<p>Can she eat the Ensure bars?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Probably not, I was just wondering if I needed to get mu brother’s approval for any financial decision I made. The POA reads “collectively or singularly” which I think means together or separate. Good job HImom with the PT! A good PT is truly wonderful and can get so much accomplished. They are worth traveling for. </p>
<p>Nice mommusic!</p>
<p>RobD - Too bad about the nice car service. Weight for elderly folks is tough as they really don’t eat much. My only suggestion is ice cream. My folks love it and will eat it 24 7.</p>
<p>A good PT is worth their weight in gold. When my Mom transferred to a nursing home, she had an excellent PT on site. In January, when I visited for her birthday, she was wearing pull ups and was using the walker to ambulate to the bathroom, something she had not done in over ten years. She was so proud of herself. </p>
<p>My brother gave a beautiful “eulogy” at Mom’s funeral on Saturday and talked about how during Mom’s last years, those spent in an ALF and nursing home, she was really happy. When she was living alone in her own home, she was calling all of us every day, leaving long messages, and how the phone calls stopped once she moved into these places, as she made new friends and had new people to take care of. I know some of my nephews still harbor resentment toward us because we took MawMaw out of her house and “put her someplace”, and my brother wanted them to know that she was happy in her new situation.</p>
<p>My siblings and I are now in our 50s, some even in their late 50s, and I know I will be going through with them, some of the same things I’ve gone through with my Mom over the last 22 years. We learn by example. Just as my mother and father took care of their parents, I took care of my Mom. And I can already see my son being a supportive young adult to his aging parents.</p>
<p>I have had intermittent internet so haven’t posted. I have read along.</p>
<p>I took Mom to my niece’s wedding. Mom had a great time and did really well. She wanted to not cause trouble so didn’t… except that when I arrived to get her, she had layed out lots of clothes that didn’t fit and were not appropriate… I packed them anyway, maybe I already said. She was proud of herself for being ready and I went with that.</p>
<p>I agree with the advice of everyone is doing the best they can, even MOM!</p>
<p>And I was really proud of my son for dancing with his grandma at the wedding (He has been taking ballroom dance at college). When I told him it was really good of him (he finds her inane conversation painful, plus it is a pain to everyone to see her … not herself). But he said it was 3 minutes of pain for him vs a long time of happy memories for her. </p>
<p>I danced with my dad at the same time, H danced with D and that was the only time I cried at the wedding. My dad and Mom divorced 30+ years ago and have been in the same room 3 times since so it was dicey for me and bro. </p>
<p>Still dealing with lawyer and getting more milage out of conservatorship with the banks than we did with the POA. Still a big pain though.</p>
<p>Good advice here I think.</p>
<p>i fly couple thousand miles (2 planes) to visit my widowed mother (90) at her home to make sure things are going OK. She really does not appreciate it. I am not sure if I do this for her, me, or so the caregivers to realize her family does care. Probably all the above. She was in an assisted living in March for a month and then back home. I visited March, May, now August, and am thinking October and November before the snow flies. Not sure when my brother will be back (a long days drive away) and I think he is burned out. I can afford to go but the time off I limit to 3 day weekends and how much I can mentally take. It looks like 6 times a years average, but I am keeping an open mind about timing. My tendency if I let it, is to not go but if i buy the tickets alot ahead of time i go. She has meals on wheels, daily one hour care giver,weekly RN, some neighbors and friends who are also very old. We get her mail and bills. </p>
<p>How often do you visit your far away parents to check on them?</p>
<p>^^ When we started to feel like they needed to be checked on every month or two, that to us was a big red flag that they shouldn’t be living by themselves any more.</p>
<p>Your mom didn’t like Assisted Living?</p>
<p>Dad… <em>sigh</em> I spent a lovely afternoon at ER with him, after he fell last night and hurt his hip. Nothing broken, thank goodness, so he’s back home tonight. </p>
<p>He’s just a mess. 
He falls frequently, but refuses and/or forgets to use his walker unless he’s browbeaten into it, and that’s never going to change. He has urinary incontinence but the maximum-strength diapers don’t do the trick at night, so the place smells faintly like a toilet despite daily washing of sheets and pajamas. He got completely soaked during the short ride home from ER today (something told me to get medical transport for the trip, so it wasn’t my car!). He has bowel incontinence sometimes. Dealing with him takes two people when he falls or needs to be cleaned up, because he’s a very tall guy and he tends to just go limp. When he’s down or even slight hurt, he does this moaning/crying thing which sends Mom into a panic. It is very distressing to listen to. In addition to the falling and dementia, he has heart disease, peripheral artery disease, kidney disease, arthritis, and recurring bladder cancer.</p>
<p>Today the AL director told me that the falls are getting into the range of a liability issue (which I completely understand), and that something else needs to be done. We’ve tried everything we can think of to get him to use the walker – logic, waving written doctor’s orders in his face, haranguing, begging/crying, plastering the apartment with signs. The director proposes a scientific approach (Dad was a physicist); charting out all of his falls and presenting him with data. I hate to be pessimistic, but based on past experience, even if Dad buys in to that, we’re also fighting dementia. I’m afraid that until such time as he goes into skilled nursing, this is just how it is.</p>
<p>One of the staff told me that while we were at ER, Mom said that she just can’t take it anymore, and she wants him to move out. I’m sure that came from a place of frustration, but still, I’ve never heard her express it before.</p>
<p>There are very few places I could say this, but I feel like I can say it here: Some people live too long … :(</p>
<p>How difficult LasMas. It certainly sounds like your dad is too much for AL and your mom to handle. I agree about the scientific chart. My dad is an electrical engineer and appreciates and understands information presented in an evidence-based format, but he won’t retain that information past about 2 minutes. He would probably use the walker if he remembered how much he needs it. </p>
<p>A friend of mine told me that people with dementia think of themselves the way they were once, maybe 10, 15, 20 years or more. My parents moved 2 bikes and a tandem bike last month (only bikes in the garage of their senior living garage). They think of themselves as cyclists even though they hadn’t ridden for years. I’m sure your dad just doesn’t remember the person who needs a walker.</p>
<p>I’m sorry LasMa and I understand. My mom was so sad and fearful and frustrated w/ my dad’s inability to walk and talk and toilet well at the end that she turned away from him and that was hard to see. Might your dad be able to use a rider to get around instead of a walker? At least it’s an interesting piece of machinery. OTOH he’d have to learn a new thing…it is just plain hard, this phase of life. Perhaps it is in fact time for him to move to skilled nursing?</p>
<p>Oh, LasMa, so sorry to hear about the situation with your Dad. It does sound like a move is necessary for his safety. When my dad moved to skilled nursing, it was a blessing for my mom. She could then be an attentive, supportive, loving spouse instead of living in fear of what would happen next. Their relationship improved and my mom’s health and attitude improved because she knew he was safe. Perhaps the AL director can be the “bad guy.” We found that if a professional (e.g. doctor, skilled nursing administrator) delivered news, it was better received.</p>
<p>I started off telling about my mother in post #42. Since then my mother was hospitalized again in June for a few days. I got her into the doctor’s office and then they sent her to the hospital. She was bloated up with water, probably from congestive heart. She was sent home a few days later. The hospital had a person call me and ask what she needs. They had her evaluated mentally while she was in and said she is having a little trouble with her memory and making decisions. They thought I should check on her every day to make sure she took her medicine and stuff. Anyway, the hospital set it up so she has physical therapy at home and people to help her out around the house for awhile. (For the last couple of years I had been asking if someone could help her at home. This time my mother agreed to some help.)</p>
<p>My mother still does not want people doing stuff for her. She called me to complain that I had to do things for her instead, like getting groceries, taking out the trash. Thing is, I have a leg that started swelling up from arthritis a couple days after she got out of the hospital and I can barely walk. Although Mom is trying to lay a guilt trip on me, she is getting by with their help.</p>
<p>RockyMt- we visit far away parents anywhere from 3-5 times a year, depending on circumstances. If a grandkid has a chance to visit, we will add an unplanned trip to make their visit okay. If the folks call and demand a visit, like this month, we go, but then we will often cancel our planned visit. This month a command performance required an unplanned summer trip so we are cancelling our early fall plans, it is possible that we could add back a late fall trip, depending how the year goes.</p>
<p>I do think, now that I have been exposed to a lot of medical stuff and a lot of senior care, that all but comfort medications should be stopped when dementia sets in. No sense treating the body when the mind is gone! Unless the person is in discomfort!</p>
<p>Shyanne sorry to hear about your mom’s decline. You take care of yourself and please don’t let her guilt trip you into illness. One of the things I noticed about extreme old age is how selfish they can become. I didn’t love the xmas morning my mom came in and said “what are you going to do to make me better” and then when I said I don’t know she said, “well then let me die.” And a happy xmas to you too mom. Anyway I miss her now she’s gone but gawd it was strange at the end. Both parents became extraordinarily demanding and had no sense of others’ lives.</p>
<p>LasMa- Yes, you can say it here. It is just too much when it all starts to go at once and life becomes a combination of troubles, limitations and waiting for the other shoe to drop. </p>
<p>It does seem to be time for a higher level of care for your father. I don’t know if this is of comfort or not, but as you describe his situation, while the walker would be very helpful in many instances, it would probably not be likely to completely eliminate his fall risk even if he could use it more regularly. I have tended several seniors with mobility issues and there are many transitional moments from chair or walker to bed, cars, toilets, etc. One moment of weakness, dizziness or distraction and they are vulnerable. A walker keeps my otherwise steady father upright, but my mother who fell for numerous complex, overlapping reasons could go from standing to the floor for no apparent reason other than keeping my colorist well paid. </p>
<p>The good news is that I think there will be huge peace of mind for all once the move is made, as poignant as the transition is. Once it is inevitable, I am also a believer in making the “last move” when there is as much cognition to work with as possible, in order to make a better adjustment, learn the routine and be known by staff. Will he be able to remain near your mother?</p>
<p>Shyanne- take good care of yourself. My mantra is that all care plans have to work for the involved parties. Some seniors truly can’t see beyond their own needs, but it doesn’t mean that it always goes exactly as they request. </p>
<p>Best to you. There is a lot of empathy here for all that people face caring for their elders.</p>
<p>Hugs to all the caregivers. This is the place I turn to when I need empathy and my family is tired of hearing about the latest “crisis”. We can let down our guard here and express our saddness, anger and frustrations. We can also share hints, success stories and suggestions. We understand, offer support. Sometimes simply sharing is enough to pick up and have a fresh start to the day. Thank you.</p>
<p>Yes, thanks for listening.</p>
<p>A lot of cardiac meds can cause dizziness. I deal with this on a regular basis now that I am on a whole cocktail of them.</p>
<p>Hugs to all who are struggling with difficult decisions.</p>
<p>LasMa- my mother was initially very confused when she went into the assisted living which was an alzheimers locked place (I know, I did not even know there was such a thing)- they were very nice to her but after she became less confused in a few weeks after her rib fracture and pain meds were gone, she started calling me or my brother on her cell phone several times a night screaming ‘get me out of here’. I am guessing that assisted living is not going to work for her and we decided to go with home care. Right now she gets 6 days a week one hour a day caregivers to keep her company and an RN to do meds once a week, and meals on wheels 2 meals a day 5 days a week. She is really happy in her home and requires very little. I may be overshooting the visits but I am trying to be proactive with the visits and home care. I have a friend who is in a similar situation long distance and she goes about 6 times a year. I will see next weekend when I go how things look. Thanks for your perspective. I am not thinking assisted living she will willing go again. She may be one of those people who goes from home, to caregivers at home at the max amount, to nursing home.</p>
<p>^^ She may be, rockymtnhigh. We each have to figure out what we think is best for our parents, given their desires and resources, given our own energies and time, given the available options. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, or this would be a whole lot easier! My best to you as you make your decisions step by step.</p>
<p>My dad fell AGAIN this morning. When the aide came to once again scrape him off the floor and asked him why he wasn’t using his walker, apparently he said, “I didn’t think I had to use it this early in the morning.” This is what we’re dealing with.</p>
<p>Tomorrow I’m going to have a sit-down with the AL director and just see where we are, what they can possibly do – really, what their limits are – and what could be the next step. There is a Memory Care wing on-site, and maybe that would be the best option for now. Familiar environment, familiar staff, and Mom could visit him every day on her own. If (when) he has to be moved to skilled nursing, there is one literally next door; in fact, this was one of the big reasons we chose this particular AL. </p>
<p>Next weekend, one of my brothers will be here and that will help me a lot. He’s the supportive brother. So tomorrow I’ll start gathering information and next weekend he and I will begin the What To Do About Dad conversation.</p>
<p>Also tomorrow, I’m taking Mom alone for an outing. She was so excited when I called that I almost cried, and realized I need to do that on a regular basis. She really needs to get away from Dad, even for a few hours. And I’ll get to see how she’s feeling now about moving him out.</p>
<p>travelnut – That’s a good point about walkers not always helping. When he fell the other night, he actually fell out of the chair, trying to pick up something off the floor that was out of his reach. He’s unsafe at any speed.</p>
<p>RMH - Too bad your mother associates AL with Alzheimer’s lock-down! But, it does sound like she can be managed at home with fairly minimal support. Good for her. </p>
<p>shyanne - When requests become unreasonable, you just have to say “no.” My sister in law is going through the same thing, and she had to decide to just leave her mother who would not consider help from anyone else. We’ll see how that goes. </p>
<p>LasMas - Good luck in making this big decision. But I think it is clear that your dad needs a higher level of care and certainly your mom needs a break. My father in law had a lot of care giver fatigue caring for his wife. He became angry and frustrated. Almost abusive at times.</p>