<p>I have very strong concerns about your daughter’s mental/emotional health, and worry, frankly, that something very bad could happen here, that she might harm herself even. That is my immediate and intuitive response to your posts. </p>
<p>I know you are a caring, concerned Dad so please take my comments in that spirit.</p>
<p>She has done many courses at community college, but the first two years of engineering and math classes at a top university would have a much more rigorous preparation than cc for upper class courses. She missed out on that preparation, right? But is blaming herself.</p>
<p>Honestly, you seem intent on keeping her at this top school, where she probably should not have gotten in in the first place. People think about getting in to a top school, but forget that the work is more difficult once you get in. Did you and/or your wife and/or your daughter focus on prestige (in face of extended family as you mentioned, perhaps?) when she applied to this school? Your daughter (and anyone else) needs to forget about prestige and think about survival, and I mean that literally. She may continue to feel like a failure at this school and this kind of depression can be dangerous.</p>
<p>Taking 16 credits of summer school is absurd in this situation. One of my kids has major health issues and is taking ONE summer class to catch up. We discussed two, and decided that with the intensity of summer school, one was enough. Now, your daughter does not have health issues but is seriously stressed, and her psyche should get a rest. That kind of pressure may push her over the edge. NOT worth it in terms of what this might do to her.</p>
<p>She has now been told that the entire course of her life depends on how she does on exams next week. If she is not feeling prepared or able, how will she react to this pressure? Again, my sense is that she may be in danger. I cannot say that strongly enough.</p>
<p>Obviously, she should not be in engineering. She does not have the preparation or the talent in this particular subject. But where did she get ideas about the prestige of this, or the idea that this was the only sure way to make a living (and I am NOT saying from you!)? Try to emphasize that school is a time for learning and not stress salary or career. She may need some education from someone about how the employment market actually works, and that it takes some wandering to find a path. This kind of rigid focus often happens with med school too: it reflects a lack of sophistication and/or excessive need for certainty I think.</p>
<p>She is 23 and at a residential college. The social consequences of being older and a transfer student have not been mentioned. She must feel out of step in many ways. This can be a major thing that noone has brought up. What does she do when everyone is partying and hooking up etc? Does she feel older and more mature than others? Has she made friends?</p>
<p>Has your daughter ever been diagnosed with ADHD, depression, learning issues, anxiety? With her history, the bitter divorce and lack of connection with her mother, some conflict with you, an almost compulsive stubbornness, and the academic failures, there is something deeper going on in this picture that you may not be willing to look at. Again, I feel that her literal survival depends on you looking at it, and helping her get some help.</p>
<p>If she sees a mental health counselor and talks about what is going on, it is possible that the academic record could be wiped clean. Colleges will do that when there is a documentable problem going on. Depression would be one of these problems.</p>
<p>Once the record is clean, if that is possible, or even if it is not, I strongly feel your daughter needs to leave this school. Trying to do 16 credits this summer to earn a grant and save you money will be incredibly destructive. Tell her you don’t care if she is at this school. Is it worth her life? Tell her she does not need to be an engineer to support herself. Most importantly, tell her that her well-being is most important right now and that she deserves some relief before making decisions for the future. She needs help, not judgment (and again, I know you are being kind)></p>
<p>At her age, there are many, many ways to get an education and degree. She is, however, at a decision point about how to do it, because most schools have a requirement that you do 30-45 credits at their school to graduate. Many cc students can automatically go to a state university. There are online degrees of high caliber, and “low residency” programs which require brief attendance followed by independent work with an advisor. There are countless continuing education and adult learner programs. She would be with people her own age who have similar backgrounds and histories.</p>
<p>She feels like a failure and is weeping and stressed. She needs to leave the school and engineering. But she needs sensitive help from someone at the college first. If I were you, I would call a dean or someone appropriate and explain the situation. In our experience, a call like that from a parent can bring expert intervention immediately. Tell your daughter you are going to do this, , so that you are not breaching trust with her, and tell her that she DESERVES some relief.</p>
<p>I hope I am not right in my intuitive response, but this situation, to me, adds up to a very serious threat in terms of emotional well-being and I feel afraid for your daughter right now. Ask yourself, if depression could lead her to a very bad place, whether this school and this major are worth that kind of suffering. Help her find someone to really deal with the roots of the problems (not the surface symptoms) and open her eyes to the very real possibilities that exist for her at such a young age. Good luck.</p>