Problems with my DD sophomore

Parents Forum
1

My DD - always a perfect daughter, very conscientious, grounded, always a very good student one of the top if her class is now giving me hell.

I am trying to readjust. I think I need help to decide what is reasonable and what would be too authoritarian.

She decided to homeschool herself this sophomore year. The reason is she wanted to take 3 AP classes and her school did not offer even 2 APs. It was fine with me, I helped when I could, she studied herself.

I was worried that she might not manage, and offered tutor help. She said she is doing good. The tests she is taking at the end of each topic and khan showed all very good results.

Then she took her first SAT, as a practice, just to see how she would do. She got 1200. I got worried. She got really upset. She decided to take a gap year and make up to get into a good college

Also she just told me she does not think she will do good on her SATs subject test this month. I asked her why, she says she does not know. I asked her how to help, she does not give me an answer.

She is in her room studying all the time.I check on her during the day, and see that she studies. She volunteers once a week, does sports 3-4 times a week in the late afternoon. Besides I ask her to help around 30 minutes a day (with a lot of attitude). She sees her friends once a week.

She does seem to be studying, however I trusted her with her phone. It is always with her, always buzzing, instagram, and so on. After bad SAT scores I asked her to keep her phone in the kitchen, she can get up and text, but I think that its s too distracting to be checking your messages couple of times an hour. She does study with a computer, and I have to trust her with that. I cleaned her room the other day, and found pot. I took it away, told her all about legal and other consequences. She tells me she is very stressed and she did it in her room but herself once a month for 2 months, and that is it.

Last night I asked her to study with me in the kitchen, and give me a list of everything she plans to do and did that day. I put the phone in a different room. I feel embarrassed to keep her on this tight leash. I am afraid she might run off out of the house and she will hate staying here. I want to be somebody she comes to talk to, but with the recent development I feel I have to supervise her all the time. I also feel I am taking away a lot of her freedom and social life (homeschooling in a rural area can be isolating and phone becomes an escape I think), and I am making her more stressed than she already is.

Any suggestions and advice is appreciated.

2

Did she do any SAT prep before or after this test?

And – she’s a sophomore. Most students take the SAT in junior and senior year.

3

Not sure the rationale for homeschooling is enough here.

If it were me, I’d be meeting with a guidance counselor at your local HS next week to figure out if there’s an online class or two your D could take to supplement the regular HS curriculum.

Not every kid can handle the amount of independence required to successfully home school. No shame in it. There’s a reason why HS’s have lunch breaks (for socializing) and gym requirements and band and yearbook and all those other non-academic things.

4

@bodangles Agree with @blossom about the questionable rationale for homeschooling. “The reason is she wanted to take 3 AP classes and her school did not offer even 2 APs.” Is not a good reason. Many kids take AP exams without taking the associated AP classes. At my son’s HS, well over 75% of the AP exams that were taken by students were in AP subjects not taught at the school, or when taught at the school, by students who didn’t actually take the class.

Clearly, you care about your daughter.

Would consider the possibility that the expressed “reason” was not the real reason, but rather an excuse to cover some other issues (perhaps bullying, social anxiety, or other issues that cause unhappiness in teens…) causing distress at school.

5

Forgot to mention she wants to stay with music on… She says it calms her down. For me it would a distraction honestly.

There were other reason, like the fact that she got no sleep at all. She got up at 5.30 to make a bus at 6.30 and got home anywhere from 6 to 9, 10 and 12 am and still having to do some homework. There was no time for sleep, forget any time for herself to reflect, rest or read. Besides all that, school being far from greatest, me doing lots of driving to pick her up at the late hours, she decided to homeschool. It is what it is now. I guess we will have to deal with it. She only needs 2 more credits to have her diploma.

I want to figure out though I being reasonable? How do I know that she is ‘‘getting’’ the material. Her subjects tests are very good but when SAT came there was a big discrepancy. Same was for a year of junior school. She got 97 -100 in subjects throughout the year (she was active in class, she submitted her homework on time and it was correctly done) and 78 in regents. Some things just don’t add up.

6

She took a bit of SAT practice before SAT, not enough though, she had a month to prepare herself.

She is right now actually a junior, 11th grade, but with the gap year she would be right now a sophomore.

7

I’ve homeschooled for a long time, each of my four kids in different ways in terms of years in public or private schools.

I am very pro-homeschooling, but it is hard to homeschool high school, especially with one kid. It can become very intense, and that can create issues for a kid who already pushes herself very hard.

Why Is she so disappointed in the 1200 SAT? She is a sophomore taking a practice test and she’s already thinking about a gap year. It does seem like she is unreasonably stressed.

I know lots of people are not concerned about pot, but I would be and I think it’s good you are taking it seriously. But I think it’s more important to get to the emotional root of this issue and I think counseling could help both of you. Don’t just keep a tight leash without dealing with the emotional issues.

8

Gap years don’t normally change your class standing. She had 9th grade in a traditional school, and will complete her second full year of homeschooling this year? Or will complete her first full year of homeschooling this year, with enough credits that she could graduate in 2019?

What does her homeschooling look like? Entirely self-directed / self-paced? Or is she taking classes online through an established program?

9

I don’t know whether you will be able to do this, but I really believe her smart phone needs to go. At least when she is studying. There are many studies showing each check of the phone, just a couple seconds, slow down the brain and it may need 20 minutes to get back on track. There are saying that the constant interruptions of phone to our brain power is almost equivalent to taking a med that slows down our brain power by 20%.
But then, unless she is willing and realizing the problem of using phones while studying, you might be fighting a losing battle.
FYI, my S decided to keep his iPhone home while he was in school this year, he commmented that he is a lot more focused and productive.

10

Can you contact a state or local homeschool for a recommendation to a counselor familiar with homeschooling? I think you might find positive suggestions to deal with your situation that way.

I homeschooled one of my kids for a year because she asked to. She was having some emotional problems. The mental health specialist we were seeing at the time was very negative about her request and thought her behavior was avoidance, period, and maybe it was. But we were fortunate to find someone else who could work with her more objectively and it turned out to be a very good year. I gave her freedom to choose resources and focus on areas of study she liked. She did a testing and different therapies. She came out of that year a much happier and functional person, and we had a better relationship.

This can be a good opportunity for your dd to work on some issues and grow if you decide to approach it that way and get appropriate help.

Choosing to homeschool for emotional reasons isn’t a bad thing as long as it’s an opportunity for the issues to be addressed. Sending her back to school isn’t bad either, but you still need to work on the underlying problems. Using school or homeschool to avoid problems are both bad.

11

Why such a brutal schedule in regular high school?

Seems like she is under impossible social pressure regarding school achievement, and may have internalized the idea that however hard she tries, it is not good enough.

12

This year would be her junior year 11th grade. This is the first year she homeschooled herself with a bit of my help and online program. Right now she has needs two more courses to graduate. However, we made a couple of mistakes along the way. We chose not accredited AP school (I did not know much about it in the beginning of the year). And her last 10 grade in school here was a discrepancy between course grade and regent exam grade. We decided to take on extra year to study / improve the situation. Besides it will give her an extra year to grow up a bit.

Ill look into counseling. That was a good advice. Thanks guys!!

13

@makemesmart can you provide links to those studies. That is fascinating!

OP: I’m sorry that you & your daughter are struggling. It’s hard enough being the mother of at 15/16 year old girl without the homeschooling on top of it!

I agree with many of the responses that the desire to take an additional AP class is not enough to warrant homeschooling. And it should not be too late to reenroll locally.
What are your DD’s goals & plans to achieve them? Sounds like there’s a lot going on with academic pressures, the thoughts of a gap year, etc. Never too late to reevaluate the path to make sure it’s healthy in the long & short term.

14

no, it isn’t what it is. Your D is finishing sophomore year. You have lots of time to figure out her life, figure out how to make her a happy, functioning teenager. Just because she homeschooled this past year doesn’t mean she has to do it next year (your town is obligated to give her a HS education and they have to take her back), and just because she got no sleep her freshman year doesn’t mean you can’t figure out a schedule which gives her time for sleep, exercise, meals, study, etc. this time around.

She decided to homeschool for reasons which are still somewhat cloudy. You agreed because it meant less time driving around. OK. Start from there. Are her reasons for homeschooling still valid? Are yours?

She doesn’t sound very content with the decisions she’s made and now you guys have a chance to fix it. Lots of teenagers have stress. But hanging with friends at lunch, or seeing them on the school bus, or working on the school paper or yearbook- all of things can be stress relievers. Worrying about her SAT scores seems to be the least of it right now.

15

This response will only address drug use - you have great advice from others re academics etc.

Your daughter sounds unreasonably stressed - this is through no fault of yours, this is the environment in which she lives - a constant barrage of social media, texting, 24hrs a day news cycle, FOMO etc. The pot is a big red flag; she told you she did it twice, over two months, don’t believe her! She told you she does it because she is stressed - the stress needs to be dealt with through exercise, diet, sleep, yoga, and, if necessary, therapy - drugs are NOT the answer. If you don’t get a grip on this now, and take control, soon will come harder drugs and pills.

I am not being alarmist, it’s fact; sadly, I speak from experience. PM me if you’d like to ‘chat’

16

You might want to think about whether testing in general doesn’t reflect her abilities.

Or maybe she has test anxiety.

It might help her to learn about test optional colleges.

The only issue is that some colleges are not test optional for homeschoolers.

I don’t know it mattered that a school was accredited for AP tests because some kids self-study for AP tests. Can someone chime in about this?

17

1200 is around the 76%. That is just fine for a sophomore. Not everyone can score in the top echelons and with another good year of academics and some prep, she may gain another 20-30 points per section and that would put her closer to the 90%. That is a fine score. Don’t be put off by the scores you see on this board. They are far from average.

I am homeschooling high schoolers. If they had too much alone time and I caught them doing pot, they would go back to a brick and mortar school or possibly dual enroll full time (possible here for jr/seniors). If we couldn’t do either of those options, I’d look for an online charter where she’s checking in with another adult multiple times per day. The 1200 SAT would be fine to dual enroll at community colleges here. My teens do not have technology in their room. They’ve always done school work in common areas. They’ve always done outside the house activities 5-7 days a week. A kid spending hours and hours alone in a bedroom would set off an alarm for me. If she is so stressed, is it possible she could have anxiety? Talking to a therapist might not be a bad idea to get to the bottom of this.

18

1200 SAT would be fine for a sophomore who was just finishing sophomore level work, but I don’t think that’s the case here. The description is extremely confusing, but it sounds like the daughter only plans on taking 2 more classes and graduating, so that means regardless of number of years attended, she should have similar knowledge and test scores as a student who completed her junior year at least. It’s reasonable for the mom to be concerned about a 1200 score from a kid with only two more classes to complete, especially if the student has been getting what appears to be decent grades. That’s definitely something to figure out. Was it an off day? Does the daughter not understand the material (throwing the homeschool grades into question)? Did the daughter not have any practice so some of the issue was unfamiliar format?

19

So did she skip a grade then? Since the OP calls her a sophomore but she officially only has 2 more classes? I’d consider bumping her back or having her do an academically focused gap year if that is the case. She does not sound ready for college at all. Maturity wise more so than academically. A 1200 is not awful, but if she usually tests higher, than you might want to get to the bottom of that.

Kids graduate high school with a huge range of ability and course work. There’s no reason she NEEDS to be done after 2 more classes. My junior is going to graduate high school next year with at least 30 college credits.

I’d be setting up a much more structured day for her if she were going to stay home and I think a therapist or counselor is a great idea.

20

I’m confused. Did she homeschool as a sophomore but is now doing Junior year or did she homeschool as a junior but is calling herself a sophomore because she wants to take a gap year? If the latter, I am not sure that is how it works. She will still be a senior in the fall or would be after she takes the year off.

Did she take an SAT prep class or have an SAT tutor? That may be necessary if she is not getting the practice done. If this is a sophomore year test, lots of time to improve. She also may have been very anxious.

As for taking away her phone, that is your decision. But as a rising junior or senior she is not that far from being an adult and a college student. She needs to learn how to manage social media and how to focus. If the phone is not distracting her, a book could be, or day dreaming, or looking out the window.

It also seems like she may be learning the material for the short-term homework and tests, but is not getting the required level of information for the regents exams. I would look at the material she is using. Is it aligned with regents?

Are there options for her to go back to a regular school and does she have any interest in doing that? Were the late nights due to sports and ECs?