<p>I am overwhelmed and I am hoping that some collective wisdom might provide some clarity. After wavering between two top schools, DS2 declared a choice. Immediately DH, who had remained neutral to this point, began highlighting the food options at the school from which he graduated the school which DS2 had just declined! Food options sound insane but what DH was getting at was quality of life on campus. DH was indirectly, but quite clearly, making his preference known. (I admit that I too had recently concluded that DHs alma mater had become my first choice for DS2.) </p>
<p>DS2 finished listening to DH and went to his room. When I entered DS2s room a bit later, he announced he was going to the other school! I said no, you get to go where you want! He said he flipped a coin online and when DHs alma mater came up the winner, DS2 said he felt relieved. DS2 had always said that the alma mater is the safer choice because he has friends there and is very comfortable with the campus from attending a summer program other choice further from home, no friends, more urban but far more desirable location.</p>
<p>DS2 has stuck to his decision, joined the admitted class facebook group and told his teachers where he has decided to go. One teacher, also an alum of DHs alma mater and a very close family friend, asked if DH pressured him into the decision. DS2 replied, Well, 2 days before I was going to the other school.</p>
<p>DH and I have both told DS2 it really is his choice but he is resolute and does not articulate any reasons for the choice when asked. Am I just trying to invite misery by revisiting the decision or has this all just been mishandled?</p>
<p>From my perspective it seems the decision is made. Kids get to their decisions all different ways. If he’s told his friends and told his teacher then I think he’s made his decision and best to let it sit. I don’t think it’s been mishandled either. You and your husband were probably letting him make the decision and perhaps your son was waiting to hear what his dad thought.</p>
<p>Wow. I’m sorry, but I’d put this on the list of “what not to do” for parents of seniors. But, you’ve got the situation you’ve got. So – in the past, has DS2 been unhappy with choices your husband pushed him into? (I’m guessing that this wasn’t DHs first nudge.) If he’s been happy, then I’d probably leave the situation alone for now. If he’s been resentful or unhappy, I’d think about involving a few other folks – would your older son be helpful? A guidance counselor? </p>
<p>I hope that your husband thinks long and hard before putting his oar in the water on the next issue like this. </p>
<p>I say let yourself off the hook - after all - he was wavering between the 2 and it sounds like the alma mater has good things going for it. It’s not like you twisted his arm - although he may have felt some pressure! Frankly, he probably already knew that his father’s alma mater would be his father’s preference - right? He would probably do fine at either school - and since the deposit is not due until May 1 - who knows - he may yet change his mind again! But don’t beat yourself up - you did not have bad intentions.</p>
<p>let it go… If Son decides he doesn’t like the college, it will be a valuable lesson learned about whether to listen more to what his gut says. if he likes it, nothing is lost.</p>
<p>Peace…that’s how kids (and adults) end up deciding which one they really want. Sometimes you know for sure which one you really want by playing devil’s advocate.</p>
<p>But now? You’ve reminded him it’s HIS decision, and as times passes on and as he tells more and more friends and teachers, he knows which one he wants. Presumably, no one has doubted his choice, so he’s more convinced this is the one. </p>
<p>Peace, if you haven’t had a bout of door slamming and stomping around then I think your son is happy to have made a decision (either way) and probably relieved that in his mind he was “persuaded” by his dad even if it was the school he sorta kinda wanted to pick.</p>
<p>FWIW, when I was trying to decide between two schools, my guidance councilor told me to flip a coin, and see how my gut reaction was to the result. So it sounds like he’s not making a bad choice…</p>
<p>It might very well be that he felt like he “should” challenge himself by going to the other school (or “should” prefer the location, or whatnot), and was just waiting for the excuse to change his mind (either consciously or unconsciously).</p>
<p>D always knew where she wanted to go, and it’s very very good for her major. It’s also 2 hours away from home, so if she gets homesick, we’re here … but we also won’t pop in on her unexpectedly. When she started applying, my d only applied to that school and one other, which was solidly her safety. (frankly, both are safeties with her stats but her preferred school has way too many students applying so ya never know). H felt she should apply to one more school. He wanted a school that was 8 1/2 hours from home, quite excellent for her major … and one we knew that she’d do quite well in. Initially, she didn’t want to think of this new school, but H insisted on a visit because he does research up there and he could kill two birds with one stone having her do an honors visitation couple of days. She was impressed, and now she had a dilemma … two schools she could see herself at, and I think she felt her dad really wanted her to consider the new school. She got in and she got offered the potential of a lot of OOS merit aid through a scholarship program she’d made the first cut. D and H are totally pragmatic people (probably why he’s an engineer and she’s studying engineering). So, if D received a certain amount of aid in order to make it within reach of what we’d be paying for her “1st choice school,” then she’d probably go there because it had such a great engineering reputation. </p>
<p>But deep in my heart I knew she still wanted the 1st choice school; I knew she wasn’t ready to go that far away from her “safety net.” Thankfully, she didn’t get the amount of money we set as a threshold for consideration. I cannot tell you the relief I saw/heard in her when that happened. She was off the hook …</p>
<p>Perhaps – and you know your son better than anyone, probably – he feels the same way. Perhaps he’s been taken off the hook and can say, “ya know, I really felt dad wanted me to go here and I just didn’t care that much so…yada, yada.” </p>
<p>But whatever his reasons … don’t bang yourself up over it. As I am always telling my d, who eventually fessed up after her first semester at her original #1 choice that she really never wanted to go to the other school, WE ARE NOT MIND READERS. :)</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your responses! I appreciate your insights, experience, support and direction! You have brought clarity and made meaningful points. I am very grateful!</p>
<p>Maybe DH and I should have had a planned response for “the decision” like, “Congratulations, that’s GREAT, what led you to that choice?” Maybe some else has a much better response. We try to do the best we can and sometimes our best is just muddling though it and hopefully not totally failing!</p>
<p>My S had set a school (it is a good school & with his grades & stats, he was a very likely admit) as his safety but applied only half-heartedly at many of the other schools on his list (didin’t send in all the parts, essays, etc.) We’re not sure what was going thru his head, whether he was deliberately sabbotaguing himself or what. He ended up being accepted at his safety, with the merit package he expected and is now happily graduating from there. </p>
<p>He never explained much of his decision-making process and never explained why he was so sporadic about his apps (he’s usually a very thorough kid). Perhaps he just wasn’t all that interested in the other schools or just ran out of steam (HS senior year is pretty grueling with the emotions, apps, interviews, classes, APs, exams, hormones, etc.)</p>
<p>As parents, we all just do the best we can. We’re all mortals & humans; our kids are too and they tend to let us know when we’re making the choice they want to make tougher than it needs to be. Sometimes, we’re handy as a foil or a devil’s advocate. We need to cut ourselves some slack. </p>
<p>Sounds like your kid, like most kids on this forum, has good choices and has finally decided which of the good choices will work for him. Hurrah! Go & celebrate!</p>
<p>I would be concerned. Not concerned that my son was making some terrible mistake because it sounds like both colleges are a good fit but concerned about the message I was sending in the way it was handled. These are the specifics from your post that stood out to me;</p>
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<p>To remain neutral and to only weigh in once the decision has been made is simply an indirect way of saying, “You made the wrong decision.” It was unfair of your DH to greet the news that way and it sounds like he realizes that now. </p>
<p>Personally, one of the best things about co-parenting is when my spouse is able to help me see the difference between what I said/did and what my child heard/saw. </p>
<p>I would encourage my spouse to sit down privately with our child and ask for a do-over. Explain the parental worries that led him to handle the process/news the way he did and apologize for it. Then convey his trust that his son can make the right decision, that he doesn’t need to go to the “safer” choice and that whatever choice he makes, you’ll both support it 100%. Set up a time in a few days with a fun activity (ice cream? Sparkling apple cider?) and ban talk about the issue until then. Then sit down at the appointed time and let your son tell you both his true decision. Whatever it is, celebrate! </p>
<p>In addition to boosting your son’s confidence, it will will help transfer ownership of the decision over to your son and that’ so important.</p>
<p>We recently read “Stone of Destiny” and then saw the movie based on the book. On Christmas Eve, 1950 four young Scottish university students broke into Westmister Abbey and stole (or retrieved) the Scottish Stone of Destiny which had been taken from Scotland in 1296. It roused all of Scotland. </p>
<p>The kids were proud of their action, even though it could have meant 20 years in jail. Going to jail did not terrify them – but telling their fathers that they had 1) lied about where they were over the holidays and 2) lied about where the family car had been caused at least two of the students great fear. They did not want to disappoint their Dads. </p>
<p>I think you should rent the movie from Netflix, have a fine night of movie watching together and, as another poster suggested, have a “do-over” – simply because DH may not have weighed the power of his words – at the very least, DH should give a green light to a transfer if the first year isn’t great.</p>
<p>OP - It sounds like your son has two good choices, both within your familiy’s financial comfort zone. Consider that a blessing. Monitor your son for more signs of wavering… if none then he has his answer.</p>
<p>In discussing schools with my S, I could tell that my input was very important to him. It helped him validate his feelings about his choices.</p>
<p>I didn’t push a particular school at him. I encouraged him to check out his safeties a bit more, but he really wasn’t interested in doing so. But when I gave him positive feedback about the school he ended up choosing, he became that much more enthusiastic about it.</p>
<p>Maybe the OP’s S didn’t feel strongly one way or the other, and the parent input helped him to make that decision. I don’t think a student’s choice needs to be made devoid of parental advice. Preferably this would have been before the initial ‘decision’, but it doesn’t sound like his arm was twisted. Some kids need more parental guidance than others at this stage.</p>
<p>I completely agree. In fact, our son knew each our “wishes” and made a third choice! My concern stems from the lack of imput pre-decision and then a decision met not with strong approval but new information that did not back the child’s decision. </p>
<p>We all waver in making big decisions and the feedback in those moments is important. When PMKjr first tried to sit us down and tell us which schools he was was declining, my husband’s first choice was on that list. The three of us wound up a bit weepy (it was the only school within driving distance) and my husband asked for a few more days to process the idea that the school was going away. He made his support for the decision clear, but just asked for a bit more time to process his own feelings so he could provide full support to PMKjr. And that’s what we did. Clearly, “do-overs” work in our family and I know all families are different. Just sharing a hiccup in the process that worked out okay for us.</p>
<p>I feel like we’re learning how to be adult parents and adult child in the world together through this process. It’s certainly not as a straight forward or simple as I had anticipated (when will I learn that life rarely is!)</p>
<p>Agreed. I think it is fine for parents to (respectfully) share their thoughts with kids about their options but it should be before the kid has made a decision. Same category as “speak now or forever hold your peace”.</p>
<p>Now it is done, and I’m not sure a ‘do-over’ is truly possible. But at least I would ask DH to apologize to DS and let him know that if he changes his mind again it will not be the end of the world.</p>
<p>I really dislike it when people keep quiet about their preferences even when asked, and/or stay passive and neutral until after a decision is made, after which point they have a complaint or detracting comment or claim they never would have chosen such and such. I mean no offense to the OP’s husband, truly and honestly, because my husband does the same thing and I still love him. But I really, really detest this behavior because to me it seems cowardly (avoiding bearing any responsibiilty for the decision) and selfish (wanting control or a say withouth earning it).</p>
<p>BUT, since the OP’s son didn’t seem to mind what his father did, and isn’t getting all ticked off like I would have, then my sense is that his father gave him permission to make the choice he truly wanted to make, but for some reason was reluctant to make. Therefore, since he isn’t aggravated, or angry, or hurt, or whatever, just let it go. It worked out fine.</p>