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<p>Hi, I am reading through all of these, and everything is so great, and so full of good information. I spoke to the back up therapist, nice guy, but seemed very reluctant to commit to helping me make any major decisions until main therapist returns. We are meeting tomorrow anyway, but doesn’t sound like he is comfortable taking that role on from our conversation. My son also made it clear that he doesn’t want to go and “open up to a total stranger” all over again. And me…I am emotionally and mentally utterly drained, too drained to argue right now.</p>
<p>So…I will meet with him tomorrow. He said he will be able to provide me with some options however to call and look into, that many do not have specific programs just for marijuana, that most are geared towards harder drugs, but that there are some outward bound/adventure programs that have been met with some success and some residential more traditional programs on the west coast that he also recommends. So I will see what those are about. He did forewarn me that they are all very expensive and often involve a min. stay of at least 30-40 days. I am keeping an open mind right now.</p>
<p>I am going to see the therapist I have seen a few times for myself, because as so many have pointed out it is really important for me to nurture my soul too. It is very easy to forget about myself in the craziness. I am trying to keep a stoic face on for my daughter and her dance recital, and for my son as I drive him to his friends house, it is hard…I feel like a Jekyll and Hyde, living a dual life. It is almost excruciating…like I wish I could just go away and deal with this somewhere else.</p>
<p>I think many of you who have brought up the debate about whether we are dealing first and foremost with a depressed kid or a heavily addicted to pot kid here is valid. I am not sure which is most prominent myself or which is feeding which. Is he depressed therefore self medicating with the pot, or addicted to pot and depressed as a result? I am not sure…again something for the therapist to answer. Lots of questions and this is why I am not making any moves right now. I will not throw him out because right now he is in crisis and I couldn’t deal with another setback of any kind. I think he has to go away but has to go somewhere safe where he can be helped by professionals. I will keep you all posted, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your genuine concern and compassion. It truly touches my heart and doesn’t make me feel quite so alone.</p>
<p>Good job and best wishes.</p>
<p>Totally agree but he is over 18, I am alone right now and cannot physically force him to go and do not have the emotional energy left to dispense to get him to go, I just don’t. So I will go on my own and wait until the end of the week when his therapist will be back. In the scheme of things, 5 days cannot worsen the damage from 2 years of hell. I appreciate your advice, but until you have walked in my shoes…and I pray that none of you will.</p>
<p>sopranomom, I would agree with the course of action you suggest. </p>
<p>What I would NOT agree with is the idea that some advanced of either simply throwing him out and/or setting him up in an apartment somewhere and telling him to support himself.</p>
<p>As I said, I agree that it sounds as if he needs the intensive treatment and controlled environment that a residential facility would provide. He clearly cannot remain at home any longer: it is doing him no good and inflicting harm on his family. </p>
<p>My remarks were not meant to suggest that it is okay to let the current situation ride. </p>
<p>Wipedoutmom, my best to you. Do take care of yourself.</p>
<p>Your CC sisters and brothers are here for you. Take care. You can do it.</p>
<p>I remember seeing your first post on this problem and am so sorry that your son’s situation has deteriorated. This is very very hard, for you and I wish you the strength to go forward and your son the strength and wisdom to recover. I’m glad that you are getting help for yourself. </p>
<p>As to your son, you are right. This is an emergency and he should be treated as quickly as possible. There is no hope in clearing up any underlying or co-morbid psychological issue if he is still getting high. This MUST be addressed first. </p>
<p>I only skimmed the responses so far, but I agree with a previous poster that an intervention is warranted. Asking your addicted son to go to treatment when he is old enough to refuse flat out and cannot be forced is a waste of time. Talk to your own therapist pronto about finding and intervention specialist. Do not wait for your son’s doctor to return. Start the process now. I have had to sit in on one of these. They are terribly painful, but also immensely effective in getting people into treatment. They also hurt because each person must decide what they will do if the addict does not go to treatment and then they must stick to it. Most people go after this confrontation by family, friends, employers, teachers, and anyone else who loves the person and can attest to the consequences his drug use. It’s a very powerful tool. I have sat in on one so this is from personal experience I speak. </p>
<p>And yes, weed can be addictive when you define addiction as continuing to use a drug despite repeated negative consequences. Do not believe that it is not a “real” drug like heroin or cocaine or alcohol. There may be disagreement about addiction in the strict medical sense, but in every other way your son’s use of weed makes him an addict and he needs help. </p>
<p>A good interventionist is licensed, though I do not know the details of how that works, and will help you set up the intervention and a course of treatment afterward. (Incidentally, if you don’t quite understand this process, check out cable channel A&E, which has a reality show on interventions. It’s not the way they are arranged in real life, but it is reality TV at its most stark.) </p>
<p>Keep helping yourself and your son and the rest of your family. Everyone here is pulling for you.</p>
<p>Wipedoutmom, your PM box is full, so see if you can delete some messages. Best wishes and prayers to you!</p>
<p>Hi I cleared my PM box, thanks so much for all those kind mesages of hope and support. I also got the referral of a very well known and widely respected Interventionist and we have a phone appt. tomorrow so this is yet another route that is being considered.</p>
<p>A lot of options to explore and of course I have been told about many private stories from so many of you which has been of tremendous comfort (to first know I am not alone and second to know that there really is hope and a light at the end of this tunnel)</p>
<p>So thank you.</p>
<p>" am a member of both, go to both, from time to time, and I can say that while some really really old people might get wierd in AA about talking about pot, it would be a very rare occurence as the population ages to not find drug users in both meetings, and alcohol abusers in both meetings."</p>
<p>I’ve been to both and our experiences are very different.</p>
<p>WOMom, unfortunately, I have no expertise that I can contribute to assist you other than to say that you are a remarkable person in the way you have been patient and tried to do all the right things. I really hope things work out for your family.</p>
<p>Well, hang in there. In situations like this, it just sometimes helps to make a list of everything you can do and then once it is done, if at all possible, just try to put it out of your mind, even if that means watching incredibly bad tv for a few hours, just to break up the anxiety.</p>
<p>A good novel can help, too.</p>
<p>Board games with the kids.</p>
<p>Mundane is good.</p>
<p>Sleep is better. :)</p>
<p>I am really starting to feel beyond tired now. I have been in most of the day on the phone, doing lots of online research and being on CC a lot too. I am actually glad that my eyes are starting to feel exhausted because I am hoping it will mean that I will actually exhaust myself into much needed sleep at last. My son really woke me up with this conversation over dinner though, just when I thought I heard it all…</p>
<p>Tonight we actually spoke a little over a very quiet dinner. He actually started telling me how this is mostly my fault, as per the therapist. That he has realized, again “the therapist has validated this for him” that I smothered him with love, didn’t give him enough responsibilities, let him quit his sports (only after trying for MONTHS begging him to not quit, but aside from dragging him by the ear to the baseball diamond there was nothing more I could do) cared for him too much, was “too concerned for his whereabouts” when “most parents” were able to sleep, I just couldn’t be like those other parents, but had to wait up until I knew he was home. Terrible me. I loved him too much, cared for him to much. Was that a crime. Now its my fault. Now he is blaming me for the predicament he is in. Is that twist of irony for you or what. I mean my mouth was hanging open, it still is. I am in disbelief over the fact that he still believes this and if in fact the therapist even fed him half of that, then why in the world are we footing the bill for this person? Is it me? Am I going crazy and getting hysterical and delusional over here or what? </p>
<p>Oh boy, I must really be exhausted because I feel like I have heard it all now. I may not be “therapy savvy”, I may not have done the “drug or pot scene” and have no regrets, believe me but I know one thing I until the day I die will not be made to feel guilty for loving or caring for my kids “too much”. I am too tired to think, my mind is mush right now, what is the translation here…is he just looking to lash out and to blame someone so I am the most convenient target here or does he truly think I am to blame?</p>
<p>No, he is still in the phase of blaming every one but himself. You are a convenient target. I know it’s extremely difficult (if not impossible), but try not to take it to heart.</p>
<p>I think you really need to get your husband in on this. I know he has a lot on his plate right now, but this is too much for you to handle on your own. The two of you need to present a united from to your son, and by yourself he is trying to make you into the scapegoat.</p>
<p>Definitely try to see your therapist for your own peace of mind. {hugs}</p>
<p>Ouch! I’m surprised he actually said such a thought. That you cared too much?!! The therapist gave him these ideas? The therapist might have said these things, but with a different intention. (that he didn’t do enough for himself.) But that your son would turn it around and then place the fault of all this on you is ridiculous. Just don’t get into this discussion. It’s too exhausting. You’re too frazzled to go there. Absolutely don’t go there. </p>
<p>Instead, pour yourself a small glass of wine, put your feet up and read about the ash in Europe and be happy you aren’t stuck in some airport. Tomorrow, make your phone calls. And in between, get some sleep.</p>
<p>PS: his response isn’t a surprise. He’s young and looking for someone else to blame. When he finally does come to the realization that he is responsible for his own actions, then he’s showing maturity!</p>
<p>Hang on wipedoutmom, as your son is confronted with his addiction he will pull every trick out of the hat to avoid having to truly deal with this. It may include</p>
<p>Lying
Becoming violent
Blaming you
Negotiating “new” therapists/treatments
Crying (more manipulation)
“Sincere” apologies and “sincere” new promises to do better
Screaming and swearing
Becoming even better at hiding his problem
Threatening suicide
Threatening to move out and “never talk to you again”
Extreme lethargy/depression/helplessness</p>
<p>I hope you get him into a 30-day residential program followed by him not moving back into your home. The sooner the better. Wish I had better news and advice for you.</p>
<p>The reality is if he is living at home you and your younger children are sitting ducks for his manipulations and the terrible upheavals ahead. </p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>You are the convenient one to blame (and your therapist gave him a wonderful target, whether on purpose or not). You, however, are not to blame!!! Do not allow yourself to become the scapegoat. Your son must own his own behavior. What he does in his adult life is his responsibility.</p>
<p>I come from a family of dysfunctional folks. My older brother has battled depression his whole life. He sees things through “different” eyes. We experienced many of the same things growing up, but his perception is so different than mine. Where I see something as having happened … he sees it as having some profound meaning beyond what I read into it. Neither of us is right or wrong. BUT … as I have told him many, many times … it is HIS responsibility to get the help he needs to deal with how he feels.</p>
<p>I recently discovered that my dad has held onto things that happened 60 years ago. These things have eaten at him all those years! He blames everyone & everything for his unhappiness … except himself. How sad to be so unhappy for so many years.</p>
<p>As I mentioned, another brother lost a battle with addiction. He never blamed anyone else when he went into recovery, and he never blamed anyone else when he relapsed later in life. It was what it was, and he did his best. The addictions got the best of him in the end, but he had a happy life. He learned to love himself when he went through his original rehab program many years ago, and it was simply the physical addiction that got the best of him.</p>
<p>Adults, addicted or not, are responsible for themselves. If they are unhappy, they must figure out how to BE happy. Therapy can help your son understand that blaming someone else for how he feels today is counter-productive. A GOOD therapist will help your son discover how to deal with his relationships so that he can achieve a healthy balance in his life.</p>
<p>Did you love him too much? I don’t believe that is possible. Have you done some things that made him feel too dependent, too smothered, too … whatever? I have no clue. What I do know is that HE must take responsibility for HIS destructive actions. You might need to make some changes in order to maintain a healthy relationship with your son … again, I don’t know the intimate details of your life. But I would suggest considering finding a therapist who is more in tune with what is going on here.</p>
<p>“Tonight we actually spoke a little over a very quiet dinner. He actually started telling me how this is mostly my fault, as per the therapist.”</p>
<p>Unfortunately our experience with the 5 outside of rehab, were into the blame the parent game. In our case, our son was so manipulative, intelligent and cunning, he was capable of getting anything he wanted from the therapists including in rehab. I wish you a lot of luck. In our case, it took multiple times in rehab, living on the street, homeless shelters, halfway, three-quarters houses etc.</p>
<p>Depressed people at times project all their anger and angst onto others. This is VERY difficult to be on the receiving end, but you must realize this is what’s going on and realize it is the depression working and talking. It is better for him to talk and blame you (whether deserved or not) then to not be able to express himself at all. Detach and listen without having the emotional response you would normally have with a non-depressed person saying the same things. </p>
<p>It is very hard to understand while it is going on, but I still think it is better to have him talking to you then not at all.</p>
<p>WOM, whatever you do, YOU don’t start blaming yourself. And I sincerely hope you don’t let your son cause friction between your husband and yourself. Please take care of yourself first and do not let anyone convince you that you’re to blame.</p>