I am aware of at least one college that just recently built multiple dorms with 2 person rooms (no suites). In the vast majority of cases, I think it works fine. No doubt there are honor stories about roommates (though often times that is with roommates who selected each other). A complicating factor though (noted above and one I would think colleges are dealing with/addressing) is the reality that fewer kids share rooms anymore growing up (and an increasing number of them never share a bathroom).
To a degree, I think the skills you learn sharing a room are even more important now because so many kids never do that before college. You learn to compromise and adjust. See things from another perspective. Those are skills that will be valuable going forward.
I lived in a 2 room dorm with 4 kids in it. Four beds in one room and 4 desks in the other. Though I shared bedrooms and a bathroom growing up. I never had a problem finding time alone. We all had different schedules and different friends (along with some mutual). There were study lounges/lounge areas. Places to go sit on campus.
In terms of sneaking around in parents’ or SO’s parents’ houses, there are multiple rooms available. You could use your bedroom. The basement. Living room if parents were in family room. And number of people you were trying to avoid was pretty small. For kids in a dorm, if your room is off the table, what other rooms do you have access to? And there are a lot of kids in dorms.
From what I have seen, seems like the OP is the only one compromising. On pretty much anything. Though we are only hearing things from OP’s side.
@bhs1978 Your story, though titillating in its extreme, is far from what is proposed here. Of course, if things got to that level, it would be a huge issue. Not what OP is proposing.
There are ways to signal with ways other than a sock on the door knob. Perhaps an agreed upon symbol on the corner of the message board or such that is discrete to others. It’s not so much a “you are banished from the room” but more a “knock or text before entering if you don’t want to risk an eyeful” kind of thing. Seems pretty private to me and not much of an imposition. Nor in your face. If it becomes an everyday occurrence, then yes, the roommate would have grounds for being upset. Otherwise, it’s just another accommodation one makes when sharing tight living quarters with another person.
Folks here do know that many, many, may college students have sex in dorm rooms, right? And it’s not a recent phenomenon. It’s not some extreme behavior.
“Your story, though titillating in its extreme, is far from what is proposed here”
@doschicos Of course I don’t think that having sex in the dorm is “some extreme behavior”. However my story is also in no way extreme. I went to college too you know. And I know just as many people who were sexiled as there were people having sex. And I know the stories of those it’s happening to right now through my two college aged children so don’t try to tell me it’s extreme to be sexiled or extreme to have some stranger invading your personal property.
And I agree this is not what the OP was proposing. What I said was my friend and her roommate came to the EXACT same agreement that everyone here is proposing. But more times than not I’ve seen that agreement get stretched to the give an inch take a mile scenario. The signal does in fact say “don’t come into your own space”. Sure I can knock and walk in but that’s just uncomfortable for everyone. It all causes hard feelings.
Also boyfriends is one thing but one night stands and random partners also infringes on security.
You keep offering a null set and then act like you are giving something up. You appear to be viewing you can never have sex in the room as being a compromised position over you cannot have sex in the room. Classes can get canceled any time. So any time the roommate is out of the room at class is not an option. Plans can always change so any other time a roommate is out of the office is not an option. At that point, there is nothing left.
If a morning class gets canceled or morning plans otherwise change, maybe the OP is sleeping in. Wouldn’t the considerate thing be to check with the roommate before coming back to the room (aside from the bf)? Its so easy to do now with technology. Seems to me the entire sock on the door is such low tech that I wouldn’t expect many kids to be using it anymore. Same is true with a message board on the door.
Calling/texting if plans change is the compromise. What the roommate gets out of that is an expectation that she won’t walk in on anything. If that is breached it becomes an issue but unless and until that happens it should work. But the notion that a roommate may take advantage of an arrangement shouldn’t be a reason to avoid the arrangement as that is true with any agreements roommates make so why make any of them.
Bringing a different guy back on the regular is a little extreme and outside the purview of what is normal for a college roommate to deal with. Why extrapolate from that to what the OP is suggesting here? I don’t think that is fair to the OP to move it into that kind of discourse. That’s all I’m saying. I have no doubt that if that situation developed, every poster here would be advocating for something different.
"But more times than not I’ve seen that agreement get stretched to the give an inch take a mile scenario. "
That hasn’t been my own experience or the experience of folks I know at all.
That said, if the two roommates want to make certain parameters part of the discussion - no one night stands, nobody on my bed, etc. - that sounds like a swell idea.
I just don’t think using out of bounds, what-if scenarios should be used as an excuse for limiting a student’s use of their dorm room during times when the roommate isn’t present. Imagine if all decisions were made based on the extreme what-ifs that could occur.
We have no reason to believe OP would be inconsiderate and push the boundaries. Her willingness to discuss things ahead of time instead of making assumptions and taking free liberties speaks, IMO, to her consideration.
I gave a story of a stretched agreement and reiterated that it happens often in my own experience and in the experiences of my children.
Never once did I say don’t make the agreement. I’ve also tried to get across the point that I understand both sides of this issue.
The OP seems very reasonable and thoughtful on this thread but, as said before, we don’t know the other side of the story.
My only point in posting my story was the hope that if the OP makes the agreement and sees my story it will make her conscious of not taking advantage. That’s all.
This is why I think OP needs to find a better RM match. I don’t think there is a compromise here. And they both should be able to be comfortable with any compromise.
Sailla, not the first time you’ve responded to me and I’ve had the What? reaction.
This started about a rm who does have objections. Should she need to deal with OP’s sex life, text, and ask if the coast is clear? If her value system is contra, does she need to go looking for evidence sex is underway, (sock or whatever,) in order to return to her room?
Some seem to say yes. That if the roomie is sensitive to sexual activity, she can avoid it by facing it. Huh?
This isn’t about ordinary,“Sure, just do put up the sock, so I know.” This rm doesn’t want to know.
OP can figure this out.
(Plus, if the roommate is sleeping in, you’d suggest the other wake her up with a call or text, to check, rather than coming in quietly? That would be annoying, to me.)
@lookingforward My responses to you have either quoted what you said or were immediately after one of your posts. All I can do is go with what you type here. No doubt its a limit to this type of communication. I can only respond to what you type.
What does the FWB do? Is he a student? Does he have a job? Not that those things matter directly, but the associated schedule probably does. Most students probably aren’t going to be able to drive a couple of hrs during the middle of the weekday for a visit during a limited time window. Depending on the job, maybe. Is the weekend going to be the likely time for connecting with each other? If so, that seems to directly conflict with the roommate’s rights to be in their room when not in class. Just something to consider.
Fwiw, my kids have shared their bedroom and bathroom with multiple siblings their entire lives. Doesn’t change the fact that a couple of my kids would be just as uncomfortable as the described roommate. It is just who they are. (Requested private rooms in order to avoid the described scenario, not bc they don’t know how to be a roommate.)
@CarriesBakers , right now, you don’t know each other, so it’s easy to just frame each other as issues instead of people. But once you’re actually living in the same space, the human element will come into play.
I doubt things have changed much since I was in school, but my first year roommate had a local boyfriend. I didn’t want to be kicked out of my room either, but I did get that she wanted alone time with her friend, so I gave her my schedule and told her to take advantage of the times when I was out of the room. He did sleep over (on an air mattress on the floor) once or twice when he’d been partying too much to go home, and I didn’t like this, but I was never sexiled.
I think compromise is possible, but you should never expect your roommate to sleep anywhere but your room, and you shouldn’t expect her to have to put up with a guy sleeping over. It’s just really awkward.
One thing you can do is make friends with a guy in your dorm, and ask if he’d mind hosting your friend as a guest on an air mattress for those nights when he stays over. You can find some other time to have sex.
^^ That last sentence. Except for a few very, very rare cases that I can’t entirely imagine but include because I’m sure they exist, 100% of a long-term relationship’s time (including long-distance FWB relationships) is not going to be spent having sex. Yeah, that’s been the focus of this thread, but I’d wager that well better than half the waking time the OP spends with the guy isn’t going to be sexual. Figuring out how to best allocate the sexual and non-sexual parts of their time spent together would be a big part of helping defuse the whole situation with the roommate, I’d think.
@veruca as others have said, it’s pretty much common in the US to have to share a room in college. You can file for a single if youre lucky, but it costs more than if you were to share. some colleges don’t allow first-years to have non-double dorm rooms. i came in knowing this. My roommate had a choice (we could say we prefered a certain room style) and so did i. it just so happened that i got the short end of the stick.
I will say this- I’m an avid Tinder user. And most of the people on my campus are as well. More than likely I will have one night stands, but I’ll probably explain my roommate situation and spend the time at their dorm, or, if they’re more seasoned about campus than I, another place they know where we wouldn’t get found. I prefer not to do the latter.
this thread is not only about my FWB. it’s about any boy (or girl) I plan to bring into the dorm for sexual relations. Now that I have a better idea of what my roommate is looking for (which is none of it), i have to access this further than just that one boy.
@lookingforward this reply is a little late, but she and I don’t share any sort of furniture like that, Our rooms have separate closets, dressers, and desks. The only thing we share in the room is a fridge and a sink.
My roommate has obviously never had to share a space with another person before. It’s apparent in the way she keeps her room, and the way her stuff ends up on my side of the room regardless. This can also extend to the sex problem as well. She has no idea how to handle it, and I have no idea how to bring it up.
things like locking the door when we’re gone and not leaving your yogurt cups out on the sink- one more hazardous than the other in the grand scheme of things- are some examples of her mishousekeeping of the room. I worry that her not locking the door will lead to some stuff getting stolen, since they can make a quick getaway with the stairs right in front of us and all.
I basically am doing all of the compromising, because i let her walk over me. i haven’t said anything about the slow crawl of her stuff from her side of the sink to mine. Or how she likes the lights on in the daytime (and leaves them on when she leaves0. how she doesn’t lock the door. How i keep waking her up.
On Mondays, she only has one class. it’s at 1pm. My first class (i have it all week) is at 10am. I am anxious to see how she will react when I’m waking her up at 7 or 8am each morning.
Earlier in the thread you said that the earliest you can get a room change is November, and it has to be signed/approved by both roommates. I don’t think that’ll be an issue, since you are clearly incompatible in a number of ways, and the roommate is not comfortable with the situation either. 3 months without having boys or sex in the room won’t kill you. Tough it out until November and then ask for the room change.
@Mom2aphysicsgeek He is a student at a (somewhat) close community college and has a job as well. so his schedule is almost as hectic as mine. I also have a job, work study on campus. the weekend is going to be tricky since she won’t be going home too often, but I’ve already scheduled my friend to visit when she’s going to be gone for her doctor’s appointment in september. thank you for the advice.
@Massmomm I brought a sleeping bag and have a rug on the floor just for sleeping over. That’s for anyone who wants or needs to come in and rest. No one would be sleeping in her bed, as i would like her to extend the same idea to me. someone else has offered the advice to have someone house him for the night. he has a friend that also goes to my school (i have not met him) he could stay with, but we would have to speak more about it. but friending or even asking a friend, to hold your man for the night seems awkward to me. I think i would take it as a last resort.
OP, no you don’t share furniture. By, “After bed, dresser, closet you’re sharing the whole,” I meant “other than.”
You need to speak with her about her things creeping, cleanliness, locking the door, etc. Ironic you can state your interest in sex in the dorm room and Tinder sex hookups, but not, say, locking the door. Bold in one way, timid in another?
You’re smart, it comes through in how you write. But there’s still much to learn, including about interpersonal relationships. Both kinds that apply through this thread.
Maybe one day (week) at a time is what’s called for right now, not cart before the horse. Insist she lock the door, etc. Deal with classes starting. After that, the opportunities for physical intimacy.
OP. You started off with FWB. Now you are planning avid tinder hookups and one night stands. Completely different in my opinion.
Bringing in someone you know and trust is one thing.
I hope you are sincere when you say that you won’t bring hookups and one night stands into your shared space. That’s completely inconsiderate regardless of what you think of your room mates views and increases the danger levels for both of you both in terms of physical well.being and in terms of protecting all property in your room, yours and hers.