Preventing Roommate Problems...Help?

Student Lounge College Life
21

<p>I think you've received a bunch of good advice so far and I think if you talk through things with your roommate things will probably turn out fine. </p>

<p>I did want to follow up this one thought.</p>

<p>
[quote]
You are coming into the rooming situation with a laundry list of demands that you just have to have or you'll be miserable. With a shared room environment you just can't do that. You can't get everything you want and to expect that you can is to be completely unreasonable.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I totally agree ... I'm going to set up an absurd situation just to make a point. You arrive thinking I NEED this to happen and it has to be this way or I'll be miserable ... I NEED to go to bed at 11:00 and I NEED it to be as quiet as possible at 11:00. You and your roommate start to discuss the ground rules for the room (nice job by the way) and your roommate goes first. Her first comment ... I NEED to go to sleep at 11:30 and the ONLY way I can go to sleep is if I play music loudly on the radio from 11:00 to 11:30 ... and I NEED this to happen or I'll be miserable. </p>

<p>Where do you go from here ... if both of these demands can not be discussed then you and your roommate are both stuck. However, if the discussion starts with both roommates stating a desire but not a demand ... I'd like (not NEED) to go to bed at 11:00 ... I'd like to go to bed at 11:30 after playing music for a 1/2 hour ... then a discussion can occur that leads to a reasonable compromise that works for both of you. (Maybe you guys compromise on a 11:15 sleep time and the roomies plays (not real loud) from 10:45 to 11:15 while you study in the lounge). </p>

<p>Almost all issues can be worked out if you and your roomie talk through things ... lots of things will becomes issues if the starting position is it HAS to be this way.</p>

22

<p>Of all the problems I had with my previous roomate, borrowing stuff/using each other's things never arose. I think you ought to be worried about more important issues. Make sure that when you move in, you establish ground rules with your roomate right off the bat. Especially in the first few weeks, people will tend to test the barriers to see just how tolerant or firm others are. If this happens late in the process, you may feel uncomfortable cutting your roomate off, so make sure you set some regulations early on and if your roomate disrespects the agreement, it's his/her fault and you won't feel selfish/cranky bringing it up.</p>

<p>Personally, the day before class starts, as soon as I see a chance, I will suggest to my roomate that since we will likely be living together for possibly the whole year, it might be helpful to come up with a few things we expect each other to comply with or compromise about(especially since I had problems with my former roomate involving disregard for my presence in the room). It certainly sounds cheesy and awkward, but you are paying the same amount of money to live in that room and should have the right to live in proper circumstances. Just make sure you don't discuss the policies right away and are reasonable in your requests.</p>

<p>Some things I would see as critical points for discussion are:
- music in the room(earphones)
- television times/volume
- lights at night
- usual bedtime
- guests
- noise
- study habits</p>

23

<p>I have some of the same personal space issues that you have. I can say no, however, and my roommate could come over to my side of the room. </p>

<p>The thing I'm wondering is ... you don't want your roommate to TALK to you?!! Are you planning on making ANY friends?!</p>

24

<p>You are getting a lot of good advice. The most important is to start off with a cooperative attitude.</p>

<p>you might want to frame the conversation by first asking your roommate about her expectations and non-negotiables, if any, so that your actions don't upset her. Then you might feel more comfortable introducing a few of your personal foibles.</p>

<p>Decide which ones are most important to you and how and where you can compromise--no one gets it all their way all the time.</p>

<p>Sometimes thinking things in the reverse can be helpful. So can thinking about the logical consequences of various scenarios.</p>

<p>For example, my son's room this year is tiny--11' x 13", according to the website. While each has a reasonable expectation of spheres of personal space/privacy--the desk, the bed-- realistically, there isn't going to be a "my side" of the room, and there will not be room for 2 tvs, 2 refrigerators,etc. The boys will decide on folding chairs or custions for extra seating (maybe--the floor is an option too) but it would seem beyond childish to demand the guests stay on only one side of the room. He will bring a throw to put on top of his bed so it can be used like a sofa without dirtying his comforter. </p>

<p>In any event, no matter where the guests are in the room, it's not like there is privacy for the non-hosting roommate at the moment. And each roommate has an equal right to have guests in the room, whether it is to study or talk or watch a movie together. It's better to come up with general guidelines that you both agree to abide by (say, no guests in the room past 11:30 on class nites?) than to put tape down the middle of the room.</p>

<p>If sharing the printer bothers you, ask to roomie to supply a package of paper and a package of ink and to bring the tv and dvds.</p>

<p>It's reasonable not to share clothes or make up or food but you need to be somewhat flexible about the room itself.</p>

<p>Scarletleavy's post #17 reminds me of the roommate war on my dorm floor way back in the dark ages. They were put together second semester of freshman year after one girl's roommate did not return after winter break. </p>

<p>The new roommate was a dramaqueen who wanted things all her way w/o compromises. She was not interested in being friends. After a few weeks roommate decided she had had enough and spent the rest of the year deliberately antagonizing her. . The dramaqueen did not want to share anything, not even a wastebasket--and made clear that nothing of hers was to be touched under any circumstances. Roommate said "ok, then--ditto" and purposely did things like leaving deliberately smelly things in her waste basket or on her desk before leaving for a long weekend . She would put her tape player on unending replay and leave the room for hours. </p>

<p>Very stupid. Very immature. </p>

<p>And both girls were miserable unncessarily.</p>

25

<p>Honestly, I think, as many of the above posters have stated, that these demands are unreasonable. At most schools, roommates are required to sign a housing contract which addresses most of these issues - you discuss each item on the list with your roommate, come up with how you both agree to respond, and sign the contract. So don't worry about how to approach your roommate - these topics will probably be brought up for you in this form.</p>

<p>Having said that, I think you need to work out some kind of common ground. Are you and your roommate going to be sharing a TV? A mini fridge? It seems wasteful to bring two of each. Sometimes, you're going to have to share. It isn't too much to expect your roommate to ask before borrowing (especially not the first couple weeks of school when you're getting to know each other), or to have some things be "off limits" (I don't like loaning out hairbrushes/straighteners - it just grosses me out). But I agree with your parents that you seem to be going into this with a negative attitude. Try to be a bit more open minded and flexible - I think college will be really good for you.</p>

26

<p>Thank you everyone for your advice. I really do appreciate it.
Scarletleavy-
"She has a right to be in the room, hang out there with her friends, walk through the entire room, not just her side, etc."</p>

<p>Please see post #6 in this thread. I explained some of this there, but perhaps I didn't really make myself clear. I have no problem with her being in the room or walking to my side once in a while. But unless there is a specific need for her to do so, I'd rather she not hang out on my bed forever, talking. (There has been some really great advice on how to deal with this - thanks everyone.)
Also, I didn't say that she can NEVER have friends over. A couple hours a day is okay - I'll just make myself scarce during that time. However, I really don't want people constantly hanging out in my room from sunup till sundown. Yes I understand that it's her room as well, but it's also my room. Hopefully, she won't constantly be talking to friends or playing loud music. </p>

<p>And no, your response isn't mean or hostile. I appreciate getting ideas on what's reasonable to expect and what's not.</p>

<p>Northstarmom - </p>

<p>I really like the heartwarming things idea, but me not being an emotive person, I'd probably be a bit uncomfortable bringing this up.
"Would you really not let your roommate use your printer if hers broke, it was 4 a.m. and she had a paper do for her 8:00 class?</p>

<p>Would you really not ask her to loan you some tampons or sanitary napkins if your period started at midnight and you didn't any tampons or napkins?"</p>

<p>Of course would let her borrow these things! I think you guy are getting the wrong idea of what I'm talking about. I would LIKE for her to be able to count on me in the event of an emergency, and hopefully I'll be able to count on her. The situations described above are emergencies. </p>

<p>What I don't want is her constantly using my printer to pint out stuff because she's too lazy to go to the common printer, or worse yet, printing out tons of stuff unrelated to school (Yes, I have had people do this at my house. I let this girl use my computer to finish her homework because hers was down, and came back to find a huge pile of papers that she had printed out - not school related!)</p>

<p>I don't like unnecessary borrowing - like clothes. Unless she'll end up going out naked if I don't let her use my clothes, it's really not necessary for her to borrow any article of clothing from me. If I lend someone my class notes, I prefer they not take them out of my sight. If they need to take them home, then they need to make copies. Again, bad experiences. </p>

<p>Chuy-</p>

<p>"Really though, unless you have a good reason why you SHOULDN'T share something, you should."</p>

<p>I have what to me are very good reasons for not letting people borrow my stuff. They may not be good reasons to you, but they are to me. Really, I don't even need a good reason. It's my stuff, and it should be up to me who uses it. The pen thing, I have no problem with her using my pen. (Unless she starts taking my pens and never returning any of them.)</p>

<p>"The only time you really have a reason to speak up against it or anything is if they're over late or you've got to study, but you shouldn't be studying in your dorm room anyway."</p>

<p>Actually, I have reason to speak up whenever they're over for unreasonable amounts of time. It's my room too, and she shouldn't constantly be doing things that make me uncomfortable. (Having friends over all day, every day.)</p>

<p>"People only leave the door open (or at least are only supposed to) when one of you are in the room. And then you SHOULD leave the door open. Don't you want to meet new people?"</p>

<p>Actually, no. Meeting some nice people would be a bonus, but I'm going there primarily to study, get As and get into a med school of my choice. From past experiences, I've discovered that I have hardly any need for human companionship, and I get irate when I go for long stretches of time without being alone. </p>

<p>4Giggles -</p>

<p>Yes, I'm an only child. Actually, I have no problem being friendly. People generally like me, so I highly doubt that I'll have any problems appearing friendly.</p>

<p>The thin extra blanket is a GREAT idea - I'll definitely use that. Never thought of it.</p>

<p>abcdefgh8 - </p>

<p>I never said I don't want my roommate to talk to me. I just don't want her to constantly talk and expect me to drop whatever I'm doing to listen to her tales of woe. That cycle can be neverending - they just keep rehashing the same thing. And it seems heartless to cut them off when they're telling me about something that's troubling them. Really, I must have a sign on my head that reads "Tell me your tragedy of the moment". People are always whining and complaining to me about something. However, when I try to talk to them about a problem that I'm having (VERY rarely), they just say "oh, I'm sorry" and change the subject. For some reason, I feel uncomfortable doing the same thing back to them.</p>

<p>Boysx3 -
Actually, I do NOT want to share the printer at ALL. As for the tv/DVDs, I don't watch televisions and don't plan to start anytime soon. The fridge is provided, so that's pretty much it.</p>

<p>It may seem to some of you that I'm going in with a negative attitude, but I'm only posting the problem issues on this board. I'm not posting all the positive things I'm hoping to get out of college. So that may skew your perspective.</p>

<p>Thanks again for all the great advice.</p>

<p>Zizi</p>

27

<p>It does seem like most of your concerns stem from you being used to people walking all over you. Remember, your roommate and whoever else you meet in college do not know what you were like in the past, so you can be a strong (but easy to get along with) person now with 0 expectations for anything different from anyone. </p>

<p>Since you clarified the sharing thing that looks a lot more reasonable now. And I doubt your roommate will be sitting on your bed talking to you too much, she's got a perfectly good bed herself. :) </p>

<p>"From past experiences, I've discovered that I have hardly any need for human companionship, and I get irate when I go for long stretches of time without being alone."</p>

<p>The only thing that really still worries me is stuff like what I quoted above. That practically screams social anxiety. You don't have to go out to parties every night, or be over in someones dorm 10 hours a day, but make some friends! Theres no reason to throw away four years of your life when you could be making friends, having some fun, and still making the grades to get into med school. You have to have balance in life.</p>

28

<p>Chuy-
“The only thing that really still worries me is stuff like what I quoted above. That practically screams social anxiety. You don't have to go out to parties every night, or be over in someones dorm 10 hours a day, but make some friends! Theres no reason to throw away four years of your life when you could be making friends, having some fun, and still making the grades to get into med school. You have to have balance in life.”</p>

<p>Surprisingly, I do not suffer from social anxiety. Maybe social apathy, but not anxiety. I’m very aware the way I come across - generally confident and poised. It’s just in situations where I have to do something that is somewhat mean (Ex: no, please don’t use that) that I tend to hesitate. </p>

<p>The thing with me and people is that I’m fine talking for a couple of hours, but at the end of that couple of hours, I’m EXHAUSTED. This is probably not normal. I know that I don’t have chronic fatigue syndrome or anything like that - I can study/do physical work for hours on end without getting tired. </p>

<p>I just tend to withdraw for days at a time. Not returning phone calls, etc…(Understandably, this quite annoys some people - I’ve had friends show up on my doorstep to “make sure I was still alive” lol.) I know it’s not depression - I’m generally quite content when I’m alone. I just feel trapped when too much social contact occurs. </p>

<p>This may sound weird, but in the past, when I’ve had friends over for extended periods of time, I’ve gotten physically sick the next day. I literally had to spend the entire following day recuperating. And it's not like we argued/ had angry political debates or anything like that. </p>

<p>Zizi</p>

29

<p>I'm a pretty private person myself so I actually do know what you are talking about. I would get ****ed if people borrowed my things without asking and used my printer all the time.</p>

<p>My suggestion is.. If you don't want them touching it, place it where they can't see it. when they ask to borrow it, say you lost it/used it all up/lent it another friend/or you need it. I don't mind lending people small things but certain things I really dislike lending... so those are my usual complaints. My friend had problems last sem with people borrowing her things so that's what she did as well. Good luck, and I'm sorry you didn't get a single because I think you really need one.</p>

<p>BUt really. It won't be all that bad. I had some sort of roommate for majority of my life and it hasn't been so bad. Yes, i do like having my own room, apartment, but believe me, having a roommate won't be that bad.</p>

30

<p>"It’s just in situations where I have to do something that is somewhat mean (Ex: no, please don’t use that) that I tend to hesitate. "</p>

<p>Just realize that 90% of how you interact is going to be what you're telling them, it's going to be HOW you're telling them.</p>

<p>"Hey, do you think you could use the common printer/your own more often? I'm going through the ink really fast" said nicely is going to get you a much better response than "Stop using my printer." Just think about how you're going to word things and don't assume they're "out to get you."</p>

<p>edit: I actually disagree with the above. I think having a double is going to help her a lot.</p>

31

<p>Zizi,</p>

<p>I worry that the whole college/dorm environment is going to be too stressful for you. Not just having a roommate, but living in a dorm environment. Are you willing to make any compromises at all? Are you at all willing to consider your roommate's point of view, or her demands? You should not be a floor mat, but you should not expect her to be either.</p>

<p>What do you look forward to doing in college, other than studying? What activities are you going to become involved in? What new things are you going to try?</p>

<p>A lot of students are aiming for medical school and get good grades while still having a social life and taking part in activities.</p>

32

<p>Boysx3-</p>

<p>“Are you willing to make any compromises at all? Are you at all willing to consider your roommate's point of view, or her demands? You should not be a floor mat, but you should not expect her to be either.”</p>

<p>Yes, I’m willing to compromise on certain issues, but not on others. Which of my requests here strike you as unreasonable? (I’m not trying to be snaky, I just want to know ahead of time which expectations I may have to loosen a bit.) To me, most of my expectations seemed pretty reasonable. </p>

<p>I’m actually hoping that the classes/professors will be interesting enough that I will enjoy attending class/studying for it. I also plan to get involved in one extra-curricular activity, which is quite draining and time-consuming (but I love it very much). I plan to have a job, volunteer in a science lab and get clinical exposure (all beneficial for med school applicants). I’m hoping to get a job doing EKGs in a hospital. You’d think that you’d need a degree for that, but that’s not the case. A guy who’s a junior in college works at my mom’s hospital doing EKGs. Hopefully, I’ll be able to start doing my own research next year. At any rate, I don’t expect to have much spare time left over.</p>

33

<p>Those are all very good ideas. What about doing something good for you that would also help you relax, such as yoga/pilates/tai chi class? What about getting involved in an intramural sport (no athletic ability required) to burn off stress and get to know people so you will have people to eat with.</p>

<p>I know you are not being snarky, and that is why I am truly worried about you. </p>

<p>Dorms are really high stress environments. Being a pushover is not a good thing and no one thinks you should go that route at all, but you could end up being very unpopular or even ostracized if you get a reputation for being difficult, and I know that is not what you want either.</p>

<p>Please don't focus so much on the individual items that are used as points of discussion--it's not the printer or the seating arrangements that are at the crux of the matter, it's the prevailing attitudes of the people living in the room.</p>

<p>Your roommate might be coming at your living arrangement from an entirely different perspective--looking for a compatible person, possibly even a potential best friend. She is probably excited about meeting you, willing to share her life and her belongings with you. Try imagining things from a perspective different than your own. You might be each other's worst nightmare!!</p>

<p>Neither of you would be right or wrong.</p>

<p>What I was alluding to in my post responding to Scarletleavy's post earlier today is that if you and your roommate don't come to mutual agreements and compromises, things in the room can go south rather drastically. </p>

<p>It's not so much each of your desires as a separate item, it's the attitude you're bringing about how you want to live in a very small shared space. You might want to think about some possible compromises on each of the things that is important to you. What compormises are you willing to make?</p>

<p>You don't want to feel like your room, your sanctuary, is like an armed camp in a cold war where you and your roommate coexist amidst a lot of tension and resentment.</p>

<p>you don't want to win the battle, ie., have your roommate respect to the letter each of your demands, but lose the war by turning her totally against you.</p>

34

<p>Boysx3-</p>

<p>The activity that I plan to get involved in, (ballet - I’ve been dancing since I was little), is pretty physically demanding, so I doubt that I’d have the energy for another sport.
As for being ostracized - I doubt it. I’m generally quite well respected among my peers, though I do prefer to keep a little distance. Girls, especially, tend to be really gossipy about their “friends”. I hear them talking about each other far too often for my taste. Coupled with the fact that I don’t really share any interests with that many people, this leads to me wanting to keep mostly to myself. </p>

<p>As for the roommate, I would LOVE it if we ended up being best friends. But in case that doesn’t happen, I just want to prepare to at least prevent things from derailing into total chaos. </p>

<p>“You don't want to feel like your room, your sanctuary, is like an armed camp in a cold war where you and your roommate coexist amidst a lot of tension and resentment.”
This is very true. Thanks so much for the advice and concern.</p>

35

<p>Zizi-</p>

<p>There are treatments available for social anxiety disorder. It might be really good to talk with your doctor about your anxiety.</p>

36

<p>Kollegkid-
Please see post #28 in this thread. Somebody already suggested that possibility, and I explained that I do not have social anxiety. I would probably know about it if I had it. I find it more likely that I’m extremely introverted. </p>

<p>Zizi</p>

37

<p>"The thing with me and people is that I’m fine talking for a couple of hours, but at the end of that couple of hours, I’m EXHAUSTED. This is probably not normal."</p>

<p>This is where the social anxiety thing is coming from. You're right, this is not normal.</p>

38

<p><a href="http://www.wellesley.edu/ResLife/Attachments/roommatestarterkit.doc%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.wellesley.edu/ResLife/Attachments/roommatestarterkit.doc&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>I recommend doing this with your roommate. I know I personally would be much more comfortable if people were to tell you up front what their boundaries are (even if I were to find them excessive) than for my to try and guess the rest of the year and deal with passive aggressive tendencies. My roommate and I already hashed out borrowing and visitor policies. I feel like you might be too ready for things to go wrong, people are very reasonable.</p>

<p>Also, you might want to make your roommate read this article: <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

39

<p>FemmeFatale -
That second article sounds exactly like me!
Except for this part:
“Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?”
I am generally pretty aware of myself and I will force myself to be pleasant even if I don’t really feel like it at the moment. Thanks for the article!</p>

<p>Chuy: I doubt that introversion is a form of social anxiety. </p>

<p>I especially agree with these parts, as people often mistakenly assume that I’m shy when I’m really not. </p>

<p>“Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast. Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.”</p>

<p>“Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating.” </p>

<p>Oh, and I especially agree with this:</p>

<p>"Many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors."</p>

<p>Zizi</p>

40

<p>Alright, if you think that feeling exhausted after talking to people is just your introversion then have fun.</p>