<p>The RM should be glad that I’m not the OP’s daughter. I’d tell the princess that she needs to get off her royal butt and help clean the throne.</p>
<p>I was a peace-keeper when I was that age … it would have been a tough situation for me. Today, however, it would be a very different story. That RM would NOT want to mess with the adult me!! 
I agree that she needs to nip this situation in the bud. Hopefully, the RA is the kind who cares (my kids have had some who are only RA’s to get the free room).</p>
<p>I realized that I should have been posting on this thread rather than on the College Life thread–but OP, you’re getting pretty similar advice in both places.</p>
<p>Here is a long list of article on how to deal with difficult college roommates. There is likely a reason there are so many articles on this. It probably happens more often than we want to think [how</a> to deal with difficult college roommates - Bing](<a href=“how to deal with difficult college roommates]how - Search”>how to deal with difficult college roommates - Search)</p>
<p>I hate that your daughter isn’t the type to be able to take barron’s advice and just let rip with a bunch of expletives and demands of her own. At this point, however, she just needs to get the RA involved. the sooner the better. </p>
<p>Also, you will need to kind of tiptoe back out of it, to some extent, for your own sake.</p>
<p>Good luck</p>
<p>I also agree it’s time for your daughter to go to the RA … being considerate is one thing but this has progressed way past that.</p>
<p>as far as the toilet, if princess roommate doesn’t want to get all down and dirty SHE can buy one of those new automatic toilet cleaning systems. Doesn’t address her controlling nature but could help solve the actual issue of having a clean toilet.</p>
<p>I’m butting in to tell you you should be butting in… A previous poster said your daughter is out of her league with this control freak, and I agree. First the toilet, then the visitor restrictions, what next? If your daughter can’t do exactly what Parentofpeople said in #132, she really should go to the RA for help.</p>
<p>You don’t want to butt in, and you want to let the girls handle it. Well, ONE of the girls is handling it just fine. When your daughter has to turn off her light at 10:30 pm, will that be enough? When she has to go outside the room for phone calls?</p>
<p>*I hope that the RA sits on RM’s bed during the negotiation. LOL! *</p>
<p>this needs to go into that “best lines on CC” thread.</p>
<p>^^Thank you! I just could not resist!</p>
<p>
I know it’s semantics but you and your D need to avoid using phrases like this because it’s not true - your D is ‘allowed’ to do whatever the housing program permits her to do. Your D’s roomie doesn’t have this level of control over your D unless your D accepts it.</p>
<p>This is a time when many kids are finding that, like it or not, they need to get more assertive or they’ll be trampled (or forever the doormat as Barrons said) by multitudes of others willing to dominate them. Mom and Dad are no longer hovering over them taking care of all their issues. Most people aren’t crazy about confrontation but we eventually learn that we sometimes have to face it so we don’t get taken advantage of. </p>
<p>Regarding the roomies friends sitting on your D’s bed - good! It gives your D a chance to demonstrate to the roomie how this isn’t any kind of a problem. </p>
<p>Your D really should assert herself with the roomie first - ideally before raising this to the RA. Now she can even start with, “Hi roomie, I just wanted to let you know I don’t have a problem with your friends sitting on my bed since there’s nowhere else to sit in the room and it’s the only practical way the room can be used so hopefully there’s no issue with my friends sometimes sitting on your bed also as long as they’re clean and neat and respectful about it.” And then if the roomie decides it should be a one way thing only, like the toilet cleaning, your D will need to put her foot down. IMO it’d go down better with the roomie when she’s dealt with directly by your D rather than draggging an RA into it which will make the roomie get defensive and perhaps bitter that your D ‘told on her’ and got others involved in what should be a simple dispute.</p>
<p>ucsd dad, did you read the whole thread? I know it is long. Her D has talked to the RM, and not gotten far. And her D could really use someone to model appropriate confrontation/discussion for her, which is why the RA is the most appropriate. If done correctly, bringing in the RA will really help, and help her D grow and be more confident with confronting in the future.
Her d does not sound like she should be thrown to the water to sink or swim, may be very counter productive in her case.</p>
<p>I will strongly suggest to my D that she get the RA involved at this point. I’m not sure that she has the necessary assertiveness required to deal with this problem. Heck, just 9 months ago, she and her therapist were working on basic social skills such as making eye contact, smiling at people, speaking to people at lunch time, and so forth. She has made AMAZING progress since then. Her transformation is astounding. Her therapist said was not afraid to tackle her social anxiety problems. I just don’t want to see people take advantage of her. No parent wants that for their child.</p>
<p>umd, I don’t think this is a normal case of “let them figure it out.” </p>
<p>Your daughter is at a serious disadvantage here. I would go so far as to assert that, since she is still working on the recently diagnosed social anxiety problem, she is somewhat disabled. As such, she can use an advocate right now, or at least a strong advisor. </p>
<p>It is, apparently, too soon in her recovery to expect that she has the instincts or the skills to stand up for herself against this manipulative bully without a great deal of support.</p>
<p>She is out of her league.</p>
<p>vlines -
Yes, I’ve read the whole thread but it doesn’t change my opinion. But of course, none of us are there and none of us except the OP know’s the D so it’s only input provided in that context and other issues like an out of the norm anxiety issue can be a factor. </p>
<p>The bottom line is that the OP’s D is really in the power position on this since the roomie can’t stop her when the roomie’s not there. The OP’s D can simply not agree to these terms the roomie is trying to push. If the roomie doesn’t like it then the roomie can go talk to the RA. All it requires is for the D to not consent to whatever the roomie tells her in this area. It doesn’t require an argument, much discussion, or even a trip by the OP’s D to the RA initially.</p>
<p>Ditto to #155… Assert yourself…put your footprint in your space…SO HARD for some people…it shouldn’t be and after the first time asserting themselves it is SO much easier thereafter… and always soul inspiring!
Standing up for yourself in little ways will always translate into big ways later on.</p>
<p>Here’s an alternative suggestion to think about: don’t negotiate, don’t talk to the RA. Just ignore the restrictions. Have friends over (maybe keep them off the roomie’s bed, but I wouldn’t). If the roomie complains, just say, “I didn’t think you were serious.” Then let her complain to the RA.</p>
<p>I like Hunt’s approach. The RM can’t force the OP’s daughter to do anything when she isn’t even there. While it’s okay if the daughter doesn’t mind cleaning toilets, I do think she should have said something like, “I don’t mind doing the toilet, what are you going to do in return?”</p>
<p>Let me amend that to, “I didn’t think you were serious, since you had visitors when I wasn’t here and let them sit on my bed.”</p>
<p>I like Hunts approach if it was me dealing with this too. BUT, we are talking about a student that is really just learning how to deal with positive social interactions. Asking her to be creative/manipulative dealing with a more complex negative social interaction is asking a lot of her, in my opinion. </p>
<p>I still think that requesting assistance in this particular instance is the best bet for a positive outcome. Hopefully, the RA will help deal with this head on and up front. I could be wrong, but that is what I think may be best.</p>