailment. If your parent changes physicians, request copies of their medical records (or ensure that they do) to have as they move forward. Offices may close as physicians retire and it can be tricky to chase down records. Be sure all drs. offices and hospitals have copies of health care proxies, releases of information, and PoAs. If your parent is living with you or independently, try to keep track of their medications, including ones that were discontinued due to side effects, lack of efficacy, etc. Even knowing their pharmacy could help.</p>
<p>This can all be overwhelming, but it is a step by step process that can slowly help make everything smoother. I think there are lots of other practical tips earlier on in this thread , so a thread search could be useful to those just embarking on helping their aging faimily members or friends.</p>
<p>Thinking of all the care partners and care givers here.</p>
<p>For those who are new to this, I’m quoting travelnut’s suggestion for emphasis. (I would only add that the list of meds should include over-the-counters and supplements). You won’t believe how many times you’re going to be asked for this information, and you’ll thank yourself for having it all recorded and current, in one place. Excel is my weapon of choice – easily updated, and you can print a copy to keep in your purse or glovebox for quick access.</p>
<p>The policy I purchased for my mother through my auto/homeowners was a Medicare Supplement. While one may think those are only available through such companies as Blue Cross or AARP, they are also available through a regular insurance company like State Farm. This was NOT a long term care insurance policy. This is a Medicare supplement. If your parent only has Medicare, you will have to pay things not covered. These supplements kick in to cover things such as deductibles, the 20 percent not covered. I confess, I really don’t know the policies inside and out, but I do know that most of my mom’s medical expenses over the years have been covered fully through these policies. I would occasionally get a bill from an ambulance service that the facilities called to bring her to a hospital or some other noncovered item, but for the most part, her doctor’s visits were covered.</p>
<p>What I was trying to emphasize in my post is to think ahead and buy a supplement that will help you for future needs. My mother handled those things when my dad died and she went on Medicare, and she bought only the Medicare Supplement B, which was less than 200 dollars a month. My dad died in 1991, so I’m sure prices have gone up. And that policy worked fine while she was even in assisted living. Where problems arose is when she had a hospitalization, in her case, cellulitis, where she had to go through some rehab before returning to her ALF. She went to a rehab place next door to the hospital, but because she only had a lower Medicare supplement, it only paid for 20 days. If she had had a higher supplement, she could have stayed perhaps 100 days. Once she was released, I, of course, looked into those higher supplements. She was ineligible for them because she had just been in the hospital. That is why I can’t stress enough, get them the higher policy NOW, while they’re not in the hospital and they can qualify. While the extra monthly payment may sting now, down the line it will pay off.</p>
<p>I’ll use an example of what just happened with my Mom. My mom had hernia surgery, went into an LTAC. That was covered by Medicare. If she had survived and recovered well enough to go back to her nursing home, she would have been able to stay at her nursing home for 100 days, covered by her supplement. As a private pay resident, that was a huge relief to us, as it would have saved as about 12K. So, think about that when you’re trying to decide if it’s worth an extra hundred bucks a month for a better Medicare supplement.</p>
<p>Travelnut, that is very kind of you. My parents instilled in me a will to service. I am privileged to share my experience with you, and I hope it can help others as they are dealing with their parents’ care.</p>
<p>Also, beware of the Medicare Advantage plans. These are not supplements, but take the place of Medicare, and pay additional costs that the supplements do. However, they can deny care, which was common in in my MILs situation. It is very difficult to get past the case worker. My MIL would have been much better off with Medicare plus a supplement. </p>
<p>Yes lookingforward, the cost of supplemental policies needs to be considered with any retirement planning.</p>
<p>My Mom’s first supplement plan was about 200/month, though went slightly over that as years progressed. When I got her a supplement through my own insurance company, it was about 370. If she had purchased the better supplement initially, it would have been much cheaper. But beggars can’t be choosers. That’s why I say don’t sell yourself short when looking into these plans. You may say, Oh, I can upgrade later on, which is probably what my Mom did when she bought her initial policy, but it won’t be there when you need it, and you’ll have a hard time qualifying for a reasonably priced upgrade. There is a limited period of time to purchase a supplement when you first qualify for Medicare, so when our time comes, I’m going to be sure to get The Works. You can upgrade periodically, but you risk not being medically qualified for some plans if you wait too long.</p>
<p>So my brother arrived to visit. While recounting some of the issues with my parents, just discussing what I had done, needs to be done, and the state of their ability to do things, he said, “All you do is complain. All you have to do is x…” which of course are all things I had done. In the meantime, he has not been available at all before, during, or after the move as he had to “work.” As if I of course, do not have a full time job. What is it with non-present siblings?</p>
<p>Yes, people at a distance have no idea. Even if they come, then they go. They want it to be e-zee, same as we wish it were. They don’t deal with the repeat frustrations. Snapshots don’t inform. I thought of keeping a journal. Just short dispassionate notes about the roadblocks I encounter.</p>
<p>Non-present siblings is a subject near and dear to me. Even when geography is overcome, they are here, but not here (for 48 hours a year). I carry on and mostly, feel badly for how little perspective and depth they bring, even to their own lives. If one constantly looks away from challenges and things that don’t appeal in the moment, it appears that, over time, the cost to personal relationships and thinking about what matters most is high. I wonder who will be looking out for them when the time comes.</p>
<p>OMG, GTalum, I think we have the same brother. I love him dearly, and now, he is going to be the one to transport Mom’s ashes back home. After many incidents of him not showing up to do heavy lifting when moving Mom from one facility to another, I am very nervous about leaving this in his hands. But he’s not as bad as the other sibling, who is notorious for making promises and backing out at the last minute. I’m calling my son almost daily, telling him he’s so lucky to be an only child.</p>
<p>lookingforward, during one saga when my brothers just weren’t getting it, I decided to keep those short dispassionate notes – except that I kept them in emails which I sent to my brothers. So they not only got the idea of what it was like in the trenches, they got it in more-or-less real time.</p>
<p>We both live 1/2 hour from our parents. Brother will stop by now (past 2 weekends) for 15 minutes about 9pm on Saturday night. And he thinks he is “stepping up” like I asked him to. Yea! He did his part. NOT.</p>
<p>I am home from a week in the deep trenches of cleaning out grandma’s house. I say grandma’s house, because I came to realize that my Mom moved in there (splitting from my Dad in 1978) and she thought of it as grandma’s house. She just lived there and put her stuff from our (growing up house in the garage… where I clean it out last week). But Grandma was still so THERE in the house (Mom also moved in for her since she had Alzheimers, but Mom is in AL; I am not able to move in with her because I am NOT divorcing my H… he might me if he has to go shovel much more rat poop). Anyway Grandma’s bras were still in her bedroom set (which, thank goodness we emptied and gave to niece! YAY for it staying in the family). All grandma’s birthday cards were there. Grandad’s condolence cards (died in 1965) were there. … So it was a painful excavation.</p>
<p>I am reading along and can’t contribute much support for everyone. It is good to know that we are not alone.</p>
<p>Somewhere in the 6000 lbs (measured by hauling to dump and paying by the pound) of papers and trash we hauled, I think I dropped my little blue notebook (aka my brain,) with the notes of when I called the lawyer, what the phone numbers were, etc etc etc. I am sick about it. Guess my advice would also be email, then it can be recovered!!!</p>
<p>My brother stepped up this week and drove down with the trailer to load up said bedroom set etc etc … his wife didn’t understand the timing since it is a week before their Ds wedding, but we had to have a deadline, artificial or not. We’d sat on our thumbs for 8 months while things didn’t get better. Mom still doesn’t know she won’t move “home” soon. She gets tired easily and gets really confused. I am fingers crossed on this road trip 400 miles to the wedding, but it is something to look forward towards. </p>
<p>Montegut, good luck with the ashes. I am grateful that I do have my brother just to listen to me whine if nothing else. </p>
<p>eddieo … I was a week in hometown, and didn’t let Mom know (see mucking out house for excuse). I couldn’t look her in the face while doing it. But 15 minutes every week IS a blessing for your mom and an effort on bro’s part. I really am trying to stay focussed on blessings since the negatives happen anyway. That 15 minutes will be the highlight of her life and you won’t get credit for the muck shoveling. that is predictable. but he IS doing something positive so it could be worse!</p>
<p>That’s good to know, thanks everyone. Esobay, I thought I had it bad with general disorganization and too much crap being moved to another state, but that sounds awful.</p>
<p>Someone made a great statement to my sister while caring for our mother in the last month. </p>
<p>Daughters do the heavy lifting. Sons show up for guest appearances.</p>
<p>But seriously, though, my brother and my mom are very close, and I suspect it’s going to hit him the hardest that she’s gone, as I know how special the relationship is between mothers and sons.</p>
<p>When my mother moved in with me, I became quite frustrated with my siblings, one lives nearby, rarely does anything (she works you know) and if she does take her to town (30-40 minutes away) for a doctor appointment, i swear she is back in 90 minutes round trip. She says she offers to stop other places, but my mother never has any place she wants to go. I cannot get sis to come up with her own ideas.</p>
<p>Brother rarely calls, though he does let her stay with him for a week or so when I go visit the in laws in the same town, so that really helps. My other sister calls weekly and is my biggest help in that she listens to me complain.</p>
<p>A few months after the move I was talking with DH and had the epiphany that it is 24/7, 100% on me. Once I accepted that and stopped trying to change things, I became more content, By the same token, no one else would dare tell me how to do things! Or comment, they leave it to me, I do it my way, end of story. I feel much better since I have accepted reality, though for her sake, I wish they would call more, my life is not interesting enough to provide entertainment, she could use the stories they could tell if they were more thoughtful, though she is also not great on the phone about encouraging people, she always seems to want to get off, even though she loves talking to them.</p>
<p>Weird and I cannot take responsibility for her entertainment, I set things up, she does not do them, so I have to let it go.</p>
<p>Thanks, GTa. I think this week was about top three in the pain in the heart category. I loved my Grandad and it was hard to see that so many people also cared about him. Since I was … not grown when he died, it was a different perspective.</p>
<p>somemom, me, too. I was waiting for acceptance from bro’, but once I got the actual conservatorship, I really started the ball rolling on getting “stuff” settled. Your attitude has to help some. I am grateful for the AL place because they do provide daily entertainment. Mom really does enjoy stuff like that if she is in a good mood. I get the calendar delivered and when I talk to her in the morning, I can ask if she plans to do X, since she rarely knows what day it is. Even when you told her yesterday…</p>