Preventing Roommate Problems...Help?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>
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The thing with me and people is that I’m fine talking for a couple of hours, but at the end of that couple of hours, I’m EXHAUSTED. This is probably not normal.

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And yet you say you're career interest is in being a doctor. Have you considered that a doctor spends their entire day, every day, interacting with people? It's patients, nurses, and staff -- all day long. Patients, especially, may be facing critical times in their life and seek not just technical skill but a special kind of emotional/therapeutic bond with their doctor. Perhaps this is not a great fit for you?</p>

<p>You mentioned you are planning on volunteer work in a hospital setting. I thing this is a great idea. An unofficial requirement for getting in med school is volunteer work or other exposure to the career so med schools can see you know what you're getting into. Ask yourself if you could see yourself doing the job 40+ hours a week for years to come. Maybe you will be able to say yes, but my gut feeling is that most branches of medicine are not a good fit for someone who shirks from contact with people.</p>

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<p>I was actually thinking of radiology or anesthesiology. Not much people contact there. (With a lot of research on the side.)</p>

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<p>Anesthesiology? I sure remember my anesthesiologist during my surgeries (I've had 11, various things) sitting down for a meeting to discuss options (along w/ the surgeon) that usually lasted 20 minutes, as well as discussing things with me before and after all surgeries. I had seven different anesthesiologists also, so it's not like they remembered me most of the time. Any medical field requires a lot of communication--even in the lab, via telephone or with your lab partners. </p>

<p>If you can find a career in medicine that doesn't require solid communication skills, more power to you.</p>

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<p>I mostly dislike smalltalk/ social situations where people are just milling around and not doing anything specific. I usually don’t mind communicating with people in a professional environment.</p>

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<p>Just curious: Do you have any real friends?</p>

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<p>Zizi - You really should see a doctor for a diagnosis and appropriate interventions. There are some aspects of Asperger Syndrome in your presentation.</p>

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<p>your a stupid sllut and that is basically your problem</p>

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<p>i totally aggree with kollegkid, you seem to exhibit some autistic traits.</p>

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<p>I don't think you are going to have to worry about having a lot of people in your room. I suspect if you have a "social" roommate she will probably be going to other peoples rooms.</p>

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<p>Any chance of getting a single room?</p>

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<p>Zizi, all I can say is that you have to deal with it. There will be people coming in your room and there's nothing you can do about it. You'll get used to it eventually.</p>

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<p>I tell my own kids all the time to stop the tug-of-war, put down the rope, get the other person on your side of the rope and look at the issue together as BOTH of your problem to solve, and solve it as a team.</p>

<p>You sound task-oriented, and introverted, and very worried. So worried about how to say "no" that you can't imagine yourself ever wanting to say "yes" to anything, either. Practice saying the appropriate assertive comments that begin with an "I" message -- "I'm tired now so I need some sleep for tomorrow" should be enough for most any roommate to understand that for you, the chat time has ended. (I also need to recharge so I know what you are saying.) Few people are SO discourteous that they'd continue to talk after you say such a thing. BUt if you dont' say it, how can they possibly know the tide has turned for you? So learn to speak up appropriately. Understand that THAT is how you'll guard your boundaries, and not by clutching every square inch of a possession. Then maybe you'll be able to relax enough to be friendly-ish and not difficult. Once you can say "no" you can begin to say "yes" to things,,,such as, "Hey, you want to go out for an ice cream?" which would only be asked of you if you haven't just busted someone's chops over a pencil or something. </p>

<p>I'd go for a task-oriented conversation (since you're more comfortable with that than a touchy-feely conversation), even by email now if you have that contact. Begin with the idea that it's "our" room and not "her side and my side." You are in too many mental power struggles in your mind, at the moment.</p>

<p>I'd love to see you two brainstorm this way, "I want our room to be the kind of room that I could....." and then each finish the sentence a few times. From that mutual understanding comes rules that you BOTH can express (even write down if you both wish) and live by.</p>

<p>For example, you say, "I want our room to be one where we can sometimes rest and recharge our batteries." She;s likely to agree. Then she says, I want
our room to be one where we can feel comfortable having friends over." Well, you're not so crazy about that but in your wildest dreams if you did make a friend wouldn't you want to be able to say, c'mon over. So, say "yes" to her big dream.
THEN, you're both in a position to make a few rules that meet both visions, and build in a bit of compromise to suit you both.
For example, a rule to meet both of those needs above is: "Friends are welcome and if there gets to be more than 2 visitors for either of us, then move the chat out to the lounge." or "Friends are welcome and we'll stop at 11 p.m." </p>

<p>Similarly, a vision: you say: "I want our room to be one where I can count on finding my things when I need them." She says, "I want our room to be one where I can get my work done." So together you write this rule:
"Desk items can be borrowed without asking, just return them to their proper place; clothing isn't to be borrowed; anything else, ask first for permission."</p>

<p>My advice to you is: accept yourself as you currently are but look forward to growing in your ability to be with people in ways that you CAN handle.</p>

<p>Learn to state your "I" messages to express when you've reached your boundary; that's how to protect your territory psychically, rather than actually protecting your territory/possessions physically. </p>

<p>Once you have protected your territory, you can let down your guard and enjoy people more.</p>

<p>A stapler isn't as important as a roommate's good will and friendship; try to work out the stapler issues but always keep it straight which matters more in life: people, not things.</p>

<p>Instead of always saying, "No, but.." try to say more often, "Yes, and..."
Look for ways you agree with others, what you have in common...and dwell less on what makes you so different from others. </p>

<p>Visualize the nicest person in the world as your potential roommate, and think about how you'll try to make her feel okay living around you. She could just be so great. Why put up a battle before you've even met her?</p>

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<p>Paying3tuitions-
That was wonderful advice. Thank you.</p>

<p>“You are in too many mental power struggles in your mind, at the moment.”</p>

<p>This is very true. I read some roommate from hell stories online a week or so ago. Needless to say, it didn’t help my aggravation. I started imagining all sorts of uncomfortable situations, which made me dig in my heels. I almost felt like I was in the same room with the roommates from hell that I was reading about. </p>

<p>“Instead of always saying, "No, but.." try to say more often, "Yes, and..."
Look for ways you agree with others, what you have in common...and dwell less on what makes you so different from others.”
I really like this advice - I will try to implement it. You’re right - when there are some basic boundaries in place, it’s easier to say yes to things that would have otherwise irked me. </p>

<p>Zizi</p>

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<p>The key is to get your roommate to WANT to follow your rules. Being friendly and nice and positive will get you so much farther. In fact, you would probably get anything you want if you're known as a nice person :). It's a game that I'm sure you will figure out during your college years. It's a good lesson to learn :).</p>

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<p>zizi, wow where to start</p>

<p>first, you are already creating walls around you and you haven't stepped on campus</p>

<p>secondly, you are being unreasonable- your "not on my side of the room" "shut her down" etc are the real you, and that will come across in person</p>

<p>it well be apparent to all that you just tolerate your roommate with sharing your breathing space, you have assumed off the bat she is a mooch, and is a gossipy girl, and shallow and whatever else, oh yeah lazy too boot</p>

<p>does your roommate even stand a chance?</p>

<p>ps- being shy does not excuse rudeness </p>

<p>and I wouldn't say it was necessarily social anxiety, though it may well be, but I see classic passive agressive behavior, which is really difficult to deal with</p>

<p>the poor me, everyone uses me, then well, I hate it, but am too weak to do anything, so I am going to go WAY over board </p>

<p>think about it</p>

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<p>If the printer thing gets ridiculous, you can charge anyone who wants to use your printer (I'm not referring to exorbitant amounts of 100$/page but possibly something along the lines of 25c/page [You decide.]).</p>

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<p>
[quote]
"The thing with me and people is that I’m fine talking for a couple of hours, but at the end of that couple of hours, I’m EXHAUSTED. This is probably not normal."</p>

<p>This is where the social anxiety thing is coming from. You're right, this is not normal.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Having interactions with others tire one out ... can be quite normal. According to the Myers-Briggs personality typing criteria I am an "intravert". This definition of intravert is not so much shy or not shy but more of does interacting with people energize you (extravert) or drain you (intravert). 75% of people test out as extraverts on this test and 25% as intraverts. Being an intravert does not mean anything negative like they do not like people or are anti-social ... it just means dealing with people tires one out. For example, I love parties with 10-12 friends .. however at the end of the party I am wiped and want to veg out for awhile while my friend Randy (an extreme extravert by this definition) is wired and bouncing of the walls after going to party. Neither is good or bad ... just different.</p>

<p>Bottom line ... I would not read anything negative into the fact that spending time with people tires you out.</p>

<p>(PS - and as an intravert having a single was a big help as I had my space to veg out when I needed to)</p>

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<p>For some reason this thread has remained in the back of my mind--I am worried about the OP dealing with a college environment.</p>

<p>Last night my neighbor showed me some entries on the facebook site for the college her daughter is going to next year. While realizing that some of the entries could be a lot more extreme than the future reality because the kids might just be posturing to seem cool to all the other incoming freshmen, a lot of the entries were of the " I can't wait to party !!! My room is going to be party central !!! and if my roomie doesn't like it tooo bad for her she'll just have to learn to like it !!!" variety.</p>

<p>I found myself thinking about how unpleasant it would be to room with these posters and I found myself imagining the poor OP being paired with one of these party animals.</p>

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<p>I think that you might want to not confront her and suddenly throw out all your feelings toward her during the first week or so of school, because she will either A) hate you from the start, causing a bad relationship, B) Do stuff like that just to **** you off to "get even" (couldn't think of the right word), or pretty much complain about you to everyone else (which may or may not affect you, or you might not care about that)</p>

<p>But you can set some ground rules after you get a chance to know her a little bit, and get to know some of her habits. Honestly, you sound REALLY uptight and i'm not going to lie, you sound like a roommate who wants to be just aquaintances (sp i know) with the other roommate, and you kinda sound like the roommate from hell. im not trying to be mean, im just saying what i get from this.</p>

<p>Everybody has doubts and stuff when they come to college and have a roommate, but dont worry, time will make it all better.</p>

<p>Everytime my roommate and I did something in our room (whether it was turning on music, bringing in friends, turning of the lights, watching tv, whatever), before we did something, the first things that came out of our mouths was "do you mind if......." and we never had a fight or arguement ever, and he was a great roommate.</p>

<p>If your roommate cant get your habits by the end of the first week, talk to her, be like "yea im more private and I like my alone time everynow and then" or whatever, and drop hints like that, but not very subtle hints, they have to be kinda direct and to the point, and be nice about it, because if you sound like a bi$@% or stuck up or whatever, your semester just might suck from roommate problems</p>

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<p>Zizi - does your school have a roommate finder or has your roommate already been assigned? My D had a friend who was also worried about her roommate assignment. The friend is an artist, very reserved and never had much luck finding others that she "clicked with" in summer camp situations.</p>

<p>She used Facebook to find some potential roommates. She spoke with them by telephone - essentially interviewing them. She ended up rooming with someone she found through Facebook and is was a better experience for her as they had picked each other.</p>

<p>If it is not too late you might want to consider this option. </p>

<p>If your roommate has already been assigned - contact her - she might have some of the same concerns you have!</p>