<p>Thats a god idea-- to politely ignore. If that doesn’t work, a gentle “we are going to have to talk about this-- this isnt going to work for me” type approach may help. As others have said, your dau has equal right to equal access to her living space. Roommates do have to work all these issues out fairly together. One does not get to dictate the rules to the other. If it becomes untenable, maybe looking for a room change is worth considering. Has she spoken to the RA yet?</p>
<p>ditto Hunt.</p>
<p>Be very sweet. Be very calm. Make it the roommate’s problem to seek outside intervention.</p>
<p>I like hunt’s approach, depending on the girl’s tolerance for unsettled living arrangements. A lot of time, when a girl is just learning to be assertive and is the type of “pleaser” to just do the toilets all year to avoid conflict, even unspoken conflict can be very tough to handle. </p>
<p>Not saying it’s right, just saying “it is.”</p>
<p>So, since your daughter has brought it up to you again, have you suggested she speak to her therapist at home by phone? It might be easier for her to make an action plan with the help of someone not her mother. Just a suggestion, if things haven’t moved to a more positive plane, yet.</p>
<p>Totally agree, Poetgirl. If OP’s daughter continues to confide in her about the situation, she is seeking her opinion. FWIW, if this was my daughter, I would advise her to speak with the therapist by phone, as suggested. The therapist is an outsider, who has no stake in this situation, unlike OP, who is emotionally invested in her daughter’s well-being. Perhaps an outsider could get OP’s daughter to realize she needs to speak up and make sure her own needs are addressed, as well as roommates.
It seems as if roommate has picked up on the fact that OP’s daughter doesn’t want to make waves, and is using this to get what she wants, however unreasonable it may seem. I’d clean that toilet one week and tell roomie it’s her turn next week. If roomie refuses, I’d let it go till she did it. If roomie is truly a germophobe and not just lazy, it won’t be long before she can’t stand it anymore and takes some action. Lol Maybe she’ll call her parents and have them come and do it! I have to wonder, however, if the germophobe thing is really what’s going on here. If roomie is so germ conscious that OP’s daughter can’t sit on her bed, why is it ok for others to do it… they must be as germ-laden as the rest of the campus. Sounds more to me like a spoiled brat who wants her way and figured she could get it by bullying OP’s less confrontational daughter.</p>
<p>If the student is seeing a therapist for these issues, this sounds like exactly the type of issue you are paying the therapist for – how to teach D to be assertive in these kinds of situations. The therapist will be more neutral than you (not saying that you’re not - but it’s your daughter, who obviously you love passionately) and can work through what approach your daughter feels she can handle and how to react if the roommate says something back / escalates / yells at her / whatever.</p>
<p>I also agree with poetgrl and wasn’t taking into account this is a student already working with a therapist.</p>
<p>Regarding the bathroom cleaning issue: imho it is generally more work to try and get uncooperative adults you live with to clean their “fair share” than just to go ahead and clean things to your satisfaction. If I care about having a clean bathroom, I will clean it up. It the other person makes it so yucky I can’t even stand to clean it, I will use another bathroom. If that isn’t an option, I may have to get the yucky person out of my living space. I am not willing to spend a whole lot of time debating who cleans what since, during the time of the debate, I could have already wiped things up 
But that is just me.</p>
<p>I do think doubles/triples in college is a pretty bad idea. Living with virtual strangers and not really having any private space while adjusting to all the other first year issues. I’ve been told this started after WWII when there wasn’t enough campus housing available for all the veterans returning to school. It really doesn’t make sense to me.</p>
<p>A good reason for no visitors allowed would be if she has something stolen since she moved in and no visitors allowed would put accountability on the roommate. IDK. That’s just me I guess. But if nothing is stolen, then the policy is unfair IMHO.</p>
<p>Not allowing visitors to a dorm room is unreasonable, period.</p>
<p>Here’s something a little different than visitors sitting on a bed…oh, aren’t roommate challenges “fun” and life expanding…what does my DD do when her three suitemates (who she didn’t know before moving in) declare that they can’t live with anyone who isn’t pro-life and then look at my daughter quizzically as if to say “well, you are pro-life, right?” DD wisely decided to change the subject but her evasiveness spoke volumes and it will only be a matter of time until she is challenged again.
She’s already given a “heads up” to her residential director that a room change may be needed so if she has to move in a couple of weeks…oh well, not the end of the world.
Since this is our second child to go to college we’re not getting wound up about it like we would have been with our first child. We’re just watching and telling her that she needs to figure out how to respond and what to do next; which might include punching them in the face if they confront her again (she’s a strong girl). We told her only half-jokingly that we’d be OK with that.</p>
<p>Roommate challenges come in all shapes and sizes.</p>
<p>Wow, onedowonetogo- didn’t realize roommates woudl be allowed to engage in blatant discrimination. Thats really distasteful.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Too funny, one of our great (adult) friends told my S2 just before he left for his freshman year that if his soon to be unknown roomie copped an attitude S2 should “pop him one” and get the matter firmly out of the way. We, of course, didn’t laugh but golly at some point you want to let loose when someone cops a “my way or the highway” attitude and you gotta admire how some men don’t over analyze and dramatize and just tackle things head on (pun intended).</p>
<p>onedowntwotogo: I’m not sure that this is discrimination by the suitemates. They are just being judgmental about who they want to associate with. I think this is fairly typical behavior by a lot of teens. They are still in the black and white world, and not yet understanding that people can have differing opinions and still have lots in common.</p>
<p>I think, at one time in my life, I was pretty adamant about “I won’t accept this” or “I won’t accept that”. Then I matured and realized that life is more nuanced than that.</p>
<p>“…Wow, onedowonetogo- didn’t realize roommates would be allowed to engage in blatant discrimination. That’s really distasteful…”</p>
<p>I gotta learn how to do that “quote” thing in my replies the right way…Anyhow; I suppose it is technically discrimination. DD (and us) just thought of it as zealous stupidity. Maybe if the administration focused on it they might say “gee, maybe we should do something about this attitude” but it is a Catholic university so who knows.</p>
<p>Personal opinions/beliefs are fine but they should not be used against others, college is a time to learn about differences not isolate yourself from them. If my D moves to another room I pity the poor girl who gets assigned to her bed. I hope she is pro-life or it will just start all over again.</p>
<p>My older son went to a university with a very large Asian, Jewish and Middle Eastern population – I’m pretty sure that us Caucasian Christians were the minority. Anyway, his viewpoints expanded nicely while there, he informally picked up some Hebrew and Arabic, he can even jokingly say “Death to America” in formal and “street” Arabic, and write basic sentences in Arabic – all just from hanging out with people different than he was. That’s a good thing.</p>
<p>OneDown, I would suggest that if it comes up again, your D should say, “I prefer not to discuss controversial topics of that kind.”</p>
<p>But I’ve gotta say, if you’re attending a Catholic school, you can expect a lot of the kids there to have very strong pro-life positions.</p>
<p>“…But I’ve gotta say, if you’re attending a Catholic school, you can expect a lot of the kids there to have very strong pro-life positions…”</p>
<p>Oh yeah, no question that one has to expect some/lots of that if one attends a Catholic University. Funny thing is that I attended that same university in the late 1970’s and the Catholic influence/philosophy is far, far more prevalent today on that campus than it was back then - absolutely no comparison between then and now. I think that may be due to the school legitimately seeking to get back to its “roots”, which is fine, or the school may be trying to differentiate itself from the cluttered field of private colleges. Not a big deal either way but I do feel a little sad for the kids who have trouble opening up a little bit, whether its visitors in their room or suitemates who hold different philosophical or religious views.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>
[quote ]
This message would be quoted if I took the spaces out of the quote directives in the brackets
[/quote ]
</p>
<p>I have a child who is a germaphobe (since about age 2, so it isn’t an act) and it is much worse when she is stressed and/or in a new and unfamiliar situation. Hopefully, RM’s attitude will relax as she gets to know your D and begins to trust her. It sounds like your D is trying to be respectful of her “germ issue”.
I would ask the RM to bring a king size sheet (or 2) from home and put it over her bed, chair, etc. to cover it up when she is not in the room. This should give her peace of mind that no one is touching her possessions. It might make visitors think she is strange, but sometimes you have to own your quirkiness.
It is absolutely unacceptable to ban your D from having guests and I have doubts about this girl after she allowed her friends to come into the room and sit on both beds! I think a roommate contract is needed for this room.</p>
<p>
It’s not up to the OP’s D to ask the roomie something like this to cover up her own stuff.</p>
<p>Again, the OP’s D is in the power position on this since she doesn’t really need to do anything other than what she wants. She shouldn’t even have any anxiety about it since the roomie won’t even be there during the time the roomie’s worried about. All the D has to do is not agree to the directives the roomie is giving her. There’s no need for an argument or much else. If the roomie doesn’t like it then the roomie, not the D, can go find the RA to discuss it.</p>
<p>One of the posts I read in this thread disturbed me, someone had posted that D/her family are paying for room and board and that as part of that, she has the right to fair use of the room, and then someone else wrote that the RM’s family was paying, and in effect was saying the RM’s needs, no matter how unfair to D, overrode D’s…why? Because RM may or may not be a germaphobe or have some condition? That is ridiculous, it is saying that RM, for whatever reason, has more rights of occupancy then the other person…</p>
<p>What this comes down to is that old psych special, setting boundaries, and also realizing that boundaries are not a one way street. It is about negotiation, something I didn’t see here. I suspect there is more then germaphobia here, other posters have touched on that. If the RM is germaphobic, then why (if I read the OP correctly) did the RM allow her friends to sit on her bed? More importantly, if not sitting on the bed is a big issue for her, why did she allow her friends to sit on D’s bed? I am no therapist, but it seems to me that makes no sense, does RM think her friends are less germ ridden then D’s? I have known people with germaphobia and they are careful around everyone…</p>
<p>What concerns me more is that the RM unilaterally made the decision, without even talking about it to D (from what the OP said). RM could easily have had a conversation about the matter, and said “I saw that you had guests in the room and someone sat on my bed, and I have an issue with that, I don’t like others to be sitting on my bed and I would appreciate it if in the future you would make sure that happens”…that would be reasonable, as would requests to keep the noise down when studying, etc…</p>
<p>What I saw here was unilateral action, the RM laying down the law (and then breaking it), without much discussion, that strikes me as someone looking to control something or enforce something. If RM really has problems living with someone else, then her family should have gotten her a single, but when you choose to live with others there are rules there, and what RM seems to have chosen is to be a dictator (and worse, a hypocritical one). If she has problems with guests in the room and then has them herself, that is ridiculous and quite frankly, insulting to D. </p>
<p>I dealt with situations like this, my school had a mediation group that students could use if they felt more comfortable talking to student peers then an RA; complaints went through an RA first, then the kids were given the option of using the peer group…(the people on the mediation panel were from another dorm, always) and I was part of it. I saw similar situations and also had friends deal with issues like this, and something strikes me about this situation. What I saw in these situations was usually one or both parties came from family backgrounds that for whatever reason, tended to be very authoritarian and rigid, and when the kids experienced a situation when they had a little power, where they could control something, they often overreached. The fact that the RM goes home every weekend tells me something, that she is still in that orbit and that tends to be the kind of dominating family structure I am talking about (I went to a school where the kids living in the dorms often lived in the region where the school was located, so could go home, and most choose not to…). What tipped me off is the unequal structure in the room, the RM saying ‘she doesn’t do toilets’ and then laying in a rule like this without negotiating or talking about it…</p>
<p>While I am glad that D wants to take a low key approach, if she were my child I would tell her she should at least talk to the RM about it, that even if she said to RM “I understand you have issues about guests in the room and while I think I am okay with not having guests come here, I still want to talk about it”. If RM is going to lay down the law, your D has every right to hear why; even if D had done something out of line, as others seemed to want to suggest in defense of RM, she has every right to talk it through and not have the issue dictated. I had roomates who felt I had broken some sort of understanding every one and a while, and we worked it out. And quite honestly, it isn’t doing the RM any good either, because learning how to deal with people and negotiate with them is important and if people give in to her, for whatever reasons, she is going to be in for a rude awakening.</p>
<p>I’ll be honest: I hate it when strangers sit on my bed (even if I’m there). It’s a territorial thing for me- my side of the room is my side of the room, so please don’t invade it. I am perfectly happy to let guests sit on my desk chair or against my bed, but not on my bed (unless I know them as a friend or relative). And I think it’s reasonable to ask this. Likewise, I would never, ever allow my own guests to sit on my roommate’s stuff without explicit permission.</p>
<p>But I also feel that asking for no visitors EVER (if I’m not there) is unreasonable. I’ve lived in corridor style rooms for two years (in a suite this year) and I recognize that there isn’t any other place to go in dorm styles like that. If I could have a single, I would (but there is no space on campus for that) so you need to compromise. And I’m generally the unsympathetic type so I wouldn’t care how anti-guy or germophobic you were, I am allowed to have visitors over at reasonable times (or unreasonable, since this roommate wasn’t there anyway). </p>
<p>As for the shared bathroom thing, never experienced this problem since I’ve had corridor bathrooms that were cleaned five days a week. My suite bathroom is cleaned once a week and that’s enough. We just need to get our stuff out of the way and let the cleaning lady in at the appropriate time. And if I ever had this problem, I would tell her she couldn’t use that toilet unless she cleaned it half the time. (And if I was given this ultimatum and I couldn’t bring myself to clean the bathroom, I would make other bathroom arrangements- fair is fair). </p>
<p>It seems as though her parents are the paranoid ones (and if you had an issue with the furniture rearranging, move-in day would have been the time to say something), but that is irrelevant when it comes to your daughter and her roommate working things out. I know confrontation is hard but sometimes, you just have to be tough. And if she can’t be, an RA is the solution.</p>