<p>A close friend of mine went through this with her S when he was 17 and ended up putting him in a residential treatment house for 3 months. After his stay, he continued going to NA meetings for years. He is now in his 20’s and has not relapsed. This is only one example, of course, but I recently saw him and he says that the residential treatment saved his life.</p>
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<p>I must point out that low self-esteem can be caused by the opposite. When parents praise their children constantly and can see no wrong in them, the reality of their less than perfect selves outside the home may lead to feelings of inadequacy and insecurities. The best approach for building authentic, healthy self-esteem is realism. A parent should praise only when truly earned (above all for effort) and calmly rebuke bad behavior.</p>
<p>The mature way to discuss on boards is to disagree with someone’s opinion without personally attacking them. </p>
<p>My advice comes from experience and steps taken which have worked and turned things around in a big way.</p>
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<p>I agree. I also think that your post could be taken as an attack on the OP and her husband.</p>
<p>Exactly. It implied that the OP was an attention-seeker AND that her husband was unengaged in their child’s issues, neither of which appear true.</p>
<p>It doesn’t matter if it is true. Kids cannot expect to have a perfect environment. When ANYONE has a problem with drugs, depression, the idea is to get them to change things about THEMSELVES, not others. You cannot change the behavior of others. You can only change yourself.</p>
<p>Joining in the chorus of mafool and Pizzagirl. </p>
<p>I’ll also add that my personal experiences would cause me to disagree with your opinion on what is effective, having followed many of your recommendations to no avail. Nothing changed in our family until my son wanted to change.</p>
<p>That is so true, Sabaray. That’s why I really urge the OP to focus on help for herself.</p>
<p>Just wanted to chime in and say that this thread petrfies me.
My oldest is 15 and at public school. He says that pot is so prevalent “you have even no idea mom” to quote his words.
From what I am hearing from my son, harder, more expensive drugs are more prevalent in private schools. Apparently kids openly write about it on FB.
A couple of months ago I have found out that a son of our distant friends has had problems with heroin. This goes a few years back. I knew at that time that they had issues with the boy, but they never opened up and I never suspected drugs. My kid , who attends same HS at this time, is finding out through friends.
All I am trying to say it is so prevalent, it is plain scary.
How do you protect your kids?</p>
<p>OP - my prayers go to you and your family. I have no words of wisdom.</p>
<p>^^you can’t. Its not in your control at this stage. Hopefully they have enough sense. Unfortunately, most kids try stuff and some fraction of them become addicts, the rest go on.</p>
<p>You cannot protect your kids 100%. What you can do is talk to them, let them know your position on all of this without getting emotional and try to keep them in supervised or group situations as much as possible. I would drive my son to functions rather than let him drive or get a ride with friends as many times as I could. And pick him up. I made sure that I spoke to the parents when he was going to friends’ homes even though I felt a bit foolish at times. I made it a habit to be around and show up intermittently at things unexpectedly. And I snooped. Still didn’t sew it up tight enough, but it did keep my oldest away from substance abuse until he went to college, and probably cut down my second one’s opportunities. I was always up when they came home, and the few times that I detected a whiff of anything, my son was grounded. He still did stupid things . </p>
<p>I don’t know about this about the private schools having the harder stuff either. It’s everywhere. I’m getting a new respect for the Christian fundamentalist groups’ methods of child rearing. Liberty University just might be on my list for the next two.</p>
<p>There is a great deal of truth to what Edna has said, though I’ll agree it sounds harsh. From my read, cptofthehouse mostly agrees, but also points out the need for WOM to take care of herself. Re-Read post #140, it is right on. </p>
<p>Tough love is very difficult on the parents, and many need to be shocked into doing it. IMO, perhaps that is where Edna is pointing with her posts. It’s not easy and it takes a great deal of strength. And, since there is a Dad in the house, he needs to be very much involved. I agree with Edna on this, the son comes before extended family. Dad can NOT be replaced. Others can help with the uncle. </p>
<p>Good luck, WOM! Be strong, be tough, and tell DH that he is absolutely needed at home for support for both your son and you. You can do this!</p>
<p>I have been off the the site for about a week or so as we had a death in the family and its been a bit hectic. I wanted to update you since everyone has been so supportive and kind in reaching out to me and inquiring through private messages as to what’s going on. First we decided to no longer go to the therapist. I did not like her from the start but since I was new to the whole world of therapy, I bit my lip and continued, however my husband also did not care for her style and found her to be cold and not very engaging, even more… when my husband spoke to my son, he too did not find that he was getting much out of it, so the three of us decided that she wasn’t right for us. We are now looking for someone new. We have been recommended to a new person who actually specializes in social anxiety, whose office is a bit far, and we are meeting with him early next week. If we like him and feel good about him it will be well worth the twice weekly visits. He will meet with us once as a family and once with my son. I am however, continuing with the person I am going to for myself, who is wonderful and very comforting.</p>
<p>To clear the record, my husband left to be with his uncle, who practically raised him from age 4, and therefore was considered to be his father (not that I feel the need to explain this) at a time when things were not nearly as bad with my son, as they soon became. It was only after he left, literally a few days after he left that I discovered a number of things and that things seem to have spiraled out of control, in fact though I am not looking at the original thread I believe I even touched on that. I will not state that we are perfect parents, in fact I don’t think perfect parents exist. I think for the most part, though most parents try damn hard, and that we all do our very best to raise good, conscientious, honest, upstanding, intelligent, decent kids. My husband and I worked from the bottom up to raise 3 wonderful kids .I am proud of the job we have done and have often been complimented for raising such well mannered, kind, compassionate and well respected kids. They are doers in our community and high achievers (even our son who is struggling). I gave up 20 years to be at home, and to be there every day when they got home from school to help them study for their tests, organize their lives, be their support systems, you name it, I was there. I wasn’t farming out the driving duties, I was the one doing it, every day to every activity, for every one of them.</p>
<p>Someone talked about quality time. I can sit here and honestly tell you I cannot think of a SINGLE PARENT who spent more quality time with their kids than me and my husband. We only got a babysitter maybe twice a month. We did EVERYTHING together as a family. Skiing every weekend as a family. Going to the beach every weekend in the summer as a family. On this thread, someone is accusing me of not being around enough, you have no idea. You don’t know me. That is a preposterous and very loaded accusation to make without knowing someone. You could not be further from the truth. My husband is incredibly involved. He was and is the one who spends hours every night going over homework (he excels at math and is a major history buff) with our three teenagers and is a sports nut so is at every game, scrimmage,etc…every weekend, we are skiing, canoeing,hiking, or doing some family activity. When he returned he was devastated that I hadn’t called him. But I still had no regrets. I know he needed that time to say goodbye to his uncle (second dad). And I know I did the right thing.
To the therapist, I did too much. I spent too much time with my kids. Didn’t let go enough. Didn’t spend enough time away from them. Smothered them with love.
Do I give praise? When its deserved. I have always praised myself on knowing when to give praise. I give it when it is earned. Even now. So again, when you have no idea what our life is on a day to day basis or what my parenting style is, please, do not assume anything. That much, I ask you. </p>
<p>We are going through a private and very painful struggle. I would not wish this upon anyone. This consumes me 24 hours a day. I started working about 8 months ago after not working for 20 years and have just gotten a extended leave of absence to be able to care for my son. I am doing all that is within my power. All of the right things, to me. I don’t need a perfect stranger to come in and attack me on a personal level. Everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion and I fully respect that. I welcome it, in fact and that is precisely why I even posted on this web site and it is has been a tremendous source of information and support and I am thankful for that. Tough love is tough but I am very familiar with it. You don’t know that our wallets, car keys, credit cards are locked up. Our bedroom door has a lock when we are not home. This is new to us, we never had to think twice about having to do these things. We are however dealing with not just a kid who is smoking pot and who is acting out. We are dealing first and foremost with a kid who is hurting very deeply from social anxiety and depression who is socially isolated, who is suffering miserably. We have to walk a fine line here and handle this with kid gloves. I think the bottom line, and this has been echoed by so many already, is that this can happen to ANYONE and NOTHING can change until that person has decided he/she is ready for change. We can only offer our undying support and love (with limits) and pray to God that the light at the end of this tunnel is near.
Thank you for your support.</p>
<p>Wipedoutmom, your family is in my prayers</p>
<p>^^^ This is heartfelt, beautiful, and says it all.</p>
<p>You have my very deepest sympathies on the loss of a most important family member. I lost my mother last month, and I have not recovered emotionally yet … and I did not have everything else going on that you have. You must be absolutely drained. Please take care of yourself.</p>
<p>My story is similar to yours. I, too, committed my life to my family. My goal was to do everything in my power to be the best parent possible. Was I perfect? No. Did I make mistakes? Yes. In the end, though, I KNOW that whatever happens in my kids’ lives happened outside of my control. To be blunt, one of the reasons I organized my life as I did was precisely because of my addict brother (and another brother, who has some very complicated emotional issues). I knew that my mother always felt a measure of guilt that she couldn’t always be there for us due to the need to work (not for “extras,” but for basics). Since my husband earned enough that we have what we need, and since I truly enjoyed being home & volunteering on my own terms, devoting my time to family was something I WANTED to do. So I truly do sympathize when you are attacked for being there “too much” for your kids. You did the right thing in finding another therapist!!!</p>
<p>My prayers are with you. You WILL get through this. It will be difficult, and it is possible that it might not work out as you hope … but you will continue to do everything in your power to do the right thing. In the end, the outcome is in the hands of your son. You will, as you always have, give him what he needs. That is the best you can do, and it is the right thing to do. Hang in there. Being a parent can be TOUGH!!!</p>
<p>WOM, I am glad to see you back here. I have been thinking about you, and yes, praying for your family. I know how hard this road is to travel and it’s a long one. Take care.</p>
<p>“This can happen to ANYONE”</p>
<p>Absolutely true. When I read your posts, I think “there but for the grace of God go I.” </p>
<p>It can absolutely happen in my family whether I have been a good parent or not.</p>
<p>I’m still pulling for you WOM. Good post.</p>
<p>Anybody who thinks they can come on and post a cookie cutter recipe for dealing with these issues really doesn’t know what they’re talking about, and for their sake I hope they never do. Whether it’s drugs, psychological issues, or anything else. The pain and frustration is pretty much indescribable. Counseling, treatment, intervention, spending time, blah blah blah. Yeah, maybe it worked for your kid. Lucky you. These things work with some kids, other kids it is just pretty much serendipity.</p>
<p>I know I put my parents through this with my own behavior, but I came out of it and made amends with them, although I still feel a tad guilty about it.</p>
<p>My own stepson is now having issues (nothing new- it’s his grades primarily). He’s a senior, five weeks before graduation and we still don’t know if he’ll graduate or not. He’s always on the hairy edge of one class or another, but has always managed to pull it out or make it up in summer school. But now time is running out, and although he’s passed all the required exit exams and all the classes up to this point, 13 years of school could basically go down the drain in the next five weeks. And we have tried virtually everything over the past 7 years I’ve been married to his mom. I used to sit and carefully go over his homework with him every night, making sure it was done, then somehow it never made it’s way to the teacher. He’s been to tutoring and psychologists. Sure, we drag him to church with us on Sunday. All of the above folks. It breaks mom’s heart but I’m just pretty much resigned myself now. I tell her we can’t let it ruin our lives or health, or we won’t be around to help him if one day he actually asks for it. We still remind him, but I doubt it has much affect.</p>
<p>So sorry to hijack the thread, seemed as good a place as any to vent.</p>
<p>Hi WOM- I’m glad to hear you are having success with your own therapist. My best wishes to you and your family. I can’t really imagine the anguish you are going through and my heart breaks for you.</p>
<p>WOM, you have my admiration, respect and support. I will be keeping you and yours in my prayers.</p>