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<p>Agree with Northstarmom , Johnson181, and mathsciencedude. The roommate should have a right to feel safe and comfortable in her own room.</p>
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<p>Agree with Northstarmom absolutely.</p>
<p>I am still stuck on the fact that the OP’s boyfriend has an engineering job and he did’nt suggest getting a nice hotel room for the two of them. Sorry OP but at this age that is just unacceptable behavior for a man with a job.</p>
<p>caseyfromorlando posted: "This is the boyfriend. Shoot any questions you may have my way. "</p>
<p>Casey, you’re a grown man with a good job. Why aren’t you willing to spring for a hotel room so you and your longtime girlfriend can have privacy when you visit her? Why do you want your girlfriend and you to sleep presumably in a single bed in a small room with a shy, woman stranger who doesn’t want to have to share space with you?</p>
<p>Why would you put you and your girlfriend in a situation in which you could not have physical or emotional intimacy without being overheard or seen by a third party?</p>
<p>Are you going to NYC because you care about the OP and want to see her or are you just using her for a cheap place to flop while you visit NYC?</p>
<p>The boyfriend is a man with a job and simply put he should want to spend his time with his girlfriend in privacy. Why would anyone think it is OK for a man to make any woman feel uncomfortable. The situation calls for a man to be a man and understand that he should not have even pursued this issue with his girlfriend. As soon as he was told that the roommate was uncomfortable he should have made other arrangements. </p>
<p>OP your boyfriend has a job and he is cheaping out…be forewarned.</p>
<p>"OP your boyfriend has a job and he is cheaping out…be forewarned. "</p>
<p>He’s also selfish, controlling, and inconsiderate. It boggles my mind how any man would think it’s OK to impose on a shy, virgin, strange woman who has said she’d be uncomfortable with his presence overnight in a studio apartment. Expecting her to just suck it up is crass and selfish. </p>
<p>How a romantic partner treats those of least importance in their life is how they’ll eventually treat you.</p>
<p>First, visitation rules should be agreed upon before becoming roommates. Period. I don’t know why so many young people duck this conversation. I have a feeling young people today are terrified of conflict, so they avoid it until it can’t be avoided. Then they have a problem. Not smart.</p>
<p>If it’s not convenient for the roommate to “disappear” during the visit - perhaps with a little cash assistance from you - then the boyfriend should get a hotel room.</p>
<p>“How a romantic partner treats those of least importance in their life is how they’ll eventually treat you.”</p>
<p>There are no truer words than those, Northstarmom.</p>
<p>Seriously, a full-grown man with an excellent job is unwilling to get a hotel room for himself and his long-time girlfriend, instead wants to impose his presence overnight in the same room with a woman who has clearly stated that she is uncomfortable? And the OP thinks that’s okay? Wow.</p>
<p>OP and boyfriend, hop on the train and stay in a modest place in Queens or LI or New Jersey or Connecticut… OP, is this a serious relationship? What will you do when said BF doesn’t have the money for unexpected medical bills, needs for a child, or the deductible for his car insurance? BF, you really can’t budget enough for a modest hotel room–should be under $500 for the 3 nights? You have NO IDEA how to properly budget if that is the case. Stay home. Or man up and figure it out.</p>
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A cheap place to flop with “benefits”!</p>
<p>The OP wrote:</p>
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Oh? From what you’ve posted elsewhere, it’s been less than 10 months.</p>
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<p>“Engineering” is a term thrown around by a lot of people. I was assuming that you meant a licensed engineer. Yet Casey has publicly posted that he is a “technician.” Hmmm…</p>
<p>OP has been back to read the replies, at least thru last evening.</p>
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<p>I believe its time for OP to answer CTTCs question. IF OP painted her roommate with mental disorder stuff (without any evidence) simply because of the roommates refusal to have her bf sleeping in her bedroom, then the OP has to stop what she is doing. OP & her bf are indeed very immature and selfish. Stop blaming the roommate and get your own “single” room with paying full price, instead of having a studio room.</p>
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<p>To the OP:</p>
<p>I don’t know – I feel like you are just looking for confirmation to justify what you’re (likely) going to do regardless of the roommate’s wishes. You asked the roommate and she said no, so you went to the RA and now CC in order to get different answers. </p>
<p>You don’t really respect the roommate, especially considering the quotes above that show how you and your boyfriend view her (unreasonable, naive, sheltered, outdated, mentally off, etc).</p>
<p>Furthermore, you’re taking the words of the RA out of context. Overnight guests are indeed allowed, but roommates have the ability to typically “override” the stay of such guests if they desire (i.e. guests are OK to stay unless a roommate complains with a valid reason, typically regarding religion/culture, safety, other costs, etc). </p>
<p>So, I mean, the answer’s really already been given. Your roommate doesn’t want to sleep in the same room as you + your boyfriend. Even curtains don’t block noise, obviously. There’s really no privacy for anyone involved. Trying to imply that she’s an unreasonable, naive person because she doesn’t want to forego her privacy to save you guys some convenience/money is, in my opinion, not something a mature adult would do. </p>
<p>There are plenty of cheap alternatives. You don’t need a car to get around NYC (IMO having a car in NYC is more of a liability – it’s not a whole lot faster compared to the costs, and finding parking is often tedious), and there are plenty of places to stay that won’t cost much (plenty of examples have already been given in this thread).</p>
<p>I am obviously from the older generation. I am not a prude. I came of age in the early 70s, and we were the ones who demanded the sexual freedoms you all take for granted today (sex, drugs, and rock and roll!!) I enjoyed myself, though I was more sensible than many of my peers, which is why I am still alive and leading a ‘normal’ life.</p>
<p>I have to say that I think making someone be bystander to you sleeping with your BF is just down right icky. I am actually amazed that so many of your peers feel people should just get over the whole privacy issue. I think it is pretty sad.</p>
<p>I find this whole idea of ‘rights’ rather tedious. I think so many people feel that rights are what applies to them, and would stand up and scream if other people were exercising their own rights, if they were offended or impacted by those rights. You do not have to exercise all your rights. </p>
<p>Yes, you obviously have the right, but as considerate people we often chose not do these things, but consideration and kindness are more important.</p>
<p>You mentioned that your roommate is a virgin like as if that is so unimaginable. There are both females and males who do remain chaste before marraige and that should have been your indication that your boyfriend was not welcomed to spend the night. I don’t even know why you would have asked her.</p>
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<p>Typically I agree with this but not in the case.</p>
<p>The roommate chose a housing option that explicitly states that either roommate can have a guest stay the night for a set amount of time. This is why everyone signs the same contract, so that the ground rules are clear. If the roommate was not okay with this, then she should have found different housing.</p>
<p>This woman is paying $1400 a month for half of a studio apartment. The roommate will be gone for four of the seven days. I’m going to assume that the roommate is mature enough to not have sex when the roommate is present and that her boyfriend will wear a robe, etc.</p>
<p>If the roommate is uncomfortable, she should find another place to stay. This is her problem and I just do not agree that the OP should forgo a housing benefit that she is paying dearly for.</p>
<p>Wow, Pug, you saw the contract? because I went back and read this thread and I do not see that she signed a lease saying this. I did see that there seems to be some informal guidelines, that might or might not have been known at the time. And this is NYC. staying in a dorm is probably your only option, so unless there are dorms specifically for people who do not want overnight guests…</p>
<p>It does not matter whose problem this is, really. Maybe the OP is being offensive. Maybe the roomie is being overly sensitive. But, the OP asked opinions. Maybe she wanted to hear from more people like you. She asked. And there are quite a lot of people who are giving voice to the roommate. Hopefully the OP asked, so she could get some idea how the shy roomie is feeling, and maybe she will adjust her behavior accordingly. Otherwise what the heck was the point of this thread?</p>
<p>The OP asked if she was being rude or the roommate was weird. Since that’s the question, answers to that are the point of the thread. My response is, basically, it doesn’t matter. There is a housing policy in place that answers the overnight question. </p>
<p>Of course I did not see the contract but NYU is not a fly-by-night diploma mill, I’m just assuming they use contracts with housing and that the policies are not released in a “Suprise!” memo once everyone is settled in. </p>
<p>The roommate could have paid for a single, that was my point. She could have found women’s only housing. She could also stay with a friend for these nights. </p>
<p>It’s fine that so many people here disagree with me. If my kid were going to graduate school, paying $1400 a month to live in a dorm that allows overnight guests, wanted his boyfriend to come visit for one week and his roommate balked, I’d tell him to tell the roommate he’s sorry he’s uncomfortable, but these are the policies. I’d also tell my son to be very considerate of his roommates feelings in terms of modesty and the like. </p>
<p>However, in my opinion, good manners do not dictate forgoing a stated housing benefit and taking on several hundred dollars worth of hotel bills.</p>
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<p>I think you’re applying the right kind of logic, but in the wrong direction. Yes, they’re both paying $1400 for shared space, but it’s up to the roommates to set the ground rules for these kinds of situations. </p>
<p>The logic is not “The roommate knew what she was getting into, so you should be OK with guests,” but rather “The OP should have known what she was getting into, and should have chosen a different roommate if said roommate was going to be this uncomfortable with overnight guests.” In terms of rights, ultimately the roommate has the right to keep the boyfriend from staying over if she so decided. If the OP didn’t want this right to be exercised, she should have discussed it with the roommate up-front when they moved in. When I room with people, we go over all the ground rules regarding guests, sex, noise, food, privacy, bathroom usage, etc --from the getgo. This way there’s no confusion or ambiguity. </p>
<p>Typically the onus is on the person imposing directly on the other – NOT the other way around. You need to keep in mind that BOTH the OP and roommate are paying for the shared space. Typically, when it comes to general housing rights, a given action is considered OK as long as there’s a sort of mutual consent or lack of complaint (and assuming that it follows the standard housing rules set by the landlord/school/housing service). If you find that there would be potential complaints or lack of consent regarding something important to you up front, then you find a new roommate that is more compatible with your lifestyle if you don’t want to budge on that particular difference.</p>
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<p>How in the world could the OP know what she was getting into unless they knew each other before hand? Was it really the job of the OP to go line by line over the policies of the housing with her future roommate to find out which things the roommate had no intention of letting the OP exercise?</p>
<p>There is no deviation here. The policy allows overnight guests. The OP’s roommate wishes that were not the case but it is the case. As I said before, it does not matter who is rude, crazy, a virgin or, for goodness sake, a vampire. There is a policy in place. That’s why there are policies, for when roommates cannot agree. Otherwise, there would be no need for policies! </p>
<p>Has no one in this thread been a broke graduate student in a big city? Could everyone afford a hotel for a week or even three days? </p>
<p>I really wonder what the response would have been if the OP had read, “I share a studio with a woman in the NYU dorms whose boyfriend is coming from Florida for Thanksgiving. We each pay $1400 a month and the policy is that we can each have overnight guests for no longer than X days. My roommate wants her boyfriend to come for seven nights, four of which I’ll be gone but I think they should pay for a hotel for the three nights I will be here. Unreasonable or not?”</p>
<p>Edited to add: If my son were the roommate, I’d tell him, “I’m sorry but for $1400 a month you cannot ask your roommate to give up something they have a right to under the policies of your housing agreement. It would have been great if you could have reached a compromise but you’re both bound by that agreement, for both your protection and, in this case, so that your housing benefits are clear in case of a disagreement.”</p>
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<p>By discussing things during the move-in process. And no, it’s not so much a “let’s sit down and go over our rights line-by-line” – it’s more of a “let’s set the ground rules for a wide range of categories so that we minimize conflict.” Like I said in my earlier post, it’s always a good idea to set ground rules ahead of time to get a general framework for your lifestyles. That way you get everyone’s attitudes about noise levels, sexual activities/guests, work schedules, friend visits, bathroom/laundry usages, how common spaces/cleaning should be handled, how food/cooking will be handled, and so forth. It’s basically a short list of things everyone can discuss and reach consensus on in a short period of time before anything comes up down the line. That way you give everyone enough notice to find new roommates if there’s some dealbreaker present, and you avoid issues down the line such as these.</p>
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<p>I have since edited the post, but by “deviation” I meant that the “onus is on the person imposing directly on the other.” In this case, the OP is bringing a boyfriend (and therefore the onus/responsibility is on her). The policy allows overnight guests (just as it allows a variety of other rights), but guests can be refused if there’s dissent. Usually you discuss the cases up-front where there may be dissent later.</p>
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<p>Believe me – I’d know better than anyone! I currently live in NYC and pay steep rent with three other roommates. I know what it’s like to be poor – but even so, I wouldn’t dare impose on someone against their consent even if it saved me money.</p>
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<p>To that post, I think you’d find plenty of people saying it’s reasonable for the same reasons given in this thread thus far.</p>